The Initiate - Louise Cooper

1985; 278 pages. Book #1 of the Time Master trilogy. New Author? : Yes. Genre : Epic Fantasy. Overall Rating : 6½*/10.

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Life is good. The Forces Of Chaos have been vanquished by the Forces Of Order, and the world is at peace.

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Well almost. Brigands and robbers make traveling in the wilds a risky undertaking, and they seem to be getting bolder and stronger. And you'd think the good wizards could do something about the Warp storms (torndao-sized hurricanes) that are getting more frequent.

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Then there's our protagonist, Tarod. Condemned in his homeland for killing his cousin, he escapes when a Warp sweeps him up and away. Near death, he is taken in at The Castle, where Order Magic is taught. Tarod shows a marked ability in that area, but mentally he's very unstable - he sees things and people that no one else does, and strange beings infest his dreams.

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What's To Like...

Louise Cooper raises some interesting questions about the Duality motif. Can you really have Light without Darkness? Do the Forces on both sides view themselves as being Right? Does the absence of Chaos weaken or strengthen Order?

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There's a handy reference map at the front of the book, although The Initiate only has about three settings. The characters are well-developed and Tarod has every guy's love dilemma. Who is best for him - the high-born, ambitious, sexy Sashka Veyyil, or the honest, low-born and frankly plain-looking Cyllan Anassan? Maybe both?

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The book has some slow stretches over the first 200 pages, but the last third is action-packed and moves the plot along nicely.

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Kewl New Words...

Skirling : producing a high, shrill, wailing sound. Stertorous : making a snoring sound. Coruscating : sparkling.

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Excerpts...

Silence enveloped them. Even the roar of the tide had been swallowed into nothing, and as the eastern sky turned pewter-dark the distant horizon was blurring into night. Kael forcibly reminded herself that they were still in the world as she knew it; the Castle's pecularities had simply altered time and space by a fraction. A useful precaution, under some circumstances... (pg. 32-33)

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"Order has become so ingrained in this sad little world that its servants no longer have a reason to exist. Oh, your Circle continues, and you pass on to your new Adepts the sum total of your centuries of knowledge. But with no adversary to stand against you, all your knowledge is worthless. With nothing to combat, no wrongs to right, you have no value. What are you, Keridil Toln? What is the justification for your existence in a world where Aeoris reigns unchallenged? To do his will, uphold his laws? His will is done and his laws upheld without the need of your intervention - you have no good reason to exist!" (pg. 182)

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A loaf of bread, an epic fate, and thou...

The overall theme - a reluctant hero who is uncomfortable with his preordained Fate - is similar to that of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. But The Initiate antedates The Wheel of Time by 5 years, so if anyone cribbed the concept, it certainly wasn't Ms. Cooper. The last 100 pages of The Initiate were great, and the Time Master trilogy has the potential to develop some intriguing Epic Fantasy themes. Alas, it seems just as likely to degenerate into some trite love story.

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For some reason, Louise Cooper books are hard-to-find. If I come across the next two in this trilogy (The Outcast and The Master), I'll probably pick them up. But Romance threatens to outstrip Epic Fantasy, and one wonders how much action will be found in a book called "The Outcast". Which means this isn't a series that I'll go out of my way to finish. 6½ Stars.

The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents - Terry Pratchett

2001; 340 pages. New Author? : No. Genre : Humor; YA Literature. Laurels : 2001 Carnegie Award for Children's Literature. Overall Rating : 9*/10.

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You start with a hundred or so rats that can talk and think. They got that way by eating from the trash heap outside the wizards' Unseen University. Add one cat (the Amazing Maurice) who can also talk and think. We won't discuss how he came to have the gift. Finally, throw in one stupid-looking kid who can play the flute passably poorly. Whattaya got?

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Nope, not the Pied Piper. But a slick scam that works in one town after another. Until our tricking troupe comes to Bad Blintz.

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Here, there are devilish rat traps and poisons, but no rats. Here, there are two full-time rat catchers who daily display their booty of rat tail "scalps". But those look strangely like dyed shoe laces. Here, the townspeople starve because they believe the rats are eating all the food. And behind all this lurks something dark. Something intelligent. Something evil. Something powerful.

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What's To Like...

The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents was Terry Pratchett's first book for Young Readers. It is set in Discworld, but is not considered to be part of that series. Death makes a small appearance (along with his associate, The Grim Squeaker), and Maurice and the rats apparently debuted earlier in Reaper Man (1991), but I haven't read that one yet.

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TAMAHER has a Shrek-esque ability to entertain both young and adult readers. I'm a little surprised that it is listed as a children's book because this isn't some sappy Care Bears tale. There are deaths, assaults, and animal cruelty to go along with the action and adventure.

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Strangely, I found it to be a bit less zany than a typical Discworld novel. It also has chapters, which is a rarity for Pratchett.

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Kewl New Words...

None, although young readers will want to keep a dictionary handy.

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Excerpts...

"You get coconuts," said the kid. "On desert islands. A man selling them told me."

"How?" said Maurice. He wasn't too sure about coconuts.

"I don't know. You just get them."

"Oh, I suppose they just grow on trees, do they?" said Maurice sarcastically. (pg. 18)

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Maurice tried to tell his thoughts to shut up. What a time to get a conscience! What good was a cat with a conscience? A cat with a conscience was a ... a hamster, or something. (pg. 172)

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Rat Catcher 2 fell to his knees. "Please, young sir! Have mercy! If not for me, please think of my dear wife and my four lovely children what'll be without their daddy!"

"You're not married," said Malicia. "You don't have any children!"

"I might want some one day!" (pg. 211)

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Stealing from a thief isn't stealing 'cos it cancels out. (pg. 9)

This is another Pratchett masterpiece, as he demonstrates that he is just as good when writing for a different target audience. There is plenty of action, lots of object lessons, fun characters, sufficient suspense, a tidy ending, and heaps of wit.

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The worst I can say is that it might not be appropriate for sensitive juvenile readers. For everyone else, including those reading it to their children, it will be a treat. 9 Stars.

The Beekeeper's Apprentice - Laurie R. King

1994; 405 pages. First in the Mary Russell/Sherlock Holmes series. Genre : Mystery. New Aurthor? : Yes. Overall Rating : 6*/10.

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Beware, criminal element! There's a new crime-fighting team afoot. Old and retired Sherlock Holmes has taken on a 15-year-old precocious protégée, Mary Russell. It'll take her a couple years to learn all about footprints, fibers, disguises, tailing suspects, tobaccos, chemistry (yay!), and the several hundred types of soils in London. Oh, and she ought to learn about bombs, too. Since someone is trying to blow Holmes and everyone associated with him (including protégées) up.

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What's To Like...

Most of the familiar gang is here - Dr. Watson, Mrs. Hudson, Inspector Lestrade, and my personal favorite - brother Mycroft. The Baker Street Irregulars aren't, but one gets the feeling they'll show up pretty soon in one of the sequels.

