Seven Up - Janet Evanovich

   2001; 337 pages.  Book 7 (out of 28) in the “Stephanie Plum” series.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Crime–Humor; Women Sleuths; Beach Novel.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    Much to bounty-hunter Stephanie Plum’s chagrin, the half-blind old geezer Eddie DeChooch is proving quite difficult to bring in due to his FTA (“Failure To Appear”) court date summons.

 

    Oh, he’s easy enough to find.  He spends most of his time at home, although he also often attends social events, including viewings for deceased fellow-geezers at the local funeral home.  But finding him is one thing, cuffing him and getting him back to Cousin Vinnie’s Bail Bond Agency is quite another.  Eddie DeChooch is one slippery fellow.

 

    Maybe it’s because he’s depressed.  His last cigarette-smuggling caper got busted which had to make somebody in the local underworld very unhappy.  Maybe it’s his health problems.  His eyes need fixing, he’s got a bum prostrate, and his feet get cold.  It's no wonder that all he does is hang out at his house anymore.

 

    Most likely it’s that corpse in his backyard shed.  You know, the one belonging to that spinster Loretta Ricci.  The one with five bullet holes in its chest.

 

What’s To Like...

    Seven Up is another delightful tale in Janet Evanovich’s ultra-popular “Stephanie Plum” series.  So far I’ve been reading these in order, although I am getting the feeling that it isn’t necessary to do so.  All my favorite characters are back, including Lula, Stephanie’s mouthy sidekick; feisty Grandma Mazur, who goes for her first ride on a Harley here; and Mooner, who can be talked into just about anything by dangling a joint in front of him.  Also back are the two studs Ranger and Joe Morelli, both of whom give Stephanie the hots, and one of which she’s engaged to be married.

 

    There are some new faces to boot.  Stephanie’s sister Valerie, a “perfect daughter” according to their mom and therefore a polar opposite of Steph, moves back home, her marriage broken, with her two daughters in tow, one of whom, Mary Alice, is convinced she’s a horse.

 

    There are a plethora of plotlines to keep both the reader and Stephanie occupied, including trying to convince Eddie to give himself up, and finding out why someone would shoot five holes in Loretta Ricci’s corpse AFTER she'd already died from a heart attack.  Various characters go missing and/or get shot, there are wedding arrangements to be made, and of course big sister Valerie needs help coping with her midlife crisis.  Finally, there's the BIG question: who stole the pot roast, and why?

 

    The pacing is brisk, there's action aplenty, and Janet Evanovich's writing is as always, wonderfully witty.  This isn’t really a whodunit – technically Stephanie’s job is to bring Eddie DeChooch and other FTA’s in for rescheduling their court appearances and let the crime-solving to the Trenton Police Department.  But it’s fun to tag along with Stephanie and Lula because you know they’ll stumble into, and somehow help solve, those various crimes and disappearances anyway.  Who knows, they might even run across a clue after accidentally getting drawn into a mud-wrestling match.

 

    Everything leads up to a satisfying ending.  There’s a twist or two to keep you and Stephanie on your toes, and by the end all the criminal plotlines are tied up.  Justice is served, and things are once again well at cousin Vinnie's bail bond agency.  Now if only Stephanie could untangle her pesky love-life tangles.

 

Excerpts...

    “I got a job for you,” Vinnie said.  “I want you to find that rat fink Eddie DeChooch, and I want you to drag his bony ass back here.  He got tagged smuggling a truckload of bootleg cigarettes up from Virginia and he missed his court date.”

    I rolled my eyes so far into the top of my head I could see hair growing.  “I’m not going after Eddie DeChooch.  He’s old, and he kills people, and he’s dating my grandmother.”

    “He hardly ever kills people anymore,” Vinnie said.  “He has cataracts.  Last time he tried to shoot someone he emptied a clip in to an ironing board.”  (pg. 5)

 

    Valerie has always been coordinated.  Her shoes and her handbags always match.  Her skirts and shirts match, too.  And Valerie can actually wear a scarf without looking like an idiot.

    Five minutes later, Valerie had me completely outfitted.  The skirt was mauve and lime green, patterned with pink and yellow lilies.  The material was diaphanous and the hemline hit midcalf.  Probably looked great on my sister in L.A., but I felt like a seventies shower curtain.  (pg. 139)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Johnson (n.) : (slang, vulgar) a penis.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.6*/5, based on 2,300 ratings and 821 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.14*/5, based on 122,016 ratings and 2,280 reviews.

