Call Me A Cab - Donald E. Westlake

   2022 (but written in 1977/78); 244 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Humorous Fiction; Satire; Romantic Satire.  Overall Rating: 7½*/10.

 

    For New York City Checker Cab driver, Thomas Fletcher, it was a good fare.  Not only was the run from East 62^nd Street to Kennedy airport a long and lucrative one, but the woman who had just sat down in the back seat of his cab looked pleasant in his rearview mirror.

 

    She was, however, a little bit weird.  She spent much of the ride muttering to herself, and kept putting up both hands to the sides of her face, like blinkers on a horse.  A troubled soul, perhaps, or maybe even a suicidal one.  Maybe it would be prudent to make some small talk with her.

 

    Not to worry, though.  It turns out she’s on her way to Los Angeles to get married and she’s having second thoughts about the whole thing.  She’s got five hours on the NYC-to-LA flight to sort things out in her head.

 

    That isn’t enough time to make an important decision.  It calls for a change in plans.  Instead of taking her to the airport, the woman requests Thomas to take her to Los Angeles.  In his cab.

 

    I wonder how Thomas is going to calculate the cab fare for this job now.

 

What’s To Like...

    The plotline in Call Me A Cab is easily described: We ride along with the cabbie, Tom, and his fare, Katherine, on their cross-country jaunt.  The former is divorced, stuck in a mind-numbing job (and that only because his dad owns a Checker cab franchise), and pragmatic.  The latter is single and well-to-do (she’d better be, she’s paying for this coast-to-coast cab ride), with a successful career as a landscape architect, and nervously idealistic.

 

    The story is told from a first-person POV (Tom’s) and our two protagonists engage in discussions that are both insightful and witty.  Beneath the banter, though, Donald Westlake gives some enlightened views on feminism.  They might be pretty normal in today’s world, but in 1977, when Westlake was writing this book, they were cutting edge.  One example: a headwaiter who simply can’t bring himself to present the bill for a meal-for-two to the woman at the table.

 

    Needless to say, there aren’t a lot of characters to keep track of, just Tom, Katherine, and her beau that’s eagerly awaiting her arrival in Los Angeles, a successful plastic surgeon named Barry.  I thought the descriptions of the countryside the cab passes through along the way was a charming bit of Americana.

 

    Equally charming was the step back into time, with things like phone booths, smoking in restaurants, roadmaps, Stuckey’s, a towing fee of only $65, 25-cent jukeboxes, and “dry” spots in the Midwest (counties where you couldn’t buy alcohol legally).  I enjoyed meeting Boyd and Laura Chasen, and chuckled at Tom’s attempts to learn chess from Katherine.  Hey, Tom, you’re first clue that she was good at chess was the fact that she carries a “travel set” with her on trips.  Your second clue was when she announced “mate in three”.

 

    The ending is satisfying and hopeful, albeit not particularly exciting.  I wouldn’t call it “twisty” either, although I have to admit things didn’t close the way I expected.  Call Me A Cab is a standalone novel, and not part of any of Westlake’s series.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.4*/5, based on 154 ratings and 15 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.96*/5, based on 313 ratings and 64 reviews

 

Excerpts...

    “It’s about getting married.”

    “Married?”  I don’t believe in marriage.  “Good luck,” I said, and some irony may have crept into my voice.

    “It isn’t right,” she said.  “I just keep turning the poor guy down.”

    “Maybe he’s the wrong guy.”

    “He’s the right guy,” she insisted.  “He’s sweet and understanding, he’s handsome and rich, he loves me and I love him— what more could I possibly want?”

    “Thursdays off?”  (loc. 151)

 

    “My car quit.  I think it’s the starter.”

    “Does it go gruh-gruh-gruh?”  The sound he made was uncannily like a car when the battery is low.

    “No,” I said.  “It goes click.”

    “Sounds like the starter,” he admitted.  “For openers, you’re gonna need a tow.”

    “For starters,” I punned.  Or tried to.  (loc. 1980)

 

Kindle Details…

    Call Me A Cab sells for $8.99 right now at Amazon.  There are dozens of Donald E. Westlake e-books available at Amazon; they range in price from $1.99 to $14.99.  If you’ve never read any Donald Westlake novels, a good place to start is anything from his Dortmunder series.

 

“Don’t laugh, this is serious.  We may have started a new religion.”  (loc. 1916)

    There’s not much cussing in Call Me A Cab.  I noted only 19 instances in the entire book, with only one of those an f-bomb.  There’s one roll-in-the-hay, but the participants are not the pair you’d think it would be.

 

    A bigger problem for most readers is what isn’t in the book.  Those who are already acquainted with Donald Westlake’s stories, such as the Dortmunder series, might be disappointed to find no crimes occur here.  And readers new to Westlake may be bored by the lack of any thrills-and-spills in the storyline.