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The unlikely pairing of sleuths works, although it means the book starts off sluggishly as Mary learns the trade. The first case doesn't start until page 59, and you don't get to the main case (there are three of them) until the book's halfway over. But at least Mary is quicker on the uptake than Stephanie Plum. ;-)

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Laurie King mimics the detecting style of Holmes quite well, but the cases themselves lack the complexity of an Arthur Conan Doyle story. See for example, The Adventure Of The Speckled Band. We will cut some slack here, as this is the debut book in the series. One hopes the mysteries "deepen" as the series progresses. OTOH, the one puzzle to solve is incredibly unfathomable. Don't waste your time trying to decipher it; just let Mary do it.

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And a quick note to Ms. King. Your padding of the Amazon-US and Amazon-Canada reviews of this book is both blatant and excessive. I'm cool with a few self-promoting blurbs there; but when you hit triple digits, give it a rest. Also, you forgot about Amazon-UK.

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Kewl New Words...

Peripatetic : walking around. Peroration : a flowery and highly rhetorical oration. Weald : an area of open or forested countryside (British). Sybaritic : marked by pleasure and luxury. Asperity : with severity or harshness. Vulpine : cunning like a fox. Patristics : the writings of the early Church fathers.

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Excerpts...

I returned to Oxford the following week-end, to a winter term that was much the same as the autumn weeks had been, only more so. My main passions were becoming theoretical mathematics and the complexities of Rabbinic Judaism, two topics that are dissimilar only on the surface. (pg. 54)

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He let himself out into the hallway, then put his head back in the door. "By the way, don't touch that machine on the desk. It's a bomb." (pg. 185)

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"Oh. How is your back?"

"Damn my back, I do wish you would stop harping on the accursed thing. If you must know, I had it serviced again this afternoon by a retired surgeon who does a good line in illegal operations and patching up gunshot wounds. He found very little to do on it, told me to go away, and I find the topic tiresome."

I was pleased to hear his mood so improved. (pg. 241)

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When faced with the unthinkable, one chooses the merely impossible. (pg. 300)

Laurie King makes some changes to the Conan Doyle format. Sherlock Holmes is "cleaner" - he's kicked his drug habits, and has acquired at least a semblance of Alan Alda sensitivity. Also, it doesn't take a matchmaker to sense a budding romance. OTOH, Watson fares poorly here, and the Ultimate Evil is not very ...well... Ultimate.

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The Beekeeper's Apprentice is a decent, but not a great, addition to Holmesian literature. Your rating of the book will depend a lot on how much of a Conan Doyle "purist" you are. I happen to be a pretty staunch one. Will the mysteries get more complex as the series progresses? Or will it schlep into just another forgettable variation of chick-lit? We shall see. The book was sufficiently interesting to merit reading at least one more installment. 6 Stars.

Napoleon's Pyramids - William Dietrich

2007; 380 pages. Genre : Action; Cri-Fi; Historical Fiction. New Author? : Yes. Overall Rating : 6½*/10.

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It's 1798, France is in the post-revolution doldrums, they're at war with all their neighbors, and one of their upstart generals, Napoleon Bonaparte, decides to invade Egypt. His stated aim is to bring cultural enlightenment to the poor, backward Egyptians. But he also wants to threaten British trade interests as far awaay as India.

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Accompanying the Little Corporal are a host of civilian professionals - chemists (yay!), mathematicians, zoologists, civil engineers, etc. One of them is our hero, Ethan Gage, who is the "electricity expert". But he's also along for protection. He recently won a strange medallion in a card game that lots of evil-doers seem to think is worth killing him for.

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What's To Like...

There's a kewl pic of the mysterious medallion right on the front cover for easy reference. There's lots of action, some puzzles to be fathomed, and if you're into Egyptian mysteries, this is a book for you.

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Frankly, what I liked the most about this book was its historical fiction. There are a bunch of books about the Reign of Terror, and a bunch about Napoleon meeting his Waterloo. But very few focus on the time in between. The guillotines have fallen silent, and Napoleon is still consolidating his power. How many books have you read about his campaign into Egypt?

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Ethan Gage is okay as our hero. On one hand, he occasionally misses when shooting - once trying to kill a Mameluke attacker, he hits a camel instead. OTOH, Ethan's luckier than all get out (which is attributed to Destiny), and apparently smarter than all the French, British, and Egyptians combined. Of course, he's American, which explains everything.

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Also, the Historical Fiction and the Cri-Fi genres don't blend well. We start with 50 pages of medallion madness, then switch almost exclusively to the war campaign for 250 pages, then drop it like a hot patootie and spend the last 100 pages back on the quest for the Ultimate Artifact.

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Kewl New Words...

Nostrum : a purported (but ineffective) cure-all; snake-oil. Flinders : (to break or fly into) splinters or fragments.

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Excerpts...

Was it any wonder that I'd taken the risk of returning to Paris? Who cannot love a capital that has three times as many winemakers as bakers? (pg. 4)

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...then again it was a dusky and colorful group, of vests and shawls and scarves and jewelry, including an ankh here and a figurine of dog-headed Anubis there. Their women might not be Cleopatra, but they certainly had an alluring beauty. What lovemaking secrets might they know? I pondered that question for some moments. I am, after all, a scientist. (pg. 56)

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"You're a bloody pagan."

"And what is a pagan? If you look at the origin of the word, it means country dweller, a person of nature who lives to the rhythm of seasons and the sun. If that is paganism, then I am a fervent believer."

"And a believer in what else, exactly?"

"That lives have purpose, that some knowledge is best left guarded, and some power sheathed and unused. Or, if released, that it be used for good." (pg. 171)

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There's always a chance to get rich during war. (pg.5)

I thoroughly enjoyed William Dietrich's treatment of Napoleon - his character, his comrades, his charisma, his conquests, and his catastrophes. I almost wish this had been a straight-up piece of Historical Fiction. The puzzles and mysteries seemed trite. How many times must we learn the secrets of the pyramids and the riddle of the Sphinx?

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Napoleon's Pyramids is the first half of a duology (I knew this going in), and ends awkwardly. There's a cliffhanger finale, but no "story within a story" is wrapped up. And consider that third excerpt again. I don't need to read the sequel to know the fate of the Ultimate Artifact. It's gonna be locked away so that guys wearing black hats cannot misuse its power. I'm very tired of that type of ending.

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So I may or may not get around to the concluding book, The Rosetta Key. I'm much more anxious to find some of Dietrich's "pure" Historical Fiction. He has a book about Attila the Hun called The Scourge Of God; and another called Hadrian's Wall. Those sound very kewl. We'll give this 6½ stars, because it's really not a bad read. But Steve Berry doesn't have to worry about being bumped out as my favorite Action author.

