Hope For the Best - Jodi Taylor

 

   2019; 461 pages.  Book 10 (out of 14) in the “Chronicles of St. Mary’s” series.  New Author? : No.  Genres: Time Travel; Humorous Fantasy; Historical Fiction.  Overall Rating: 9*/10.

 

    Madeleine “Max” Maxwell has been traded to the Time Police!

 

    Well okay, technically she’s been “seconded” to the Time Police, meaning St. Mary’s loaning Max to them for a while.  It’s sort of a goodwill gesture, aimed at improving the relationship between the two organizations.

 

    One of the weird things is that the Time Police office is based in the future, so Max gets to time-travel forward every time she goes to work.  How utterly kewl is that?!  But the bigger perk for Max is that she gets to be with her son, Matthew, who is being kept at the Time Police headquarters (“TPHQ”), protected by the Time Police from the evil bad guy, Clive Ronan.

 

    Looking after Matthew is not an easy job; see the second excerpt below.

 

What’s To Like...

    I enjoyed Max’s career move in Hope for the Best.  It seemed a nice way for Jodi Taylor to introduce the reader to her new “Time Police” series, the first book of which came out about five months after this one.

 

    It was interesting to watch Max and Captain Ellis learn to work as partners.  Their first adventure involves traveling to 16^th-century London to deal with a Temporal Anomaly.  The Time Police are there to “repair” the digression, even if that means using force.  St. Mary’s is there to record history.  Those differing motivations do not always mesh smoothly.

 

    Delightfully, there’s lots of time-jumping.  I counted ten chrono-hops, and that’s not including return jumps to St. Mary’s and/or TPHQ.  As usual, the book’s cover image gives a glimpse at two of those trips.  The smokestacks shown at the top are of the Battersea Power Station, as any fan of Pink Floyd’s “Animals” album will recognize.  We’ll let you wonder why the bottom image is simply a nest of eggs.

 

    It’s not a spoiler to reveal that two of my favorite characters in this series, Adrian and Mikey, play prominent roles in the storyline.  Grint the Grunt was also an interesting character, as were Hillary and Donald.  I chuckled at the mention of the sport of cheese-rolling on Cooper’s Hill, and liked learning why “Time is like a bluebell wood”.

 

    The ending is tense, twisty, and totally unexpected.  History is restored to its proper order, although not everybody at St. Mary’s, Max in particular, is happy about it.  The Time Police and St. Mary’s have a better understanding of each other, although I’d hardly call them bosom buddies.  Hope For the Best is both a part of a series and a standalone novel.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.7*/5, based on 5,408 ratings and 383 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.32*/5, based on 7,706 ratings and 584 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    I knelt up to see better.

    Ellis pulled me down.  “Stay down.”

    “I can’t.  It’s my job.  I’m the historian.  I study historical events.  You’re the Time Police.  Go and count your crayons.”

    Someone behind me wondered aloud why they let me live.

    “I’ve no idea,” said Ellis.  “Perhaps she’ll come in handy one day.”

    “And if not?”  Was it my imagination or was there a hopeful note there?

    “Then you can kill her.”  (pg. 126)

 

    “Will you come and see me off?”

    “Of course.  Every wife always wants to know when her husband’s safely out of the picture.”

    “And I gather you’re on the move, too.”

    “Yes.  Because of what’s happening at St. Mary’s, Dr. Bairstow’s moved the schedule forwards.  I’m going back to TPHQ.”

    “Give my love to Matthew.  How’s he doing?”

    “He broke the Time Map.”

    “The boy’s a vandal.  He gets more like his mother every day.”

    “And then showed them how to put it right.”

    “The boy’s a genius.  He gets more like his father every day.”  (pg. 278)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Firkling (v.) : searching; rummaging.

Others: Jellabiyas (n.).

 

I was well and truly up the River of Excrement and my canoe had no visible means of propulsion.  (pg. 352)

    The profanity is pretty sparse in Hope for the Best; I noticed just 11 instances in the first 20% of the book; all of which of the “milder” ilk.  Max pays a visit to a sex club late in the story, but it’s a rather tame experience.  I didn’t note any typos; so kudos to whoever the editor was.

 

    The series is written in British, not American; so there are a few weird words and spellings for us Yankee readers, including draughty, ploughed, ageing, and storeys.  I’m used to hoovering by now, but the abovementioned firkling stumped me.  Jellabiya is an Arabic term.

