Ye Gods! - Tom Holt

   1992; 296 pages.  New Author? :No.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Mythology; Satire.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    It’s not easy being the son of a Roman god.  And the head honcho, no less, Jupiter himself.  Just ask Jason Derry. 

 

    Oh, it certainly has some benefits.  You’re a physical masterpiece: you can run at super speeds, dodge flying bullets, and beat the daylight out of any human foolish enough to get into a fight with you.

 

    There are limits however.  Jason’s mom is a mortal, which makes him only a half-god.  Full-blooded deities are more powerful than him, and probably smarter as well.  That means he’s susceptible to being manipulated by the gods, if they so choose.

 

    And Jason has a sneaking suspicion that they are so choosing.

 

What’s To Like...

    Ye Gods! is a clever blend of several Greek mythological tales (Jason & the Golden Fleece, Prometheus) and the modern-day quantum physics concept of multiverses.  If you have an infinite number of parallel universes, at least one of them will still be inhabited by the ancient gods and heroes.  The tale is told via 14 chapters covering 296 pages, with a plethora of fabulous footnotes added that would make Terry Pratchett proud.

 

    It was fun to watch Tom Holt add twists to the classical Greco-Roman myths.  Jason still procures the Golden Fleece, but it’s a minor part of this story.  The gods weren’t mad at Prometheus for giving Fire to humans; it was his second gift to us that got him chained to the rock, with an eagle sent daily to peck out his liver.  The second gift was . . . well, revealing that would be a spoiler.

 

    I’m a lifelong mythology lover, so Ye Gods! was a literary delight for me.  Eleven of the Romanized deities play parts here, plus a twelfth one that I had never heard of.  I was sure that last one was something Tom Holt had dreamed up, and then surprised when I found a Wikipedia page about him.  I’d tell you the god’s name, but that too would a spoiler.

 

    Tom Holt is a British novelist, thus the book is written in English, not American.  So for us Yanks, there were some odd spellings (cheque, sulphur, dialled) and weird words (shufti, git, biro), but I’ve gotten familiar with most of these.  The author also works lots of trivia-worthy items into the text, such as Perry Mason, Burger King, Mithraism, Vivaldi, and one of my heroes, Aleister Crowley.  Late in the story, we get to watch an episode of an alternate-universe TV Game Show called God’s My Witness.  That was exciting.

 

    The ending is vintage Tom Holt: unforeseen yet absurdly logical.  Jason (and the reader) finally get to the bottom of the godly skullduggery, and for perhaps the first time in his life, our hero is introduced to the concept of free will.

 

Excerpts...

    ”Virgil,” he said, “can I ask you something?”

    “Be my guest,” said the Mantuan.

    “If you had a little voice in the back of your head,” said Jason, “that kept telling you to . . . no, suggesting that you do things that you really don’t want to do, because they’re dangerous and you don’t understand why they need doing anyway, how would you react?”

    “I’d have a lobotomy,” Virgil replied unhesitatingly.  “Nothing worse than a chatty brain, I always say.”  (pg. 99)

 

   “Bad King Atreus looked out

    On the slopes of Pindus

    Lightning came and rubbed him out,

    Blowing him to cinders.

    Atreus, the silly sod,

    Came to Jove’s attention.

    People who offend a god

    Don’t collect their pension.”  (pg. 242)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Nobble (v.) : to try to influence or thwart someone by underhanded or unfair means.  (British, slang)

Others: Chiropody (n.); Simpulum (n.); Profiteroles (n.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.1*/5, based on 210 ratings and 26 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.71*/5, based on 1,299 ratings and 40 reviews.

 

“Just because you’re omniscient doesn’t mean you don’t forget the occasional birthday.”  (pg. 157)

    There’s not a lot of profanity in Ye Gods!  I counted just 10 instances in the first 20%, all of the either the scatological or eschatological variety.  Later on, a couple of stronger cusswords crop up, including one f-bomb.

 

    There were only a couple typos: a missing comma, hopped/hoped, and two different spellings of a character’s last name: Bennett/Bennet.

 

    A word to the wise: don't be surprised if you get a third of the way through the book and suddenly realize you have no idea what the main storyline is.  This is trademark Tom Holt, and rest assured that the main plot thread will eventually reveal itself.  In the meantime, just enjoy being entertained by the author’s wit, storytelling, and the antics of a bunch of Roman gods.

 

    8 Stars.  One last thing.  At one point, a “CND symbol” is referenced, and I had never heard of such a thing.  This stymied me, but luckily Wikipedia is the fount of all knowledge.  “CND” refers to a British activist group called the “Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament”, and its symbol is what we ex-hippies call “the peace symbol”.  Peace on!

