When Elves Attack - Tim Dorsey

     2011; 192 pages.  Full Title: When Elves Attack: A Joyous Christmas Greeting from the Criminal Nutbars of the Sunshine State.  Book 14 (out of 26) in the Serge Storms series.  New Author? : No.  Genres: Florida Crime Noir; Dark Comedy; Stoner Humor; Beach Read.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    Deck the malls with bongs of folly!  Serge Storms, Florida’s resident vigilante psychopath, has come down with a bad case of Christmas spirit.  His pal Coleman is happy to go along with whatever plans Serge has as long as drugs and booze are included.

 

    Serge feels the holiday season is too stressful, and it’s time for everyone to chill out.  Shopping malls should be places to relax and mingle, and freeways should be bastions of courteous driving.  People should be building each other up, not tearing each other down.

 

    As always, Serge has a game plan.  It involves some wardrobe adjustments, bright shades of red and green, and pointy hats.

 

    Because what Christmas in Florida needs is more ELVES!!

 

What’s To Like...

   The main question to ask about When Elves Attack is whether Tim Dorsey can seamlessly blend a nutzo psychopathic protagonist into a Christmas-themed storyline.  I’m happy to report that the answer to that is “yes”.  Serge and Coleman don elf costumes and run around doing good deeds for others, at least within the confines of what Serge defines as “good”.

 

    The other side of the question is whether the story still retains enough sex and drugs and senseless violence to satisfy the faithful readers of Tim Dorsey's series.  Again, the answer is “yes”.  When Elves Attack has three instances of Serge’s innovative “vigilante justice”, which is about average for his novels.

 

    A bunch of recurring characters show up for the holiday festivities, including the G-Unit (one of them writes the prologue), and the sexy duo of City and Country (I still haven’t figured out which one’s the blonde), but sadly, neither any of the cops from earlier escapades (the police here are mostly mall cops), nor Johnny Vegas (who would only spoil the Christmas spirit) make an appearance.

 

    As always, the zany plotline zips along briskly, and there are a fair number of malefactors and grinches to pity as they cross paths with Serge.  As always, everything takes place in various locales in Florida: here we get to visit Tampa, Lakeland, and St. Pete Beach.  The title reference comes about a quarter of the way through the book, and absolutely no one will be surprised as to the identities of the “attacking elves”.

 

    I liked the Shirley Temple quote in the epigraph, and enjoyed learning the historical background to a small hamlet called Christmas, Florida. Yes, it really exists, and you can read about its name's origin in Wikipedia.  I chuckled at the “Yule Log” that was worked into the story, and thought some of the author’s views on the polarizing “War on Christmas” were spot on.

 

    The ending was a bit “tame” for a Serge Storms novel, but hey, some allowance has to be made for this being a Christmas-themed novel.  All the plot threads are tied up, the baddies are disposed of, and Serge and Coleman can settle in to wait for Santa, knowing that they’ve helped spread a bit of holiday cheer.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.5/5 based on 563 ratings and 276 reviews..

    Goodreads: 3.81/5 based on 2,731 ratings and 351 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    “Christmas should be about the innocence of children—and adults reverting to children to rediscover their innocence.  That’s why we’re in elf suits.  We’re taking Christmas back!”

    “So how do we spread this good cheer?”

    “Maybe by skipping.  Let’s try skipping.  You see someone skipping, and you wish wars would stop.  Children skip all the time, but you become an adult and forget to skip.  Let’s skip.”

    “Wait up!”  Coleman skipped alongside Serge.  “But I still don’t get this elf thing.  How can we be elves if the mall didn’t hire us?”

    “And that’s what everyone thinks.”  Serge skipped and waved at curious shoppers.  “But there’s no law that says you can’t just unilaterally decide to be an elf, buy a costume, and hit the mall.”  (loc. 464)

 

    “Did you take something again?”

    “Oh no, absolutely not,” said Coleman.  “No, no, no.  Yes, actually a lot.”

    “What did you take?”

    “Mistletoe.”

    Serge blinked hard.  “Mistletoe?”

    Coleman nodded, snatching at the air with his hand for a nonexistent glow bug.  “Mistletoe gets you high.”

    “But mistletoe’s poisonous,” said Serge.  “Extremely poisonous.  Severe gastrointestinal toxin, and a potentially life-threatening drop in pulse.  The hallucinations are just a side effect.”