 

    Those concerns have merit, but fortunately Donald Westlake’s storytelling skills save the day.  Call Me A Cab was a quick and easy read, and held my interest from start to finish.  It may be a bit short on the excitement, but when it comes to personal interactions and well-written drama, it shines.

 

    7½ Stars.  Call Me A Cab was written in 1977-78, but wasn’t published until 2022, 14 years after Donald Westlake passed away.  Kudos to publisher Charles Ardai at Hard Case Crime for developing this manuscript into a full-length book (it previously appeared in a shortened version in Redbook magazine) and sharing this lost gem with the public.

Dancing Aztecs - Donald E. Westlake

   1976; 350 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Crime Fiction; Comedic Mystery.  Overall Rating : 9½*/10.

 

    It's a brilliant scam.  A New York City museum is willing to pay a million dollars for the famous “Dancing Aztec Priest”, an ancient figurine made of solid gold with emeralds for eyes (see the book cover image).

 

    Unfortunately, it presently resides in the dirt-poor South American nation called Descalzo, where the people revere it, pray to it, and are unlikely to give it up for any price.  But couldn't a skilled sculptor create a cheap plaster lookalike, and switch it out?  The only challenge then would be getting it through customs when shipping it into the United States.  And that’s where the brilliancy comes in.

 

    Why not make a bunch of lookalikes, put them in crates bound to NYC, mark the crate that has the real Dancing Aztec in it, and pay some airport hustler with access to the JFK airport tarmac to steal the designated crate before it goes through customs inspection?

 

    Finding such a hustler is easy, it’s our protagonist, Jerry Manelli, who's already doing a profitable business stealing small amounts of baggage on a regular basis at JFK.  Just have someone call him from Descalzo when the plane leaves there and tell him the million-dollar figurine is in “Crate E”.

 

    Funny thing though.  The first five letters of the Spanish alphabet are pronounced “ah”, “bay”, “say”, “day”, “ay”.  So when the native Descalzan tells the Jerry to swipe “Box ay”, guess which one he grabs?  Oopsie.  Someone else is going to get the real statuette, not realizing how much it’s really worth.

 

What’s To Like...

    Dancing Aztecs chronicles the madcap antics that ensue after the scammers become aware of the mix-up described above.  As luck would have it, the rest of the Dancing Aztecs, sixteen in all, were then all given out as “thank-you mementos” at an awards banquet given by a group called the Open Sports Committee.  That means the sixteen trophies went sixteen separate ways to people scattered all over the greater New York City area.  Good luck finding the right Aztec.

 

    Things rapidly get more complicated.  The bad guys go chasing the statues.  Our hustler-hero figures out why the baddies wanted him to hijack the special crate and he forms his own team to track down the statues.  Some of the sixteen recipients also wise up and work together to do the same, including one who even teams up with his wife’s paramour.  The baddies in Descalzo start their own caper and they have the added challenge of hijacking an airplane to get to the US, then somehow evading arrest.

 

    All this probably sounds confusing, but somehow Donald E. Westlake’s storytelling makes everything easy to follow.  It helps that he includes a handy Cast-of-Characters at the very beginning, warns you any time the storyline goes non-linear (which happens a lot), and keeps the settings limited to the NYC area, Descalzo, and a brief side trip to Pennsylvania.

 

    Weirdly, the book doesn’t have chapters, Westlake simply adds a brief header (such as: “in the beginning…”, “prior to which…”, that night…”, some time earlier…”) which lets you know you’re heading into a new section of the tale.

 

    I chuckled at the national drink of Descalzo: something called “gluppe”, which is made by fermenting rotting yam skins and lima-bean stalks.  Westlake gives us a nice “feel” for the various boroughs of NYC, and it’s a treat anytime the Olmecs get mentioned.  The book was published in 1976, and there were some neat nods to long-forgotten people from back then, including Sonny Jurgensen, Alex Karras, Shirley Chisholm, and Stokely Carmichael, the latter getting a local Squash Court & Snack Bar named after him.  There’s also a very slight “is it natural or supernatural” aspect to the tale, and I always like that.

 

     The ending is skillfully done, with a couple well-timed twists and a neat “six months later” epilogue.  Everyone lives happily ever after, or, at least no unhappier than they were before all this craziness transpired.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Agley (adj.) : awry; askew; wrong.  (a Scottishism).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.0/5 based on 42 ratings.

    Goodreads: 4.00/5 based on 513 ratings and 60 reviews.

 

Kindle Details…

    Dancing Aztecs currently sells for $7.99 at Amazon.  Donald E. Westlake has several dozen other e-books at Amazon, ranging in price from $1.99 to $14.99, the latter being for the most recent release in his acclaimed “Dortmunder” series.

 

Excerpts...

    The state trooper was driving a Fury II.  State troopers love Fury IIs.  State troopers will go on driving Fury IIs until some car company puts out a car called Kill.  Then state troopers will drive Kills.  State troopers get their self-image from Marvel Comics.  (loc. 2106)

 

    The Dancing Aztec Priest.  Three children were making fun of it, as usual; giggling at it, prancing before it, trying to imitate its stance.