 

    That’s the nit-pickiest I can be with Hope for the Best.  It’s another fine time-travel tale with lots of wit, humor, thrills-&-spills, family drama, and, maybe best of all, historical fiction blended in.  I've yet to see any drop-off in the quality of the books in this series.

 

    9 Stars.  One last thing.  At one point our heroes come riding in on what is described as “TWOC’d horses”.  Say what?  That acronym stumped me, so I googled it.  It turns out TWOC stands for “Taken Without Owner’s Consent”. Now you know.

Soul Music - Terry Pratchett

   1995; 3739 pages.  Book 16 (out of 41) in “Discworld” series.  New Author? : No.  Laurels : #151 in the “Big Read”.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Satire; British Humour.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    The music is magical in Ankh-Morpork.  Especially the tunes being played by a newly-formed group, “The Band With Rocks In”.  It has listeners tapping their feet, snapping their fingers, and swaying with the beat.  What’s next, people fainting in the aisles?

 

    The wizards at the Unseen University are concerned.  The magic emanating from The Band With Rocks In is not one of their incantations.  An investigation is called for.  They’ll soon get to the bottom of things.

 

    Meanwhile, the Grim Reaper himself, Death, has taken a leave of absence.  It falls upon his granddaughter, Susan, to fill in on a temporary basis, even though she has zero experience swinging the scythe.

 

    So in summary, it’s just another normal day on Discworld.  Let’s go see Band With Rocks In down at the local pub tonight.

 

What’s To Like...

    Soul Music is first and foremost Terry Pratchett’s salute to the 20^th century music business.  In a nutshell, he plops it down in Discworld, among its dwarves, trolls, wizards, gods, and magic, and postulates how similar its development would be when compared to our world.

 

    This includes such things as forming a band and recording its music so that you can listen to it anytime, anyplace.  A number of our-world music idols received subtle nods from Pratchett.  For instance, one character is named “Satchelmouth”, which I eventually realized could be condensed to “Satchmo”, jazz favorite Louis Armstrong’s sobriquet.  Similarly, Imp, a bard whose guitar-playing is magical, is referred to as looking a bit “elvish”.  Well, he is short in stature, but there is a second way to interpret that “elvish” comparison.

 

    It is also fascinating to watch the coming-of-age of Susan.  She starts out as a student at a girl’s boarding school, and has a unique talent – she can turn invisible whenever she’s bored.  What a great way to skip boring classes!  But being the step-grandchild of Death forces her to come to grips with the Facts of Death (as opposed to the Facts of Life), and learn to pick up the Scythe, ride grandfather's horse Binky, team up with a rodent called "Death of Rats", and carry her family duties.

 

    Most of the tale takes place in Ankh-Morpork, so a lot of familiar characters show up, including C.M.O.T. Dibbler, the Librarian (ook!), Lord Vetineri, and Corporal Nobbs and Sergeant Colon of the City Watch.  Being a chemist, I also enjoyed the several times that Chemistry is resorted to, including using the compounds Calcium Carbonate, Ammonium Chloride, and an rare chemical that my company used to manufacture, Ammonium Sulfide.  Wowza!

 

    As with any Discworld novel, the two main storylines rapidly split into a bunch of secondary ones, which keeps the pacing brisk.  As (almost) always, Terry Pratchett eschews the use of chapters , but that just means you can stop for the night at any paragraph break you encounter.  The ending is more heartwarming than exciting, and ties up all the plot threads tidily.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.5/5 based on 6,236 ratings and 432 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.06/5 based on 84,620 ratings and 2,875 reviews.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Plangent (adj.) : loud, reverberating, and often melancholy.

 

Excerpts...

    The class was learning about some revolt in which some peasants had wanted to stop being peasants and, since the nobles had won, had stopped being peasants really quickly.  Had they bothered to learn to read and acquire some history books they’d have learned about the uncertain merits of things like scythes and pitchforks when used in a battle against crossbows and broadswords.  (pg. 39)

 

    “He says to tell you,” said Albert wearily, “that a chit of a girl means a small girl.  He thinks you may have misheard me.”

    Susan hunched up in the chair.  Albert pulled up another one and sat down.

    “How old are you?”

    “Sixteen.”

    “Oh my.”  Albert rolled his eyes.  “How long have you been sixteen?”

    “Since I was fifteen, of course.  Are you stupid?”  (pg. 76)

 

“Never give a monkey the key to the banana plantation.”  (pg. 218)

    As is normal for a Discworld novel, there’s only a smidgen of mild cussing in Soul Music.  I counted just six instances in the first third of the book, all of which were eschatological ones, and there are no adult situations to shield juvenile eyes from.