 

“Holy crap. (…) You shot Jesus.  That’s gonna take a lot of Hail Marys.”  (pg. 105)

    It’s difficult to find anything to carp about in Seven Up.  If you’re keeping tally of “vehicles wrecked” and “bodies uncovered” by Stephanie, as Wikipedia does, here the total in one each.  That’s comparatively tame for her.

 

    And although I’d classify this as a “cozy crime-mystery”, it does contain a moderate amount of cussing, in this case 20 instances over the first quarter of the book.  There’s a nice diversity in those cusswords, with variations of “damn” and excrement expletives leading the way, but with the f-bomb occasionally showing up.

 

    Lastly and leastly, Stephanie’s taste in food has to be criticized.  One of her favorite snacks is  a “peanut-butter-and-olive sandwich”.  I got slightly sick just typing that.

 

    But those nitpicks pale compared to just how much of a light, quick, and fun read this was.  I'm a quarter of the way through this 28-book series, and I’ve yet to be disappointed.  Or, as Lula is prone to say, “Damn skippy!”

 

    9 Stars.

Mad About Undead You - Carl S. Plumer

   2012; 285 pages.  Full Title: Mad About Undead You: A Zombie Apocalypse Love Story.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : Humorous Dark Comedy, Zombie Apocalypse, Paranormal Romance.  Overall Rating : 4*/10.

 

    There’s something strange about the people out and about on the streets of San Francisco.  Donovan Codell is sure of it.  They stink to high heaven.  They have mega-zits.  They growl at people and gnash their teeth a lot.  If they see you, they shuffle towards you.  Not very fast, but very persistently.

 

    Maybe the waiter at the coffeehouse was right.  He said you can’t drink the city’s water right now, although he didn’t say why.  But his coffeehouse will only serve you juice or natural soda.

 

    Oh well, Donovan’s not going to let the locals spoil his day.  He woke up feeling great, in no small part because he had a beautiful girl sleeping beside him.  Nothing short of a zombie apocalypse is going to ruin his mood.

 

    Funny thing about that, Donovan.

 

What’s To Like...

    The setting for Mad About Undead You is the greater San Francisco area, including everything from the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood to several of the islands in the San Francisco Bay.  Donovan and his love interest, Cathren, run all over the place, trying to avoid getting torn to pieces by hungry brain-eaters, deranged scientists, and paranoid geezers.  The subtitle is accurate, this is a Zombie Apocalypse Love Story, but the emphasis leans heavily on the Undead, not the Romance.

 

    The action is nonstop, and loaded with plenty of dei ex machina and Hulk-like abilities to keep our two protagonists from being sliced and diced and chomped and stomped.  For the most part, anyway.  There aren’t a lot of characters to keep track of, and along the way you’ll learn a little bit of French, a little bit of Spanish, and a smidgen of Anglo-Saxon English.

 

    Being a chemist, I always like it when science works its way into a story.  So the rotten-eggs “sulfur odor” was neat, although for me, it triggers a “money to be made” reflex.  The “fertilizer bomb” is indeed powerfully real – it’s what was used in the Oklahoma City bombing.  IIRC, cryogenic “frozen heads” are also a real thing; I vaguely recall reading about a scandal involving cryogenic employees allegedly kicking one of those like a soccer ball, maybe even the one belonging to MLB Hall-of-Famer Ted Williams.

 

    The music references to the Dead Kennedys, Prince’s “Purple Rain”, and Bob Marley’s “No Woman No Cry” were neat; Carl S. Plumer obviously has fine musical tastes.  You’ll learn the value of knowing how to drive a stick shift and what the verb “jonesing” means.  And if you think zombie humans are scary, just wait till you come face-to-face with zombie sharks.

 

    Mad About Undead You is a standalone novel, with short chapters: 77 of them covering the 285 pages of the e-book version.  I didn’t find a sequel, but in looking at Carl S. Plumer’s author’s page on Amazon it appears the book was re-issued with a new title, Zombie Ever After – A Satire, in 2015.  The first four chapters, shown in the “Look Inside” section on the Amazon page looked identical to Mad About Undead You.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Klatch (n.) : a social gathering, especially for coffee and conversation.  (a Yankeeism)

 

Things that Sound Dirty But Aren’t…

    “Let me get your tongue and put it on ice.”  (loc. 855)

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  3.5/5 based on 29 ratings and 29 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.42/5 based on 91 ratings and 19 reviews

 

Excerpts...