Only Human - Tom Holt

   1999; 344 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Paranormal Urban Fantasy; Satire.  Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

 

    Everybody can use a vacation now and then.  Even the Creator of the Universe and his only begotten Son.  A fishing trip is great therapy for any Father/Son relationship.

 

    Unfortunately, the Universe doesn’t stop universing when its Maker steps away.  That’s why Heaven has a stand-by operating system.  It’s called a mainframe computer.

 

    Of course, you still need someone who can monitor the mainframe program.  In case of Armageddon, or a plague, or things of that ilk.  That’s where the Creator’s other only-begotten Son (say what?) comes in.

 

    His name’s Kevin, and his only task while Pops and Big Bro are on vacation is to sit at a desk and observer the actions that the mainframe is carrying out.  Don’t touch anything, have Martha the Heavenly tea lady bring you a cup of cuppa occasionally, and contact Dad if anything unusual pops up.

 

    What could possibly go wrong?

 

What’s To Like...

    Only Human is a 1999 standalone novel by Tom Holt examining the now-popular topic of Artificial Intelligence and its alleged threat to human existence.  Thanks to Kevin’s dimwitted meddling with the mainframe's keyboard, a factory worker becomes possessed by a computer; a girl in a painting is embedded in a human girl; a Prince of Hell, Artofel, gets zapped into the Vicar of St. Anthony’s body; and the Prime Minister of Great Britain finds himself turned into a lemming.

 

    The text hops around between those four bodynappings, plus a fifth storyline: Kevin’s frantic efforts to patch things up before God and J get home.  Subplots include efforts by the computer manufacturing company, Kawaguchiya Integrated Circuits, to fix their units, plus a bunch of rogue demons (but not Artofel who’s busy with his vicar duties) trying to do some evil whilst all the chaos is unfolding.

 

    Tom Holt has fun examining the Topside/Flipside (Heaven/Hell) relationships, the role of humans and lemmings in the Divine Scheme of things, and how politics and religion find their place in all of this.  The concepts of Good and Evil often get blurred, much to some of the characters’ dismay.

 

    There are some neat references in Music (Bruce Springsteen), Writing (Stephen King, Clive Barker), Art (Hieronymus Bosch), and TV (Mulder and Scully).  Tom Holt is a British writer, so it was fun deciphering things like Captain Mainwaring, aggro, prat, squimper, Jeremy Paxman, Sir Clive Sinclair, and the vocabulary words listed below.

 

    The ending comprises the entire 33-page-long final chapter.  All the plot threads get tied up, which is no small feat, since you have lemmings, demons, humans, and Topside residents to deal with.  By the time God and J make it home, all the galactic glitches have either been resolved or at least swept under the rug.

 

Excerpts...

    ”Ich bin ein lemming.”  He paused, struggling to reunite his train of thought.  “And lemmings united,” he added tentatively, “can never be defeated.”

    “Yes we can,” said a voice to his right.  “Quite easily.”

    For a moment, Fraud found himself speculating as to whether Destiny had got the wrong number.  “Yes, but—” he said.

    “United,” the voice went on, “we’re an absolute pushover.  It’s when we all split up and run about in different directions that the predators get confused and go away.  About the only thing we do when we’re united is jump off—”

    “Shhh!”  (pg. 163)

 

    “Your whole scam’s based on one basic error.  Sorry,” she added, “but there it is.”

    “Oh yes?  And perhaps you’d be terribly sweet and let us in on the big secret?”

    Maria looked thoughtful.  “It’s not really a secret,” she said.  “More sort of staring you in the face.  Just ask yourselves: why do supreme beings have mortals in the first place?”

    The demons beamed tolerantly.  “Atmosphere,” Buffy said.

    “Like potted plants in dentists’ waiting rooms,” Chubby added.  “You don’t need them, but it makes the place look a bit less sparse.”  (pg. 293)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Jejune (adj.) : naïve, simplistic, superficial.

Others: Dozy (adj.); Welly (n.); Swarf (n.); Banjax (n.), Pinny (n., slang); Graunch (v.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.2*/5, based on 135 ratings and 12 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.80*/5, based on 1,570 ratings and 36 reviews.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, put someone else’s initials on the worksheet.  (pg. 265)

    The profanity is sparse in Only Human.  I counted just nine instances in the first 30% of the book, although that included one f-bomb.  I also noted just one typo: bd/bad.  We’ll blame the publishing house for that.

 

    Most of the negative reviews at Goodreads seemed to be those people who found the book's humor off-putting and those who were upset that God was being parodied.  Or both.  And/or the fact that they weren’t made aware that such deity-spoofing would occur.

 

    I thought Only Human was witty, entertaining, and thought-provoking.  But that's the norm for  me and any Tom Holt novel I read.  Everyone’s sense of humor is different, so here’s the litmus test:  If you've watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and were offended by the portrayal of God and the religious inferences therein, give this book a skip.  If, like most people, you found MP&THG one of the best movies you've ever watched, be prepared for a similar reaction to this tome.