Coyote Blue - Christopher Moore

1994; 294 pages. New Author? : No. Genre : Fiction; Humor. Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

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Years ago, Native American Sam Hunter was forced to flee the Crow reservation to avoid being arrested for murder. Happily, he is quite comfortable living as a successful salesman in Los Angeles. That is, until the trickster god, Coyote, (think "Loki") shows up to "help" Sam. And with help like Coyote's, who needs any troubles?

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What's To Like...

This is an early Christopher Moore novel. The humor is a bit less zany than in his two Vampire books, bit there is still a plethora of warm chuckles.

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The book gives you a taste of life on the reservation, without getting all Sally Struthers melodramatic about it. There are some kewl mytholology references, and a bunch of insightful tangents (such as garage sale shoppers who won't take 'No' for an answer) that will make you laugh.

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As with most Moore books, Coyote Blue is, at its core, a love story. Calliope Kincaid is a scatter-brained flower child who has a kid she loves, a biker ex, and has dabbled in just about every religion under the sun. A perfect match for an insurance salesman.

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Kewl New Words (and Phrases)...

Bindle : slang for a folded piece of paper that contains illegal (usually powdered) drugs. Counting coup : winning prestige on the battlefield by acts of defiant bravery in the face of the enemy. Forty-Nine Party : a gathering at which 49 tribal songs are played to honor veterans.

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Excerpts...

Calliope Kincaid waited on the steps of the Tangerine Tree Café thinking about the past lives of lizards. A small, brown alligator lizard was sunning himself on the planter box by the steps and his lidless eyes, glazed but seeing, reminded Calliope of a picture of Jimi Hendrix that her mother had kept next to the bed when she was growing up. She wondered if this lizard could be an incarnation of Jimi, and what he must feel like living in the planter box in front of a café, eating bugs and hiding, after being a rock star. (pg. 49. it turns out the lizard was actually Jim Morrison in a previous life).

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"We can do this," he said. "We'll get him back."

"I know," she said.

"You do?"

She nodded, wiping oatmeal off her chin with a napkin. "That's the scary thing about hope," she said. "If you let it go too long it turns into faith." (pg. 235)

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"We're going to Billings first, to get something."

"It's depressing. You won't like it. There's a big cliff in Billings that was a buffalo jump, but our people never drove the herds over it. The buffalo used to go up to the edge and say, 'Oh, no, it's Billings', then they'd just jump over out of depression. Nope, you don't want to go to Billings." (pg. 259. there really is a big cliff overlooking Billings.)

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Gabriella, Gabriella,

As fair as salmonella. (pg. 21)

I enjoyed Coyote Blue. The writing is excellent; the characters are well-developed and likeable; amd the storyline is well thought-out. There are some great similes scattered throughout ("he was using the road like a buttered harlot - he was all over the place while trying to stay in the middle..."); and Minty Fresh, whom I met in (the later) A Dirty Job, makes his debut here. 8½ Stars.

The Embedding - Ian Watson

1973; 217 pages. Genre : Sci Fi. Laurels : Prix Apollo (1975). New Author? : Yes. Overall Rating : 5*/10.

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At a secret institute, test-lab children are given computer-scrambled instructions and intellect-enhancing drugs to see if they will invent their own language. Deep in the Amazon rainforest, an isolated tribe ingests a powerful local fungus to lapse into a heightened variant of their tongue. In outer space, beings are headed towards earth to barter for our languages. Can Ian Watson tie all of this together into a coherent story and wrap it up in slightly over 200 pages? Hmm.

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What's To Like...

The main theme here is unusual for Sci-Fi - developmental linguistics and its role in both culture and the cosmos. Which is great if you're into such things. Tolkien was, as evidenced by his inventing all sorts of languages for his various creatures.

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The Situational Ethics sub-themes are even more fascinating. Is it okay to pluck babies out of abject poverty and use them as lab rats? Should we swap six still-living brains (that use six different languages) for interplanetary travel technology? Can we build a huge lake in Brazil, if it means destroying the culture and existence of dozens of indigenous tribes? And if so, can we then blow it up for political whims, without asking the Brazilians for permission?

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You even get to meet the aliens, who are neither omnipotent, omniscient, omni-stoic, nor omni-naive. How kewl is that? There's a goodly amount of action, and a decent ending which still allows for a sequel, although I don't believe Ian Watson ever penned one.

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Kewl New Words...

Molecast : another name for a molehill. Scurf : a collection of flakes, scales, or tree needles covering a surface of something. Albedo : the fraction of light (or radiation) reflected back from the earth or other body into space. Epiphytic : of a plant (such as an orchid) that grows on another plant but is not parasitic. Boma : an enclosure for animals; a corral. Nictitating : rapidly blinking the eyes. Trank : slang for to tranquiilize. (I shooda figured that one out). Saturnine : bitter; scornful. Farrago : a hodgepodge of something; a mishmash.

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Excerpts...

He was a small, once muscular man, whose muscles had turned to flab since his days in the army; whose hair had thinned out since then, till it lay plastered stickily over his scalp in short brown fronds - a wet, serrated, dying leaf. The knobby upturned end of his nose stood out from his features, softened with large greasy pores and slightly too large - as though he'd spent a few years with a finger up each nostril stretching them. (pg. 18)

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"Christ, you're not thinking of using nuclear explosives?"

"Nuclear's just a word, Chris - don't get all worked up about a word. They're only one kiloton apiece." (pg. 155)

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"Why can't you people trade-assess properly? If your culture revered the corpse, as the Xorghil dust-whales do, things would be different. These dust-whales are the sentient patterns imposed on the densest dust of a bright nebula, who tow their dying individuals towards a stellar contraction pool where their dead bodies may finally be compacted into a star and reborn as light. They care. But your culture cares nothing for corpses." (pg. 161)

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"They're stoned out of their minds! (...) That's one way to greet the end of the world. (pg. 151)

The Embedding was a bold, new turn in Science Fiction in 1973. Deep concepts were presented and tough questions were asked. I thought it was an interesting read, yet it never reached out and grabbed me. Some of the technical mumbo-jumbo was hard to follow, and is tedious if you're not into theoretical linguistics.

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If you're one of those who learned to speak Klingon, you will probably find this a great book. If you're interested in how sci-fi literature evolved through the years, this is an important milepost. Everybody else may find space alien entymology freaks to be a bit of a stretch. 5 Stars.

The Spellman Files - Lisa Lutz

2007; 358 pages. Genre : Dysfunctional Comedy. New Author? : Yes. Laurels : NYT Bestseller. Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

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Meet the Spellmans. Mom and Dad (Olivia and Albert) run a family-business Private Investigating company. They have 3 children. David (age 30) has been a perfect human being his whole life. Isabel (26) is the black sheep of the family and the narrator of the story. Rae (14) is a negotiating guru. All three children are/were also employees of the family business, and are adept at surveillance, running identity checks, and (when they're not spying for clients) spying on each other..

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The Spellman Files recounts Isabel's misadventures in this whacked-out family, and her efforts to live a normal life. Fat chance..

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What's To Like...

