The Wrath of Cons - Robert Kroese

   2018; 177 pages.  Book 4 (out of 4) in the “Starship Grifters” series.  New Author? : No.  Genre : Science Fiction; Spoof.  Overall Rating : 7*/10.

 

    Rex Nihilo unabashedly loves his job!  Of course, the fact that its potential payoffs are huge is just an added bonus.  Rex is a burglar/con artist, and he’s very good at it.  He’s often found working on several jobs simultaneously.

 

    There are claims that Rex is the greatest shyster in the galaxy.  Okay, most of those claims were made by Rex himself, but no one is arguing with him.  Alas, there’s now another contender for that title.  Some people call him “The Unpinchable Hannibal Pritchett", others call him “PP”, which is short for another moniker he likes to use: “the Platinum Pigeon”.

 

    Hannibal Pritchett has just stolen the most sought-after secret in the Universe, something called “the Shiva Plans”, from the most powerful bad guy in the Universe, The Malarchian Primate, who wants them back.  Move over, Rex, there’s a new top-tier shyster in town.  Maybe you could steal those plans back.  You could get in good graces with the Malarchians and eliminate your top rival at the same time.

 

    Or even better, maybe you can scam all of them.

 

What’s To Like...

    The Wrath of Cons is the fourth installment (but also sometimes listed as “Book Three” because there’s a “Book Zero”) in Robert Kroese’s superb sci-fi spoof “Rex Nihilo Adventures” series, which is sometimes also called the “Starship Grifters Universe” series.  The story is told from the first-person POV, that of “Sasha”, Rex’s girl-Friday, moral compass, and a robot, since her name is an acronym for Self-Arresting near-Sentient Heuristic Android. 

 

    Acronyms are just one of many recurring witticisms in this series, with other examples being APPLE, GASP, AGNES, NARATR, and my favorite, SHAMBLERS.  You can find out what those all stand for, as well as the contraction “Sp’ossels”, by reading this book.  The mangling of names is another recurring theme; in earlier books Rex came up with oodles of variations for “Sasha”, here the “Platinum Pigeon” is repeatedly and hilariously abused.

 

    I enjoyed the literary nods to The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, the Brontë sisters, and Dune.  The phenomenon known as the “Wandering Wornhole” (aka “the double double-U”) was a nice touch to the story.  There are lots of alien races and evil groups to meet and run away from, a half-dozen planets to try not to die on, plus all sorts of sci-fi geeky tools and weapons to learn to use.

 

    Robert Kroese comes up with lots of plotlines to keep the reader’s interest and whet Rex’s appetite for greed.  Those Shiva Plans aren’t the only document worth stealing, there are goods ranging from zontonium to suddenly-inhabitable planets to fence, a lifeless planet (Earth) to eschew, that conniving rival con artist to dispose of (or ally with if you can’t beat him), some Wizard-of-Oz-ish “gifts” to request for someone or something called “The Narrator”, and if you’re Sasha, sentience rights for all robots to strive for.

 

    There’s only a smattering of cussing (14 times in the first 50%) in the book, and no adult situations that I recall.  Most of the cussing situations are handled via LOL phrases such as “lying skorf-rat”, “duplicitous flaffle-herder”, “blamp-turfer”, and “for Space’s sake”.  I loved those!

 

    The ending is good; albeit a bit over-the-top, but that’s okay in a genre like this.  It leaves the door open for further adventures in this series, but I doubt that will happen.  More on this in a bit.  The Wrath of Cons is both a standalone novel as well as part of a series.  I’ve been reading the stories in publication order (Book 1, Book 2, Book Zero, Book Three), but that probably isn’t necessary.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.5/5 based on 63 ratings and 32 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.12/5 based on 184 ratings and 21 reviews

 

Excerpts...

    “Sasha,” Rex said, “most men lead lives of quiet desperation.  But not us.  You know why?  Because we were born for greater things.”

    “I wasn’t born at all, sir.”

    “Manufactured, then.  Don’t interrupt me.”

    “Yes, sir.”

    “We were born and/or manufactured for greater things.  We have a purpose.  A destiny.  And nothing can keep us from that destiny, Sasha.  Not even jelly donuts with sprinkles, as delicious as those may be.  (loc. 141)

 

    After staring at the cave wall for a while, he opened and closed his mouth several times, smacking his lips together loudly, and then said, “My mouth tastes like a Valorkkian muck-beast’s back side.  Sasha, what did I tell you about letting me drink more than five shots of Ragulian whiskey?”

    For a moment I was too stunned to reply.  The others were all frozen, staring at Rex.

    “Not to, sir,” I managed at last.  “Sir, are you okay?  Are you really back?”

    “Back from where?” he said, looking around the cave.  “Space, I could use a drink.  Sasha, pour me six shots of Ragulian whiskey.”  (loc. 3483)

 

Kindle Details…

    The Wrath of Cons presently goes for $4.99 at Amazon, as do the other three books in the series.  Robert Kroese has three dozen or so other e-books for your reading pleasure, the majority of which are in fantasy/sci-fi series, and none of which I’ve yet read.  They range in price from $0.99 to $13.99.

