Brother Hermitage's Christmas Gift - Howard of Warwick

    2017; 128 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genre : Historical Satire; Christmas; Novella; Medieval Fiction.  Overall Rating: 8½*/10.

 

    December 25, 1066 CE is nigh!  It will be a day of celebration!

 

    Not only because it’s Christmas, or, as they called it back then: Christes Mass Day.  It’s also the day that Duke William of Normandy will be crowned the King of England.  That's William, the victor at the Battle of Hastings over King Harold of the Saxons.  That's the “late” King Harold.

 

    The Archbishop of Canterbury has instructed all abbeys in England to send emissaries bearing gifts to William.  It is prudent to get on the good side of the new ruler.

 

    For reasons best left untold, Abbot Athan, the head of the abbey at De’Ath’s Dingle, has chosen Brother Hermitage to attend the coronation.  Along with his wiseacre sidekick, Wat the Weaver.

 

    Have fun, Hermitage and Wat.  Paint smiles on your faces as you try to forget that you’re both Saxons, not Normans.

 

What’s To Like...

    Brother Hermitage’s Christmas Gift is a novella-length Christmas tale set in 11^th-century England, in the critical days when the Anglo-Saxon rulership ends and the Normans take over.  It has the same setting as Howard of Warwick’s Chronicles of Brother Hermitage series uses, although here the a trio of the recurring characters play a part.

 

    Unlike the regular books in the series, there is no murders or other crimes for Brother Hermitage to investigate.  Instead, the theme of the story is the nature of gift-giving.  Hermitage and Wat have polar-opposite views about that, and weeklong trek from De’Ath’s Dingle to London gives them ample time to debate it.  They also have to figure out what an appropriate gift the new king should be, and then find one, since they forgot to hit up Abbot Athan for one.

 

    I enjoyed tagging along on their 7-day journey.  Each night lodging and meals must be found, and they are introduced to some fascinating characters.  They also have to beware crossing paths with brigands and marauding Norman soldiers.  And, as is true of all books in this series, Howard of Warwick’s witty dialogue and dry humor is a royal treat.

 

    The story is written in English, not American, so you get weird spellings such as focussed, recognise, practise, and meagre.  But it wasn't distracting, and I always like reading in a foreign language.

 

    The ending is good, with a bit of excitement capping off an otherwise philosophical tale.  The gift-giving storyline has a moral to it, but it’s not what I was expecting.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.3/5 based on 448 ratings and 46 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.09/5 based on 190 ratings and 13 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    When established constructions, particularly old Roman ones, fell into disrepair the local folk would gather the fallen stones for their own homes.  De’Ath’s Dingle didn’t fall into disrepair, it jumped.  Local folks knew far better than to use material cast off by that place.  As the saying in those parts went: "The stones of De’Ath’s Dingle; for when the worst isn’t quite bad enough.”  (loc. 148)

 

    “So you expect us to travel to London in seven days?”

    “Correct.”

    “In the middle of winter, across a land not yet conquered and probably swarming with armed groups taking advantage of the chaos?”

    “That’s it.”

    “Two Saxons into an army of Normans celebrating their victory?”

    “You do ask a lot of questions.”

    “We’ll be killed.”  (loc. 276)

 

Kindle Details…

    Brother Hermitage’s Christmas Gift sells for $1.49 at Amazon right now.  It is related to Howard of Warwick’s popular Chronicles of Brother Hermitage series, which is up to 32 (soon to be 33) e-books.   The prices for those tales range from $2.99 to $4.99.

 

“Amanuesis?”  “A man who what?”  (loc. 579)

    There is zero profanity in Brother Hermitage’s Christmas Gift which seems appropriate for a Christmas story.  This is the fourth book I’ve read featuring Brother Hermitage, and so far, all of they’ve all been light on the cusswords.  I like it when an author is skilled enough to not have to overuse expletives to tell the story.

 

    For a change, the typos were also scarce.  One missing period, and one clunky wording (“Because it what…”) were all I noted.  The opening word in each chapter (chapters are called “caputs” here; and is that kewl, or what!) has an extra space in it, but I’m sure this was a formatting issue beyond the author’s control, not a typo.

