British Mammals - Richard Herley

   2024; 355 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Satire; British Fiction; Family Life; Romance.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    Take Colin Forrest’s advice: never break off a romantic relationship with an Albanian girl.

 

    Well, let’s tweak that just a bit.  Never break things off with an Albanian girl who has three psycho brothers who now feel you’ve dishonored their entire family and are about to come looking for you with guns and fists.

 

    It’s time for Colin to “disappear” into the hinterlands of England.  Maybe find a job up in the Norfolk area, and lay low for a while.  Make sure your name and picture don’t appear in any newspaper, at least until those three brothers quit searching for you and go back to Tirana.

 

    And for heaven’s sake, if an attractive girl crosses your path, don’t fall in love with her.

 

What’s To Like...

    Full disclosure: at its heart, British Mammals is a Romance novel.  But if you’re a male reader, don’t run away yet, there’s also a bit of violence in the tale, several dysfunctional characters to keep the personal interactions tense, and lots of nudity.

 

    The book is written in English, not American, and even though I’ve read plenty of British novels, there were oodles of new “Britishisms” in the text for me.  The most exquisite one is given below, but there were dozens more, such as: drumby, bint, twigged, posh totty, moggy, dekko, fizgig, wigging, yonks, hent, and coo, the last two of which I never did suss out.  I’m a language nut, so I loved all these new words.  There was even an Albanian phrase!  When’s the last time you ran into that language in a book?

 

    Colin finds a job as a groundsman at a resort called Bubthorpe Pines, which he thinks is a perfect low-stress, low-profile job.  Alas for him, and happily for the reader, such is not the case.  The resort is on shaky financial ground, and continued employment at the resort, for both the top dogs and the bottom-rung laborers, is iffy.  Tempers are short, solutions are few, and nudist resorts are losing popularity.

 

    I liked the nudism angle; it gives the opportunity for some comic relief in the storyline.  Resort employees, thankfully, do not have to "undress accordingly", but they do have to "bare witness" (pun intended) and cater to middle-aged practitioners who are developing wrinkles and sagginess.  Activities such as “beach cricket” and weddings take on a whole new aspect when done without clothes.

 

  As always with a Richard Herley novel, the character-building is excellent.  Each person's make-up is unique.  One of the main characters is a successful novelist, but presently dealing with some e-book issues at Amazon.  I appreciated the insights Richard Herley provides about e-publishing in general, and suspect he is drawing upon his firsthand experiences.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Playing Gooseberry (phrase) : an unwanted third party in a situation where two people want to be alone.

Others: many, many more.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.5/5 based on 2 ratings and 1 review.

    Goodreads: 4.50/5 based on 2 ratings and 1 review.

 

Kindle Details…

    British Mammals currently sells for $2.99 at Amazon. Richard Herley offers about 16 e-books for your Kindle; they range in price from $0.99 to $3.67.  He recently discounted his entire catalog of e-books to $0.99 apiece, which I greatly appreciated and used to grab a couple more of his novels.

 

Excerpts...

    ”What’s he like?  Do you fancy him?”

    “No.”

    “Surely there must be some eligible male somewhere on Earth who can melt the ice in your veins.  What, O frozen-hearted maiden, undisputed queen of the polar north, does he look like?”

    “Tall but not too tall, blond, with no hint of a man-bun.”

    “Do you find him handsome?”

    “Sufficiently.”

    “Amy!  Your fervour astounds me!  So you’re made of flesh and blood like the rest of us!  Have you been drinking in secret?  Antifreeze, I mean.”  (loc. 558)

 

    “Do you?”

    “Do I what?”

    “Think about the future?”

    “Sometimes.”

    “What do you think about it?”

    ”It’s worrying,” Benny decided.  “I worry about the future.  Of the Pines, I mean, and other things.”

    “Surely the future will be like the past.  It always has been, for as long as I can remember.  I mean. What was the future becomes the present and as soon as it does that it becomes the past.  There’s not much difference between them, all three of them, except that in the present one is present and in the past and future one is not.”

    This was an unusually long and profound disquisition on Effy’s part.  (loc. 1737)

 

Trying to pin Effy down on any topic was like knitting fog.  (loc. 2115)

    There's a moderate amount of cussing in British Mammals.  I counted 21 instances in the first 20% of the book, most of which were f-bombs and uttered by two of the characters, Tez and Bert.

