Expecting Someone Taller - Tom Holt

   1987; 231 pages.  New Author? :Nos.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Norse Mythology; Satire.  Laurels: nominated for the 1991 Crawford Award.  Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

 

    It was nighttime, he was driving home on a dark country road, and the animal suddenly appeared in his headlights.  It was a badger and Malcolm had no choice but to run it over.  He probably killed it, but best to stop anyway and check for damage to the car.

 

    There was one small dent, which elicited a small “damn” from Malcolm’s mouth.  Then a voice said, “so how do you think I feel?”  Which was spooky because there was no one else around.

 

    Except the badger.

 

    Who was not really a badger, but Ingolf, the last of the Frost Giants, Master of the World, and who had just become mortally wounded, thanks to Malcolm’s unwitting help.

 

    Woohoo, Malcolm!  Thus far your life has been the epitome of mediocrity, but that’s about to change.  I wonder if this is the luckiest day of your life, or the unluckiest .

 

What’s To Like...

    Expecting Someone Taller was Tom Holt’s first humorous fantasy novel, preceded only by two contributions to E.F. Benson’s “Lucia” series.  It is based on Richard Wagner’s “Der Ring des Nibelungen”, a set of four operas, with tinges of Lord of the Rings and A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court thrown in for good measure, plus a ton of witty dialogue and dry humor.

 

    The protagonist is Malcolm Fisher, a very ordinary fellow who, via an ironic wrinkle at the hands of Fate, finds himself the new Master of the World.  He even inherits some neat artifacts – Wagner’s magical “Ring” and something called "the Tarnhelm", aka “the Helmet of Darkness”.  These give him some neat superpowers – he can make himself invisible, become a shape-shifter, transport himself anywhere, read other people’s thoughts, and communicate with birds.  Alas, he also inherits something called “The Curse of Alberich”, plus a bunch of new enemies, most of which are Norse deities.

 

    The title references Ingolf’s disappointment of being laid low by such an ordinary human.  For those of us who have never watched Wagner’s music dramas, the backstory to the Rings of the Nibelungs is given on pages 24-26.  Most of the characters with weird names, such as Albrich and Ortlinde, come from that opera, with a couple more, such as Wotan, from Norse mythology.

 

    The story is set in England, and since Tom Holt is a British author, it’s not surprising to find that the book is written in “English”, not “American”.  So things might be lacklustre or moulded and a cornet is an ice cream cone, not a musical instrument.  I knew about cheques, kerbs, Sellotape, and hoovering,  but horseboxes, trafficators, spongebags, and nobbling were all new to me.  So was a financé, although methinks that one was a typo.  There's also get a smattering of German vocabulary, and some neat-sounding places in England to visit, such as “Nether Stowey”.

 

    The ending is good, a bit anticlimactic, and yet totally unexpected.  To quote Thought and Memory, a pair of Wotan’s ravens: “Happy ending and all.”  Expecting Someone Taller is a standalone novel, all the plot threads get suitably resolved, and there's no need for a sequel.

 

Excerpts...

    ”I’d better get you to a hospital,” said Malcolm.

    “Don’t bother,” said the giant.  “Human medicine wouldn’t work on me anyway.  My heart is in my right foot, my spine is made of chalcedony, and my intestines are soluble in aspirin.  I’m a Giant, you see.  In fact I am – was – the last of the Giants.”

    The Giant paused, like a television personality stepping out into the street and waiting for the first stare of recognition.

    “How do you mean, Giant, exactly?  You’re very tall, but …”

    The Giant closed his eyes and moaned softly.  (pg. 4)

 

    “Just out of interest,” said Malcolm, “did you design the human race?”

    “Correct.  As I was saying…”

    “Ten out of ten for the Ears and Eyes,” said Malcolm, “the Feet and the waste disposal system not so hot.  Friday afternoon job, I always thought.”

    “You are thinking of the hardware, Mr. Fisher, which is the result of the evolutionary process, and for which I claim no credit or otherwise.  My work was entirely concerned with the software, what you would call the feelings and the emotions.”  (pg. 170)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Nobble (v.) : to try to influence or thwart someone by underhanded or unfair methods.

Others: Stemma (n.);  Cornet (n., food); Spongebag (n.); Trafficator (n.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.4*/5, based on 83 ratings.

    Goodreads: 3.82*/5, based on 4,064 ratings and 123 reviews.

 

Love, the songwriter says, is the sweetest thing, and too many sweet things can make you feel slightly sick.  (pg. 134 )

    It’s hard to find anything to nitpick about in Expecting Someone Taller.  The cusswords are few a far between; I counted only five over the first quarter of the book.  I don’t recall anything even remotely close to being R-rated.  This may not be Tom Holt’s finest novel, but it’s an impressive debut effort.  The worst I can say is, “the bird dies”.

 

    Overall, I enjoyed Expecting Someone Taller, but then again, I’m hooked on Tom Holt novels.  And in a bit of serendipity, I was pleasantly surprised this morning to find a slew of his e-books discounted at Amazon.  That is a rare event, and I took advantage of it by adding a couple of them to my Kindle – May Contain Traces of Magic and Nothing But Blue Skies.  Thank you, Mr. Holt, sir, for the discounts!

 

    7½ Stars.  Add 1 Star if you’re familiar with Der Ring des Nibelungen.  I'm not, and have no intention of ever being so, but I got the impression I was missing a lot of nuances in Expecting Someone Taller because of that.