 

    There were two punctuation typos: The/Then and Fit’s/Fits.  I thought there was a spelling typo (surelly/surely), but it turns out that Imp’s accent results in prolonged emphasis on any “L sound” in his speaking.  My only other quibble is that two of my favorite City Watch characters—Sam Vimes and Carrot—didn’t make it into the tale.

 

    That’s all I can nitpick about.  I always have high expectations when starting to read a Discworld book, and once again, Terry Pratchett did not disappoint me.  Only two books from the series remain for me to read (I’m not reading them in order), and it will be a bittersweet day whenever I finish the entire series.

 

    9 Stars.  One last thing.  There may be no chapter divisions, but Terry Pratchett’s trademark Footnotes are still plentiful here.  Also, if you’re new to the Discworld series, there’s a handy Glossary in the back of the book, which closes with a Discworld Trivia Quiz.  Fantastic!

Ye Gods! - Tom Holt

   1992; 296 pages.  New Author? :No.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Mythology; Satire.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    It’s not easy being the son of a Roman god.  And the head honcho, no less, Jupiter himself.  Just ask Jason Derry. 

 

    Oh, it certainly has some benefits.  You’re a physical masterpiece: you can run at super speeds, dodge flying bullets, and beat the daylight out of any human foolish enough to get into a fight with you.

 

    There are limits however.  Jason’s mom is a mortal, which makes him only a half-god.  Full-blooded deities are more powerful than him, and probably smarter as well.  That means he’s susceptible to being manipulated by the gods, if they so choose.

 

    And Jason has a sneaking suspicion that they are so choosing.

 

What’s To Like...

    Ye Gods! is a clever blend of several Greek mythological tales (Jason & the Golden Fleece, Prometheus) and the modern-day quantum physics concept of multiverses.  If you have an infinite number of parallel universes, at least one of them will still be inhabited by the ancient gods and heroes.  The tale is told via 14 chapters covering 296 pages, with a plethora of fabulous footnotes added that would make Terry Pratchett proud.

 

    It was fun to watch Tom Holt add twists to the classical Greco-Roman myths.  Jason still procures the Golden Fleece, but it’s a minor part of this story.  The gods weren’t mad at Prometheus for giving Fire to humans; it was his second gift to us that got him chained to the rock, with an eagle sent daily to peck out his liver.  The second gift was . . . well, revealing that would be a spoiler.

 

    I’m a lifelong mythology lover, so Ye Gods! was a literary delight for me.  Eleven of the Romanized deities play parts here, plus a twelfth one that I had never heard of.  I was sure that last one was something Tom Holt had dreamed up, and then surprised when I found a Wikipedia page about him.  I’d tell you the god’s name, but that too would a spoiler.

 

    Tom Holt is a British novelist, thus the book is written in English, not American.  So for us Yanks, there were some odd spellings (cheque, sulphur, dialled) and weird words (shufti, git, biro), but I’ve gotten familiar with most of these.  The author also works lots of trivia-worthy items into the text, such as Perry Mason, Burger King, Mithraism, Vivaldi, and one of my heroes, Aleister Crowley.  Late in the story, we get to watch an episode of an alternate-universe TV Game Show called God’s My Witness.  That was exciting.

 

    The ending is vintage Tom Holt: unforeseen yet absurdly logical.  Jason (and the reader) finally get to the bottom of the godly skullduggery, and for perhaps the first time in his life, our hero is introduced to the concept of free will.

 

Excerpts...

    ”Virgil,” he said, “can I ask you something?”

    “Be my guest,” said the Mantuan.

    “If you had a little voice in the back of your head,” said Jason, “that kept telling you to . . . no, suggesting that you do things that you really don’t want to do, because they’re dangerous and you don’t understand why they need doing anyway, how would you react?”

    “I’d have a lobotomy,” Virgil replied unhesitatingly.  “Nothing worse than a chatty brain, I always say.”  (pg. 99)

 

   “Bad King Atreus looked out

    On the slopes of Pindus

    Lightning came and rubbed him out,

    Blowing him to cinders.

    Atreus, the silly sod,

    Came to Jove’s attention.

    People who offend a god

    Don’t collect their pension.”  (pg. 242)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Nobble (v.) : to try to influence or thwart someone by underhanded or unfair means.  (British, slang)

Others: Chiropody (n.); Simpulum (n.); Profiteroles (n.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.1*/5, based on 210 ratings and 26 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.71*/5, based on 1,299 ratings and 40 reviews.