 

    I was surprised by the abruptness of the ending.  The tension builds as the various plotlines are cleverly brought together, but things end with just one of them being resolved, and even that one was done verbally.  Yes, I could deduce how the other ones would likely be tied up, but it would have been nice to have those wrap-ups confirmed, or even better, subject to some plot twists.  Perhaps these storylines will all be addressed in a sequel.  One can hope.

 

    Enough of the quibbling.  The romance in British Mammals could have easily become a slog for me, but fortunately Richard Herley’s storytelling and writing skills kept me turning the pages.  I loved his depictions of the English lifestyle, especially on topics such as class structures, the institution of marriage, and ecological considerations, such as deforestation to build housing developments.  British Mammals was a delightful read for me, and I look forward to the author's next novel.

 

    8 Stars.  One last thing.  Let’s hear it for NIMBY finding its way into the text here.  It's one of my favorite acronyms!

Only Human - Tom Holt

   1999; 344 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Paranormal Urban Fantasy; Satire.  Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

 

    Everybody can use a vacation now and then.  Even the Creator of the Universe and his only begotten Son.  A fishing trip is great therapy for any Father/Son relationship.

 

    Unfortunately, the Universe doesn’t stop universing when its Maker steps away.  That’s why Heaven has a stand-by operating system.  It’s called a mainframe computer.

 

    Of course, you still need someone who can monitor the mainframe program.  In case of Armageddon, or a plague, or things of that ilk.  That’s where the Creator’s other only-begotten Son (say what?) comes in.

 

    His name’s Kevin, and his only task while Pops and Big Bro are on vacation is to sit at a desk and observer the actions that the mainframe is carrying out.  Don’t touch anything, have Martha the Heavenly tea lady bring you a cup of cuppa occasionally, and contact Dad if anything unusual pops up.

 

    What could possibly go wrong?

 

What’s To Like...

    Only Human is a 1999 standalone novel by Tom Holt examining the now-popular topic of Artificial Intelligence and its alleged threat to human existence.  Thanks to Kevin’s dimwitted meddling with the mainframe's keyboard, a factory worker becomes possessed by a computer; a girl in a painting is embedded in a human girl; a Prince of Hell, Artofel, gets zapped into the Vicar of St. Anthony’s body; and the Prime Minister of Great Britain finds himself turned into a lemming.

 

    The text hops around between those four bodynappings, plus a fifth storyline: Kevin’s frantic efforts to patch things up before God and J get home.  Subplots include efforts by the computer manufacturing company, Kawaguchiya Integrated Circuits, to fix their units, plus a bunch of rogue demons (but not Artofel who’s busy with his vicar duties) trying to do some evil whilst all the chaos is unfolding.

 

    Tom Holt has fun examining the Topside/Flipside (Heaven/Hell) relationships, the role of humans and lemmings in the Divine Scheme of things, and how politics and religion find their place in all of this.  The concepts of Good and Evil often get blurred, much to some of the characters’ dismay.

 

    There are some neat references in Music (Bruce Springsteen), Writing (Stephen King, Clive Barker), Art (Hieronymus Bosch), and TV (Mulder and Scully).  Tom Holt is a British writer, so it was fun deciphering things like Captain Mainwaring, aggro, prat, squimper, Jeremy Paxman, Sir Clive Sinclair, and the vocabulary words listed below.

 

    The ending comprises the entire 33-page-long final chapter.  All the plot threads get tied up, which is no small feat, since you have lemmings, demons, humans, and Topside residents to deal with.  By the time God and J make it home, all the galactic glitches have either been resolved or at least swept under the rug.

 

Excerpts...

    ”Ich bin ein lemming.”  He paused, struggling to reunite his train of thought.  “And lemmings united,” he added tentatively, “can never be defeated.”

    “Yes we can,” said a voice to his right.  “Quite easily.”

    For a moment, Fraud found himself speculating as to whether Destiny had got the wrong number.  “Yes, but—” he said.