 

    I can’t think of anything else to grouse about.  Brother Hermitage’s Christmas Gift was a delight to read from beginning to end, and exactly what I look for in a Christes Mass story: short and sweet, and thoughtfully upbeat.

 

    8½ Stars.  One last thing.  If you’re new to this series, you should know that Wat the Weaver is renowned for his “sophisticated” tapestries.  Quite a few of the characters here are well acquainted with his masterpieces.  Unfortunately, his craftwork probably is not appropriate as a public gift to a newly crowned monarch.

The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse - Tom Holt

   2023; 303 pages.  Book 8 (out of 8) in the “J.W. Wells & Co.” series.  New Author? :No.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Christmas Tie-In; Mythology.  Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

 

    The end of the world is nigh!  We’re all going to die the same way the dinosaurs did—by having a big asteroid smashing into, and obliterating, planet Earth.

 

    Well, there are a few differences.  This asteroid is being steered by a Mesopotamian goddess who was locked inside it a couple of millennia ago.  Her name is Tiamat, and she’s divorced, mad as heck, and living up to her nickname “the Destroyer”.

 

    Maybe we should fly up to the asteroid in a rocket, unlock the door to her enclosure, get her out, and change the path of the asteroid.  Too bad nobody knows where the key to that cell door is anymore.  Okay then, maybe we can get her ex- to talk to her and persuade her to alter course.

 

    Or not.  For starters we don’t know who her ex- is and where he might be, and chances are a conversation between him and Taimat will just enrage her further.

 

What’s To Like...

    The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse is the latest absurdist fantasy novel from Tom Holt wherein equal parts of Doomsday dread and office politics are combined with a healthy dose of Holt’s trademark wry British humour.  It is also a return, after a 12-year hiatus, to his “J.W. Wells & Co.” series, which features a firm whose clients and employees are mostly of the magical ilk.  Here, though, the focus is on a rival company of JWW&C., Dawson, Ahriman, and Dawson, and their team of Thaumaturgical & Metaphysical Engineers.

 

   We follow the efforts and wiles of several DA&D employees, some in Upper Management, others further down the corporate ladder, including an intern and a receptionist.  That might sound boring, but corporate subterfuges abound and it turns out a lot DA&D’s workforce are out-of-work deities (shades of Neil Gaiman's American Gods and Marie Phillips' Gods Behaving Badly!) just hanging out until they can find another world to reign over.  It was fun trying to figure out Who was masquerading as whom in the god/human charade.

 

    As usual, Tom Holt weaves a plethora of plotlines into the tale to keep things interesting.  These include a mysterious gray polymer package, a photobomb fanatic, missing paintings, and whether a jolly fellow named Nick will find gainful employment again.  You’ll also play the Riddle Game with a Gollum-like character, desperately look for a “Get Out of Death Free” card, and dream of acquiring a Bottomless Purse.

 

    You might think a killer asteroid is easy to fix for a bunch of out-of-work gods, but they waver between apathy (“We’re immortal.  We’ll survive anything.”) and angst (Ye gods!  There’ll be no one left to worship us!).  Everything builds to a pleasingly absurd ending, with a pleasingly overlooked character stepping up to save the day.  Things close with what appears to be a teaser for a sequel.  I for one certainly hope Tom Holt is working on one.

 

Excerpts...

    ”There is no—”  Mr. Teasdale froze, as thirty years of sincere trusting disbelief crashed round his ears like a Philistine temple.  “There really is a Santa Claus?”

    “Yup.  As a matter of fact, he was in my office only the other day,  Nice chap, but a bit scary.”

    “Are you sure?”

    The look on Mr. Teasdale’s face.  Half an hour ago, Mr. Dawson was pretty sure he’d never laugh again.  It was nice to find out he’d been wrong.  “Sure I’m sure,” he said.  “The man himself.  Even came down the chimney.”

    “We haven’t got a chimney.”

    “I know.”  (loc. 1860)

 

    “You were going too fast,” the spokeswoman interpreted.  “Showing off.  Probably texting.  And now look what you’ve done.”