 

“Just because you’re omniscient doesn’t mean you don’t forget the occasional birthday.”  (pg. 157)

    There’s not a lot of profanity in Ye Gods!  I counted just 10 instances in the first 20%, all of the either the scatological or eschatological variety.  Later on, a couple of stronger cusswords crop up, including one f-bomb.

 

    There were only a couple typos: a missing comma, hopped/hoped, and two different spellings of a character’s last name: Bennett/Bennet.

 

    A word to the wise: don't be surprised if you get a third of the way through the book and suddenly realize you have no idea what the main storyline is.  This is trademark Tom Holt, and rest assured that the main plot thread will eventually reveal itself.  In the meantime, just enjoy being entertained by the author’s wit, storytelling, and the antics of a bunch of Roman gods.

 

    8 Stars.  One last thing.  At one point, a “CND symbol” is referenced, and I had never heard of such a thing.  This stymied me, but luckily Wikipedia is the fount of all knowledge.  “CND” refers to a British activist group called the “Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament”, and its symbol is what we ex-hippies call “the peace symbol”.  Peace on!

An Argumentation of Historians - Jodi Taylor

   2017; 467 pages.  Book 9 (out of 14) in the series “The Chronicles of St. Mary’s”.  New Author? : No.  Genres: Time Travel; Humorous Fantasy; Historical Fiction.  Overall Rating: 8½*/10.

 

    It’s sad that it took so long.

 

    The Institute of Historical Research at St. Mary’s and the chrono-hopping law enforcement agency known as the Time Police share a common foe: Clive Ronan.  But thus far, the two groups have done too much fighting between themselves to even think about going after Clive.

 

    Until now.  The head of St. Mary's History Department, “Max” Maxwell has come up with a plan.  It’s risky, and hinges on Ronan’s insatiable greed for historical treasures, but it just might work.  And St. Mary’s and the Time Police will both play key roles in it.  All they have to do is cooperate with each other.

 

    And hope that Clive Ronan takes the bait.

 

What’s To Like...

    An Argumentation of Historians is the ninth book in Jodi Taylor’s series showcasing the time-traveling adventures of St. Mary’s historians.  One of the many reasons I’m hooked on this series is that there are always a bunch of time-jumps in the stories, many involving historically fascinating events.

 

    This book is no exception; St. Mary’s personnel make six time-jumps, three of which are for historical witnessing and recording, including one centered on one of my history idols, Alexander the Great.  The other three are done for personal survival reasons including one extended visit to 1399 CE, where Max, along with the reader, learn how to live day-to-day in Medieval times.  It was an enlightening experience.

 

    The text is written in the first-person POV, Max’s.  It is also written in English, not American, which means we Yanks will encounter odd spellings, such as wilfully and pedlar, and odd words, such as knackered and swive.  I love learning foreign languages.  The “Author’s Note” at the book’s beginning is worth taking time to read, and as always, the Dramatis Thingummy is both useful and entertaining.

 

    It’s always a treat when Adrian and Mikey show up at St. Mary's in their 12-foot-high teapot.  The acronym FOD was new to me; it’s the term time-travelers use for the occupational peril "Foreign Object Drop".  The question of “do Medieval castle gate open inward or outward” is examined by St. Mary’s historians, and the reader learns why this is an important detail.  It was also educational to learn the specific duties of a courtesan.

 

    The ending is twisty (is there a traitor in our midst?), exciting (fighting on rooftops), tense (falling from rooftops), and revealing (how does Clive Ronan anticipate every move of St. Mary's).  In short, it is superb.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.7*/5, based on 6,260 ratings and 470 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.52*/5, based on 8,645 ratings and 671 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    “You appear to be setting up a scenario in which you almost invite Clive Ronan to swoop in and shoot you.”

    “Yes, sir,”

    “You don’t think that’s a little — obvious?”

    I can’t help it.  I’m a showman, too.

    I brought up the second part of my plan.

    He read it through.  And read it through again.  And read it through for a final time.  I waited patiently because every reading was a step nearer acceptance.  Finally, he looked over his desk at me.

    “I might find it quite difficult to apply the word “unoriginal” to this part of your proposed plan.”

    “Thank you, sir.”

    “That wasn’t a compliment.”  (pg. 60)

 

    “I don’t want any visitors.”

    “Just as well,” she said cheerfully, laying out pyjamas and a dressing gown.  “You’re not allowed any.”