This is a laughs-on-every-page book. There are Isabel's (Izzy's) ten ex-boyfriends, the tattoo-loving best friend, and the vain attempts to get out from under the prying eyes of the rest of the family, especially when it comes to keeping current boyfriends. The footnotes are a hoot too. The 20-page recounting the "tennis wars" will have you ROTFL.

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The characters are likable and well-developed. Almost too well-developed. The first half of TSF is nothing more than a giant backstory. A cold case plot finally arrives around page 200, wanders among more of Izzy's life story, and joins up around page 300 with a subplot involving a sibling disappearance. Both plots eventually resolve themselves, but without any real build-up to a climax.
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Kewl New Words...

Only one, and I've looked it up before. Sartorial : pertaining to a tailor or tailoring. One of these days, that word will take root in my mind.

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Excerpts...

"Good morning, Isabel."

"Dad, what are you doing up so early?"

"I thought I'd watch the sun rise."

"How'd it go?"

"I missed it by a half hour. Who knew it was so early?"

"Are you deliberately blocking my path out the door?"

"Yes." (pg. 150)

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Officer Glenn introduced himself and his partner, Officer Jackson, then offered my father a warm handshake and said, "Good evening, sir. Is this your daughter?"

"That depends. What did she do?"

"We received an anonymous tip that a young woman matching your daughter's description was following random people around in the vicinity of Polk Street. Shortly thereafter, we found Emily following an elderly couple on Nob Hill. While that is not a crime, we consider it a somewhat unusual activity for a young lady at this time of night."

"Honey," said my father, "you don't give officers of the law a fake name." (pg. 163)

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The family that surveils together prevails together.

Because they're both PI's, Lisa Lutz's Isabel Spellman will inevitably be compared to Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum. Which is unfair, since they're not of the same genre. You'll find Ms. Plum in the "Mystery" section, and Izzy in "Fiction/Literature".

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I've read some of both series, and each has its merits,. I agree with the bookstores. The Spellman Files is not primarily a mystery, and if you read it for that purpose, you may be disappointed. But as a work of dysfunctional comedy (a genre I just coined), it succeeds nicely. It made me laugh, the characters are engaging, and I'm left wanting to read the sequels. 8½ stars.

Sidetracked - Henning Mankell

1995 (Swedish) & 1999 (English); 421 pages. Laurels : 1995 Swedish Crime Writers Academy (Best Crime Novel); 2001 Crime Writers Association (Best Crime Novel). New Author? : No. Genre : Crime Fiction (Police Procedural). Overall Rating : 8*/10.

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It's been a tough two days for Detective Kurt Wallander. Yesterday he watched helplessly as a girl poured a gallon of gasoline over her head and lit a match. Today he's investigating why someone axed a retired Swedish statesman to death and then scalped him. He had hoped to go on vacation in a couple weeks, but that seems unlikely now.

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What's To Like...

This is a police procedural, not a whodunit. Mankell tells the story from both Wallander's and the killer's perspective, so you learn pretty quickly the identity of the latter. Then it's a matter of watching how Wallander works to catch the crafty killer.

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The pacing of the book is good, and there's enough action (mostly killings) throughout to avoid any dull stretches. The story is set in the Swedish summertime, which is a pleasant break from Mankell's earlier drab, wintry novels. There's a helpful map included, although some of the small towns mentioned are omitted. The translator did a good job, other than misspelling "dialled" and hyphenating "no-one".

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The ending is a bit weak, although you could instead call it realistic. The only minus is the killer-goes-after-the-protagonist cliché; but eventually he changes his plan, so I guess that's okay too.

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Kewl New Words...

Only one. Bollard : a thick post on a wharf used for attaching mooring lines.

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Excerpts...

Wallander squatted by the low telephone stand. Next to the phone was the remote control for the TV. Wetterstedt could talk on the phone and watch TV at the same time, he thought. Just like me. We live in a world where people can't bear not to change channel and talk on the phone at the same time. (pg. 67)

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"I wonder what kind of summer it'll be this year," he said.

"My grandmother in Almhult predicts the weather," said Hoglund. "She says it's going to be long, hot and dry."

"Is she usually right?"

"Almost always."

"I think it'll be the opposite. Rainy and cold and crappy."

"Can you predict the weather too?"

"No." (pg. 219)

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"He might have another gun," Svedberg said. "He might try to take you hostage. I don't like this. (...) What does he want?"

"Maybe he's stupid enough to try and make a deal with us. People think Sweden is just like the United States." (pg. 411)

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It's best to be hunting insane killers in the autumn. In the summer give me a good old-fashioned bomber. (pg. 367)

Sidetracked is another solid effort by Henning Mankell. Wallander is still messed up - he gets the hots for a female vicar (it was the outfit), yet has trouble speaking on the phone to his current GF. At least he's no longer burnt out with the job.

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The killer has an amazing set of skills which strains the limits of believability. But it's not impossible, and his rationale for axing/scalping is interesting and plausible. Everything ties together nicely at the end, and once again Mankell adds some social commentary about life in Sweden. All in all, a good police procedural, worthy of the awards it garnered. 8 Stars.

Take Back Plenty - Colin Greenland

1990; 484 pages. Genre : Sci-Fi (Space Opera). New Author? : Yes. Laurels : Arthur C. Clarke, Eastercon, and British Sci-Fi Association Awards (all in 1990). Overall Rating : 8*/10.

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Okay. Start with the Star Wars scenario, but we're going to follow Han Solo & his spaceship instead of Luke & Leia. Now change Han's gender and ditch the Wookie. Limit the traveling world to our Solar System and let our hero have all the sex she wants. That pretty much sets the Take Back Plenty scene.

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Tabitha Jute is an astral barge-driver who's just trying to make ends meet and keep her ship running. When she's offered a tidy sum to take a performing troupe to Triton, it seems like easy money. But there wouldn't be a story if that turned out to be the case, would there?

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What's To Like...

The characters will keep you interested; the storyline will keep you guessing; and the action comes fast enough and often enough to keep you reading. Some of the Good Guys don't make it, and some of the Bad Guys do, and there's a lot of hat-changing along the way. And just who is narrating the tale?

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But it's the detailed descriptions of the various worlds that really sets TBP apart from classic science fiction. I love Andre Norton stories, but goodness, her worlds are paper-thin. If this is what defines the term "space opera" (and there is no consensus on that), then it's a welcome bit of genre evolution.

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OTOH, Take Back Plenty has explicit sex, drugs, the F-word, booze, and a sexual assault or two. If that's what "space opera" means, then it may not be to everyone's taste. Personally, I thought it worked here.

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Kewl New Words...