 

    8½ Stars.  Oh yeah, one last piece of advice:  Psychomorphic Waveband Stabilisers.  Don’t leave home without them.

The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse - Tom Holt

   2023; 303 pages.  Book 8 (out of 8) in the “J.W. Wells & Co.” series.  New Author? :No.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Christmas Tie-In; Mythology.  Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

 

    The end of the world is nigh!  We’re all going to die the same way the dinosaurs did—by having a big asteroid smashing into, and obliterating, planet Earth.

 

    Well, there are a few differences.  This asteroid is being steered by a Mesopotamian goddess who was locked inside it a couple of millennia ago.  Her name is Tiamat, and she’s divorced, mad as heck, and living up to her nickname “the Destroyer”.

 

    Maybe we should fly up to the asteroid in a rocket, unlock the door to her enclosure, get her out, and change the path of the asteroid.  Too bad nobody knows where the key to that cell door is anymore.  Okay then, maybe we can get her ex- to talk to her and persuade her to alter course.

 

    Or not.  For starters we don’t know who her ex- is and where he might be, and chances are a conversation between him and Taimat will just enrage her further.

 

What’s To Like...

    The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse is the latest absurdist fantasy novel from Tom Holt wherein equal parts of Doomsday dread and office politics are combined with a healthy dose of Holt’s trademark wry British humour.  It is also a return, after a 12-year hiatus, to his “J.W. Wells & Co.” series, which features a firm whose clients and employees are mostly of the magical ilk.  Here, though, the focus is on a rival company of JWW&C., Dawson, Ahriman, and Dawson, and their team of Thaumaturgical & Metaphysical Engineers.

 

   We follow the efforts and wiles of several DA&D employees, some in Upper Management, others further down the corporate ladder, including an intern and a receptionist.  That might sound boring, but corporate subterfuges abound and it turns out a lot DA&D’s workforce are out-of-work deities (shades of Neil Gaiman's American Gods and Marie Phillips' Gods Behaving Badly!) just hanging out until they can find another world to reign over.  It was fun trying to figure out Who was masquerading as whom in the god/human charade.

 

    As usual, Tom Holt weaves a plethora of plotlines into the tale to keep things interesting.  These include a mysterious gray polymer package, a photobomb fanatic, missing paintings, and whether a jolly fellow named Nick will find gainful employment again.  You’ll also play the Riddle Game with a Gollum-like character, desperately look for a “Get Out of Death Free” card, and dream of acquiring a Bottomless Purse.

 

    You might think a killer asteroid is easy to fix for a bunch of out-of-work gods, but they waver between apathy (“We’re immortal.  We’ll survive anything.”) and angst (Ye gods!  There’ll be no one left to worship us!).  Everything builds to a pleasingly absurd ending, with a pleasingly overlooked character stepping up to save the day.  Things close with what appears to be a teaser for a sequel.  I for one certainly hope Tom Holt is working on one.

 

Excerpts...

    ”There is no—”  Mr. Teasdale froze, as thirty years of sincere trusting disbelief crashed round his ears like a Philistine temple.  “There really is a Santa Claus?”

    “Yup.  As a matter of fact, he was in my office only the other day,  Nice chap, but a bit scary.”

    “Are you sure?”

    The look on Mr. Teasdale’s face.  Half an hour ago, Mr. Dawson was pretty sure he’d never laugh again.  It was nice to find out he’d been wrong.  “Sure I’m sure,” he said.  “The man himself.  Even came down the chimney.”

    “We haven’t got a chimney.”

    “I know.”  (loc. 1860)

 

    “You were going too fast,” the spokeswoman interpreted.  “Showing off.  Probably texting.  And now look what you’ve done.”

    The spokeswoman had a high, shrill voice and plenty of it, but the pilot couldn’t help noticing she was kinda cute, if you like ‘em green and frondy.  “Jump-started evolution on your world, by the looks of it,” he said.  “Hey, get a load of that Woodlice.”  And the morning and the evening, incidentally, were the fifth day.”

    “Yuk,” said the spokeswoman firmly.  “Creepy-crawlies.”

    “True,” conceded the pilot.  “Although give ‘em a day or so and they’ll be yay high, walking on their hind legs and discovering the Higgs boson.  Still, you’re probably right.  I can do you a quick flood and everything’ll be jake.”  (loc. 2184)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Gubbins (v.) : gadgets; gadgetry. (British).

Others: Insuperable (adj.);  Qurutob (n., food); Yonks (n.); Punters (n.; I never did figure out the connotation of this word.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.3*/5, based on 97 ratings and 9 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.05*/5, based on 98 ratings and 34 reviews.