    A large group of people formed a circle in the middle of the road, their backs to Donovan and Cathren.  The couple stopped, transfixed, and studied the people in the crowd.  Oozing wounds dotted the beings’ flesh.  Open sores pocked their necks, arms, backs.  Rotting skin dripped to the ground.  A couple of them had bits of bright white bone showing through, like headlights in a tunnel.

    “What’s going on?” said Cathren.  “Who are they?  They look so sick.  Are they lepers?  Are they hurt?  Should we help them?”

    “Water drinkers,” Donovan said darkly.  “Unfiltered tap water drinkers.”  (loc. 236)

 

    The brain-eaters were more than halfway down the stairs now.  Donovan aimed and squeezed the trigger.

    Nothing.  The safety was on.  Who would leave the safety on in the middle of a zombie apocalypse?

    He released the safety and tried again.

    Click.

    The zombies were almost upon him.

    Who would leave an unloaded shotgun in the middle of a zombie apocalypse?  (loc. 2745)

 

Kindle Details…

    Mad About Undead You is presently unavailable as an e-book in Amazon, but Carl S. Plumer has three other e-books at Amazon, all in the paranormal genre, and ranging in price from free to $3.99.

 

“Money is no object. (…) In other words, I have no money.”  (loc. 4811)

    Sadly, there is a lot to quibble about regarding Mad About Undead You, which accounts for the low ratings at both Amazon and Goodreads.  The book screams for a better backstory (what the heck is the military doing while zombies are running amok?) and the storytelling has way too many dei ex machina to be believable.  Other weaknesses include:

 

    Cussing.  There’s a lot of it.  I counted 20 instances in the first 10% of the e-book.  There’s nothing wrong with some well-placed cusswords, but excessive use of them is usually a cheap substitute for better writing.

 

    Similes.  They get used ad nauseam here.  In the six pages comprising Chapter 17, for example, the phrase “as if” gets used seven times.  Similes using “like” (“the heat of the doorknob stung her fingers like a serpent bite”) are also overused.

 

    Science Errors.  “HO₂” is not hydrogen peroxide.  “H₂O₂” is.  And there aren’t “over 2,000 trace elements”.  There may be thousands of compounds or molecules, but elements are limited to the 100+ that are listed in the Periodic Table.  Yes, this is nitpicky.  But I’m a chemist.

 

    The Ending.  It’s unsatisfying.  The story ends abruptly with our heroes conveniently finding a haven that’s too good to be believable, and is temporary at best.  Neither the zombie apocalypse nor the health of our protagonists are resolved.  But to be fair, at least it wasn’t a cliffhanger.

 

    Despite all this, I still enjoyed this book.  Donovan and Cathren are interesting characters, and any scenario with hordes of zombies running all over San Francisco is going to be entertaining.  But Mad About Undead You is in bad need of a major rewrite.  And don’t tell me that I’m missing the point, that it’s supposed to be a satire that’s not to be taken seriously.  Satires still need to be coherent and well-written.

 

    4 Stars.  One last thing.  The book cover shown in my Kindle shows a girl’s face with a raven (or crow) in the background.  A google search failed to come up with a single hit for this image.  Instead, the book cover shown above come up, and IMHO, it gives a much better idea about the tone of Mad About Undead You.  But it amazes me that the original Kindle cover image has completely disappeared from the Internet.

House of Chains - Steven Erikson

   2002; 1,015 pages.  New Author? : No.  Book #4 (out of 10) in the Malazan Book of the Fallen series.  Genres : Epic Fantasy; Sword & Sorcery; Military Fantasy.  Overall Rating: 8*/10.

 

    A convergence is coming.  A gathering of forces building into an epic conflict.  A select few can feel it, and even  sense its location: it will take place in the barren wastes of the Raraku Desert.

 

    At the earthly level, it will pit two massive armies against each other.  On one side, the army of the Malazan Empire, commanded by the Adjunct Tavore, the Empress’s Chosen One.  Facing them, the Army of the Apocalypse, commanded by Sha’ik, the Whirlwind Goddess’s Chosen One.  A number of fringe characters will also be drawn into the fray, few in number but great in impact.