There were dozens of them. Purlieu : the outlying part of a city. Felucca : a swift, narrow sailing vessel. Superannuated : too old to be useful. Chapati : flat, pancake-like bread that's cooked on a grill. Gantry : a metal framework. Tenebrous : dark & gloomy. Perineum : well this is a family blog, so you'll have to google or wiki this. Ablute : a washroom. Caprine : goatlike. Coulisses : hallways. Carbuncular : resembling a sore. Fatuus : phosphorescent light. Psittacoid : birdlike. Purulent : pus-like. Crepuscular : dim. Profligate : recklessly wasteful. Viridian : a blue-green pigment. Libration : a slow oscillation of a satelite. Kipple : a collection of useless objects. Abattoir : a slaughterhouse. Ordure : solid, excretory product. Macrocephalic : having an exceptionally large head and brain. Collocutor : any person who is engaged in a conversation.

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Excerpts...

Carnival is Schiaparelli. The canals are thronged with tour buses, the bridges festooned with banners. Balloons escape and fireworks fly. The city seethes in the smoky red light. Though officers of the Eladeldi can be seen patrolling everywhere, pleasure is the only master. Shall we go to the Ruby Pool? To watch the glider duels over the al-Kazara? Or to the old city, where the cavernous ancient silos throb with the latest raga, and the wine of Astarte quickens the veins of the young and beautiful? A thousand smells, of sausages and sweat, phosphorus and patchouli, mingle promiscuously in the arcades. Glasses clash and cutlery clutters in the all-night cantinas where drunken revellers confuse the robot waiters and flee along the colonnades, their bills unpaid, their breath steaming in the thin and wintry air. (pg. 7. Is that a fantastic description, or what?!)

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The Capellans didn't prohibit research, not in so many words; they simply assured humankind that for them with their small brains, the mechanics of hyperspatial foreshortening would be incomprehensible. Those who persisted discovered the drives' disconcerting tendency to implode or deliquesce at the merest touch of a screwdriver. If you did manage to open one, it would turn out to be full of dead leaves. (pg. 62)

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God, you were a mess, Alice. Birds' nests in your aerials, bindweed in your undercarriage. The ground beneath you was sticky and black where all your oil had leaked away. The fog had got at you and rusted your compressor vanes and the airlock seals had all perished.

I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. (pg. 445)

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"Salami minestrone... there's whisky in the jar..." (pg. 83)

Take Back Plenty is a complex story that will keep you on your toes. Yet it's also a fun read. The ending is good, and leaves some loose ends with which to forge a sequel and a threequel. Which do exist if you can find them.

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My main question is why this book, which kicked butt in 1990 for British Sci-Fi awards, is now so little-remembered. There are only three reviews of it at Amazon, and only one at Amazon-UK. Methinks someone needs to get a new publishing company. 8 Stars.

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Trivia Teaser : Tabitha's ship is called the Alice Liddell, and is named for a real, historical person. Who was she? (Answer in the comments)

Curious Notions - Harry Turtledove

2004; 272 pages. Book #2 of the "Crosstime Traffic" series. New Author? : No. Genre : Alt-History, YA (kinda). Overall Rating : 4½*/10.

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In the late 21st century, our timeline learns how to dimension-hop into parallel wotlds. Which is good, because we are suffering from an acute food shortage. So we buy produce and grain in alternate timelines, while selling them technology that is outmoded to us (VCR's, cassette tape decks, etc.), but slightly more advanced than what they have.

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Lawrence Gomes and his teenage son, Paul, run one of the Crosstime buy/sell fronts in an alternate San Francisco, where Germany won WW1 and now rules the world, including the USA. But the Crosstime operation is put in jeopardy - indeed, the whole dimension-hopping process is at risk - when the German occupiers start wondering where this 2-bit family shop is getitng all of its amazing gadgets.

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What's To Like...

The whole idea of parallel worlds (but all at the same point in time) is a typical Turtledove brilliancy. He postulates that a new world is formed at every critical juncture in history. So there are hundreds of alternate universes out there.

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I found the storyline to be believable. There's more action in Curious Notions than there was in the first book, Gunpowder Empire, reviewed here. And although this #2 in a series that now has about 6 books, each one appears to be a stand-alone story.

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Turtledove also made this a G-Rated book. There are no drugs, sex, death, blood, gore, or cussing. The parents of the two teenage protagonists are called "Dad" and "Mom", and although we the readers can see love budding between the kids, there isn't so much as a peck on the cheek. Even the interrogation sessions are ridiculously clean. 'If you don't talk, I'm going to shine this really, really bright light in your eyes.'

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Kewl New Words...

Only one, and it's a bit of an inside joke. Fasarta. Good luck on finding it defined anywhere. It appears to be a nonsense techno-geeky word from Robert Heinlein's Door Into Summer. Harry Turtledove reportedly is a big fan of Heinlein's, and this is his way of giving Heinlein a tip of the old hat.

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Excerpts...

People in San Francisco sold anything that moved. If you stepped away from your shadow for a minute, they'd pry it off the sidewalk and try to sell it back to you. (pg. 27)

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"You would do well not to make the Kaiser's government suspect you," the big Feldgendarmie man said. "Next time, you may not be so lucky."

"But I didn't do anything," Lucy's father said.

"If you had not done anything, we would not have arrested you." The German sounded just as sure as if he'd said the sun would come up in the morning. "Just because we cannot prove it does not prove a thing." He also sounded sure he made sense. (pg. 70)

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...this wasn't his San Francisco. For the USA in this alternate, it was a first-rate city. But this USA was a second-rate country, and this San Francisco felt second-rate to him. The town he was used to bounced. This one ... lurched. (pg. 209)

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He was, in a word, bored. In two words, very bored. (pg. 209)

Turtledove wrote Curious Notions to be a YA novel, but I think it should be classified as "Juvenile Fiction". If you know a tweenager who likes Alternate History, this may be a great read for him. But if he's in 8th Grade or higher, he'll likely find this book too dumbed-down and repetitive. Adults should probably avoid this series entirely. 4½ Stars.

Still Life With Woodpecker - Tom Robbins

1980; 277 pages. New Author? : No. Genre : Modern Lit; Humor. Overall Rating : 9½*/10.

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Leigh-Cheri, the exiled and virginal Furstenberg-Barcalona princess, heads to Maui to attend Care Fest, where she hopes to learn all about ecology, meditation, vitamins, and UFO's. Instead, she crosses paths with outlaw-bomber Bernard Mickey Wrangle, who introduces her to Love. But the question is - how do you make Love last?

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What's To Like...

There's humor on every page. The storyline is great, and the ending doesn't disappoint. At its core, Still Life With Woodpecker is a romance, yet both male and female readers will find it appealing. And it does answer the primal question - how to make Love stay.

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The pacing is nice, but Robbins also finds time to go off on a slew of tangents, discussing a wide range of topics such as the difference between an outlaw and a criminal; the lost continent of Mu; how to make bombs from everyday components (Such as a deck of cards. Eat your heart out, McGyver!); an improved plotline to The Grapes of Wrath; the cosmological contrast between the Sun and the Moon; why redheads always seem so weird; and last but not least - the many mystical messages hidden on the cover of a pack of Camel cigarettes.