    “United,” the voice went on, “we’re an absolute pushover.  It’s when we all split up and run about in different directions that the predators get confused and go away.  About the only thing we do when we’re united is jump off—”

    “Shhh!”  (pg. 163)

 

    “Your whole scam’s based on one basic error.  Sorry,” she added, “but there it is.”

    “Oh yes?  And perhaps you’d be terribly sweet and let us in on the big secret?”

    Maria looked thoughtful.  “It’s not really a secret,” she said.  “More sort of staring you in the face.  Just ask yourselves: why do supreme beings have mortals in the first place?”

    The demons beamed tolerantly.  “Atmosphere,” Buffy said.

    “Like potted plants in dentists’ waiting rooms,” Chubby added.  “You don’t need them, but it makes the place look a bit less sparse.”  (pg. 293)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Jejune (adj.) : naïve, simplistic, superficial.

Others: Dozy (adj.); Welly (n.); Swarf (n.); Banjax (n.), Pinny (n., slang); Graunch (v.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.2*/5, based on 135 ratings and 12 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.80*/5, based on 1,570 ratings and 36 reviews.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, put someone else’s initials on the worksheet.  (pg. 265)

    The profanity is sparse in Only Human.  I counted just nine instances in the first 30% of the book, although that included one f-bomb.  I also noted just one typo: bd/bad.  We’ll blame the publishing house for that.

 

    Most of the negative reviews at Goodreads seemed to be those people who found the book's humor off-putting and those who were upset that God was being parodied.  Or both.  And/or the fact that they weren’t made aware that such deity-spoofing would occur.

 

    I thought Only Human was witty, entertaining, and thought-provoking.  But that's the norm for  me and any Tom Holt novel I read.  Everyone’s sense of humor is different, so here’s the litmus test:  If you've watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and were offended by the portrayal of God and the religious inferences therein, give this book a skip.  If, like most people, you found MP&THG one of the best movies you've ever watched, be prepared for a similar reaction to this tome.

 

    8½ Stars.  Oh yeah, one last piece of advice:  Psychomorphic Waveband Stabilisers.  Don’t leave home without them.

The Bear Went Over The Mountain - William Kotzwinkle

   1996; 306 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : American Humorous Fiction; Americana; Satire.  Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

 

     Arthur Bramhall, a literature professor at the University of Maine, has taken a sabbatical.  It won’t be a vacation; he plans to write a best-selling novel set in the picturesque Maine countryside.

 

    Writing it turned out to be an uphill battle.  The first version, titled Destiny and Desire, was completely reduced to ashes when Bramhall’s rural farmhouse burned down.

 

    Undeterred, and now living in a little cabin, Bramhall sets forth to write an even better story.  And, at least according to himself, he's succeeded.  The next step is to find a publisher, but in the meantime, he needs to make sure it can’t be lost in a fire.

 

    So Arthur packs the precious manuscript in a briefcase, and takes it out into the meadow across from his cabin, then hides the briefcase under the boughs of a spruce tree.  Safe from any fire, Arthur is sure.

 

    Too bad a bear was watching Arthur stash the briefcase.  After Arthur departs, the bear’s curiosity takes over, which naturally involves the subject of food, since bears are always hungry.

 

    Maybe there’s a pie in that there briefcase!

 

What’s To Like...

    From the very beginning of the tale, the bear in The Bear Went Over the Mountain is an amazing creature.  He can read, he can open briefcases, he can even talk with humans.  More advanced things, such as selling things for profit, or having ulterior motives are beyond him, at least at the beginning of the story.  But the bear is a quick learner, especially if it’s something that can fill his belly with all those sweet foods that humans enjoy.

 

    The main storyline of the tale becomes apparent early on, and revealing it is not a spoiler.  As the bear ventures further into the human world, he begins to become human.  Meanwhile, Arthur Bramhall, trying to locate the bear/thief in the wilds, gains a greater understanding of forest creatures, and begins turning into a bear.

 

    For me, the biggest joy of reading this book was watching our two protagonists adapt to their new environments.  The bear can talk, but only barely, or should I say “bearly”.  Most of the time he utters "food" words, because that's what he mostly thinks about, but his utterances are usually misinterpreted as being keen insight into the humans he’s interacting with.  But the bear is undeterred; his dream is to become recognized as a human.