    “Fair trade off.”  Coleman snatched the air again.  “Cool.”  (loc. 2049)

 

 Kindle Details…

    When Elves Attack currently sells for $13.99 at Amazon.  That seems a bit steep to me for a book that’s only half as long as a typical Serge Storms novel.  But hey, ‘tis the season to maximize profits.  The other books in the series range in price from $5.99 to $14.99.

 

“Please don’t judge all elves by this one incident.” (loc. 1589)

    The quibbles are the usual ones.  There’s some cussing (13 instances in the first 10%) and a couple of rolls-in-the-hay (mostly on the floor, actually), and lots of booze and drugs consumed, mostly by Coleman.  Serge’s methods of meting out judgment is not to everyone’s taste, although I always look forward to those inventive techniques he (Serge/Tim Dorsey) comes up with.

 

    I suppose my only real beef is with the brevity of the book, a mere 192 pages.  But somehow I get the feeling that when most authors sit down to pen a "Christmas edition" for their series, they typically shorten it to half the usual length and don’t use up any of their best ideas for the plotline.

 

    8 Stars.  When Elves Attack was my “Christmas read” for 2022, and to be honest, it entertained me from start to finish.  Serge and Coleman played the roles of sprightly old elves with enthusiasm and effectiveness.  Now I’ve got another 12 months to decide what my 2023 holiday book should be.

Gator a-Go-Go - Tim Dorsey

     2010; 337 pages.  Book 12 (out of 25) in the Serge Storms series.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Florida Crime Noir; Dark Comedy; Stoner Humor.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    “It’s the holidays!  Go out and buy lots of beer and ice, pack it all in the cooler, throw it and a couple changes of clothes in the back seat and hop in.  We’re driving to Florida!!”

 

    “Sounds great.  Where are we going to stay, and what are we going to do down there?”

 

    “We’ll find some cheap motel somewhere and cram in as many people as we can find.  It’ll cut down on expenses.  After that, it’s booze, bikinis, and bongs!”

 

    “Hmm.  I thought it would involve firecrackers, exchanging gifts, or snarfing down turkey.  Tell me again which holiday we’ll be celebrating.”

 

    The biggest one they have in Florida!  SPRING BREAK!!

 

What’s To Like...

   There are three main storylines to follow in Gator A-Go-Go: a.) Serge’s quest to chronicle the history of Florida's famed spring break, b.) a gang of professional killers plying their trade, and c.) a father and son in a federal witness protection program whose cover has been compromised.  It isn’t difficult to see how those last two plotlines converge, the challenge lies in guessing how Serge is going to get dragged into the mix.

 

    There are a lot of running gags in this series, including Coleman’s imparting of stoner knowledge to the huddled masses and his obsession with doing cannonballs in pools; the travails of Johnny Vegas, otherwise known as “the reluctant virgin”; and, most noteworthy of all, Serge’s sense of vigilante justice and innovative executions.  For those who eagerly follow that last one, I counted seven of them here.  Several recurring secondary characters show up to entertain us again, including Agent Mahoney; Serge’s sexy girlfriends: City and Country; and my favorites, the biker grannies, Edith, Eunice, Edna and, Ethel.

 

    We get to go on a nice tour of the Florida party beaches while learning the history of spring break there; presumably most of it was factual.  The story behind how Daytona Beach got its name was equally enlightening.  The excerpt from the children’s book that Serge is writing, called “Shrimp Boat Surprise” was surprisingly well-penned, as were his Christmas letter and his commencement speech at a local kindergarten class.

 

    I enjoyed Coleman’s contributions about proper partying, even if I already knew about the “designated decoy”, and the “Seventh Son of a Seventh Son”, the latter of which is verifiably true.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen Bella Abzug get mentioned, ditto for New Hampshire’s now-defunct “Old Man of the Mountain”, which I saw as a kid before it crumbled.  The chemistry nod (DMSO) was neat; so were the music references to Randy Newman, The Eagles, and one of my favorite groups, The Doors.

 

    Everything builds to a nicely-crafted ending.  You kind of know who’s going to be in the big showdown and how it will play out, but the fun’s in the details of Serge’s carefully-laid plans, parts of which go unexpectedly awry, which I always appreciate.

 

    The last chapter is essentially an epilogue focusing on a number of the secondary characters.  Gator a-Go-Go is both a standalone novel and part of a 25-book series.  I am not reading this series in order, but other than forgetting and having to get reacquainted with some of the recurring characters, I don’t feel like I’m missing much.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.6/5 based on 266 ratings.