 

Kindle Details…

    The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse costs $9.99 at Amazon right now, which is a pretty good deal for a recent release.  Tom Holt has a slew of other e-books for your Kindle; they range in price from $2.99 to $9.99.  Be aware that Amazon discounts of Tom Holt novels are few and far between.

 

Oh what fun it isn’t to ride on a nine-reindeer, open-topped, dangerously overcrowded faster-than-light sleigh.  (loc. 3720)

    I’m a Holt-aholic, so it’s not surprising that I can’t find much to quibble about in The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse.  I counted 26 cusswords in the first 20% of the book, which is about average for Mr. Holt.  Eight of those were f-bombs though.  The editing is good; I noted only two typos: He/The and amd/and.

 

    Some reviewers didn’t like the abundance of plot threads.  That’s understandable, but that’s the norm for a Tom Holt novel.  It keeps the reader keeps wondering how all of those tangents will figure into the storyline, and whether they can possibly be tied up coherently.  Somehow Tom Holt succeeds in doing so every time.

 

    I guess my only beef is with the title’s implied Christmas tie-in.  Yes, there’s a short guy in a red suit whose name is Nick.  But he doesn’t live at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus and a bunch of elves.  Also, the eponymous eight reindeer don’t enter into the tale until 85%-Kindle, and it’s really only a cameo appearance.  True, the book is divided into 8 chapters, and each chapter title is given a reindeer name, but those titles have nothing to do with the chapter’s contents.

 

    Overall, I think The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse is another fine tale by Tom Holt.  The wit and absurdities are still there, so are the subtle insights into not-so-subtle topics, including in this case, the practice of worshipping deities.  This is the author's 36^th novel, if I counted correctly at Wikipedia, and he’s been putting them out since 1987.  Here’s hoping he’s still got a bunch more stories to share.

 

    8½ Stars.  One last thing.  What can you create with the following items: a cinema ticket, a packet of Oreos, a zippo lighter, a rubber band, and a tuning fork?  The fate of the planet depends on you solving this!

Nothing But Blue Skies - Tom Holt

   2001; 317 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genre : British Humour; Humorous Fantasy.  Overall Rating : 7*/10.

 

    It rains a lot in England.  Most people believe the “official” explanations that it has to do with storm fronts, high- and low-pressure systems, global warming, and whatnot.

 

    Some freethinkers, otherwise known as conspiracy nuts, say they know the real cause: Weathermen.  Weathermen magically predict downpours, and storms inevitably follow.

 

    A few of those conspiracy nuts believe in an even deeper conspiracy: Dragons.  They say that dragons cause rainstorms when they get excited.  That sound like a bunch of hogwash to me.  But hey, maybe we can make it finally stop raining by forcing all those storm-causing weathermen to make nicer forecasts.

 

    After that, it'll be Nothing But Blue Skies.

 

What’s To Like...

    Nothing But Blue Skies is set in various locations in England, but all roads eventually lead to Canberra, Australia.  The book's written in English, not American, so besides the usual weird spellings, us Yanks have to suss out words and phrases such as skiving off, widdling, razzle, poxy, naff, and the mysterious acronym JCB.  As always, I loved this.

 

    The dragons have some unique features, such as being able to shapeshift into human and fish forms at will.  Alas, those apparently are the only body-switches they can make and there are certain limitations.  I had fun trying to figure out which characters are really humans and which ones are dragons in drag.

 

    As with any Tom Holt book, Nothing But Blue Skies has lots of absurdities, including Applied Metaphysics and Transdimensional Badminton and the organization Meteorologists Against Dragons.  You’ll learn the answer to “What made England great”, and there’s even a love triangle of sorts for those who like a bit of Romance mixed into the tales they read.

 

    The storyline switches around among three plot threads.  Karen, a dragon, is searching for her missing father; another dragon is stuck in a fishbowl (not a spoiler, see the cover image above); and two weathermen, Neville and Gordon, are debating with each other whether dragons are, or are not, responsible for the soggy weather.

 

    All the plotlines converge on a showdown ending.  You can see it coming, but Tom Holt infuses it with several surprises that startle both the reader and the main characters.  Things are resolved in a pleasing manner, albeit not a very exciting one.  Nothing But Blue Skies is a standalone novel, and AFAIK not related to any of Tom Holt’s other series.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.1/5 based on 84 ratings and 14 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.73/5 based on 973 ratings and 39 reviews.

 

 

Excerpts...

    “Come on.  Or I’ll leave you here.”

    Gordon thought about it for a moment.  On one hand, he really didn’t like the thought of getting out of there because Neville had been able to decipher a secret access code using his third eye.  On the other hand . . . as the old adage goes, if you’re starving in the desert and a headless skeleton riding a winged fiery camel swoops down out of thin air and hands you a cheeseburger, eat the cheeseburger.