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Then there are the groan-inducing similes. Some examples : "teardrops bucked out of Leigh-Cheri's eyes like bronco amoebae leaving the chutes in a biology lab rodeo". Or "his lower lip quivered like a snail that had just learned the meaning of escargot." There are dozens more.

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Kewl New Words...

Fimbrillate : having small or tiny hinges. Fecundity : fertility. Renifleur : a person turned on or gratified by certain odors. Cromlech : a prehistoric monument consisting of monoliths encircling a (burial) mound. Sidereal : relating to stars or constellations.

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Excerpts...

His wife, the Queen, once the beauty of seven capitals, was understimulated and overweight. She had attended, in America, so many second-rate society teas, charity fashion shows, and gala this and gala thats, that she'd begun to exude a kind of paté de fois gras gas, and the expulsion of this effluvium propelled her from party to ball as if she were a sausage skin inflated by Wagner. (pg 5-6)

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The Furstenberg-Barcalona homeland was now ruled by a right-wing military junta, supported by the United States government and, of course, the Roman Catholic Church. While the U.S. publicly regretted that the junta permitted so few civil liberties, it was loath to interfere in the internal affairs of a sovereign nation, particularly a nation that could be relied upon as an ally against those left-leaning nations in whose internal affairs the U.S. did regularly interfere. (pg. 7)

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That year, spring came to the Puget Sound country as it frequently does, like a bride's maid climbing a greased pole. After a gradual, precarious ascent, spring, in a triumph of frills and blooms and body heat, would seem ot have finally arrived, only to suddenly slide down into the mud again, leaving winter's wet flag flapping stiffly and singularly at the top of the seasonal staff. Then, girlish bosom heaving, spring would shinny slowly back up the pole. (pg. 148)

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"Outlaws are the can openers in the supermarket of life." (pg. 65)

Tom Robbins' style in Still Life With Woodpecker reminds me a lot of Kurt Vonnegut, with some Terry Pratchett humor added for flavor, and a dash of Charles Bukowski stirred in for spice. For me, this novel was funny, insightful, and interesting; all without taking itself too seriously. Its R-Rated portions may offend some; and others may tire of its tangents. I thought everything came together just fine.

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So if you are bummed because Vonnegut has passed on and there will never be a sequel to The Sirens of Titan, be of good cheer, and give this book a try. 9½ Stars.

Fragile Things - Neil Gaiman

2006; 355 pages. Full Title : Fragile Things: Short Fictions and Wonders. New Author? : No. Genre : Anthology; Fantasy. Awards : 2007 Locus Award for Best Collection. Overall Rating : 6½*/10.

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A collection of 31 Gaiman-penned short stories, poems and one novella, all of which were published previously. There are aliens and vampires, horror and humor, sock monkeys and Scheherazade, Sherlock Holmes and H.P. Lovecraft. The latter are paired in a single story.

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What's To Like...

A slew of twisty tales from the fertile mind of Neil Gaiman. These aren't Gaiman rejects - four of the stories won Hugo or Locus Awards. Some are light-hearted, others dark. A few bordered on being lewd, which was a new side of Gaiman for me. The introductions to each one, containing background on why he wrote it, are really interesting.

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The Best of the Bunch...

October In The Chair - The 12 months meet to tell themed stories to each other, and tonight, October tells a ghost story. Beautifully done. My Life - A bit of prose written to accompany a picture of a sock monkey. A great example of Gaiman's storytelling skills. Feeders & Eaters - A cannibal romance. The Day The Saucers Came - Just how many things can go wrong on the day the world comes to an end? The Monarch of the Glen - A mini-sequel to American Gods, with Shadow going to Scotland.

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Kewl New Words...

Kedgeree : a dish of rice, hard-boiled eggs, and flaked fish. Guying (vb.) : making fun of. Foeter : a rotting mess (I think). Cachinnation : loud, convulsive laughter. Scatty : rattlebrained. Frottage : rubbing the body against another person for sexual gratification. Bowdlerize : to remove material from a book to make it less vulgar or offensive. Scumble : to soften the colors or outlines of something. Bifurcated : divided into two parts. Tachyon (adj.) : technically, of a hypothetical subatomic particle that travels faster than the speed of light. But here it was "tachyon swans". Tontine : a form of life insurance where, on the death of a participant, his share is destributed to the remaining members of the group. Bothy : a small, primitive hut out in the countryside, left unlocked and available for anyone to use free of charge.

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Excerpts...

"The brides!" came the whisper from beyond the door, and it redoubled and resounded until it seemed to her that the very house itself throbbed and echoed to the beat of those words - two syllables invested with longing, and with love, and with hunger.

Amelia bit her lip. "Aye. The brides. I will bring thee brides. I shall bring brides for all."

... And then one ghost voice hissed, "Yes, and do you think we could get her to throw in a side order of those little bread roll things?" (pg. 59-60)

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"I was never much of a one for cats," he said suddenly. "Not really. I liked dogs. Big, faithful things. You knew where you were with a dog. Not cats. Go off for days on end, you don't see them. When I was a lad, we had a cat, it was called Ginger. There was a family down the street, they had a cat they called Marmalade. Turned out it was the same cat, getting fed by all of us. Well, I mean. Sneaky little buggers. You can't trust them." (pg. 224-225)

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"We knew that it would soon be over, and so we put it all into a poem, to tell the universe who we were, and why we were here, and what we said and did and thought and dreamed and yearned for. We wrapped our dreams in words and patterned the words so that they would live forever, unforgettable. Then we sent the poem as a pattern of flux, to wait in the heart of a star, beaming out its message in pulses and bursts and fuzzes across the electromagnetic spectrum, until the time when, on worlds a thousand sun systems distant, the pattern would be decoded and read, and it would become a poem once again." (pg. 266)

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But where does cantagion end and art begin? (pg. 267)

Like any anthology, Fragile Things has its gems and its paste, and two readers might disagree on which stories are which. Like all short stories, character development and plot depth are sacrificed for the sake of a quick-moving tale. It is no coincidence that the crown jewel here, The Monarch of the Glen, is also the longest story - 54 pages in length.

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Fragile Things won't supplant whatever is currently your favorite Gaiman book, and some of the "rawer" stories and language may not be to everyone's taste. This is definitely not a book for the kiddies. If you've never read a Gaiman book, don't start here. Yet every reader will find some of the stories to be really good, and for those Gaimaniacs among us, this is a worthy collection. 6½ Stars.

Pompeii - Robert Harris

2003; 346 pages. New Author? : No. Genres : Historical fiction, Mystery, Action. Overall Rating : 7*/10.

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The aqueduct-carried water at Misenum has gone bad - it's killing the fish and reeks of sulfur (sulfide, actually). Something has happened upstream and it's up to Attilius, the new aquarius (aqueduct engineer) to find it and fix it. Could it have anything to do with a smoldering Mt. Vesuvius? Probably not, since Pompeii, at the base of the volcano, reports that their water is just fine.

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What's To Like...