 

    I enjoyed the many cultural references in the book.  Rachmaninoff’s “Vespers” gets mentioned in passing, so does Proust’s “In Remembrance of Things Past”.  I chuckled at the mention of the “Dalton bookstore”; that franchise used to be in just about every shopping mall around; now I don’t think they even exist anymore.

 

    The ending is good, albeit straightforward and without any startling twists.  Both the bear, who along the way acquires the name “Hal Jam”, and Arthur end up happy and content.  Things close with a brief epilogue, which leaves the door open for a sequel, but I don’t believe William Kotzwinkle has penned one in the three decades since The Bear Went Over the Mountain was published.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.4/5 based on 246 ratings and 121 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.72/5 based on 2,293 ratings and 348 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    Wheelock said, “We’ve all been concerned for you, Arthur.”

    Bramhall’s nose twitched.  The smell that was coming from Wheelock was ambition, a sweet greasy smell, as if Wheelock were roasting a pig in his shirt.

    “The department was wondering if you’ve had trouble with your mail,” said Settlemire.

    “I don’t open mail anymore.”

    “Ah.”  Wheelock was noting Bramhall’s filthy pants.  And he seems to be sprouting hair on his forehead.  Glandular disturbance?  (loc. 1128)

 

    “Something in that window upset you.  What was it?”

    A taxi pulled toward them, and the bear jumped in.  Zou Zou climbed in after him.  He was looking out the back window apprehensively.

    My god, wondered Zou Zou, is he going to crack the way Hemingway did?  Or is he on some weird drug??  And if he is why doesn’t he give some to me?

    Gall bladder of bear, thought the bear.  This is the real human world.  They act civilized they wear frilly panties, but when they feel like it, they’ll put you in a bottle.  (loc. 1404)

 

Kindle Details…

    The Bear Went Over the Mountain costs $12.99 at Amazon right now, which makes it the highest-priced e-book by this author.  William Kotzwinkle has nine other books available for your Kindle, including a children’s book titled Walter the Farting Dog.  Those e-books cost anywhere from 2.99 to $9.99.  I don’t think all of his novels have been converted to e-book format yet.

 

“What I always say is if you ain’t got a noseful of porcupine quills, you’re doing okay.”  (loc. 283)

    There are a few nits to pick.  William Kotzwinkle has written a number of children’s books (see the previous section for his most famous series), and since this book’s title references an old children’s ditty by the same name, you might assume it’s also a children’s book.

 

    It is not.  I didn’t notice any cusswords in the first 10% of the book, but 14 showed up in the next 10% of the book, including a couple of f-bombs.  A number of adult situations also occur, and you really don’t want little Timmy or Susie asking about those.

 

    There are no chapter divisions in the book.  Terry Pratchett would be proud, but most of us readers like to have easily identifiable places to stop.  The Kindle version also had no page numbers, although in fairness, the “location numbers” are there which can be a substitute for page numbers.  The editing was good; I only spotted one typo: break-through/breakthrough.

 

    Overall, I enjoyed The Bear Went Over the Mountain.  It’s a fast, easy read, and there’s plenty of satire, which are a nice balance for the author's insights into a world where humans and feral animals search to find a way to coexist.

 

    I have one other e-book by William Kotzwinkle on my Kindle, his 1974 breakthrough bestseller, The Fan Man.  Since the selection of his books for the Kindle is limited, I might have to go looking for some of his yet-to-be-digitalized books at my local used-book store.

 

    8½ Stars.  Go back and re-read the second excerpt, which mentions “Gall Bladder of Bear”.  I thought this was some silliness invented by the author for comic effect, but it's real.  Go to Wikipedia and look up “Bile Bear”, and be ready to be outraged.

You Are A Ghost (Sign Here Please) - Andrew Stanek

   2016; 209 pages.  New Author? : No.  Full Title: You Are A Ghost (Sign Here Please): The Hotly Unanticipated Sequel.  Book 2 (out of 7) in the “You Are Dead” series.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Satire.  Overall Rating : 7*/10.

 

    It’s time for Round Two in the epic confrontation between the lately departed Nathan Haynes and the embodiment of the Afterworld bureaucracy, Director Fulcher.  Round One was won by Nathan, who used the clever ploy of refusing to sign Form 21-B, thereby turning down the usual offer of eternal existence in the hereafter.  You can read all about that confrontation here.