    I was unreasonably annoyed because that was supposed to be my decision.  “Who said so?”

    “Dr. Stone.  He’s waiting for you if you want to go out and argue with him.”

    I humphed.  I’ve argued with Dr. Stone before.  It’s like trying to fill a bath without a plug.  There’s an enormous amount of effort and when you finally pause to get your breath back, absolutely nothing has happened and you realise you’ve been wasting your time.  (pg. 360)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Caparisoned (adj.) : decked out in rich, decorative coverings

Others: Swive (archaic).

 

You could have heard a slipper-wearing mouse dance the fandango on a feather cushion.  (pg. 129)

    The profanity is pretty sparse in An Argumentation of Historians, just 17 instances in the first 50% of the book, about half of which were the common scatological term.

 

    There was a smattering of typos, most of which were things I’d have thought Spellchecker would catch.  Examples include: top/stop, ever/every, and of/off.  I’ll excuse Spellchecker for missing the two spellings of one of the characters: Midgely/ Midgeley.

 

    But enough of the nitpicking.  An Argumentation of Historians maintains the usual high standards of a Jodi Taylor novel: fast-paced, action-packed, historically-detailed, and lots of time-traveling.  This was part of a ten-volume paperback bundle given to me as a Christmas present by a friend a few years back.  I’m 90% of the way through it and have never yet been disappointed.

 

    8½ Stars.  One last thing.  Here’s a poser for anyone who has time-traveling acquaintances.  What’s the best method of communicating with someone who lives in the future?  Answer in the comments.

Mythology 101 - Jody Lynn Nye

   2014; 317 pages.  Book 1 (out of 4) in the “Mythology” series.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; College Life; YA.  Overall Rating : 6*/10.

 

    Midwestern University only has enough money to do one upgrade: a new library or a new Phys. Ed building, and the Student Council gets to choose which one!

 

    For academically-inclined Keith Doyle, a member of the council, the choice is easy.  Renovate the library.  After all, the reason people go to college is to get an education, not to exercise.  Needless to say, there are a bunch of athletically-inclined students who feel otherwise.  But Keith is pretty sure his side has the votes for an upgrade of old Gillington library.

 

    One thing does surprise him – the stance of his dormmate Carl.  Carl’s not here on an athletic scholarship so why’s he campaigning so strongly for the new gymnasium option?

 

    Even more strange, Carl’s making it sound like the vote’s a matter of life and death.

 

What’s To Like...

    The book’s cover gives you a good idea of what the situation is in Mythology 101.  Gillington Library’s problem is not bats in the belfry; it’s elves in the basement.  They’ve been there for a long time (by Big Folk standards), and via a lot of stealth and magic, they’ve remained undetected.  A few of the human students are aware of them, though, and Keith soon becomes of those.

 

    Renovating will doubtless lead to the discovery of the Little Folk, and the main plotline of Mythology 101 is Keith pondering what he can do about that.  Other plot threads include Keith presently flunking his Sociology class, and in desperate need of some tutoring.  To boot, he’s residing in a men’s dormitory, which means dealing with other male egos, occasionally having his dorm room trashed, and almost zero social contact with female students.

 

    Indeed, the “feel” to college life here rang true.  I spent two years in dorms in my college career, and Keith’s issues brought back old memories.  I liked the setting of Midwestern University, it's located somewhere in Illinois, and I suspect Jody Lynn Nye used Northwestern University as her model for Midwestern.  Dorm life involves getting along with RA’s (“Resident Advisers”), eating very blah food in the cafeteria, and trying to not flunk out of school.

 

    The resolution of the elves-in-the-basement was logical and straightforward.  I wouldn’t call it twisty, but have to admit Keith’s solution to the problem was not what I was expecting.  Book Two, Mythology Abroad, awaits me on my Kindle.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.2*/5, based on 915 ratings and 206 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.76*/5, based on 1,097 ratings and 101 reviews.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Geas (n.) : an obligation or prohibition magically imposed on someone (Irish folklore).

 

Excerpts...

    “I wouldn’t call a C a failure,” Keith said, jumping forward to open the door for her and following her out into the brisk October air.  Leaves swirled away from their feet as they dashed across the narrow streets toward McInroe Hall.  “I’m a B man myself.  I do get A’s but I don’t expect 'em.  If you’re not in the front line you don’t get shot as often.”  (pg. 9)

 

    “So what’s wrong with using nails?”  Not that he could see any in the construction.

