Dancing Aztecs - Donald E. Westlake

   1976; 350 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Crime Fiction; Comedic Mystery.  Overall Rating : 9½*/10.

 

    It's a brilliant scam.  A New York City museum is willing to pay a million dollars for the famous “Dancing Aztec Priest”, an ancient figurine made of solid gold with emeralds for eyes (see the book cover image).

 

    Unfortunately, it presently resides in the dirt-poor South American nation called Descalzo, where the people revere it, pray to it, and are unlikely to give it up for any price.  But couldn't a skilled sculptor create a cheap plaster lookalike, and switch it out?  The only challenge then would be getting it through customs when shipping it into the United States.  And that’s where the brilliancy comes in.

 

    Why not make a bunch of lookalikes, put them in crates bound to NYC, mark the crate that has the real Dancing Aztec in it, and pay some airport hustler with access to the JFK airport tarmac to steal the designated crate before it goes through customs inspection?

 

    Finding such a hustler is easy, it’s our protagonist, Jerry Manelli, who's already doing a profitable business stealing small amounts of baggage on a regular basis at JFK.  Just have someone call him from Descalzo when the plane leaves there and tell him the million-dollar figurine is in “Crate E”.

 

    Funny thing though.  The first five letters of the Spanish alphabet are pronounced “ah”, “bay”, “say”, “day”, “ay”.  So when the native Descalzan tells the Jerry to swipe “Box ay”, guess which one he grabs?  Oopsie.  Someone else is going to get the real statuette, not realizing how much it’s really worth.

 

What’s To Like...

    Dancing Aztecs chronicles the madcap antics that ensue after the scammers become aware of the mix-up described above.  As luck would have it, the rest of the Dancing Aztecs, sixteen in all, were then all given out as “thank-you mementos” at an awards banquet given by a group called the Open Sports Committee.  That means the sixteen trophies went sixteen separate ways to people scattered all over the greater New York City area.  Good luck finding the right Aztec.

 

    Things rapidly get more complicated.  The bad guys go chasing the statues.  Our hustler-hero figures out why the baddies wanted him to hijack the special crate and he forms his own team to track down the statues.  Some of the sixteen recipients also wise up and work together to do the same, including one who even teams up with his wife’s paramour.  The baddies in Descalzo start their own caper and they have the added challenge of hijacking an airplane to get to the US, then somehow evading arrest.

 

    All this probably sounds confusing, but somehow Donald E. Westlake’s storytelling makes everything easy to follow.  It helps that he includes a handy Cast-of-Characters at the very beginning, warns you any time the storyline goes non-linear (which happens a lot), and keeps the settings limited to the NYC area, Descalzo, and a brief side trip to Pennsylvania.

 

    Weirdly, the book doesn’t have chapters, Westlake simply adds a brief header (such as: “in the beginning…”, “prior to which…”, that night…”, some time earlier…”) which lets you know you’re heading into a new section of the tale.

 

    I chuckled at the national drink of Descalzo: something called “gluppe”, which is made by fermenting rotting yam skins and lima-bean stalks.  Westlake gives us a nice “feel” for the various boroughs of NYC, and it’s a treat anytime the Olmecs get mentioned.  The book was published in 1976, and there were some neat nods to long-forgotten people from back then, including Sonny Jurgensen, Alex Karras, Shirley Chisholm, and Stokely Carmichael, the latter getting a local Squash Court & Snack Bar named after him.  There’s also a very slight “is it natural or supernatural” aspect to the tale, and I always like that.

 

     The ending is skillfully done, with a couple well-timed twists and a neat “six months later” epilogue.  Everyone lives happily ever after, or, at least no unhappier than they were before all this craziness transpired.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Agley (adj.) : awry; askew; wrong.  (a Scottishism).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.0/5 based on 42 ratings.

    Goodreads: 4.00/5 based on 513 ratings and 60 reviews.

 

Kindle Details…

    Dancing Aztecs currently sells for $7.99 at Amazon.  Donald E. Westlake has several dozen other e-books at Amazon, ranging in price from $1.99 to $14.99, the latter being for the most recent release in his acclaimed “Dortmunder” series.

 

Excerpts...