 

    But some of the mages can sense a higher level of convergence as well, involving the “Houses” of various gods and goddesses.  A new House trying to establish itself, which complicates things.  No one, not even the resident gods, is quite sure what new deity is behind this.

 

    But stirring beneath all of this is an even deeper level of convergence, one that has an “elemental” feel, one that could easily sway the battles between both the puny mortals and the petty deities.  Its source is the Raraku Desert itself.

 

What’s To Like...

    House of Chains, Book 4 in Steven Erikson’s epic fantasy series, is the sequel to Book 2, Deadhouse Gates, which I read three years ago and is reviewed here.  Books 1 and 3 are thus far a separate storyline, and I’m getting the feeling that this “alternating settings” technique is going to continue through most of this series.

 

    Here we follow the trials and travails of a number of characters, often traveling in pairs or small groups (a necessity if you want to inject dialogue into the text), as they are drawn slowly and inexorably toward the impending mega-battle. The opening portion of the book  introduces a new character, Karsa Orlong, who cuts a path of blood and destruction through various tribes that have the misfortune of being neighbors to his own clan.  In effect this amounts to a giant prologue, spanning about a quarter of the book, before we get to the main “convergence” storyline.

 

    The book is written in English, not American, with the usual weird-looking (to us Yanks) spellings like ageing, behaviour, offence, armour, no-one, and abraiding.  Yet oddly enough, the “ize-words”, such as realized, apologize, and recognize are spelled the American way.  This puzzled me until I discovered that Steven Erikson is Canadian.

 

    As always, the world-building, character-development and wittily thought-provoking dialogue are all superbly done.  That’s not an easy undertaking when you have a gazillion beings wandering all over the place on their way to Raraku, but Steven Erikson is up to the task, and I deeply appreciate the inclusion of a Dramatis Personae in the front and a Glossary in the back. 

    The ending is a mixed bag.  After more than 800 pages of herding the combatants to a meeting point, the final battle turns out to be somewhat less than epic.  But it does take around a hundred pages to cover it, and it kept me turning the pages the whole way.  It says something about Steven Erikson’s writing skills that he can pull this off, again and again, in this every-other-book storyline.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.7*/5, based on 1,415 ratings and 381 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.34*/5, based on 41,219 ratings and 1,393 reviews

 

Kewlest New Word…

    Knout (n.) : a whip used to inflict punishment, usually causing death.

 

Excerpts...

    Karsa spoke in a low voice, “Torvald Nom, listen well.  A warrior who followed me, Delum Thord, was struck on the head.  His skull cracked and leaked thought-blood.  His mind could not walk back up the path.  He was left helpless, harmless.  I, too, have been struck on the head.  My skull is cracked and I have leaked thought-blood—”

    “Actually, it was drool—”

    “Be quiet. Listen.”  (pg. 171)

 

    “And that crossbow can lob cussers far enough?  Hard to believe.”

    “Well, the idea is to aim and shoot, then bite a mouthful of dirt.”

    “I can see the wisdom in that, Fid.  Now, you let us all know when you’re firing, right?”

    “Nice and loud, aye.”

    “And what word should we listen for?”

    Fiddler noticed that the rest of his squad had ceased their preparations and were now waiting for his answer.  He shrugged.  “Duck.  Or sometimes what Hedge used to use.”

    “Which was?”

    “A scream of terror.”  (pg. 753)

 

“It’s all a waste of breath, soldiers.  Sooner or later, we’re all marching in wide-eyed stupid.”  (pg. 850)

    The quibbles in House of Chains are minor and for the most part are the same ones I had with Deadhouse Gates.

 

    There’s a lot of intrigue in the story, but until we reach the final showdown, not a lot of action.  So if you’re looking for a hack-&-slash adventure, you’ll probably be disappointed, at least for the first 90% of the book.

 

    There are (fictional) pithy quotes at the start of each chapter, but this time around they didn’t do much for me.  There’s only a smattering of cussing (8 instances in the first 20%), and once again it’s mitigated by a number of colorful expressions invoking the locale deities, such as: “Beru fend!”, “Hood’s dripping tongue!”, “Fener’s tusks!”, and “Hood’s balls!”  In addition, there is a rape or two, and a molester of little girls who eventually gets his comeuppance.