    “They rust.  They bend.  Also, we tend to be a wee bit sensitive to having too much metal around.”

    “I heard that cold iron dispels magic,” Keith said teasingly.  “Maybe that’s why you don’t use it.”

    “And maybe the effect is more like heavy metal poisoning, Keith Doyle.  Call it an allergy.  Don’t look for foolish explanations unless no others suffice.  There’s plenty of common sense to go around.  Even you could find some.”

    “I believe in magic,” Keith said softly.  (pg. 81)

 

Kindle Details…

    Mythology 101 sells for $7.99 right now at Amazon, as do the other three books in the series.  Jody Lynn Nye has several other Fantasy e-book series for your reading pleasure, most of which are priced at $6.99 per e-book.  She has collaborated with an impressive list of fellow authors, including Robert Asprin and Anne McCaffrey.

 

“The trouble with you is that you have a basically honest heart.”  (pg. 86)

    The cussing is very light: just seven instances in the first 20%, none of which were f-bombs.  There is a hint of Romance, but no adult situations, the norm for males living in dorms.  It will be interesting to see how Keith’s love life plays out in subsequent books.

 

    There were a couple of typos – stationary/stationery, Crazy/crazy, and lighting/lightning – but not enough to be distracting.

 

    The bigger issue for me was the storytelling.  It’s hard to imagine a tale with elves intermixing with college students being boring and slow-paced, but that’s what happened.  The negative reviews at Amazon and Goodreads show that others felt the same way and you’d think when you have elven magic at your disposal, tying up the various plot threads would be exciting.  It wasn’t.

 

    But things are looking up.  The ratings for the books in this series are:

Book 1 (Mythology 101): Amazon 4.2; Goodreads 3.76.

Book 2 (Mythology Abroad): Amazon 4.6; Goodreads 4.02.

Book 3 (Higher Mythology): Amazon 4.5; Goodreads 4.04.

Book 4 (Advanced Mythology): Amazon 4.7; Goodreads 4.22.

 

    Methinks this series is going to get better as I work my way through it.

 

    6 Stars.  One last thing.  Pennsylvania Dutch Hex Symbols get mentioned twice in Mythology 101.  I was born and raised in that area.  It’s good to see our hex signs are still remembered.

You Are Doomed (Sign Here Please) - Andrew Stanek

   2016; 245 pages.  New Author? : No.  Full Title: You Are Doomed (Sign Here Please): The Legally Required Third Installment.  Book 3 (out of 7) in the “You Are Dead” series.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Absurdism.  Overall Rating : 7*/10.

 

    Fresh from a successful parrying of the evil plans of the Afterlife bureaucrats, Nathan Haynes is moving on from his hometown of Dead Donkey, Nevada.  He’s boarded a bus, eager for adventure, and is headed to Las Vegas.  But he needs to watch out for Afterworld hitmen, who may even be on the bus already, disguised as fellow passengers.  After all, Nathan has been murdered eight times over the last couple days.

 

    Let’s see now.  The bus driver is a big, burly sour-tempered guy, so that seems normal.  To Nathan’s right, a little boy and girl are engrossed in video games.  Behind him, two old ladies are knitting together.  Actually one is knitting while the other one unknits her efforts.  There’s also a crazy man in a poncho who says he’s a serial killer.  And a wild-eyed fisherman who keeps saying “storm’s a-comin’ ”.  There's also a lumberjack carrying a huge axe.  Nearby are an engineer and a philosopher, who can, and do, argue about life, the universe, and everything else.  Finally, there’s an economist who can, and will, tell you why anything that happens is bad for the stock market.

 

    All in all, just a bunch of normal people heading to Las Vegas on a bus.  Nathan’s got nothing to worry about, right?

 

What’s To Like...

    You Are Doomed (Sign Here Please) is the third book in Andrew Stanek’s You Are Dead series, and takes place immediately after the events in Book 2, You Are a Ghost (Sign Here Please), which is reviewed here.

 

    The plotline structure is pretty much the same as in the previous two books.  The bureaucratic executives of the Afterworld, Director Fulcher and Overdirector Powell, once again try to trap Nathan into signing the infamous Form 21B.  Killing Nathan (Book 1) didn’t persuade him to sign; neither did turning him into a ghost (Book 2).  This time they use a “Doom” curse on him.

 

    Once again, the strengths of the storyline are the witty dialogue, Nathan’s unflappably optimistic outlook on life, and Andrew Stanek’s keen insights into all sorts of topics, among which are the necessity of committees, memorandums, and the filling out forms to do anything in the universe.