    It looked so real (…)  And it gave just as much enjoyment to these disrespectful brats as had its predecessor.  What do children care whether their plaything is gold or gilt, the original or a copy, priceless or valueless?  In any event, the true original Priest long ago was flesh, and long since dead, that flesh ages ago converted to yams by the wonder of the natural order.  And we eat the yams, and we are all the Dancing Aztec Priest.  (loc. 6306)

 

Where he walks tombstones grow, and where he sits the sun never shines.  (loc. 2531 )

    There are a couple of nits to pick, mostly about things that were the norm back in the 70s or which Donald Westlake, who passed away in 2008, has no control over.

 

    For starters, there were a ton of typos.  My impression was that the publisher digitalized Dancing Aztecs by scanning the pages and converting them to “.doc” format.  Okay fine, I’ve used that sort of program before, and you still have to proofread the Word document.  They didn’t, and it shows via all sorts of annoying misprints: wife/with, sate/sale, m/in, worm/worth, well/we’ll (3 times!!), Watty/Wally, scoffing/scarfing, and many, many more.  If someone was paid to proofread this manuscript, they should be shot.

 

    There are at least a half dozen ethnic and sexual slurs, some of them done multiple times.  I cringed each time one popped up, but reminded myself that back in 1976, such language was acceptable.  Similarly, a couple of the sections are written in what might be called “jive” or “ebonics”, and for me they fell flat.  And for those who get offended by cusswords, I counted 30 instances in the first 25%.

 

    Despite all that, I thoroughly enjoyed Dancing Aztecs.  I’m in awe that the author could juggle so many separate storylines and not leave the reader in a befuddled fog.  This book is not part of his famous “Dortmunder” series, but I found it just as charming and entertaining. If you’ve never read a Donald Westlake novel, this is as good a place to start as any.

 

    9½ Stars.  It’s not a spoiler to say that the whereabouts of the missing Dancing Aztec Priest is revealed at the end of the book.  Just for fun then, try to figure out, alongside the book’s various characters, who has it.  I'm confidently betting that you’ll be wrong.

The Spy in the Ointment - Donald E. Westlake

   1966; 207 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Satire; Amateur Secret Agent Thriller; Intrigue, Pulp Fiction.  Overall Rating : 6½*/10.

    Acronyms can be confusing.  Sometimes a single letter can make a huge difference.

    For instance, Gene Raxford is the National Chairman of the organization CIU, which stands for Citizens’ Independence Union.  That’s not as impressive as it sounds: because although they boasted 1400 members in 1952, that number's now shrunk to only 17, and 12 of those are on the “inactive” list.  CIU-ers are confirmed pacifists.  Mahatma Gandhi would pick a fight you sooner any of them would.

    Then there’s the WCIU, which stands for World Citizens’ Independence Union, which has a radically different philosophy.  They like to bomb things, mostly people and places.  They’re just one of a bunch of small like-minded extremist groups in the greater New York City area.

    Gene has just been invited to a tip-top super-secret meeting for violent subversive groups.  The people who invited him are confusing the WCIU and the CIU.  They’ve given him the time and place for the meeting, and Gene probably should skip it and let them know of their mix-up.

    But then what?  Maybe the bad guys will see him as a security threat and send someone to kill him.  If only someone could tell Gene the safest thing to do.

    Like the FBI agents that have bugged his phone, his table lamps, and his toilet tank.  Or the one hiding out in his basement.  Or the ones that empty his wastebaskets every day, in hopes of finding incriminating evidence.

What’s To Like...

    The Spy in the Ointment was published in 1966, and can perhaps be best described as an “amateur secret agent satire”.  The story is told in the first-person POV, Gene’s, as he muddles through the training and execution of an undercover sting on behalf of the FBI.   He’s accompanied by his current squeeze, Angela, who’s blonde, rich, and said by Gene to be “as healthy as a horse.  But better-looking.  But not quite as bright”.

    It was fun to be immersed in pre-computer technology again.  Your copier is a mimeograph machine, presentations are done with an easel and big poster cards, and telephone numbers are given as 7-character alphanumeric combinations such as: “CHelsea 2-2598”.

    I liked Donald Westlake’s portrayal of 1960’s radicals.  The bad guys want to merge all the extremist groups (whether radical left or radical right; it doesn't matter) for strength in numbers, but their squabbling at the kick-off meeting is simultaneously hilarious, self-defeating, and sad.  I sat in a couple such meetings in the early 70’s, and watched each group wanting its own personal agenda to take precedence over everybody else’s.  It’s a wonder any demonstration was ever successfully carried out.

    The plotline is sustained by Gene’s caustic wit and the mutual ineptitude of all involved parties: the FBI, the radicals, and even Gene and his friends.  You can put Gene through a grueling training program (but only for five days), and give him lots of super-neato spy gadgets (like James Bond gets at the start of each mission), but in the end you still have in incompetent civilian and a plan that has no chance of succeeding.