    The state trooper was driving a Fury II.  State troopers love Fury IIs.  State troopers will go on driving Fury IIs until some car company puts out a car called Kill.  Then state troopers will drive Kills.  State troopers get their self-image from Marvel Comics.  (loc. 2106)

 

    The Dancing Aztec Priest.  Three children were making fun of it, as usual; giggling at it, prancing before it, trying to imitate its stance.

    It looked so real (…)  And it gave just as much enjoyment to these disrespectful brats as had its predecessor.  What do children care whether their plaything is gold or gilt, the original or a copy, priceless or valueless?  In any event, the true original Priest long ago was flesh, and long since dead, that flesh ages ago converted to yams by the wonder of the natural order.  And we eat the yams, and we are all the Dancing Aztec Priest.  (loc. 6306)

 

Where he walks tombstones grow, and where he sits the sun never shines.  (loc. 2531 )

    There are a couple of nits to pick, mostly about things that were the norm back in the 70s or which Donald Westlake, who passed away in 2008, has no control over.

 

    For starters, there were a ton of typos.  My impression was that the publisher digitalized Dancing Aztecs by scanning the pages and converting them to “.doc” format.  Okay fine, I’ve used that sort of program before, and you still have to proofread the Word document.  They didn’t, and it shows via all sorts of annoying misprints: wife/with, sate/sale, m/in, worm/worth, well/we’ll (3 times!!), Watty/Wally, scoffing/scarfing, and many, many more.  If someone was paid to proofread this manuscript, they should be shot.

 

    There are at least a half dozen ethnic and sexual slurs, some of them done multiple times.  I cringed each time one popped up, but reminded myself that back in 1976, such language was acceptable.  Similarly, a couple of the sections are written in what might be called “jive” or “ebonics”, and for me they fell flat.  And for those who get offended by cusswords, I counted 30 instances in the first 25%.

 

    Despite all that, I thoroughly enjoyed Dancing Aztecs.  I’m in awe that the author could juggle so many separate storylines and not leave the reader in a befuddled fog.  This book is not part of his famous “Dortmunder” series, but I found it just as charming and entertaining. If you’ve never read a Donald Westlake novel, this is as good a place to start as any.

 

    9½ Stars.  It’s not a spoiler to say that the whereabouts of the missing Dancing Aztec Priest is revealed at the end of the book.  Just for fun then, try to figure out, alongside the book’s various characters, who has it.  I'm confidently betting that you’ll be wrong.

The Burglar In The Rye - Lawrence Block

    1999; 352 pages.  New Author? : No.  Book #9  (out of 10, or 11, or 12, depending how you count them) in the Bernie Rhodenbarr “Burglar” series.  Genre : Crime-Humor.  Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

    The timing is going to be tricky, but it’s all for a good cause.  Bernie Rhodenbarr, retired burglar, is going to unretire for a bit in order to purloin some highly-sought letters from the reclusive author, Gulliver “Gully” Fairborn to his one-time agent, Anthea Landau.

    It won’t be easy.  Dear old Anthea is a recluse who almost never ventures out from her room at the Paddington Hotel, and Bernie isn’t sure where in her room the letters might be stashed.  In fact, he doesn’t even know which room is hers.

    But where there’s a will, or t least some letters, there’s a way, especially if some money can be made along the way.  And Bernie’s larceny skills are certainly up to the challenge.

    Unfortunately, someone saw him just outside Anthea’s hotel room door.  And someone else can prove Bernie was registered at that hotel under an assumed name.  And someone else must also be wanting those letters, because when Bernie makes it into Anthea’s room, she’s dead, and there are no letters to be found.

    Worst of all, someone’s already called the cops.  They’re at the door, and Bernie’s stuck inside.

What’s To Like...

    The Burglar In The Rye has the usual structure used in the Lawrence Block “Burglar” series, and I mean that in a most positive way.  Bernie gets talked into doing “one last heist”, and this isn't his first relapse.  Things go awry, Bernie gets implicated, and he and the reader spend the rest of the book navigating the many plot twists until Bernie, and sometimes the reader, figure out the whodunit.