 

    I liked that the author is also not afraid to render opinions on hot topics, such as anti-vaxxers, nuclear stockpiles, global warming.  The friction between Particularly Cynical Atheists the Slightly Less Cynical Atheists, and the American Society of Skeptics had me chuckling out loud.  Being a chemist, I liked the musings on the bureaucracy exhibited by Hydrogen atoms.  Ditto for the use of physics (Newton’s Third Law of Doom) to counter Nathan’s curse.

 

    The ending is fittingly ridiculous, with a plethora of convenient circumstances and bureaucratic loopholes all leading to Nathan yet again avoiding signing off on Form 21B.  This is not a criticism since the book’s tone is unashamedly Absurdist.  Gregor Samsa of Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis would totally empathize with Nathan's situation.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.2/5 based on 401 ratings and 45 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.06/5 based on 212 ratings and 14 reviews

 

Excerpts...

    “But Director,” he said, wringing his hands helplessly, “if your superior catches me trying to steal from her, she’ll turn my skull into a cane!  I should explain that Overdirector Powell turns the skulls of her enemies–“

    “Yes, I know that already,” Fulcher said, cutting off one of Ian’s lengthy tirades before it started.  “But she’ll also turn our heads into skulls if we fail to get Haynes’ file in order, and for that we need the backdating device.  You, Ian, are my most loyal subordinate–“

    “No I’m not,” Ian said, terrified.

    “Alright, then.  Allow me to rephrase.  You, Ian, are my most expendable subordinate.”  (loc. 1008)

 

    “I heard you saying that you’d like to be a flight attendant a minute ago, and it would really mean a lot to me.”

    “Sure, I’d love to help,” Nathan said cheerily.  He stood up.  “What should I do?”

    “Well, first, you need to stop the captain from sneaking into the liquor supply.”

    “Hey, if people didn’t want me to guzzle the alcohol, they should have made drinking and driving illegal,” the pilot said.

    “They did,” Brian said, his voice now slurring as he drank down more cola.

    “More illegal, then,” the pilot said.  (loc. 3165)

 

Kindle Details…

    You Are Doomed (Sign Here Please) sells for $0.99 at Amazon right now, the same price as all the other books in the series.  Andrew Stanek has several more fantasy series for you, and just recently published a non-fiction biography of his father.  All his e-books are priced at $0.99, and occasionally discounted to free.

 

“Have you found anything to indicate there might be any positive economic impacts from the bus falling off the cliff?”  “Yes.”  (loc. 3395)

    The profanity in You Are Doomed (Sign Here Please) is pleasantly sparse, which was true for the first two books in the series as well.  I noted just seven cusswords in the whole book, most of them “hell”.

 

    There were a few typos, such as effect/affect, payed/paid, filed/filled, but not enough to be distracting.  The (presumably) erroneous reference to Overdirector Fulcher, which occurred twice, did make my reading mind stumble a bit, though, as I don’t think he was promoted.

 

   My biggest quibble was with the thin plot.  Nathan is tasked with finding a way to counter the Doom curse, and then carrying it out.  This turns into a “needle in a haystack” challenge, which he overcomes without even seriously impacting his journey to Las Vegas.  Yes, this is forgivable since this is an Absurdist tale, but still, the book would be even better if there was a more engaging plotline.

 

    Nonetheless, I enjoyed YAD(SHP).  Its wit and musings override the plotline quibbles, and kept me entertained from beginning to end.  It is an ideal beach- or airport-read, fast-paced, yet manages somehow to be both thought-provoking and humorous.

 

    7 Stars.  One last thing.  At one point a transportation device called a Suborbital Rocket-Powered Unicycle is utilized.  I need to get me one of those!

Only Human - Tom Holt

   1999; 344 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Paranormal Urban Fantasy; Satire.  Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

 

    Everybody can use a vacation now and then.  Even the Creator of the Universe and his only begotten Son.  A fishing trip is great therapy for any Father/Son relationship.

 

    Unfortunately, the Universe doesn’t stop universing when its Maker steps away.  That’s why Heaven has a stand-by operating system.  It’s called a mainframe computer.

 

    Of course, you still need someone who can monitor the mainframe program.  In case of Armageddon, or a plague, or things of that ilk.  That’s where the Creator’s other only-begotten Son (say what?) comes in.