    “Coming,” he said.  (loc.2354)

 

    Imagine Manchester.  Sorry, had you just eaten?  Let’s try a gentler approach.  Imagine a place where it rains all the time.  Imagine a place where baths are for drying off in, where you fill a kettle by holding it out of the window for a second and a half, where the current in the gutters is strong enough to turn hydroelectric turbines, where they thought Waterworld was a documentary, where Noah fortunately didn’t send out his doves (or he’d be sailing yet), where even the privatised water companies can only manage to cause a hosepipe ban one year in three.  (loc. 3678)

 

Kindle Details…

    Nothing But Blue Skies sells for $3.99 at Amazon right now.   Tom Holt has more than a dozen other fantasy e-books for your reading pleasure, ranging in price from $2.99 to $9.99.  At times, he also uses the pseudonym of K.J. Parker to write his fantasy novels, but I haven’t yet read any of those to see just what the difference is.

 

“I’m a scientist, dammit.  Trying to bore me to death is like trying to drown a fish in water.”  (loc. 2134)

    There are some things to nitpick about in Nothing But Blue Skies.

 

    There’s a moderate amount of cussing: I noted 14 instances in the first 10% of the book.  There were also more typos than I expected in the e-book version: Bfore/Before, acidentally/accidentally, off/of, and the S’sssn/S’ssssn variations of the name of one of the dragons.  Autocorrect went nutso with that last one.

 

    Tom Holt’s writing is superb, as it always is; but the storytelling seemed to dawdle at times.  To be fair, I read this while traveling, so it’s possible my brain was a bit fried.

 

    Overall, the author’s literary skills save Nothing But Blue Skies.  There may be some slow spots, but at least the reader has Tom Holt’s witty writing to make this an enjoyable read.  If you’ve never read any of the author’s novels, don’t make this your introduction to him.  But veteran Holt fans will still find this a solid effort.

 

    7 Stars.  Nothing But Blue Skies was my twenty-second Tom Holt book, and I have find any of his novels boring.  I have a few more on my bookshelf/Kindle and Amazon informs me his next one, The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse, is due to be released this coming October.  I await it eagerly.

Falling Sideways - Tom Holt

   2002; 406 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : British Humor; Humorous Fantasy.   Overall Rating: 8*/10.

 

    33-year-old David Perkins vividly remembers his first bout of puppy-love: long ago, on his twelfth birthday in fact, he was smitten by a beautiful 400-year-old witch.  Sorta.

 

    Actually, it was a portrait of a lady from the Middle Ages, painted by that famous Dutch master, Willem de Stuivens, and hanging in an art museum that his mother had dragged him to as a birthday present.  He’d just stood there staring at it until Mum said it was time to move on.

 

    The name of his heart's desire was well-known: she was Philippa “Pippa” Levens, who in 1602, at a tender young age, was accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake.  What David remembers most about his first-love encounter years ago was this: as he was turning away to follow his mum to the next room in the museum, the face in the painting stuck her tongue out at him.

 

    Now, 21 years later and coincidentally again on his birthday, David is back in the museum back at the painting, and for a good reason.  A nearby auction house has a lock of Philippa Levens’ hair up for sale, and David intends to bid on it, if that’s okay by her.

 

    The grin she gives him is all the approval he needs.

 

What’s To Like...

    The storyline in Falling Sideways abounds in confusing and complex plot twists.  It was a blast to tag along with David as he tries to figure out what’s going on.  In short, the main possibilities seem to be: a.) spacefaring frogs, b.) a one-eyed deity, c.) humans who clone, d.) humans who scam, e.) all of the above, f.) some of the above, g.) none of the above.

 

    Tom Holt is British, so lots of words are spelt funnily (colour, cheque, yoghurt, kerb, grey, cissy) and there are strange names for lots of everyday objects (Bacofoil, Tube train, saveloy and chips, Rawlplug, jemmy, VAT, pillowslip, biro, mushy peas, windscreen).  A few British terms were totally incomprehensible to me; they're listed below.

 

    Having taken two years of Mandarin Chinese classes, I loved the nod to tonal languages,  The word “ma” in Mandarin has an incredible number of meanings, depending on the tone and glyph; here the equivalent case involves the word “uuuuurk”.  I also gained lots of practical tips, including why telling lies is like tiling bathrooms, why riding in a taxi is a wicked indulgence, and the best way to determine the atomic number of beryllium.

 

    The tale is told in 20 chapters, with Chapter 17 devoted to an explanation/backstory for all the strange goings-on, which untangles everything, assuming you can trust the person who’s explaining things, which David realizes he can't.  You’d think that would be the book’s ending, but there are still three more chapters to re-tangle and resolve a couple more of the plot threads.