 

    This time around Director Fulcher has come up with a strategic counter-loophole.  He might have to keep sending Nathan back to our world, but that doesn’t mean he has to supply our hero with a flesh-and-blood body.

 

    Nathan will be forced to be a ghost instead.  Nobody will be able to see him; he won’t be able to reach out and touch anything; and pretty soon Nathan will be on his knees, begging to be allowed to take up eternal residency in the Afterlife.

 

    Prepare to die, Nathan Haynes!  Oops, you’ve already done that.

 

What’s To Like...

    As its subtitle notes, You Are A Ghost (Sign Here Please) is the second book in Andrew Stanek’s hilarious “You Are Dead” series.  Nathan Haynes once again stymies the entire Hereafter hierarchy by asking deep questions such as “Why?” and “What If?”, but this time he has to do it while learning to be a ghost, which takes some getting used to.

 

    The settings for this story are the same as before: just the Hereafter, and Dead Donkey, Nevada.  Most of the secondary characters are also repeats: Director Fulcher, Brian, Travis, and Questor Delroy, but there are some faces as well, including Fulcher’s boss, Overdirector Powell; Lord Wesley Benediktus, and the amazing co-pilot, Rex.

 

    Nathan only dies twice here in YAAG(SHP), although one is a repeat from the previous book: dying due to a stroke, while also being mauled by a badger, while also being crushed by a bathtub.  What are the odds??

    I enjoyed learning about the equiclops (which is often mistaken for a horse), as well as a bunch of useful phrases in "faux-French".  There were some neat trivia tidbits along the way, such as the interrobang (so aptly named), the Voynich manuscript (Wiki it), and the mysterious arrow in the FedEx logo (once you’ve seen it, you cannot unsee it). 

 

    The ending is ridiculous and over-the-top, which is entirely appropriate for a book of this genre.  It could’ve had a bit more tension built into it, but that was true in the first book as well.  Things close with a short teaser for the Book 3 in the series, You Are Doomed (Sign Here Please), which I have on my Kindle.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.1/5 based on 370 ratings and 92 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.01/5 based on 308 ratings and 29 reviews

 

Excerpts...

    “It’s just all so depressing,” Ern continued.  “All I do is kill, kill, kill and I’m really not paid enough.  If you chip in an extra twenty dollars, I’ll kill you.”

    Now Nathan was getting seriously annoyed.  He sat back down heavily in one of his less green chairs and crossed his arms.

    “I’m not going to pay you anything to kill me.”

    Ern shrugged his shoulders and holstered his pistol.

    “Fine,” he said.  “Then I won’t do it.  Stay alive.  See if I care.  Oh, but please do me a favor, and if anyone asks, say you’ve been killed.  That will make things much easier for me in the future.”  (loc. 134)

 

    “Do you have a moment to talk about atheism?” she asked him brightly.

    “No,” Brian said.  “I am chasing a very dumb ghost who is probably getting himself lost at this very moment.”

    “Particularly Cynical Atheism has the power to change your life,” the woman insisted.  “Did you know that existence is a slow, absurd, and meaningless march from the cradle to the grave?”

    “Of course I know that, I’m a bureaucrat,” Brian said, and shoved the flier back into the woman’s hands.  (loc. 1252)

 

Kindle Details…

    You Are A Ghost (Sign Here Please) sells for $0.99 at Amazon, the same price as for all the other books in the series, and indeed, just about all of Andrew Stanek’s e-books, other than his Felix Green Mysteries series, which are priced at $2.99 apiece.   From time to time, he has been known to discount some of his books to free.

 

“You have been beaten by a braindead ghost with a pelican.  Unacceptable.”  (loc. 3429)

    I couldn’t find much to quibble about in You Are A Ghost (Sign Here Please).  The writing is admirably clean: just seven cusswords in the entire book (six ‘damns’ and one ‘hell’) and one drug reference, to amphetamines.

 

    The storytelling is both ludicrous and straightforward, but if you’re reading these books in order (and why wouldn’t you, since they’re all identically priced?), you already know this since Book One is in the same style of writing.

 

    As with most indie-author books, there are a couple of typos, including principle/principal and by in large/by and large.  But I was impressed by just how few of these errors were present.