    The ending is a mixed bag.  Donald Westlake throws in a couple twists, and our protagonist has to decide whether his self-proclaimed pacifist philosophy is worth compromising for the greater good.  Disaster is averted (well, you knew that was going to happen so it's not a spoiler), but not without some over-the-top action to make it so.  And just when you think everything's about to settle down, the Epilogue shows up with a fresh round of unexpected mayhem.

Kewlest New Word ...

Cess (n.) : luck, usually used in the phrase “bad cess to you”.

Others: lagniappe (n.); hortatory (adj.); patroon (n.).

Excerpts...

    “Take this.”

    I said, “Why?”

    “Bottoms up,” he said.  “We’ve still got lots to do.”

    So I put the capsule in my mouth, downed it with water, gave him the glass back, and said, “Is it all right if I know what that was?”

    “Certainly,” he said.  “A microphone.”

    “A who?”

    “You will excrete it,” he said, “in approximately three days.  In the interim, you will be able to record and broadcast all conversations held in your presence.”  (loc. 1521)

    “Try to relax.”

    “Sure.  The cops are after me, I’m on my way to join an organization of lunatics and bombers, I’m wired for sound, my necktie turns into a smokescreen, my handkerchief will make you throw up, my Diner’s Club card explodes, I’m the leader of a subversive terrorist organization composed entirely of undercover federal agents, newspapers all over the country are saying I killed my girl, and I’m on my way to meet a twenty-five-year-old Nazi built like Bronco Nagurski.  If relaxed means limp, don’t worry about it.  I’m relaxed.  I’m relaxed all over.  (loc. 1803)

“The thought of a lot of pacifists protecting me from a lot of terrorists … just somehow doesn’t fill me with confidence.”  (loc. 581 )

    Not everything about returning to the 60’s is positive.  Racial pejoratives were both common and acceptable back then, and several of them show up here.  I recognize that Donald Westlake can’t be blamed for using such words in The Spy In The Ointment, but it’s still feels like fingernails-on-a-chalkboard when I read it.

    Also, in 1966, Women’s Lib was either barely around or nonexistent.  Angela’s role is basically to be a ditzy dumb blonde female sidekick, and Gene is thoroughly happy with this.

    Finally, as intriguing as the overall storyline is – hapless Gene infiltrates a terrorist cell and thwarts their evil plans – there really isn’t a lot of action.  If not for Donald Westlake’s writing skills, this book might have been a trudge.

    But the Westlake wit saves the day, and since I grew up in the 1960’s, none of these quibbles were surprising.  Indeed, the book gives me an appreciation for just how far we’ve come in the last 50 years in race-relations, feminism, and satire novels.  I am a big Donald Westlake fan, mostly due to his Dortmunder books, but it’s a nice change-of-pace to read some of his other stuff every so often.

    6½ Stars.  Donald Westlake (1933-2008) was a prolific writer whose career spanned a jaw-dropping 50 years (1959-2009, plus three more books published posthumously).  A Spy In The Ointment is #35 out of 115 books, if I counted right at Wikipedia and if their list is comprehensive.  It would be another four years before the first Dortmunder novel was published, and IMO that’s when he really began to hit his stride.

Why Me? - Donald E. Westlake

    1982; 240 pages.  Book #5 (out of 14) in the “Dortmunder” series (plus 11 other short stories, according to Wikipedia).  New Author? : No.  Genre : Crime Fiction; Humorous Crime.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

    The Byzantine Fire is a huge ruby, worth a quarter million dollars as a gemstone, and even more for its historical value.  At Kennedy Airport, the US was about to hand it over to Turkish officials as a goodwill gesture amid tight security, accompanied a couple of NYPD’s finest, when a team of commandos, speaking Greek, up and robbed them of it.

    Needless to say, this very much embarrassed and angered the Americans and the Turks, to say nothing of the New York City Police Department.  But wouldn’t you know it, someone in turn robbed the robbers of this precious jewel.  Now all sorts of others are enraged – Greeks, Armenians, Lebanese, Bulgarians, a bunch of religious zealots, and even the NYC criminal element when the cops started putting the heat on them because of the heist.

    Whoever stole it from the Greek thieves will find the Byzantine Fire impossible to fence, and will be lucky if he/she/they survive at all as soon as they show it.  Who would do such a stupid, suicidal thing?

    Well, they don’t call this the Dortmunder series for nothing.

What’s To Like...

    Why Me? is book 5 in Donald E. Westlake’s immensely popular “Dortmunder” series, which chronicles the heists perpetrated by the inept, yet lovable, and ultimately successful light-fingered thief, John Dortmunder.  I’ve read five other books in the series, but four of them are from late in the series, so this one was kind of a treat for me.  Most of John’s “gang” have only slight roles, with the exception of Andy Kelp.  And “Tiny” Bulcher, is more of a threat than an ally here, which was an unusual twist.