 

    The ending is convenient, convoluted, and convincing, all of which are positives in a Tom Holt story.  Our hero rides off into the sunset with his true love and his six thousand sisters.  Falling Sideways is a standalone novel, and I don't think Tom Holt ever penned a sequel.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Banjax (v.) : to damage, ruin, or smash as a result of incompetence (Irishism).

Others: Saveloy (n.); Bumf (n.), Nobble (v.); Bolshy (adj.), Shufti (n.); Scudder (n.), Yonks (n.); Buckley’s chance (n., phrase).  (mostly Britishisms)

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.0*/5, based on 40 ratings.

    Goodreads: 3.61*/5, based on 1,468 ratings and 87 reviews

 

“Things That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t…

    David had never touched a girl’s foot in his life before, let alone a bare one, let alone a green bare one belonging to a creature he was responsible for bringing into the world.  (pg. 40)

 

Excerpts...

    “You haven’t been around clones as long as I have, you don’t know what they’re like.  Besides,” he added with a grin, “you’re soft on her.  Go on, admit it.”

    David smiled weakly.  “You guessed.”

    “It wasn’t all that difficult,” John replied.  “In fact, it was pretty obvious.  Actually, a blind, deaf man with a sack over his head—“

    “Yes, right,” David said.  “I get the point.”  (pg. 276)

 

    I have no idea why, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get the idea of a frog-shaped god to catch on with these people.  Gods with wings, yes; gods with horns, gods with crocodile heads and cat heads and thirty-seven different heads all arguing with each other; gods in the shape of every other kind of critter that walks the face of the Earth, in fact, not to mention burning bushes and pillars of fire, but not frogs.  As far as humanity is concerned, God may move in mysterious ways, but He doesn’t hop.  (pg. 324)

 

“Like the old proverb says, a strolling clone gathers no moss.”  (pg. 344)

    Tom Holt is one of my favorite authors when I’m in the mood for wry humor and entertaining satire, so it’s no surprise that there’s little to nitpick about in Falling Sideways.

 

    The cussing is light (13 instances in the first quarter of the book), with most of it being fairly mild, there being but a single F-bomb in those thirteen cusses.  There aren’t a lot of characters to keep track of, although some of them are clones (but are they really?) which kept both David and me addled.  Finally, if there was a reason behind the title of the book, I didn’t notice it.

 

    That’s all I can think of.  If I’ve counted correctly, Falling Sideways is my 20^th Tom Holt novel (21 if you include one of his “Lucia” offerings), and I've yet to be disappointed in anything he's written.

 

    8 Stars.  A caveat.  Falling Sideways is one of Tom Holt’s “let’s see how labyrinthine I can make the plotline” novels, and though it succeeds in that regard admirably, I wouldn’t recommend it being your introduction to his masterful storytelling.  Instead, pick one of his mythopoeic ones such as Paint Your Dragon (reviewed here) or Flying Dutch (reviewed here).

Paint Your Dragon - Tom Holt

   1996; 312 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Mythopoeic Fantasy; Humorous Fantasy; Satire.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    Saint George and the Dragon.

 

    Everybody knows the legend.  On one hand we have the hero, clad in shining armor and wielding a gleaming sword.  On the other hand, we have the beast, covered in impregnable scales, sporting claws that can slash through anything, and breathing white-hot fire.  Sometimes there’s also a princess that needs rescuing, sometimes not.  Sometimes the dragon is hoarding ill-gotten jewels, sometimes not.

 

    It’s the classic case of Good vs. Evil, and in order to be a heroic saga, Evil must, at least on the surface, objectively be the heavy favorite.  It’s five times the size of our puny knight, and its weapons and body-plating should easily carry the day.

 

    But of course, it doesn’t.  Against all odds, the knight wins, not because he’s faster or more powerful than the dragon, but because he’s nobler and purer and whatnot.  In short, because he is the embodiment of Good.  So says the tale, and hey, the winners get to write the legends.

 

    But what if the dragon was actually the good guy …er… beast?  What if the knight wins because he cheats?  And what if that only comes to light centuries later?

 

    There’s only one thing to do:  Arrange a rematch.

 

What’s To Like...

    Paint Your Dragon is another cleverly-contrived mythopoeic novel by Tom Holt in which he blurs the Good-vs-Evil aspect from a famous historical myth and creates an entertaining reevaluation of the story.  Holt wrote about 20 of these in the 1987-2002 timespan, I’ve read about half of those, and I’ve yet to be disappointed by any of them.