    The spokeswoman had a high, shrill voice and plenty of it, but the pilot couldn’t help noticing she was kinda cute, if you like ‘em green and frondy.  “Jump-started evolution on your world, by the looks of it,” he said.  “Hey, get a load of that Woodlice.”  And the morning and the evening, incidentally, were the fifth day.”

    “Yuk,” said the spokeswoman firmly.  “Creepy-crawlies.”

    “True,” conceded the pilot.  “Although give ‘em a day or so and they’ll be yay high, walking on their hind legs and discovering the Higgs boson.  Still, you’re probably right.  I can do you a quick flood and everything’ll be jake.”  (loc. 2184)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Gubbins (v.) : gadgets; gadgetry. (British).

Others: Insuperable (adj.);  Qurutob (n., food); Yonks (n.); Punters (n.; I never did figure out the connotation of this word.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.3*/5, based on 97 ratings and 9 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.05*/5, based on 98 ratings and 34 reviews.

 

Kindle Details…

    The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse costs $9.99 at Amazon right now, which is a pretty good deal for a recent release.  Tom Holt has a slew of other e-books for your Kindle; they range in price from $2.99 to $9.99.  Be aware that Amazon discounts of Tom Holt novels are few and far between.

 

Oh what fun it isn’t to ride on a nine-reindeer, open-topped, dangerously overcrowded faster-than-light sleigh.  (loc. 3720)

    I’m a Holt-aholic, so it’s not surprising that I can’t find much to quibble about in The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse.  I counted 26 cusswords in the first 20% of the book, which is about average for Mr. Holt.  Eight of those were f-bombs though.  The editing is good; I noted only two typos: He/The and amd/and.

 

    Some reviewers didn’t like the abundance of plot threads.  That’s understandable, but that’s the norm for a Tom Holt novel.  It keeps the reader keeps wondering how all of those tangents will figure into the storyline, and whether they can possibly be tied up coherently.  Somehow Tom Holt succeeds in doing so every time.

 

    I guess my only beef is with the title’s implied Christmas tie-in.  Yes, there’s a short guy in a red suit whose name is Nick.  But he doesn’t live at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus and a bunch of elves.  Also, the eponymous eight reindeer don’t enter into the tale until 85%-Kindle, and it’s really only a cameo appearance.  True, the book is divided into 8 chapters, and each chapter title is given a reindeer name, but those titles have nothing to do with the chapter’s contents.

 

    Overall, I think The Eight Reindeer of the Apocalypse is another fine tale by Tom Holt.  The wit and absurdities are still there, so are the subtle insights into not-so-subtle topics, including in this case, the practice of worshipping deities.  This is the author's 36^th novel, if I counted correctly at Wikipedia, and he’s been putting them out since 1987.  Here’s hoping he’s still got a bunch more stories to share.

 

    8½ Stars.  One last thing.  What can you create with the following items: a cinema ticket, a packet of Oreos, a zippo lighter, a rubber band, and a tuning fork?  The fate of the planet depends on you solving this!

The Holiday Collection - The Eclective

   2011; 142 pages.  New Authors? : For the most part, no.  Genres: Anthology; Christmas Fiction; Short Stories.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

   Nine talented indie authors were tasked with writing a short story with a  "December Holiday” theme.  For the most part that means Christmas, but it could also apply to Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and even the Winter Solstice.

 

    I doubt the authors were given any other guidelines.  The length of a short story is ill-defined, and here the longest one is just over 30 pages, while the shortest ones are a mere seven pages or so.  Two of the tales are written from the first-person point of view, the rest are in the third-person.  Each of the tales has at least one twist in it to keep the reader entertained.

 

    At 142 pages (so sez my Kindle), The Holiday Collection is a quick and easy read.  So if you’re looking for a bunch of fast-moving festive tales, this book may just be your cup of eggnog.

 

What’s To Like...