    Why Me? was published in 1982, and it was kind of weird to see Dortmunder struggling with his first encounter with someone’s (landline) telephone hooked to an answering machine.  I remember those days; they are thankfully long gone.

    The chapters are short – 46 of them covering 240 pages, so you can always find a good place to stop.  The pacing is good; there are no slow spots.  There’s a bunch of cussing; I don’t recall as much in the later books in the series, but it fit in with the tone of the story.  However, the use of the N-word did disturb me, as well as several other ethnic slurs.  I recognize that at one time these were acceptable in a book (John Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath uses the N-word a number of times), but it grates on my reading nerves, and isn’t necessary nowadays.

    What I did like were the various intellectual debates among the patrons of the O.J. Bar and Grill; those were simply hilarious.  And of course, Donald Westlake’s wit is here in abundance, which is always a treat.  This is a standalone novel, as are all the Dortmunder tales.  I am not reading them in order, and I don’t feel like I’m missing much.

Excerpts...

    “But the main problem right now, “ Cabot said, “aside from the loss of the ring itself, of course, is all the foreign gunmen running around New York, hunting the ring and one another.  This theft is enough of an international incident as it is; Washington would be very displeased if New York were turned into another Beirut, with shooting in the streets.”

    “New York would be displeased, too,” Freedly said.  (loc. 1034)

   “It was circumstantial evidence.”

    “Don’t tell me about circumstantial evidence,” O’Hara said.  “I did a nickel-dime once for hitting a lumberyard safe, and all they had on me was sawdust in my cuffs.”

    “That’s terrible,” Kelp said.  “Where’d they nab you?”

    “In the lumberyard office.”  (loc. 3570)

Kindle Details...

    Why Me? sells for $7.99 at Amazon, although I got my copy for free as a library loan.  The other books in the “Dortmunder” series are in the price range of $6.99-$9.99.  Donald E. Westlake also has a bunch more “hard-boiled” crime-mystery  e-books available.  They go for $4.60-$12.99.

 “Valuable things get stolen, am I right?  That’s what they’re for.”  (loc. 755)

    Let’s be frank, Donald E. Westlake’s Dortmunder books are formulaic.  Dortmunder acquires some larcenous loot, sometimes by accident (such as is the case here), more often via some hare-brained but effective scheme he cooks up.  Mayhem ensues, and somehow karma prevails.  The ill-gotten gains are lost to Dortmunder,  but either returned to their rightful owner or given over to some charitable cause.

    Why Me? is no exception to this, and that’s okay by me.  After reading 6 of the 14 books in the series, I’m still not burnt out on it.  FWIW. I’ve read several of Donald Westlake’s “non-Dortmunder” books and have enjoyed them almost as much.  I have not, however, read any of his serious-&-gritty detective stories.

    8 Stars.    It’s a shame Donald Westlake passed away in 2008 after a prolific, nearly writing career spanning nearly 50 years.  Sadly, no one has picked up the mantle and continued the Dortmunder series.  I, for one, would welcome it.

Smoke - Donald Westlake

    1995; 439 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genre : Crime-Humor.  Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

    It seemed like it would be such an easy heist.  Break into the Loomis Heimhocker Research Facility after hours, and steal some easy-to-pawn items.  Except, who knew that the two scientists that worked there also lived in the upstairs loft of the lab?

    And so Freddie Urban Noon, a smalltime burglar, finds himself caught in the act by the scientists.  And when given the choice between being turned over to the police or “volunteering” to be a guinea pig in their cure-for-cancer research, the decision is really easy.  Particularly since they told him where the antidote was kept.  Freddie doesn’t plan to be a human lab rat for long.

    It turns out, however, that the scientists were fibbing.  What he was told was the antidote turns out to be another test solution for curing cancer.  And the combination of the two makes people see right through Freddie.

    Literally.

What’s To Like...

    In a nutshell, Smoke is Donald Westlake’s spin on the old H.G. Wells classic, “The Invisible Man”.   However, since Westlake is best known for his lighthearted-crime novels (the “Dortmunder” series), the protagonist becomes a likeable burglar, and the storyline is more humorous than sci-fi.

    It’s a lot of fun to watch Westlake explore the plusses and minuses of being an invisible burglar.  Getting in and out of a place is easy, and the store cameras are completely useless.  OTOH, Freddie has to work completely naked, which means no pockets, cold hands and feet, and trying to get away with merchandise that is very visible.  Everyday life is also difficult – you can’t drive a car, your girlfriend complains of no privacy, and even preparing a sandwich with invisible hands is a daunting challenge.

    Donald Westlake develops Freddie and his GF Peg quite fully, but most of the other characters are pretty stereotypical.  The break-ins get a bit repetitive, but Westlake sprinkles an adequate amount of humor (the funeral oration on pages 260-266 is hilarious!) and excitement (both the cops and the bad guys are trying to capture Freddie) into the plotline to keep the reader's attention.