 

    Lastly, my favorite group, the Bridgeburners, get very little ink here.  To be fair, most of them are dead, and those few who still live have been outlawed by the Malazan Empire.  A couple of the surviving members – including Quick Ben and Hedge – make cameo appearances, while others – such as Fiddler, Kalam, and Cuttle - are either using aliases or hiding out.  Late in the story, we do get one revelation about the Bridgeburners that gives me hope that some of the dead ones, Whiskeyjack and Dujek Onearm in particular, may resurface somewhere down the line.

 

    8 Stars.  ANAICT, “Malazan Book of the Fallen” is a completed series, which means I’m 40% of the way through it.  Book 7, Reaper’s Gate, is on my TBR shelf, but I don’t have Books 5 and 6, Midnight Tides and The Bonehunters. I may have to venture out into the Covid-infested world to find these.

How The States Got Their Shapes - Mark Stein

   2008; 306 pages.  Book 1 (out of 2) in the “How the States Got Their Shapes” series.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : US History; Geography; Reference; Non-Fiction.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    “Why does Delaware have a semicircle for its northern border?  What’s at its center and why was it encircled?  Why does Texas have that square part poking up?  And why does the square part just miss connecting with Kansas, leaving that little Oklahoma panhandle in between?

 

    The more one looks at state borders, the more questions those borders generate.  Why do the Carolinas and Dakotas have a North state and a South state?  Couldn’t they get along?  Why is there a West Virginia but not an East Virginia?  And why does Michigan have a chunk of land that’s so obviously part of Wisconsin?  It’s not even connected to the rest of Michigan.

 

    This book will provide those answers.  State by state (along with the District of Columbia), the events that resulted in the location of each state’s present borders will be identified.”

 

    (from the Introduction to “How The States Got Their Shapes” by Mark Stein)

 

What’s To Like...

    The book’s title, and the teasers in the Introduction listed above, say it all.  How The States Got Their Shapes is a detailed reference work, replete with lots of little-known history, geography, and political tidbits that combine to logically explain how each colony and/or territory morphed into the present-day United States.

 

    The book is structured to be first and foremost a handy reference resource.  After the Introduction, there’s an enigmatically-titled chapter called Don’t Skip This – You’ll Just Have to Come Back Later.  Do what the title says, it goes over a number of territorial acquisitions that impacted the borders of multiple states.  These events include the French and Indian War, the Louisiana Purchase, the Nootka Convention (say what?), the Adams-Onis Treaty (say who?!), and a sustained effort by the federal government to adhere to the principle that all states should be created equal.

 

    Following that are chapters about each of the 50 states, plus the District of Columbia, presented in alphabetical order. Each one starts out with a couple of teaser questions (anywhere from three to six), then gives the answers via historical details.  The chapters are further subdivided by the borders' directions, so, for instance, the Alabama chapter addresses first its southern border, then its eastern, western, and northern boundaries.

 

    This might sound tedious, but the chapters are short (generally less than 6 pages) and almost always contain several maps illustrating the “before and after” shape of the state as each change in its borders took effect.  Whoever created these maps deserves a special tip of the hat!

 

    The discovery of gold within a territory usually impacted its later borders, but not in the way I expected.  You’d think a prospective state would want to latch on to such a valuable resource, but that was rarely the case.  A gold rush meant a rapid influx of gold miners, who were known to not care much for legal systems.  Law-enforcement was iffy at best, and even worse, those rowdy prospectors could quickly outnumber the citizens already there, and vote in their own types.  Territories about to apply for statehood always tried to exclude gold finds from their proposed boundaries.

 

    Pro- and anti-slavery sentiments had the same sort of effect.  Royal charters usually bequeathed a colony all the land within its north-south latitudes from the Atlantic clear to the Pacific.  But most colonies voluntarily ceded to the federal government their western lands beyond some modest point.  The reasons were not altruistic.  Usually, they hoped those lands would become multiple states, with two senators each, and who were expected to vote along the same pro- or anti-slavery lines of the original colony.