 

    His name’s Kevin, and his only task while Pops and Big Bro are on vacation is to sit at a desk and observer the actions that the mainframe is carrying out.  Don’t touch anything, have Martha the Heavenly tea lady bring you a cup of cuppa occasionally, and contact Dad if anything unusual pops up.

 

    What could possibly go wrong?

 

What’s To Like...

    Only Human is a 1999 standalone novel by Tom Holt examining the now-popular topic of Artificial Intelligence and its alleged threat to human existence.  Thanks to Kevin’s dimwitted meddling with the mainframe's keyboard, a factory worker becomes possessed by a computer; a girl in a painting is embedded in a human girl; a Prince of Hell, Artofel, gets zapped into the Vicar of St. Anthony’s body; and the Prime Minister of Great Britain finds himself turned into a lemming.

 

    The text hops around between those four bodynappings, plus a fifth storyline: Kevin’s frantic efforts to patch things up before God and J get home.  Subplots include efforts by the computer manufacturing company, Kawaguchiya Integrated Circuits, to fix their units, plus a bunch of rogue demons (but not Artofel who’s busy with his vicar duties) trying to do some evil whilst all the chaos is unfolding.

 

    Tom Holt has fun examining the Topside/Flipside (Heaven/Hell) relationships, the role of humans and lemmings in the Divine Scheme of things, and how politics and religion find their place in all of this.  The concepts of Good and Evil often get blurred, much to some of the characters’ dismay.

 

    There are some neat references in Music (Bruce Springsteen), Writing (Stephen King, Clive Barker), Art (Hieronymus Bosch), and TV (Mulder and Scully).  Tom Holt is a British writer, so it was fun deciphering things like Captain Mainwaring, aggro, prat, squimper, Jeremy Paxman, Sir Clive Sinclair, and the vocabulary words listed below.

 

    The ending comprises the entire 33-page-long final chapter.  All the plot threads get tied up, which is no small feat, since you have lemmings, demons, humans, and Topside residents to deal with.  By the time God and J make it home, all the galactic glitches have either been resolved or at least swept under the rug.

 

Excerpts...

    ”Ich bin ein lemming.”  He paused, struggling to reunite his train of thought.  “And lemmings united,” he added tentatively, “can never be defeated.”

    “Yes we can,” said a voice to his right.  “Quite easily.”

    For a moment, Fraud found himself speculating as to whether Destiny had got the wrong number.  “Yes, but—” he said.

    “United,” the voice went on, “we’re an absolute pushover.  It’s when we all split up and run about in different directions that the predators get confused and go away.  About the only thing we do when we’re united is jump off—”

    “Shhh!”  (pg. 163)

 

    “Your whole scam’s based on one basic error.  Sorry,” she added, “but there it is.”

    “Oh yes?  And perhaps you’d be terribly sweet and let us in on the big secret?”

    Maria looked thoughtful.  “It’s not really a secret,” she said.  “More sort of staring you in the face.  Just ask yourselves: why do supreme beings have mortals in the first place?”

    The demons beamed tolerantly.  “Atmosphere,” Buffy said.

    “Like potted plants in dentists’ waiting rooms,” Chubby added.  “You don’t need them, but it makes the place look a bit less sparse.”  (pg. 293)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Jejune (adj.) : naïve, simplistic, superficial.

Others: Dozy (adj.); Welly (n.); Swarf (n.); Banjax (n.), Pinny (n., slang); Graunch (v.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.2*/5, based on 135 ratings and 12 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.80*/5, based on 1,570 ratings and 36 reviews.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, put someone else’s initials on the worksheet.  (pg. 265)

    The profanity is sparse in Only Human.  I counted just nine instances in the first 30% of the book, although that included one f-bomb.  I also noted just one typo: bd/bad.  We’ll blame the publishing house for that.

 

    Most of the negative reviews at Goodreads seemed to be those people who found the book's humor off-putting and those who were upset that God was being parodied.  Or both.  And/or the fact that they weren’t made aware that such deity-spoofing would occur.

 

    I thought Only Human was witty, entertaining, and thought-provoking.  But that's the norm for  me and any Tom Holt novel I read.  Everyone’s sense of humor is different, so here’s the litmus test:  If you've watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and were offended by the portrayal of God and the religious inferences therein, give this book a skip.  If, like most people, you found MP&THG one of the best movies you've ever watched, be prepared for a similar reaction to this tome.

 

    8½ Stars.  Oh yeah, one last piece of advice:  Psychomorphic Waveband Stabilisers.  Don’t leave home without them.