    A bigger quibble was that I didn't see much progression in the overarching storyline.  I’m now getting the feeling that that might be true for the whole series: seven episodes with minor variations of the same plotline.  Sort of like the classic sitcom Bewitched, where the plot each week was just mother-in-law Endora turning Darrin into some kind of animal.

 

    But hey, I loved watching Bewitched, and all those similar episodes kept me entertained because the witty dialogue and madcap antics had me laughing whole way through.  That’s how I feel about YAAG(SHP).  The humor is zany and it’s my kind of silliness, the characters are likable (even the baddies), and Andrew Stanek’s views on things like bureaucracy, religion, and badgers-with-attitudes were both thought-provoking and entertaining.

 

    7 Stars.  Add one star if you think Bewitched was a great TV show.

Catchee Monkey - Sean Cameron

   2014 (so sez Amazon, although my e-book says 2021); 183 pages.  Full Title: Catchee Monkey: Two Detectives, One Murder, No Clue.  Book 1 (out of 4) in the “Rex & Eddie Mysteries” series.  New Author? : Yes.  Genre : Satire; Murder Mystery; Humorous Crime Fiction.  Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

 

    Rex and Eddie have just been fired.  Again.  This time they were working as mall cops when they got the axe.  Something about them trying to arrest legitimate shoppers.

 

    What kind of job should two former mall cops be looking for now?  More importantly, what kind of job can they get where they won’t be fired?  Well, how about becoming a two-man, self-employed Private Investigation team?  Not having a boss means no one can fire you, amiright?

 

    Fortuitously, a cheap, seedy office space in a cheap, seedy, mostly-empty strip mall has just opened up.  And Rex and Eddie have just discovered a flaw in their career plans.  Nobody is going to hire two PI’s whose combined job experience is zero.  Now where will they find their first case to investigate?

 

    Hey, how come that big ugly splotch on their office carpet looks like a bloodstain?

 

What’s To Like...

    The subtitle of Catchee Monkey—Two Detectives, One Murder, No Clue—gives a good idea of the book’s tone.  If you like duos such as Bill & Ted, Wayne & Garth, and Beavis & Butthead, you’ll enjoy this book.  Rex and Eddie schlep around town, learning how to be private investigators, running afoul of police detectives, and causing unknown bad guys to seek to do away with them.

 

    I liked the supporting characters, which include a drug-dealer with all sorts of great connections, a girlfriend who doesn’t mind dumping a beau if it means moving up in society, and a street beggar who can be counted on to lend flat broke sleuths some money.

 

    The book is written in British, not American, and I enjoyed learning new vocabulary and phrases from across the pond such as: chav, strop, hob, wheelie bin, Morris Minor, and ponce.  The name of one of Rex & Eddie’s favorite pubs, “The Jolly Codger”, made me chuckle, as did the malady “Tourette’s of the foot”.

 

    The book’s title refers to a strategy our heroes used in playing Laser Tag.  Rex and Eddie are in their 20s, and are laughed at by the teenaged Laser Tag regulars who see them as geezers.  I’ve only played Laser Tag once in my life, I was middle-aged, and I didn’t get the hang of how to maximize one’s score at all.

 

   There are a couple of great plot twists along the way to keep you on your toes.  They lead to an ending that is exciting, over-the-top, overly convenient, and with all the major plotlines tied up.  For this genre, those are all plusses.  Catchee Monkey is both a standalone story as well as the first novel in a 4-book series.  I doubt that reading the series in order is important.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  3.7/5 based on 363 ratings and 189 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.39/5 based on 376 ratings and 52 reviews.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Chav (n.) : a young person of a type characterized by brash and loutish behavior. (British slang)

Others: Hob (n.); Strop (n., British slang).

 

Excerpts...

    “This is well overdue, gentlemen.  You’re both finished.”

    “Great meeting, Chief.” Rex stood.

    “He doesn’t mean the meeting,” Eddie said.

    Rex settled back down with a puzzled expression.

    “You two are a pair of—”

    “Mavericks?” Rex said.

    “You both knocked over a fragile old lady.”

    Rex threw his hands up in the air.  “Uh, apprehended a suspect with many stolen items in her bag.”