 

    Other recurring factors that caused hiccups in states lines include mountains (you can’t enforce your laws if you can’t get over the hills), sloppy surveyors (or sometimes, drunken ones), and ambiguous, overlapping, or erroneous charters from the king.  Lastly, we won’t even mention the numerous instances of neighboring states squabbling with each other, seemingly just for the sake of strutting their stuff.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.4/5 based on 667 ratings and 400 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.52/5 based on 3,377 ratings and 620 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    Texas first became a place of continual colonial settlement in 1691, when Spain grew alarmed at reports that Frenchmen had crossed the Sabine River from Louisiana.  The French, possibly testing the waters for colonial expansion, were befriending the local Indians, an alliance of tribes known by their native word for “allies,” tejas.  Spain dispatched an expedition to clear out the area of the French and convert the Indians to Christianity.  To ensure that the French stayed out and the Indians stayed Christian, Spain built missions throughout the region and established the province of Tejas.  (loc. 2800)

 

    When the New York authorities attempted to tax the residents [in Vermont], they found themselves facing the muskets of Ethan Allen and the Green Mountain Boys.

    Before violence erupted, however, the American Revolution commenced.  In keeping with the spirit of the time, the region declared its own independence as the state of Vermont.  When the Continental Congress refused to recognize it, Vermont threatened to ally itself with England.  In response, Congress voted to invade Vermont!  But George Washington resisted, pointing out that his troops had little desire to fight fellow Americans.  (loc. 2982)

 

Kindle Details…

    How the States Got Their Shapes is currently priced at $10.99 at Amazon.  The sequel, How the States Got Their Shapes Too: The People Behind the Borderlines, goes for $13.99.  Mark Stein has several other e-books for your Kindle, all non-fiction, which range in price from $11.99 to $16.64.

 

California violated the policy of equality among states because it could.  The United States needed California more than California needed the United States.  (loc. 454)

    There are a couple quibbles, but nothing major.

 

    Obviously, the reason for, say, Pennsylvania’s northern border with New York is the same as the reason for New York’s southern border with Pennsylvania.  Therefore, repetition of information is inevitable.  The author generally tries to minimize this, often by giving the historical details from the perspective of whichever state is the subject of that chapter.  Usually he mentions that you can also read about this in the other state’s chapter.  Some reviewers seemed to be really irked about this, but I didn’t find it off-putting at all.

 

    There are some typos to trip over along the way: Not/Now, Face/Fact, Calvary/Cavalry, it/its, and one that made me chuckle: memer/member.

 

    Finally, I have to admit that trying to read too many chapters in one sitting sometimes blurred my brain.  So even though you can probably plow through How The States Got Their Shapes in a single night, my advice is to read, say, a half-dozen chapters per session, then put the book down and read something else.  This trick also works when reading books of poetry.

 

    9 Stars.  I’m a history and geography buff, so How The States Got Their Shapes kept me entertained throughout.  Trivia buffs will also enjoy this book.  The origin of Texas’s name is given above, but you’ll also learn about things such as the “Toledo War”, what state was initially called the “Jefferson Territory”, and how Nevada got away with stealing 18,000 square miles from the Arizona territory.

The Antipope - Robert Rankin

    1981; 284 pages.  Book 1 (out of 8) in the “Brentford Trilogy” series.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Absurdism; Humorous Fiction; Far-Fetched Fantasy.  Overall Rating : 7*/10.

 

    There’s something just a bit askew today in the charming West London neighborhood of Brentford.  Neville, the part-time barman at the Flying Swan, can feel it.

 

    No, it’s not any of the patrons at his pub.  As always, John Omally and Jim Pooley are trying to coax a free pint of ale out of him.  Old Pete is merrily drinking with his dog “Chips” and Soap Distant keeps going on about how the earth is a hollow sphere and he can get to the center of it just by going down the steps in his basement.

 

    Maybe it’s that new stranger in town, some tramp in sorry footwear who seems to materialize out of thin air, scaring the bejeezus out of everyone, and apologizing for doing so.  Maybe it’s Omally’s neighbor Archroy, whose wife has just traded his car for five magic beans.

 

    Nope, those aren't the sources of what’s changed.  It’s that dang brewery that supplies the alcoholic libations to the Flying Swan.  They want to redo the tavern's décor and turn it into an American wild west bar.  And what they want, they will get.

    Really guys?  Cowboy-and-Indian decorations in a West London pub?!

 

What’s To Like...

    Robert Rankin is a top-tier author in a genre he calls “far-fetched fiction”, and The Antipope is his debut novel, published way back in 1981.  We get introduced to Jim Pooley and John Omally, who are masters of wit and paragons of anti-heroics, and who also star in a number of other novels in the author's portfolio.