    Goodreads: 4.13/5 based on 2,687 ratings and 215 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    “Are you ready?  Bet you can’t wait!  Knock-knock!  Hi.  I’m opportunity!”  Serge placed a pile of large, thick-stock white cards on the counter.  He flipped up the top one, covered with Magic Marker handwriting.

    NO SOLICITING.

    The clerk scratched his head.  “You’re soliciting to sell ‘No Soliciting’ signs?”

    “I know!  Can’t believe it hasn’t been thought of before: The perfect mix of product and presentation.  We came in here creating a problem and providing the solution.”  (loc. 304)

 

    “Unfortunately, my plan leaves us trapped without escape from Guillermo’s murderous retaliation.”

    “I usually prefer a way out of that.”

    “Most people do, which is why I added liquor to the Master Plan’s cocktail.  It simultaneously accomplishes both objectives: taking out the target and creating an escape clause.”

    “How does it do that?”

    “Through a potent mix of French cuisine and The Simpsons.”  (loc. 3139)

 

 

Kindle Details…

    Gator A-Go-Go sells for $6.99 at Amazon right now.  The other 24 books in the series range from $1.99 to $12.99, with the more recent ones generally having the higher prices.  I don’t think Tim Dorsey has written any other books, other than a short (96 pages) “Selected Articles and Essays” release titled Squall Lines, which will cost you $3.99.

 

“As the saying goes, the difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits.” (loc. 244)

    The quibbles are miniscule.  There’s a lot of cussing (22 instances in the first 10%), some adult situations (though nothing lewd), and tons and tons of drugs and booze.  If these things offend you, you probably will also be aghast at Serge’s vigilante acts.

 

    It’s also true that the stories in this series are formulaic.  Tim Dorsey may shuffle the Florida history lessons, the backgrounds of the perpetrators and their victims, and the places visited in the Sunshine State, but the template is the same: Serge gets obsessed with Florida, bad guys interfere with his obsession by threatening good folks, bad guys are disposed of in innovative ways, good folks rejoice.  Some of us happen to really like that formula.

 

    If there was any sort of tie-in between the story and the book’s title, I never noticed it.  And last and probably worst, someone really needs to update Tim Dorsey’s Wikipedia page.

 

    8 Stars.  Gator a-Go-Go is a fun, fast-paced, ideal beach read with lots of laughs, drugs, and violence, with little or nothing to be taken seriously.  I know what to expect from a Serge Storms novel, and yet again, was not in any way disappointed.

Fool - Christopher Moore

   2009; 305 pages.  Book 1 (out of 3) in the “Fool” series.  Full Title: Fool: A Novel.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Dark Comedy; Shakespearean Spoofery; Humor.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    Could there be anyone in the world more foolish than a king’s Royal Fool?  He even has to dress the part with that silly hat with little tinkle bells attached (it’s called a coxcomb) and carry around a jester’s scepter, a miniature mockery of the King’s royal wand, with a silly image of himself at the top.

 

    Welcome to Pocket’s world, and as far as he’s concerned that’s not a bad life.  He lives in the royal palace, is usually in the company of King Lear himself, is responsible for keeping everyone amused, and is allowed to make snarky gibes about any and all those around him.

 

    Admittedly, the job is risky.  Heap enough insults on some visiting noble, and the Fool runs the danger of being stabbed in a hallway or poisoned at a meal.  And of course, if the king finds your remarks slanderous instead of witty, your only choice may be decapitation or the hangman's noose.

 

    But Pocket is nobody’s fool (well yes, he is, the King’s, but bear with me), and nobody in the royal court views him as a threat.  Glib speech and persuasive reasoning will keep him out of trouble most of the time, and when it doesn’t, he can always play one highborn simpleton against another.

 

    As long as Pocket sticks to that strategy, there’s no telling what he can get away with.

 

What’s To Like...

    Fool is the opening book in Christopher Moore’s trilogy retelling the plays of Shakespeare, in this case being a satire of the bard's King Lear, and although I was forced to read a half-dozen or so of Shakespeare’s plays in high school, this wasn’t one of them.  I *thought* somebody got stabbed behind an arras and someone else threw themselves in a river and drowned in King Lear, but it turns out that was Hamlet.

 

    Thanks to Wikipedia, I can say that events in Fool follow the bard’s script fairly closely, even to the point of the Royal Fool being an important companion of King Lear.  But Christopher Moore tells to tale from Pocket’s point of view, adds a slew of new plot tangents, and rewrites the ending.  He also adds scenes, quotes, and characters from other Shakespearean plays, including my favorite trio: the three witches in Macbeth.  “Double double, toil and trouble”, and all that.