    The titles of the nine stories (and authors) in The Holiday Collection are:

  1.) St. Claws – Alan Nayes

  2.) Snow Whisperers – Lizzy Ford

  3.) Saving Grace – Julia Crane

  4.) O Christmas Cactus, O Christmas Cactus – M. Edward McNally

  5.) Fred’s Best Christmas – P.J. Jones

  6.) Fresh Snow – Talia Jager

  7.) Let’s Ride – Shéa MacLeod

  8.) A Very Shero Christmas – Jack Wallen

  9.) The Darkest Night – Heather Marie Adkins

 

    There’s a decent amount of variety to the tones of these stories, which was a welcome respite from the slew of Hallmark Christmas Movies my wife watches every December.  A couple of the tales have a somewhat “dark” tint to them, which in no way detracts from their holiday themes.  Among the others, one has a  romance theme, three felt “warm-&-fuzzy” to me, one left a lump in my throat, one was a innovative take-off of  A Christmas Carol, and one , believe it or not, was a sci-fi thriller.  My favorites were 2, 4, 5, and 9; but honestly, I enjoyed them all.  Your faves will almost certainly be different.

 

    You’ll meet some cross-dressers, empaths, talking snowmen, and a Jedi knight along the way.  You can help celebrate the Winter Solstice, see auras, and help thwart a “hit” that’s been put on Santa.  I only recall one music nod – to Katy Perry of all people.  There’s a brief author’s bio at the end of each story, and I liked those.  

 

    O Christmas Cactus, O Christmas Cactus resonated with me because it’s set in my present environs.  Phoenix's Sky Harbor Airport (from which you get a lovely view of the harbor as you land) really is a rat’s maze to get out of.  And if the protagonist has trouble visualizing the famed Camelback Mountain nearby, he’ll have an even tougher time seeing the lesser-known “Monk of the Mountain” on the northern part of the camel’s head, who once a time, on a psychedelic night, turned his head and stared threateningly at me.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Blahniks (n., plural) : a high-end shoe brand.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  3.4/5 based on 32 ratings.

    Goodreads: 3.70/5 based on 125 ratings and 11 reviews

 

Excerpts...

    He watched the big man open a refrig and pull out a cold beer and pop the top.

    “How’d you know my name?” Matt asked.

    “I know everybody that comes to St. Claws.  I’m the town’s founder.”

    “Whoopee-do.  Everybody?”

    “Yup.”  He poured a double shot from the Patron bottle.

    “My wife and boy?”

    “Jenny and Billy.”

    Matt eyed the man suspiciously.  “This is getting weird.  Where’s my tequila?”  (loc. 309)

 

    Garth Vader, Intergalactic Ambassador and Jedi Knight, walked up to them, carrying his tinfoil lightsaber in one hand and a carton of orange juice in the other.  Garth’s few strands of graying hair were gelled back and he’d even shaved his scraggly beard.

    Garth’s gaze swept over the room as patients quietly opened stockings and stuffed their faces with candy.  “I sense a change in The Force.”  (loc. 1086)

 Kindle Details…

    ANAICT, The Holiday Collective is always free at Amazon.  The Eclective has five other short story anthologies available for your Kindle, with the labels Celtic, Pride, the Apocalypse, Haunted, and Halloween.  All of those are likewise free right now.

Her boyfriend of two years had just given her the “it’s not you, it’s me … and my new girlfriend” speech, two days before Christmas.  (loc. 522)

    There’s not much to quibble about in The Holiday Collection.  Most of the stories have a small amount of cussing in them, which might come as a surprise for a Christmas-themed anthology.  One tale was cussword-free, while three others had more than fifteen instances apiece.  I don’t recall any R-rated stuff besides that.

 

    The editing was overall quite good, with most of the errors occurring in just one of the tales.  This makes me believe that each contributing author was responsible for his/her own proofreading.  Most anthologies have an editor-in-chief, and I wonder if that would have been helpful here.  One other author seemed to have trouble with the use of commas when dialogue is directed to a specified person; sometimes it was done correctly, sometimes not.

 

    All in all, The Holiday Collection was a short but pleasant read.  I’ve read other stories by most of these writers, and so the polished storytelling was not unexpected.  Kindle gives an estimated reading time of 2 hours and 48 minutes, although as usual, I broke that up into four or five nights to prolong the fun.