    You’ll meet a group of gay guys, and Westlake’s portrayal of them is realistic and even-handed, which is surprising for a book written in the 1990’s.  Everything builds to an exciting ending, and although the epilogue leaves room for a sequel, Westlake never wrote one, which I personally think was the right decision.  This is a standalone novel, and like most Westlake tales, has some cussing in it.

Kewlest New Word. . .

Fershlugginer (adj.) : crazy; wacky; foolish.  (a Yiddishism)

Others : Suasion (n.); Gonif (n.); Slope (v.); Toby Jug (n., phrase); Contretemps (n.); Nibelung (n.).

Excerpts...

    “Beer,” he said.

    “Yes, sir?”

    “Imported.  In a bottle.”

    “Any particular brand, sir?”

    “What’ve you got that’s from the farthest away?”

    The barman had to think about that.  He wrinkled his mustache briefly, then said, “That would be the one from China.”

    “Mainland China?  Where they have slave labor?”

    “Yes, sir.”

    “I’ll have that,” Barney decided, and as the barman turned away he gave Leethe his own bleak look and explained, “I like the idea that a lot of people worked long and hard, just for me.”  (pg. 194)

    “I would like to say a word about kidnapping.”

    That shut everybody up.  They all stared at Edmond, a bear-like man famous in his group for having more hair on his shoulders than on his head.  At last, William, an antiques dealer, said, “Edmond, this isn’t a kidnapping.  This is an invisible man!”

    Edmond spread his meaty hands.  “Hath an invisible man no rights?  Hath he not hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions, even if you can’t see them?  If you prick him, doth he not bleed?”

    “Not so’s you’d notice,” said Peter.  (pg. 360)

 It’s hard to look on the sunny side when you’re in a shitstorm.  (pg. 416

    Overall, the plotline felt a little looser than usual for a Westlake novel, and some of the characters, Michael Prendergast and George Clapp in particular, seemed underused.  Also, despite the humor, heists, and chases, things did drag once or twice.

    Smoke is not part of the Dortmunder series.  Freddie Noon has certain similarities to John Dortmunder, but the invisibility aspect would’ve been a very awkward fit.   But it's still an enjoyable read, and Dortmunder devotees will not be disappointed.  It’s just that, for most readers, Smoke will never supplant the Dortmunder series as their favorite Donald Westlake book(s).

    7½ Stars.  Subtract 1 star if you work in the Tobacco Industry.

The Hot Rock - Donald E. Westlake

    1970; 287 pages.  New Author? : No.  Book #1 (out of 14) of the Dortmunder series.  Genre : Crime Humor.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

    The Balabomo Emerald is a golf ball-size precious jewel that the African nations of Akinzi and Talabwo both consider to be a national treasure.  Of course, only one can possess it, and right now, that happens to be Akinzi.  But the gem is presently in New York City, as part of a US tour of African artifacts.  And Major Iko, the UN Ambassador from Talabwo, would like someone to “acquire” it for him.

    John Dortmunder is an ex-convict who specializes in the planning and implementing “difficult” burglaries.  He’s just been released from prison (not all of his heists go as planned), and could use some working capital.  He’s got a team of fellow criminal specialists to draw upon as partners, and Major Iko is willing to pay for a worthy team.

    What could possibly go wrong?

What’s To Like...

    I’ve read four other books in this series, so it was a treat to read the book that started it all.  The book opens with Dortmunder being released from prison, and that’s about all the backstory Donald Westlake gives for him.  Some of the series’ “regulars” – Andy Kelp, Stan Murch, and Rollo the bartender – are here, but Tiny and Arnie the Fence aren’t, and neither is John’s girlfriend, May.  Two team members in this book – Alan Greenwood and Roger Chefwick – were new to me.

    The Hot Rock is really a series of five capers, all involving the stealing of the Balabomo Emerald.  Every time Dortmunder thinks he’s got it, it somehow slips away and each subsequent heist requires increasingly outrageous equipment.  This confounds Major Iko, who is bankrolling the project, but leads to some hilarious escapades.

    The book, like the series, is essentially a “cozy”.  No one gets killed, and the violence is minimal.  There is some cussing here, but hey, wouldn’t you expect that in a gang of thieves?  As with any Dortmunder book, the good guys prevail (even if their financial gain is minimal), the bad guys get their comeuppance, and karmic balance is maintained.

Excerpts...

    He’d preferred to drive up here today rather than take the train, so he’d gone shopping for a car last night, and he’d found this one on East 67^th Street.  It had MD plates and he always automatically checked those, because doctors tend to leave the keys in the car, and once again the medical profession had not disappointed him.