 

    Robert Rankin is British, which means this story is written in English, not American.  So there are things like aluminium and pedlars, kharma and windscreen-wipers, eyries and kerbs, etc.; and they might be fuelled, cosy, skilful, swopping, lustreless, and sombre.  I learned an old Latin motto: “auspicium melioris gevi” (which means “a hope for a better age”) and a handy Gaelic catchphrase: “pogue mahone” (which means… um, okay, google it.)

 

There are a number of interesting subplots for Jim and John to solve:

    a.) What happens if you plant those “magic beans”?

    b.) Who or what is that mysterious tramp with a bad taste in shoes?

    c.) What’s going on with Captain Carson and his “Mission scam”?

    d.) Is the Earth really hollow?

    e.) Are English tipplers ready for a Cowboy bar?

 

    It was enlightening to learn about “Page Three girls” (see below), and the mysterious and mystical fighting art of “Dimac”, the latter being a recurring gag in Robert Rankin books.  “Reekie’s Syndrome” and “The Brentford Shroud” both made me chuckle.  I was surprised by the brief nod to “Brylcreem” (do they still make that stuff?) and loved the titular reference to the historical Pope Alexander VI.

 

    The final showdown is entertainingly tense, although not particularly twisty.  Our pair of antiheroes are forced against their will to do something heroic, and get a bit of help from a friend.  That too is a recurring theme in books featuring Jim and John.  The final chapter is both a touching epilogue and an effective teaser.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Page Three Girl (n., phrase) : a woman who appears topless in some popular UK newspapers.

Others: Titfer (n., cockney rhyming); Vindaloo (n.), Barnet (n., cockney rhyming); Gobshite (n., vulgar), Flettons (n., plural); Alopecia (n.).

 

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.4/5 based on 189 ratings and 84 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.74/5 based on 5,013 ratings and 162 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    “Soap was telling me that flying saucers are manifestations of the static souls of bygone civilizations,” said Neville, who was not only pleased that the subject of Cowboy Night had been forgotten but was also a great stirrer.

    “I’ve heard that little gem on more than one occasion,” said John, “but you and I know that there is a logical and straightforward explanation for that particular phenomenon.”

    “There is?”

    “Of course, flying saucers are in fact nothing more than the chrome-plated helmets of five-mile high invisible fairy folk.”  (loc. 963)

 

    “By fire and water only may they be destroyed,” said the Professor.  “By fire and water and the holy word.”

    Pooley pulled at his sideburns.  “I will put a match to the blighters,” he said valiantly.

    “It is not as simple as that, it never is.  These beans are the symptom, not the cause.  To destroy them now would be to throw away the only hope we have of locating the evil force which brought them here.”

    “I don’t like the sound of this ‘we’ you keep referring to,” said Jim.  (loc. 4958)

 

Kindle Details…

    The Antipope sells for $6.99 at Amazon.  The other seven books in the trilogy (that is not a typo) go for either $3.99 or $6.99, and Robert Rankin also offers a bunch of other standalone novels, ranging from $2.99 to $7.99, plus his 2015 autobiography, I, Robert, priced at $9.00.

 

“If there are no spots on a sugar cube then I’ve just put a dice in my tea.”  (loc. 986)

    According to Wikipedia, The Antipope is actually a combination of several short stories by Robert Rankin, done in order to come up with a full-length novel which would then be hopefully picked up by a publishing house.

 

    The success of this effort is undeniable: it jumpstarted Robert Rankin’s career as a “Far-Fetched Fiction” novelist, and has since spawned more than three dozen books by him, many of which I’ve read and thoroughly enjoyed.

 

    Unfortunately, the patchworking of short stories shows through here.  Several plotlines, such as the hollow earth angle, enter the tale, tease the reader’s imagination, then drift off, never to be seen again or resolved.  Some, such as the cowboy-bar remodeling, simply have no relevance to the main “antipope” storyline and just serve to add pages to the book.

 

    But if the storytelling meanders a bit, Robert Rankin's writing skills save the day.  I still enjoyed tagging along with John and Jim as they save the world in spite of themselves.  My only caveat is: if you’ve never read any Robert Rankin books, this is not the one to read first.

 

    7 Stars.  A bit of music trivia to close things out,  The original name of the Celtic punk band The Pogues was the phrase cited above, Pogue Mahone, but as their popularity grew, they were forced to abandon that name due to BBC censorship.  Somehow that seems strangely fitting for them.