 

    8 Stars.  Sadly, it appears that The Eclective, aka The Indie Eclective has been mothballed.  They put out these six anthologies in 2011-12, but none since.  One of the authors, Heather Marie Adkins, put out three more anthologies, apparently all Wiccan-oriented, in 2016-18, but I don’t see any more of those after that.  I'm guessing that the career path of an independent author is a tough road to travel.

The Management Style of the Supreme Beings - Tom Holt

   2017; 369 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genre : Humorous Fantasy; Satire; Christmas.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

    It must be great to be a god.  You live forever.  You have your own world to oversee.  You get to do things like perform miracles for your adoring little humans, monitor the whereabouts of every sparrow in your domain, and count the hairs on everybody’s head.  And you get to do this forever.

    But what if all that god-work gets old?  Can a Supreme Being just up and retire?  Take off with his son and go fishing on some faraway world like Sinteraan, where even the smallest fish are ninety feet long and weigh a quarter of a ton?

        It must be okay since he’s a god and everyone knows that gods can’t make mistakes, can they?  The humans will be well taken care of; just sell the terrestrial franchise to some other venture capitalist deities, and they can run the world as they see fit.  Oh, and there’s no need to tell any prospective buyer about that one old, elusive, primeval thunder god who’s living somewhere up around the North Pole.  Nobody believes in him anymore, anyway.

    Ho. Ho. Ho.

What’s To Like...

    The overall storyline of The Management Style of the Supreme Beings is readily apparent: Earth finds itself under new spiritual ownership, the rules of conduct have changed, and whatcha gonna do about it?  The fun is trying to figure out how the various subplots will somehow merge into a plausible ending.  Dad and Jay retire and go fishing.  Jersey (a grave robber) and Lucy (a heavenly emergency helpline receptionist) meet up on Earth.  So do their Flipside counterparts, Bernie and Jenny.  Kevin, Dad’s less-favored “other” son, eschews the fishing invitation and journeys to Earth to figure out his destiny.  And nobody know who that north pole Merry Prankster is, where he’s at, or what he’s up to.

    Tom Holt is London-born, hence the book is written in English, not American.  Thus you may be a cissy munching on a Weetabix (I had to Wiki that), or have a coloured chequebook.  There are some great-but-really-obscure references, such as Nigella Lawson, and the Lawrence Oates’s farewell Antarctic quote: ”I’m going outside now.  I may be gone for some time.”  And I liked the nods to the not-so-obscure Vivaldi and Salvador Dali watches.  The pseudo-cussword “usdamn” was clever; so were the mathematical thweeps and sningies.

        There are a bunch of otherworldly creatures to meet and cope with.  They might even outnumber the human characters, and include everything from Archangels to Flipsiders, from goblins to Martians, and from the squishies to the inscrutable Dao Wei-qiang, who will lend you money at unbelievable interest rates.

    The mayhem and wit are as always superbly entertaining, but beneath all the hijinks Tom Holt poses a subtle theological question:  What would happen if issues like right/wrong and heaven/hell were phased out of our lives?  Would we be better off or worse?  Happier or sadder?

    The ending is done in the usual Tom Holt manner.  All the subplots are deftly brought together and tied up.  It may not be the most exciting ending ever, but that's okay, it's extremely clever.

Kewlest New Word. . .

Pulled a face (v., phrase) : showed a feeling such as dislike or disgust by contorting one’s face.

Others: Serried (adj.).

Excerpts...

    “It’s called an eclipse.”

    “A what?”

    “It’s a natural phenomenon,” Lucy said.  “It happens from time to time when the Earth’s orbit round the sun happens to coincide-“

    “No, no, you stupid child, you’ve got it all wrong.  The sun orbits round the Earth.  Everybody knows that.”

    Lucy sighed, but not into the mouthpiece.  “Silly me,” she said.  “Yes, of course it does.  What you’re experiencing is a minor exhibition of divine displeasure, caused by someone in your community committing one or more abominations unto the Lord.  You can fix it yourself quite easily by sacrificing a goat and rooting out the evildoers among you.”  (pg. 40)

    “You have the right to remain silent, but anything you do say will be taken down in analog form and cynically twisted to mean what we want it to.  You have a right to an attorney, but trust me, you’re in enough trouble already without getting involved with one of those bloodsuckers.  Now, please indicate that you understand what I’ve just told you by saying the word guilty.”