 

    The text contains both old English words and some modern Britishisms, but fear not, there are easy-to-use footnotes to enlighten you about these, bubbling over with Moore’s wit, and not to be skipped.  It is advisable to bookmark the “Cast of Characters” section at the very beginning; I referred to it a lot.

 

    The tale is told in the first-person POV – Pocket’s, of course.  The chapters are of moderate length: 25 of them covering 305 pages, for an average of about 12 pages per chapter, and grouped into five acts (same number as Shakespeare’s play had), plus a short Intermission.  I liked the nod to Druidism early in the book, and chuckled at the mention of the well-known Dr. Seuss children’s book, Green Eggs and Hamlet, with its famous soliloquy quote: “Green eggs, or not green eggs!”

 

    The ending is decent and logical, and similar to the way a Shakespearean tragedy finishes, albeit not particularly exciting or twisty, but that’s okay.  Everyone gets their just desserts (or “deserts”, let’s not argue the point), which for many of the characters means they die. The final act serves as an Epilogue, giving “whatever happened to” ends to various plot threads.  I’ve already read the sequel to this, The Serpent of Venice (reviewed here), and have the most recent (final?) book in the series, Shakespeare for Squirrels, waiting for me on my Kindle.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Boffnacity (n., made-up) : an expression of shagnatiousness (from the Latin “boffusnatious”).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.6*/5, based on 871 ratings.

    Goodreads: 3.96*/5, based on 52,606 ratings and 3,616 reviews

 

Excerpts...

    “Pocket, you have traveled the land, tell me, what is it like to be a peasant?”

    “Well, milady, I’ve never been a peasant, strictly speaking, but for the most part, I’m told it’s wake early, work hard, suffer hunger, catch the plague, and die.  Then get up the next morning and do it all again.”

    “Every day?”

    “Well, if you’re a Christian – on Sunday you get up early, go to church, suffer hunger until you have a big meal of barley and swill, then catch the plague and die.”  (loc. 1416)

 

    “Here to be murdered then, are you?”

    “Not immediately.  Uh, Edmund, if you don’t mind my saying, you’re being offputtingly pleasant today.”

    “Thank you.  I’ve adopted a strategy of pleasantness.  It turns out that one can perpetrate all manner of heinous villainy under a cloak of courtesy and good cheer.”  Edmund leaned over the desk now, as if to take me into his most intimate confidence.  “It seems a man will forfeit all sensible self-interest if he finds you affable enough to share your company over a flagon of ale.”

    “So you’re being pleasant?”

    “Yes.”  (loc. 2545)

 

Kindle Details…

    Right now, Fool costs $9.99 at Amazon.  The other two books in the series go for $7.49 (The Serpent of Venice) and $11.99 (Shakespeare for Squirrels).  Christopher Moore has about 15 other e-books to offer, most of which I’ve read; they’re priced in the range of $5.99-$13.99.

 

 

“My people burn a virgin every autumn – one can’t be too careful.”  (loc. 1265 )

    There’s not much to quibble about in Fool, although if you’re looking for a YA book suitable for little Tommy or Susie, this isn’t it.  Cusswords abound, particularly the F-bomb in all its varied usages.  There’s a rape, and a fair amount of violence, including a pair of eyes getting plucked out.  Although to be fair, that eye-gouging is also in Shakespeare’s version.

    Then there are the references to sex, oodles of them, although in most cases it is described in tasteful terms, and precisely what you’d expect from a court jester.  That seemed to be the number one complaint in the one-star reviews.  

    Last, and least, there were more typos than I’d expect in a book put out by a major publishing house (HarperCollins).  “Parsely” instead of “parsley”, “free lance” instead of “freelance”, and so forth.  It wasn’t excessive, but still, what do those professional editors get paid for?

 

    That’s about it.  In summary, if you’re looking for a well-written novel with interesting characters, an abundance of wit, no slow spots, and an adult target audience, any Christopher Moore novel is a great choice.  And if you’re in the mood for something with a Shakespearean twist, Fool is perfect for you.

 

    9 Stars.  One last note: there's a section at the end titled “You Cheeky Git – An Author’s Note”, wherein the author gives you some background to both Fool and King Lear.  The latter, it turns out, is based on a mostly-mythical figure in English history named King Leir, who, if he has any historical basis at all, lived around 400 BC.  Hats off to Shakespeare for plucking him out of the myths and plopping him into a medieval setting, and to Christopher Moore for spoofing him.