 

    The tale has the usual structure for his books in this genre: we follow multiple and widely-disparate storylines which keep us wondering if and how he’s ever going to coherently tie them together.  Here the main storyline is of course St. George and the Dragon, but a talented sculptress is then added to liven things up.  Then other plotlines arise: a “time-marketer” in England who will sell you extra time at an exorbitant price; a busload of demons heading to Nashville for a much-needed vacation; sixteen statues in Italy (including Michelangelo’s “David”); and a speck of dust which somehow acts as the puppet-master in all the mayhem.

 

    The tale is set for the most part in England (Birmingham gets major billing), with brief excursions to Italy and Mongolia.  As always, there is an abundance of Tom Holt's wit and zaniness to keep you entertained.  Some of the characters die, but death here is a rather temporary thing.  Body-snatching abounds, of both the animate and inanimate kinds.  You’ll learn how to go forward and backward in time (Holt’s physics is easier to grasp than Quantum physics), how many angels can dance of the head of a pin (hint: it depends on what dance they’re doing), and why you don’t see dragons nowadays.

 

    The book is written in English, not American, so besides the usual spelling differences, you meet pillocks with holdalls; and keep shtum so you don’t get nutted.  People can be dozy or cozzy and things can be naff.  You’re expected to know who Alf Garnett is, greet others with “Wotcher!”, cry out “Strewth!” if you're surprised, and keep studying this strange language for yonks.

 

    The story has a typical Tom Holt ending: he somehow manages to deftly tie up all those plotlines, and wraps things up in an unpredictable manner.  Like the rest of Tom Holt’s mythopoeic tales, this is a standalone novel, with no sequel needed.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Meretricious (adj.) : apparently attractive but having in reality no value or integrity.

Others: Parthenogenetically (adv.); Banjax (n.); Myrmidon (n.); and many others.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.5*/5, based on 20 ratings.

    Goodreads: 3.76*/5, based on 615 ratings and 23 reviews.

 

Things that Sound Dirty but Aren’t…

    “Please, can I put my clothes back on now, Miss Frobisher?  I’m going blue.” (loc. 3478)

 

Excerpts...

    He [Dragon George Cody] it was who first justified the clearances by saying that the knights stood for good and the dragons stood for evil, and, in his own terms, he was right.  The knights were, after all, soldiers of the Church, ultimately searching for the Grail, and the dragons were getting in the way and, by deviously getting killed and eaten by the locals, giving aid and comfort to the hostile tribesmen.  Besides, George pointed out, dragons burn towns and demand princesses as ransom.

    The dragons, referring to the Siege of Jerusalem, the Sack of Constantinople and a thousand years of dynastic marriages, said, Look who’s talking.  But rarely twice.  (loc. 866)

 

    There’s an urban folk-myth that says that every time a child says he doesn’t believe in dragons, somewhere a dragon dies.  This is unlikely, because if it was true, we’d spend half our lives shovelling thirty-foot corpses out of the highways with dumper trucks and the smell would be intolerable.  Slightly more credible is the quaint folk-theorem that says that the higher up and away you go, the less rigid and hidebound the rules become; it’s something to do with relativity, and it limps by for the simple reason that it’s far more trouble than it’s worth to disprove it.  (loc. 4984)

 

You can get paranoid, thinking too hard about coincidences.  (loc. 2472 )

    The quibbles are few and nitpicky.  There is some cussing - 16 instances in the first 20% - but a lot of time the made-up cussword “shopfloor” is substituted, as in “What the shopfloor!?”.

 

    Some reviewers complained that following all those plotlines got confusing.  There’s some merit to this, but if you've read any of Tom Holt's novels before, you're aware that this is his usual style, and you don’t open the book when you’re dead tired.

 

    Finally, if you were hoping for a tie-in to the musical and/or film, Paint Your Wagon, ANAICT, there is none.  Then again, I’ve never watched either version of PYW, so what do I know.

  

    8 Stars.  Paint Your Dragon is another great piece of story-retelling by Tom Holt.  It entertained me throughout and also raises some interesting questions about – beyond the telling of St. George and the Dragon – how blindly you should trust those "winners" in history who then purport to write an objective account of the matter.   More to follow concerning that in a bit, via a review of my first book by Noam Chomsky.

Expecting Someone Taller - Tom Holt

   1987; 231 pages.  New Author? :Nos.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Norse Mythology; Satire.  Laurels: nominated for the 1991 Crawford Award.  Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

 

    It was nighttime, he was driving home on a dark country road, and the animal suddenly appeared in his headlights.  It was a badger and Malcolm had no choice but to run it over.  He probably killed it, but best to stop anyway and check for damage to the car.

 

    There was one small dent, which elicited a small “damn” from Malcolm’s mouth.  Then a voice said, “so how do you think I feel?”  Which was spooky because there was no one else around.

 

    Except the badger.

 

    Who was not really a badger, but Ingolf, the last of the Frost Giants, Master of the World, and who had just become mortally wounded, thanks to Malcolm’s unwitting help.