    “She had receipts for everything.”

    “It’s a good alibi.  I’ll give her that.”  (loc. 184)

 

    “I thought you’d always wanted to do a stake-out.”

    “So did I, but this is rubbish.  I’m hungry.”

    “I told you to bring snacks.  Did you?”

    “No.  Did you?”

    Eddie pulled his lunchbox closer.  “For myself.”

    “I’m not sharing my cola then.”

    “I don’t drink cola.  It’s dehydrating.”

    Rex scrunched up his face.  “Don’t get started with that again.”

    “It’s true.  It’s science.”

    “It’s science,” Rex said in a caveman voice.  “How can liquid dehydrate you?  It’s liquid.”  (loc. 772)

 

Kindle Details…

    Catchee Monkey presently sells for $2.99 at Amazon.  Books 2 and 3 in the series go for the same price, but be aware that they are both less than 140 pages in length.  Book 4, The Third Banana, goes for $3.99 and is listed as being 314 pages long.

 

“Softly, softly, catchee monkey, remember?”  (loc. 763)

    There’s not much to complain about in Catchee Monkey.  Cussing is sparse, only five instances in the first 50% of the book, and those were mild ones: four “damns” and one “hell”.  I was impressed.

 

    There were a number of typos and grammar errors, but not to where I’d call it distracting.  The most flagrant was the repeated lack of commas when addressing someone in direct dialogue.  Others were things like head first/headfirst, smile/smiled, and my favorite: regime/regimen.

 

    That’s about it.  I suppose I could gripe about the book’s brevity – a mere 183 pages in my e-book version.  In fairness, the Amazon blurb calls this a “novella”, even though I think of novellas as being a maximum of 150 pages or so.

 

    For me, Catchee Monkey was a short, easy, delightfully entertaining read, with tons and tons of witty and funny dialogue.  Which was exactly what I was looking for.

 

    7½ Stars.  One thing to note.  Unlike the duos cited earlier in this review, at this point Rex and Eddie are not bosom buddies.  Both have traits that irritate the other, but they ignore these for the sake of solving the case and thereby earning some cash.  I thought that was kind of neat.

The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Clmbed Out the Window and Disappeared - Jonas Jonasson

   2012; 388 pages.  Book 1 (out of 2) in the series “The Hundred-Year-Old Man”.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres: Satire; Swedish Literature & Fiction; Humorous Fiction.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    Allan Karlsson turns 100 years old today.  The Old Folks’ Home where he lives has planned a party to celebrate this and it starts in an hour.

 

    Allan has lived a full and exciting life, although he rarely talks about it.  No one at the rest home would believe him anyway.

 

    Allan’s not looking forward to the party.  That bad-tempered old Director Alice most likely won’t allow him to drink any vodka.  So he decides to go on one last adventure before he dies.  He stuffs what little money he still has into his pocket, and like the title says, climbs out the window and walks away.  He’ll catch a bus at the nearby station and disappear by going as far as his cash will take him.  Which admittedly isn’t very far.

 

    Director Alice will be livid.  When she catches up to him, I’d hate to be in Allan’s shoes.  Well, in his slippers, actually.  Allan didn’t do much planning for this escape.

 

What’s To Like...

    The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared was published in September 2009.  It was Jonas Jonasson’s debut novel, became a bestseller in Sweden in 2010, and by 2012 had sold three million copies worldwide.  The original language is Swedish of course, and it was translated into English in 2012 by Rod Bradbury.  The story chronicles both Allan’s current escapade, and the various adventures he'd experienced over the course of his long life.

 

    This is a “humorous satire” novel, with most of the funniness being of a “gentle” kind, despite several deaths occurring along the way.  In a nutshell, if you liked Forrest Gump, you’ll like this book.  The present-day tale begins in a small Swedish village called Malmkoping, which really exists (population: 1,977 in 2010), with Allan’s past history interspersed throughout the story as a series of flashbacks.  You’ll also spend some time in a town with the bizarre name of Yxhult, also real, and which thankfully has a phonetic pronunciation. 