Our hero is an engineer, how kewl is that?! The co-star is a historical figure - Pliny the Elder - and to a certain degree, he steals the show. He's been a soldier and a statesman; he's still a scientist an admiral, and a writer. And he's about to lock horns with Mother Nature. Who will win?

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Best of all, Robert Harris gives you a wonderful "feel" for life in the ancient Roman Empire. From the water clocks and water organs to the home life and marketplaces, you really do get a sense of "being there". Even the anachronistic candles can be forgiven.

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You get a storyline with each genre. There is fun with aqueducts for the Historical Fiction. The mystery is what has happened to Exomnius, Attilius' predecessor, who vanished one day without a trace. And the action of course is Vesuvius herself. She's getting ready to blow. Harris deftly ties all these lines together for a coherent story.

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Kewl New Words...

Pergola : an arbor with a framework that supports climbing plants. Hypocaust : an ancient Roman system of central heating. Dyspeptic : morose. Centuriated : pertaining to a Roman practice of dividing up the countryside around a newly established colony into (100) square lots and giving them to the colonists. Demobbed : demobilized. Here : demobbed legionaires. Afflatus : the blowing on someone or something by air or other vapors.

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Excerpts...

Attilius had no time for gods. Boys with wings on their feet, women riding dolphins, graybeards hurling bolts of lightning off the tops of mountains in fits of temper - these were stories for children, not men. He placed faith instead in stones and water, and in the daily miracle that came from mixing two parts of slaked lime to five parts puteolanum - the local red sand - conjuring up a substance that would set underwater with a consistency harder than rock. (pg. 8)

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"Do you see that group of figures, reading in the shade beside the pool? They are philosophers." Torquatus found this very funny. "Some men breed birds as a pastime, others have dogs. The senator keeps philosophers!"

"And what species are these philosophers?"

"Followers of Epicurus. According to Cascus, they hold that man is mortal, the gods are indifferent to his fate, and therefore the only thing to do in life is enjoy oneself."

"I could have told him that for nothing." (pg. 91)

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Poor old Petronius. Too funny and stylish for his own good. In the end, Nero, suspecting his own imperial majesty was being subtly mocked, had eyed him for one last time through his emerald monocle and had ordered him to kill himself. But Petronius had succeeded in turning even that into a joke - opening his veins at the start of a dinner in his house at Cumae, then binding them to eat and to gossip with his friends, then opening them again, then binding them, and so on, as he gradually ebbed away. His last conscious act had been to break a fluorspar wine-dipper worth 300,000 sesterces, which the emperor had been expecting to inherit. That was style. That was taste. (pg 147)

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"May the gods protect us from an honest man." (pg. 209)

Pompeii is not Robert Harris' greatest book. (*) There are problems with each storyline/genre. The characters are 2-dimensional in the Aqueduct plotline. Attilius is pathetically good, and the two bad guys are pathetically evil. This would make it a good YA book, except that there is an obsession with genitalia throughout.

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The mystery of Epomnius is straightforward and dull. The action involving Mt. Vesuvius is great, but only gets going with 80 pages left. There is an exciting ending, but it is much too short. There's even some romance, but it's not well-developed at all.

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Still, as a piece of historical fiction, Pompeii is quite good. I enjoyed the Roman setting, the detailed science of Vesuvius erupting, and the biographical unfolding of Pliny's last days.

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Maybe Robert Harris reached these same conclusions, as presently he is working on Book 3 of a trilogy about Cicero. The first two books - Imperium (2006) and Conspirata (2009) are already out, but they haven't shown up at the used-book store yet. We'll give Pompeii 7 Stars - more if you're reading it for the History; less if you're reading it as a Mystery/Thriller.

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(*) : That would be Fatherland, a fantastic Alt-History thriller set in a world where Hitler won WW2. Highly recommended, and reviewed here.

The Name of the Wind - Patrick Rothfuss

2007; 722 pages. New Author? : Yes. Genre : Epic Fantasy. Awards : 2007 Quill Award - Best Sci-Fi/Fantasy. Book One of the Kingkiller Chronicle. Overall Rating : 8*/10.

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Once he was called Kvothe - meaning The Flame, The Thunder, The Kingkiller, The Arcane, and/or The Bloodless. Now he is simply Kote - a not-so-prosperous innkeeper in a backwater village. But the Chronicler wants to write his story, so that the legendary hero is not forgotten. And therein hangs a tale...

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What's To Like...

The Name of the Wind is the start of an epic. It's like A Song of Ice and Fire, but not as many characters to keep track of. It's like Wheel of Time, but purportedly will only be a trilogy. It's like Lord of the Rings, but there are no dwarves, elves, orcs, ents, or hobbits. But there are some evil critters, and the character of Kvothe is especially well-developed.

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The writing is good, and there's even some poems and songs in it. There is some gentle humor to boot. The magic system is original and interesting. It's less miraculous than Gandalfian wizardry, and therefore more believable.

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There's a lot of chemistry in it, which is always a plus for me. Oh yeah, and it reveals the seven words to make a woman love you. Which we'll kindly put in the comments of this review.

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There are two timelines. The present, with Kote telling his life history to the Chronicler. And the huge biographical backstory of Kvothe, which is only begun here. One of the sub-themes is drug-addiction, which seems to me to be a rare topic in fanstasy novels.

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Kewl New Words...

Sophist : a skilled debater; a scholar or thinker. Here : a wise guy. Sygaldry : magic involving sigils or glyphs. Mommet : a voodoo doll. Lanting : urinating. Prat : a stupid or foolish person. Verdigris : a greenish patina formed on copper, brass, or bronze surfaces, caused by prolonged exposure to the air or water.

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Excerpts...

Chronicler's face grew red. "I'd heard that Kvothe was fearless," he said hotly.

The innkeeper shrugged. "Only priests and fools are fearless, and I've never been on the best of terms with God." (pg. 47)

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But for most practical purposes Tarbean had two pieces: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves, and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians, and courtesans. (pg. 160)

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He made a frustrated gesture and sighed. "Have you ever heard the saying: 'One wife, you're happy, two and you're tired-'"

I nodded. "-three and they'll hate each other-"

"-four and they'll hate you," Threpe finished. (pg. 438)

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"You see, women are like fires, like flames. Some women are like candles, bright and friendly. Some are like single sparks or embers, like fireflies for chasing on summer nights. Some are like campfires, all light and heat for a night and willing to be left after. Some women are like hearthfires, not much to look at but underneath they are all warm red coal that burns a long, long time.

"But Dianne... Dianne is like a waterfall of spark pouring off a sharp iron edge that God is holding to the grindstone. You can't help but look, can't help but want it. You might even put your hand to it for a second. But you can't hold it. She'll break your heart..." (pg. 484)

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"Music is a fine thing, but metal lasts." (said to Kvothe)

"Metal rusts. Music lasts forever." (Kvothe's response)

This is a long book, and not a particularly quick read. And for an epic fantasy, there isn't a lot of action, especially during the "University years" in the backstory. TNOTW sets the table for Volumes 2 and 3, which aren't out yet. Will they have more action? Romance? Heartbreak? Fighting? Things that go bump in the night?