    The murder-mystery is well-done.  The clues are there, if you’re astute enough to spot them.  But it’s just as much fun to meet a bunch of zany characters – both new and recurring – and to listen in on the sparkling wit that permeates every conversation in a Bernie Rhodenbarr book.  Lawrence Block also revels in imparting obscure trivia to the reader.  Here, we learn all about Chester Alan Arthur (who?) and the dreaded candiru, aka the “toothpick fish”.  The author doesn’t make this stuff up.  Wiki “candiru” to learn, as Bernie did, why you’ll never want to sneak a pee while swimming in a river again.

    As with any of the Burglar books, the new characters introduced are fascinating studies.  The reclusive Gulliver Fairborn sparkles, but my favorite newbie was Isis Gauthier, the first person I can recall that leaves Bernie flummoxed with her incisive questions.

    It also should be noted that, although the book was published in 1999, Bernie’s best friend throughout this series, Carolyn Kaiser, is gay.  No biggie, I hear you say, but what’s impressive is the way Lawrence Block makes her a three-dimensional character.  Yes, she’s gay, but that isn’t her only raison d’etre.  She owns a dog-grooming business, shares meals and drinks with Bernie, and swaps various insights with him over various relationship issues they both have.

    The Burglar In The Rye is a quick and easy read, told in the first-person POV (Bernie’s).  There is some mild cussing, one instance of aural sex (I’ll let you suss that out), and two, unconnected instances of urination fascination.  Maybe Lawrence Block was on diuretics when he wrote this.  This is a standalone story, as well as part of a series.

Kewlest New Word . . .

Twee (adj.) : Excessively or affectedly quaint, pretty, or sentimental.

Excerpts...

    “The day I moved in he told me he wanted me to stay as long as I wanted, and that he hoped I would never leave him.  But that he would leave me.”

    “He told you that?”

    “He stated it as a fact.  The sky is blue, ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny, and the day will come when you’ll wake up and I’ll be gone.”

    “It could be a country song,” I said, “except that ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny would be tough for Garth Brooks to sing with real conviction.”  (loc. 1085)

    For God’s sake, he’s a self-proclaimed burglar.”

    “Actually,” Carolyn put in, I think ‘admitted’ would be a better word for Bernie than ‘self-proclaimed.’  It’s not as though he goes around making proclamations.  If anything, he’s a little ashamed of being a burglar.”

    “Then why doesn’t he stop burgling?” Isis wanted to know.

    “Just between us, I think it’s an addiction.”

    “Has the man tried therapy?  Or some sort of twelve-step program?”

    “Nothing seems to work.”  (loc. 3414)

Kindle Details...

    The Burglar In The Rye sells for $6.49 at Amazon.  All the rest of the books in the series are in the  $3.99  to $5.99 price range.  Lawrence Block wrote several other, less lighthearted detective series, and those e-books are in the $2.74-$9.99 range.  One of them is the “Matthew Scudder” series, which I am eager to check out.

He was a bear, of course, but not the sort whose predilection for sylvan defecation is as proverbial as the Holy Father’s Catholicism.  (loc. 69)

    There’s not much to quibble about in The Burglar in the Rye.  At one point Bernie, desperately fleeing the police, enters a random hotel room, and stumbles across some extremely valuable rubies, They just happen to play a key part in solving the crime.  Yeah, it’s kinda of a “WTF moment”, but hey, without those gems, the whole investigation would come to naught.  So we’ll let it slide.

    The ending is suitably dramatic, albeit a two-stage affair.  Just about everyone you’ve figured was the culprit gets put under the Bernie Rhodenbarr spotlight, but I doubt you’ll have fingered the actual murderer.  That gets wrapped up at 88%, then it’s time to also resolve the matter of the missing and much-coveted letters.  That may sound anticlimactic, but it actually all works out quite nicely.

    8½ Stars.  I borrowed the Kindle version of Burglar In The Rye from my local library.  They carry the complete series, and it seems like very few patrons remember Lawrence Block.  It may be time to read a couple more of these, before the library deletes them due to inactivity.

Three To Get Deadly - Janet Evanovich

   1997; 344 pages.  Book 3 (out of 22) of the Stephanie Plum series.   New Author? : No, but it’s been a while.  Genre : Crime-Humor; Beach Novel.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

    Eeny meeny miny … oops … where’s Mo disappeared to?