    It didn’t have MD plates now, of course.  The state hadn’t spent four years teaching him how to make license plates for nothing.  (loc. 74)

    In his office on the opposite side of the building, Chief Administrator Doctor Panchard L. Whiskum sat at his desk rereading the piece he’d just written for the American Journal of Applied Pan-Psychotherapy, entitled “Instances of Induced Hallucination among Staff Members of Mental Hospitals,” when a white-jacketed male nurse ran in shouting, “Doctor!  There’s a locomotive in the garden!”

    Doctor Whiskum looked at the male nurse.  He looked at his manuscript.  He looked at the male nurse.  He looked at his manuscript.  He looked at the male nurse.  He said, “Sit down, Foster.  Let’s talk about it.”   (loc. 2367)

Kindle Details...

    The Hot Rock sells for $7.69 at Amazon.  The other books in the Dortmunder series are in the $6.99-$12.99 price range.  Donald Westlake also wrote many “more serious” crime novels, and these range in price from $4.89 to $9.99.

”A racing driver going into the far turn at one hundred twenty mile per hour shouldn’t have to answer the telephone.”  (loc. 450)

    The exciting climax takes place in an airport, and involved gunplay and dodging taxiing airplanes.  If your own airport experience is all post-9/11, these actions will seem hard to believe.

    But back when the book was written (1970), there were no such things as metal detectors or security checkpoints, and doors leading to the tarmac were quite accessible.  I know, because at that time I was a college student flying back and forth across the country to and from school.  It was a different, simpler world for travelers back then, and sadly, it is gone forever.  Still, this scene brought back fond memories for me.

    My only quibble about The Hot Rock is that it seemed to have a lot of typos for a mainstream Publishing House-issued offering.  Other than that, it is a worthy opening novel in the Dortmunder saga.  If you like lovable crooks, you’ll like this book.

    8 Stars.

Watch Your Back! - Donald Westlake

    2006; 360 pages.  New Author? : No.  Book #12 (out of 14) of the Dortmunder Series.  Genre : Crime Humor; Comic Capers.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

    The worst that could happen has befallen the Dortmunder gang.  No, no one died or got thrown in jail.  Worse than that.  Namely, the backroom at the O.J. Bar & Grill, where they do all the planning of their capers, is now off-limits to them.

    Oh sure, other bars have other backrooms, but it just isn’t the same.  Neither is Dortmunder’s living room.  So the gang must get to the bottom of why Rollo the bartender won’t let them use their usual meeting place, and quickly.  Because they have a very lucrative heist to plan.

What’s To Like...

    Watch Your Back! has three plotlines.   First, there’s the heist itself, which involves a challenging break-&-entry into a venture capitalist’s penthouse.  Second is the gallivanting of the VC himself, one Preston Fareweather, who’s been camped out in a Caribbean Club Med for a long time, and who has no intention of leaving his tropical paradise.  Particularly as long as ex-wives (and there are a bunch of them) continue to send process-servers after him.  The third storyline concerns the O.J. Bar & Grill itself, and why our plucky antiheroes are being encouraged to take their patronage elsewhere.

    The pacing is fast – it seemed like there was more action and less talking/planning than in the other Dortmunder books I’ve read.  Everything builds nicely to a particularly strong ending.  It’s fun to watch Donald Westlake weave the three plotlines, gradually drawing them seamlessly together for an exciting and surprising climax.

    The core of the gang is here – Tiny, Andy Kelp, Stan, and of course John Dortmunder.  And a new, wet-behind-the-ears-but-willing-to-learn member is introduced – Judson Blint.  WYB! is a standalone novel.  I am not reading the series in order, and didn’t feel like I was missing much by not doing so.  There are a couple cusswords, and one or two adult situations, but nothing vulgar or lurid.  The violence is minimal, bordering on being cozy-ish.

Excerpts...

    Rollo leaned close over the bar.  Very softly he said, “I just wanna say, this isn’t the best place right now.”

    “We noticed that, Rollo,” Kelp said, and nodded, and smiled in an amiable way, inviting confidences.

    “The thing is,” Rollo said, more sotto voce than ever, “there are people around here right now, what they are, they’re criminals.”

    Dortmunder leaned very close to Rollo over the bar.  “Rollo,” he murmured, “we’re criminals.”

    “Yeah, John, I know,” Rollo said.  “But they’re organized.”  (loc. 891)

    “Stan, it’s a hijack!”

    “I don’t need this,” Stan told the world, and something tapped the windowglass to his left.  When he looked over there, what was tapping was the metal end of the sawed-off double-barreled shotgun the right front passenger in the Jeep was aiming his way.  The guy had a whole lot of neck and nose, very little hair, and a smile meant for pulling wings off flies.  (loc. 3673)

Kindle Details...

    Watch Your Back sells for $6.64 at Amazon.  Almost all of the Dortmunder books are available for your Kindle; and most of them are in the $6.64-$7.69 price range.  A couple newer ones run a bit higher.  I borrowed Watch Your Back through my local library for free.