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We shall see. For now, we'll give Patrick Rothfuss' debut book 8 Stars. Subject to change depending how good/meh/bad the sequels are.

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Other Voices...

For Queen Bina's fine review of The Name of the Wind over at 5-Squared, see here.

Monstrous Regiment - Terry Pratchett

2003; 389 pages. Book #28 of the Discworld series. New Author?: No. Genre : Fantasy, Humor. Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

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The pastime of the small kingdom of Borogravia is war. They're constantly fighting one or more of their neighbors. And if a country doesn't happen to abut on their borders, it's okay to fight them too.

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Polly Perks needs to find her brother, who is a footsoldier in the Borogravian army. But women aren't allowed to join up. So she cuts her hair, dons men's clothing, learns to spit, belch, and walk like a clod, and Voilà! "Polly' becomes "Oliver". She...er... He enlists, gets a spiffy uniform (see bookcover), and with a pair of strategically-placed rolled-up socks, the illusion is complete.

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She gets put into a small fighting group that includes an idealistic lieutenant, a jaded veteran sergeant, a vampire, a troll, an Igor, a religious visionary, and a cook who can make a passable meal out of anything. But they all have their secrets...

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What's To Like...

The characters in the Monstrous Regiment are fun to get to know as they interact under trying circumstances. The themes are good - War, Feminism, Religious Fanaticism. Pratchett even touches upon Gay Love, which is unusual for him.

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The story is slow-go for a while. Lots of marching around, and not a lot of action. Things pick up in the second half. Also, there is almost no Ankh-Morpork in this story. Sam Vimes and Angua are here, but it's little more than some cameo appearances.

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Kewl New Words...

Eructation : belching, burping, farting, and the like. Guttering : Flickering and dying. Here: a candle's flame. Palliasse : a mattress filled with sawdust, straw, etc. Gabble (vb) : to speak rapidly; to jabber or chatter. Nood : alt. spelling for "nude". Coppice : a dense growth of bushes.

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Excerpts...

There was always a war. Usually they were border disputes, the national equivalent of complaining that the neighbor was letting their hedge grow too big. Sometimes they were bigger. Borogravia was a peace-loving country in the midst of treacherous, devious, warlike enemies. They had to be treacherous, devious, and warlike, otherwise we wouldn't be fighting them, eh? There was always a war. (pg. 6)

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"We have a great respect for life, Polly," said Igorina solemnly. "It's easy to kill thomeone, and almost impossible to bring them back again."

"Almost?"

"Well, if you don't have a really good lightning rod. And even if you have, they're never quite the same. Cutlery tends to stick to them." (pg. 206)

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"There's a grill in the ceiling," said Shufti.

"Not big enough to climb through," said Polly.

"No, but we can hang ourselves before they do."

"I'm told it's a very painful way to die," said Polly.

"Who by?" said Tonker. (pg. 323)

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That's the trouble about the good guys and the bad guys! They're all guys! (pg. 327)

Monstrous Regiment doesn't have as many yuk-yuks as most Discworld books. That's not necessarily a bad thing. If you want to see Terry Pratchett present, say, the subject of war with a bunch of jokes and one-liners, I recommend Jingo.

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Instead, you get to see him use a subtler shade of humor here. For example, one of the Regiment "talks" to her god daily. This is usually an easy target for lampooning. Here, Pratchett makes you wonder if there might be something to it.

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Monstrous Regiment is a good book, but not Pratchett at his finest. With a troll, a vampire, a zombie, a couple of army grunts, and a bunch of new recruits all thrown together, I was expecting a bit more zaniness. 7½ stars.

Women - Charles Bukowski

1978; 291 pages. New Author? : No. Genre : Fictional Autobiography. Overall Rating : 5*/10.

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Charles Bukowski (via his alter ego, Henry Chinaski) wants you to know that even when he's 50 years old, ugly, and his gut is hanging over his belt; because he's a celebrated poet, beautiful women half his age line up at the door to go to bed with him. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

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And that the reason he treats them all like dirt is because, before he became famous (his teens, 20's, and 30's), these same women wouldn't give him the time of day. And that the reason he never falls in love with any of them is because he was unloved as a child. Charles Bukowski also wants you to know he's a male chauvinist pig.

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What's To Like...

The book lives up to its name and Bukowski's reputation. There are bunches of women and bunches of sex. There is booze on every page. There are nine bouts of vomiting, eight of which are by Buko. Yes, I counted them.

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The girls who rolled in the hay with our studly geezer deserve mention. So there's Lydia, Lilly, Valerie, April, Dee Dee, Nicole, Mindy, Laura, Joanna, Tammie, Mercedes, Cecelia, Liza, Gertrude, Hilda, Cassie, Debra, Tessie, Sara, Iris, Valencia, Tanya, and an unnamed Hispanic hooker. That's a new partner every dozen pages or so.

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If you muck through all the raunch, there is a lot of insight here as well. And when he isn't drunk, hungover, angry or stoned; Bukowski really is a talented writer. His favorite musician is Randy Newman, and that's worth half a star. And the kewl drawing on the bookcover was done by Bukowski himself.

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Kewl New Words...

None. Bukowski is the poet of the proletariat. They don't need no high-falootin' words.

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Excerpts...

Glendoline picked up a chair and started talking. She could talk. If she was a sphinx she could have talked, if she was a stone she could have talked. I wondered when she'd get tired and leave. Even after I stopped listening it was like being battered with tiny pingpong balls. (pg. 12)

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There is a problem with writers. If what a writer wrote was published and sold many, many copies, the writer thought he was great. If what a writer wrote was published and sold a medium number of copies, the writer thought he was great. If what a writer wrote was published and sold very few copies, the writer thought he was great. If what the writer wrote never was published and he didn't have the money to publish it himself, then he thought he was truly great. (pg. 140)

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Cecelia wanted to go for a constitutional around 2 PM. We walked through the court. She noticed the poinsettias. She walked right up to a bush and stuck her face in the flowers, caressing them with her fingers.

"Oh, they're so beautiful!"

"They're dying, Cecelia. Can't you see how shriveled they are? The smog is killing them."

We walked along under the palms.

"And there are birds everywhere! Hundreds of birds, Hank!"

"And dozen of cats." (pg. 175)

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Love (is) for guitar players, Catholics and chess freaks. (pg. 249)

One gets the impression Bukowksi is prone to exaggeration in Women. Which he is allowed to do, since he makes it clear this is a novel. Each time after he beds one of the women, they get all clingy and he has to dump them. Yeah right.

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People either love or hate Bukowski's works, and this book is no exception. The best I can say is, if "Letters To Hustler Magazine" is your kind of prose, then you will find Women to be fantastic. For everyone else, keep in mind that there are some very good parts here, if you dig deep enough. Just remember to wash your hands when you're done. 5 Stars.