 

    Woohoo, Malcolm!  Thus far your life has been the epitome of mediocrity, but that’s about to change.  I wonder if this is the luckiest day of your life, or the unluckiest .

 

What’s To Like...

    Expecting Someone Taller was Tom Holt’s first humorous fantasy novel, preceded only by two contributions to E.F. Benson’s “Lucia” series.  It is based on Richard Wagner’s “Der Ring des Nibelungen”, a set of four operas, with tinges of Lord of the Rings and A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court thrown in for good measure, plus a ton of witty dialogue and dry humor.

 

    The protagonist is Malcolm Fisher, a very ordinary fellow who, via an ironic wrinkle at the hands of Fate, finds himself the new Master of the World.  He even inherits some neat artifacts – Wagner’s magical “Ring” and something called "the Tarnhelm", aka “the Helmet of Darkness”.  These give him some neat superpowers – he can make himself invisible, become a shape-shifter, transport himself anywhere, read other people’s thoughts, and communicate with birds.  Alas, he also inherits something called “The Curse of Alberich”, plus a bunch of new enemies, most of which are Norse deities.

 

    The title references Ingolf’s disappointment of being laid low by such an ordinary human.  For those of us who have never watched Wagner’s music dramas, the backstory to the Rings of the Nibelungs is given on pages 24-26.  Most of the characters with weird names, such as Albrich and Ortlinde, come from that opera, with a couple more, such as Wotan, from Norse mythology.

 

    The story is set in England, and since Tom Holt is a British author, it’s not surprising to find that the book is written in “English”, not “American”.  So things might be lacklustre or moulded and a cornet is an ice cream cone, not a musical instrument.  I knew about cheques, kerbs, Sellotape, and hoovering,  but horseboxes, trafficators, spongebags, and nobbling were all new to me.  So was a financé, although methinks that one was a typo.  There's also get a smattering of German vocabulary, and some neat-sounding places in England to visit, such as “Nether Stowey”.

 

    The ending is good, a bit anticlimactic, and yet totally unexpected.  To quote Thought and Memory, a pair of Wotan’s ravens: “Happy ending and all.”  Expecting Someone Taller is a standalone novel, all the plot threads get suitably resolved, and there's no need for a sequel.

 

Excerpts...

    ”I’d better get you to a hospital,” said Malcolm.

    “Don’t bother,” said the giant.  “Human medicine wouldn’t work on me anyway.  My heart is in my right foot, my spine is made of chalcedony, and my intestines are soluble in aspirin.  I’m a Giant, you see.  In fact I am – was – the last of the Giants.”

    The Giant paused, like a television personality stepping out into the street and waiting for the first stare of recognition.

    “How do you mean, Giant, exactly?  You’re very tall, but …”

    The Giant closed his eyes and moaned softly.  (pg. 4)

 

    “Just out of interest,” said Malcolm, “did you design the human race?”

    “Correct.  As I was saying…”

    “Ten out of ten for the Ears and Eyes,” said Malcolm, “the Feet and the waste disposal system not so hot.  Friday afternoon job, I always thought.”

    “You are thinking of the hardware, Mr. Fisher, which is the result of the evolutionary process, and for which I claim no credit or otherwise.  My work was entirely concerned with the software, what you would call the feelings and the emotions.”  (pg. 170)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Nobble (v.) : to try to influence or thwart someone by underhanded or unfair methods.

Others: Stemma (n.);  Cornet (n., food); Spongebag (n.); Trafficator (n.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.4*/5, based on 83 ratings.

    Goodreads: 3.82*/5, based on 4,064 ratings and 123 reviews.

 

Love, the songwriter says, is the sweetest thing, and too many sweet things can make you feel slightly sick.  (pg. 134 )

    It’s hard to find anything to nitpick about in Expecting Someone Taller.  The cusswords are few a far between; I counted only five over the first quarter of the book.  I don’t recall anything even remotely close to being R-rated.  This may not be Tom Holt’s finest novel, but it’s an impressive debut effort.  The worst I can say is, “the bird dies”.

 

    Overall, I enjoyed Expecting Someone Taller, but then again, I’m hooked on Tom Holt novels.  And in a bit of serendipity, I was pleasantly surprised this morning to find a slew of his e-books discounted at Amazon.  That is a rare event, and I took advantage of it by adding a couple of them to my Kindle – May Contain Traces of Magic and Nothing But Blue Skies.  Thank you, Mr. Holt, sir, for the discounts!

 

    7½ Stars.  Add 1 Star if you’re familiar with Der Ring des Nibelungen.  I'm not, and have no intention of ever being so, but I got the impression I was missing a lot of nuances in Expecting Someone Taller because of that.