    Moses “Uncle Mo” Bedemier is a popular figure in the burg.  He’s been operating a candy store for decades, and so is a favorite among the kids in town, both present ones and those who have since moved on to adulthood.  But he was recently found carrying an unregistered firearm after a routine traffic stop, arrested, and Stephanie Plum’s employer, Cousin Vinnie, posted the bail money.

    Now Uncle Mo’s skipped his court appearance, and Vinnie’s in danger of losing the money he put up.  So it’s up to bounty hunter Stephanie to find Mo and bring him in.

    But when you’re looking for a neighborhood icon, you sometimes find that the locals view you as the bad guy, not Uncle Mo.  So lotsa luck finding him, Steph.  Don’t expect the townsfolk to help you.

What’s To Like...

    Three To Get Deadly is my third Stephanie Plum book, but I read the first two way back in 2009, and they are reviewed here and here.  So I appreciated muchly Janet Evanovich working the backstory into the first few percent of the e-book.  Stephanie is still learning the tricks of the trade, mostly from Ranger.  And she’s mentoring her new protégée, Lula.  Joe Morelli’s back, keeping Steph hot and breathless, and so is Grandma Mazur, albeit in a lesser role.

    There’s a nice balance between wit and mystery-solving.  I thought for a while that the latter was being ignored.  But it turns out the clues were there; but both Stephanie and I were just too dense to see them.   There’s a red herring or two to keep you on your toes, and a new (at least for me) acronym to learn:  “FTA” (“Failure To Appear”).

    This is a quasi-cozy mystery.  Stephanie keeps coming across a bunch of bodies, but I don’t recall any of them dying onstage.  There’s a bunch of cussing, a few “adult themes”, and at least one steamy bit of petting, but it’s all somehow tastefully done.

    The writing style is heavy on dialogues, and I think that keeps the reader’s interest.  The setting is Trenton, New Jersey; when’s the last time you read a book set there?  And beneath all the wit, Evanovich explores a serious topic and a dark one.  I’ve listed them in the comments to the post, for the sake of avoiding spoilers.

    The ending is good, with Mo’s disappearance satisfactorily resolved.  This is a standalone novel, as well as part of a series.

Kewlest New Word (Phrase, actually). . .

Damn Skippy (interjection) : not just yes, but hell yes.

Others : Cachet (n.)

Excerpts...

    “First off,” Connie said, “Bruce Wayne is Batman, and Batman isn’t actually a superhero.  Batman’s just some neurotic guy in a rubber suit.  You have to get nuked or come from another planet to be a real superhero.”

    “Batman’s got his own comic book,” Lula said.

    Connie wasn’t impressed with this logic.  “Donald Duck has his own comic book.  You think Donald Duck is a superhero?”  (loc. 3210 )

    I woke up feeling guilty about the junk food binge, so for penance I cleaned the hamster cage, rearranged the jars in the refrigerator and scrubbed the toilet.  I looked for ironing, but there was none.  When something needs to be ironed I put it in the ironing basket.  If a year goes by and the item is still in the basket I throw the item away.  This is a good system since eventually I end up only with clothes that don’t need ironing.  (loc. 3572)

Kindle Details...

    Three To Get Deadly is presently going for $1.99 at Amazon right now, which is a fantastic price for a book from a top-tier author.  There are 22 books in this series (soon to be 23), and they range in price from $1.99 (for #2 and #3) to $13.99 for their Kindle versions.  Janet Evanovich has several other series going, none of which I’ve read.

 “I come in like the fog on little cat feet.   (loc. 341)

    I can’t really think of anything to quibble about in Three To Get Deadly.   The pace is good, the characters are all fun to meet, the wit and humor is there from start to finish, and all the R-rated stuff seems to fit in well with the tone of the book.

    I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to get back to reading this series.  In rereading my reviews of books #1 ad #2, it’s obvious I liked them.  Perhaps I was worried that all the storylines would start sounding the same, and who knows, perhaps they will.  But for now, I can say I’ve enjoyed all three Stephanie Plum books I’ve read thus far.  I’ll probably pick up a couple more in the near future, although it’s questionable whether or not I’ll continue to read them in order.

    8 Stars.  There’s a reason why Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum books make the New York Times Best Sellers list time after time.