    “Huh?”

    “Close enough.”  (pg. 214)

Bother, he thought, or a monosyllable to that effect.  (pg. 319)

    The Management Style of the Supreme Beings contains a small amount of cussing; this is normal for a Tom Holt book.  It’s not overdone and I thought it fit in well with the tone of the story.  You should also know that is a religious satire; if you’re a thin-skinned Trinitarian, you probably should give this book a pass.

    This is Tom Holt’s 34^th (if I counted correctly) Humorous Fantasy novel.  I think it is a solid effort and a fresh departure from his previous four books, which were all YouSpace-themed.  We shall see if this is the start of another subseries.

    8 Stars.  I'm claiming The Management Style of the Supreme Beings as my 2019 "Christmas read".  Full disclosure:  I didn't know the guy with the flying reindeer was in the book when I borrowed it from my local library.  I got it mostly because I'm a huge Tom Holt fan.

Claus : Legend of the Fat Man - Tony Bertauski

    2012; 327 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genre : Christmas Fantasy.  Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

    It’s 1820, and Nicholas Santa has set out to achieve his life’s goal – to reach the North Pole.  His wife (Jessica) and son (Jon) are with him on his quest.  But none of them are experienced explorers, and they’re not well-equipped for an Arctic trek.  They’ll probably die, but at least they’ll die together.

    Unfortunately, when Nicolas falls down a deep, Wonderlandish hole during a blizzard, and his wife and son are carried away by the gale-force wind, it seems more likely they’ll just die separately.

What’s To Like...
    Despite that rather somber summary, Claus : Legend of the Fat Man has a feel more like a fairytale, albeit an epic one.  Tony Bertauski deftly blends in a number of holiday characters – Frosty the Snowman, elves, The Night Before Christmas story, Jack Frost, and Rudolph and the rest of the reindeer.  The latter don’t really fly, they’ve been bio-engineered to be able to leap hundreds of miles at a time.  Nicholas Santa and Claus are two separate beings.  Half the fun of the book is trying to figure out how that will resolve itself.

    The pacing is brisk, the chapters are short, and the story doesn’t get bogged down with excessive descriptiveness. The characters aren’t deep, but they are entertaining.  Even the bad guy has a certain charm about him.  The author has fun with fonts and font sizes, which I found amusingly neat.

    But there is also a darker edge to the story.  This may be a “once upon a time” tale, but the bad guy was made, not born, that way; and he is not to be trifled with.

Excerpts...
    “There you go again!”  The fat man threw his hands up.  “That’s the problem with you warmbloods, you’re always complicating things with thinking, thinking, thinking!  You’ve got reality covered in layers of thought, how do you even tie your shoes?  Just be present, just be here, AND STOP WITH THE MONKEY MIND!”  (loc. 832)

    “He’s not real,” Jon muttered.  “It’s just an illusion.”
    “He’s as real as you and me.”
    “He’s made of snow, Tinsel.  That’s not blood and bone.”
    “Is that what makes someone real, blood and bone?  A body?  Please, Jon.  You’re not your body any more than Frosty is snow and ice.”  (loc. 2090)

Kindle Details...
    Claus : Legend of the Fat Man sells for $2.99 at Amazon.  Tony Bertauski offers nine other e-books, all presumably of the fantasy genre, ranging in price from free to $2.99.

“The North Pole is not a place, the natives said.  It is not land.  It is ice.”  (loc. 240)
    CLotFM is another one of those YA stories that adults will enjoy too.  There’s no sex and I don’t recall any cuss words.  There’s a hint of romance and a tinge of science (e.g. : helium-filled bladders in the chests of the reindeer so they can "fly").  There are a couple fatalities, but they occur offstage.

    I found this book to be festively twisted, just right for the Holiday season.  7½ Stars.  Add another star if The Grinch Who Stole Christmas is your kind of Yule story.