 

    Allan apparently had a lifelong knack for crossing paths with world leaders.  His name-dropping list includes Mao Tse-Tung, Josef Stalin, Generalissimo Franco, Charles de Gaulle, and US presidents Harry Truman, Lyndon Johnson, and Richard Nixon.  All these luminaries remember him fondly and will put in a good word or do him a favor if asked.  Like Forrest Gump, Allan offers some keen insights along the way on topics such as world politics, religion, U.S. foreign policy, and the Korean War.  Bear in mind that Sweden historically is a neutral country, and Allan’s viewpoints often reflect this.

 

    Allan’s did a lot of globetrotting in his life, so the reader is treated to bits and pieces of a bunch of languages.  You’ll learn to cuss in both Farsi (“Khafe sho!”) and Spanish (Vete a la mierda!”), as well as the Balinese word for frog (“kodok”), a Russian maxim about not combining smoking and football, plus several Indonesian words for ordering food in a restaurant.  You’ll even hear Stalin give a Swedish toast (“Helam gar, sjung hopp federallan lallan lej!”).

 

    On a more practical level, you’ll learn how to brew vodka from goats’ milk, and the secret recipe for making the tastiest watermelons in the world.  Trivia buffs will enjoy learning about Sonya Hedenbratt and Georgy Flyorov (both real people), the early 20^th-century practice of forced castration of those deemed “mentally infirm” (also real, even in the US!), and the mysterious World War 2 disappearance of Glenn Miller.  And spiritually, you’ll find out how to get kicked out of both Jehovah Witnesses and Pentecostal congregations.

 

    The book closes with Allan’s “past” storyline finally catching up to his “present” one.  In true Forrest-Gumpian style, all turns out well for Allan and his chums, including Buster and Sonya (who?), and except for the fox and the kitten.  Incredibly, given that Allan is a centenarian, there is a 2018 sequel to this story: The Accidental Further Adventures of the Hundred-Year-Old Man.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Dab Hand (n., phrase) : a person who is an expert at a particular activity (a Britishism).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.3*/5, based on 19,198 ratings and 14,787 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.81*/5, based on 242,371 ratings and 24,749 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    Allan said that he wasn’t dead, and if the Popov couple wanted to make sure he didn’t freeze to death it would be best if they immediately lead him to a restaurant where he could get some vodka and perhaps a bite to eat.

    “It really is you…” Yuri finally managed to exclaim.  “But … you speak Russian…?”

    “Yes.  I went on a five-year course in your country’s language shortly after we last met,” said Allan.  “The school was called Gulag.  What about the vodka?”  (loc. 4879)

 

    “What do you want me to help you with if I may ask?” said Allan.  “There are only two things I can do better than most people.  One of them is to make vodka from goats’ milk, and the other is to put together an atom bomb.”

   “That’s exactly what we’re interested in,” said the man.

    “The goats’ milk?”

    “No,” said the man.  “Not the goats’ milk.”  (loc. 5362)

 

Kindle Details…

    The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who … Disappeared currently sells for $9.99 at Amazon.  Its sequel, The Accidental Further Adventures of the Hundred-Year-Old Man, is priced at $11.99.  Jonas Jonasson has one other e-book in English: The Girl Who Saved the King of Sweden, and it goes for a mere $1.99 right now.  You can also pre-order his next novel, Sweet Sweet Revenge, for $14.99, which is due to be released May 31, 2022.

 

“Father Ferguson wasn’t a man who took a no for a no.”  (loc. 2173)

    The quibbles are minor.  There’s a small amount of cussing: 17 instances in the first 20%, including one use of the f-bomb.  One wonders what those words are in the original Swedish tongue.  Also, although I wouldn’t call our protagonist a flawed character, he is capable of larceny, lying, and accidental manslaughter.

 

    The template for handling dialogue was annoyingly awkward.  No quotation marks are used; instead it starts the talking with an “em dash”, then lets you guess where it ends and where the next bit of conversation resumes.  And yes, I reformatted the conversations in the two excerpts given above into the standard style for dialogue.  It appeased my OCD.

 

    8 Stars.  I enjoyed The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who … Disappeared, which says something since I wasn’t wowed by Forrest Gump.  The translating felt smooth, the wit was my kind of humor, Allan was my kind of hero, even the baddies had some redeeming qualities, and the storyline had lots of over-the-top antics.  It kept my interest throughout and I’m looking forward to reading the sequel.