”On one beer you’re turning philosophical?”  (loc. 901)

    Watch Your Back! was my fourth Dortmunder book, and I’m beginning to get Westlake’s formula down pat.  There is always an opportunity for gain (aka, “theft”) that poses significant obstacles which require meticulous planning with frequent revisions.  Our protagonists somehow pull off the caper, but through cruel twists of fate and plot, never get to keep their ill-gotten (but morally semi-justifiable) loot.  In the end, everyone gets their just desserts.

    Well, it may be formulaic, but it works because you can’t see how the threads are going to fit together, and Westlake keeps you guessing what’s going to happen next with numerous twists and turns.  Plus, the wit, the humor, and the writing style are all excellent.

    9 Stars.  About the only negative I can give is that the book seemed to be done rather quickly for Amazon purporting it to be 360 pages long.  But maybe that’s just an indication of how much I enjoyed it.

Drowned Hopes - Donald E. Westlake

   1990; 453 pages. New Author? : No.  Book #7 (out of 14) in the Dortmunder series.  Genre : Crime Comedy.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

    After serving 30 years, Tom Jimson’s been released from prison.  He’s 70 years old, and just wants to move to Mexico and live off his retirement fund.  Which happens to be $700,000 in stolen money.  Which he buried behind a library in some upstate New York hick town called Putkin’s Corners before starting his prison term.

    Ah, but things have changed a bit.  While Tom was incarcerated, the state of New York built a dam, and Putkin’s Corners is now submerged under 50 feet of reservoir water.  Plus three feet of dirt.  Well, mud now, actually.

    So Tom comes calling on one of his old cellmates, John Dortmunder.  If John will help in recovering the loot (i.e., figuring out how to do it), Tom will split the 700 grand with him 50:50.  But be careful, John.  Most of Tom’s former “partners” met untimely ends right after pulling a caper with him.

What’s To Like...

     Tom has a simple proposal – blow up the dam, even though it means 900 or so people would die in the resulting reservoir water tsunami.  It’s up to John to come up with an alternative, and the usual Dortmunder mayhem abounds as each of John’s plans go awry.  In fairness, recovering the stash is quite the challenge.  How would you tackle it?

    Tom is a thoroughly bad guy, without any redeeming qualities, and it is impressive to see how Donald Westlake blends him into the lighter-hearted storyline.  But the rest of the one-&-done characters are delightful, including a virginal spinster with a crotchety mom, a diving instructor whose ethics quickly go downhill, and a poor reservoir employee who keeps seeing ET’s and hearing voices.

    John’s “gang” seems to get more ink than usual here, and it’s neat to watch Westlake flesh them out.  There’s a bit of wooing, but always with ulterior motives, and you’ll keep changing your guesses as to how it will be resolved.  The ending has a nice twist to it that you won’t see coming.  There’s a smidgen of cussing, but nothing excessive, and good luck on predicting who does most of it.  All books in this series are standalones.

    Last but not least, Drowned Hopes was published in 1990, and it is funny to read about the “new” technology at the time.  Things like cell phones, PC’s, Donkey Kong, WordPerfect, answering machines, speaker phones, etc.  Wowza.

Kewlest New Word. . .

Frammis (n.)  :  A nonsense word used in replacement for any technical word you don't know.  Similar to “thingy”.  Here : Somewhere in through there, a fellow named Mitch Lynch came in, doing a heavy term for a long-con frammis against an oilman in Tulsa.

Excerpts...

    If it isn’t bad manners to ask, John, what was this pal of yours in for?”

    “He’s not my pal.”

    “Sorry.  Ex-cellmate of yours.  What was he in for, do you know?”

    Dortmunder drank beer, thinking back.  “As I remember it,” he said, “it was murder, armed robbery, and arson.”

    Kelp looked surprised.  “All at once?”

    “He wanted a diversion while he pulled the job,” Dortmunder said, “so he torched the firehouse.”

    “A direct sort of fella,” Kelp said, nodding.  (pg. 37)

    Was she even related to Tom Jimson?  But the name couldn’t be a coincidence, it just couldn’t.  In the first place, coincidence does not exist in the world of the computer.  [Randomness (a.k.a. chance) has been factored into some of the more sophisticated games, but coincidence (a.k.a. meaningless correspondence other than junk mail) violates the human craving for order.  Which is why puns are the pornography of mathematicians.]. (pg. 188)

 “The trouble with real life is, there’s no reset button.”  (pg.  332)

    Drowned Hopes was my 4^th Dortmunder book, and the longest by at least 50 pages.  I enjoyed watching Tom get more impatient to detonate the dynamite each time a failed plan sinks to the bottom of the reservoir.

    However, if you’ve never read anything from the series before, this “spinning of the wheels” could get tedious as you wait for the plotline to advance.  Bottom line - fans of this series will love Drowned Hopes, but newcomers probably shouldn’t make this their first Dortmunder book.

    8 Stars.  Add one-half star if you figured out how to recover the loot before our protagonists did.