 

“Chimps rule, humans drool.”  (loc. 1163)

    Like the other books in this series, The Wrath of Cons is a fast, light, fun read where the focus is first and foremost on spoofery and entertainment, not things like character development and storyline continuity.

 

    Hence my only quibble with the book is the way the plot threads were handled.  When you look at the half-dozen or more plotlines listed earlier, none of them get resolved in the book.  Even the “con artist competition” which the title alludes to.

 

    I suspect that Robert Kroese originally planned to tackle these in the next book, but that’s never happened.  The Wrath of Cons was published 3½ years ago (October 2018), since then the author has been concentrating on a “cranky libertarian sci-fi series” (his words, not mine) called “Mammon”.  So far, he’s published two novels in it, plus a short story collection, with the third novel due out any day now.

 

    Sadly, I think this means we’ve seen the last of Rex and Sasha.

 

    7 Stars.  My quibble should not be misconstrued as a red flag.  When watching a Three Stooges skit, we don’t complain that the characters are shallow and the storyline is full of holes.  We just sit back and allow ourselves to be amused and entertained.  And in that respect, The Wrath of Cons succeeds nicely.

Out of the Soylent Planet - Robert Kroese

   2017; 242 pages.  Full Title: Out of the Soylent Planet (A Rex Nihilo Adventure).  Book 0 (out of 4) in the “Starship Grifters” series.  New Author? : No.  Genre : Science Fiction; Spoof.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    Rex Nihilo and Sasha.  A wheeling-dealing con artist and an incapable-of-lying android.  A pair of cosmic connivers.  The Galactic Malarchy’s maladroit malady.  And the two main characters in Robert Kroese’s hilarious “Starship Grifters” series.

 

    But inquiring minds want to know: when, where, and how did they first meet up?  When you encounter them in Book One (reviewed here), they’re already a two-man, um, well… one-human-one-robot… dynamic duo, gallivanting around the universe in search of moneymaking opportunities and gullible marks.  Well, that’s what Rex is doing anyway; Sasha job seems mostly to be to talk Rex out of going through with his hastily-conceived and poorly-executed scams.

 

    Now at last we are given the answers.  Out of the Soylent Planet is the prequel to this series, even though it is chronologically the third book, publishing-wise.  So slip on your space suit, hop into your hovercar, and don’t forget to pack your lazeweapon of choice.

 

    We’re going adventuring with Rex and Sasha!

 

What’s To Like...

    There’s no drop-off in quality in Out of the Soylent Planet just because it’s a prequel; there’s just as much wit, slapstick spoofery, and  birskly-paced action as in the first two books.  The story is short, just 202 pages covered by 27 chapters, but there's also a 40-page bonus short story, The Chicolini Incident, tacked on, and it’s just as much fun to read as the main tale.

 

    The story is once again told in the first-person POV by Sasha.  Other than her and Rex, I recognized only one other recurring character: the Malarchian bad guy Heinous Vlaak, although it’s been a couple of years since I read the first two books in this series.  Happily, there are a bunch of new folks to meet and greet: some baddies, such as Bergoon the Grebatt and Andronicus Hamm; some goodies, such as MASHER-7719 (aka “Bill”) and my favorite newcomer, a shambler named Stubby Joe, who’s the green beastie you see of the book’s cover.

 

    I was impressed that the old Broadway play “A Streetcar Named Desire” could be worked into the story; ditto for the BeeGees disco hit “Stayin’ Alive”.  There are a couple nods to Sci-Fi movies; the book’s title clues you in to one of them.  And the acronyms used are both clever and droll, as are the assortment of critters encountered.

 

    You’ll experience the sublime joy of eating oodles and oodles of creamed corn, and learn that the best job to have on Jorfu is that of a "Soylent Wrangler".  The second-best job is being a Quality Assurance supervisor, a career near and dear to my heart.  And for pun enthusiasts, there is an unforgettable and lengthily-contrived one near the end of the story.

 

      The ending is sufficiently clever, as Rex saves the day with one of his many spur-of-the-moment schemes.  He and Sasha escape their troubles and blast off to further adventures, leaving a couple of grudge-holding baddies in their wake, screaming for revenge.

 

    The Chicolini Incident is also worth your time, with lots of humor to keep you turning the pages.  Rex attempts a multiple-phase arms deal scam, and the usual mayhem and unexpected twists arise.  In his foreword, Robert Kroese warns that The Chicolini Incident is guilty of a cliffhanger ending, and explains why, but I thought the tale ended at a logical place.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Sophistry (n.) : The use of fallacious arguments, especially with the intent of deceiving.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.2/5 based on 96 ratings.

    Goodreads: 4.11/5 based on 294 ratings and 42 reviews

 

Excerpts...

    “Now many of you have probably heard that you’re going to be literally ground up and made into SLOP,” Sloppy continued.  “Let me assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.  Setting aside the occasional industrial accident, there is simply no possibility you’ll be ground up and made into SLOP as long as you remain a productive Ubiqorp employee.  And when your productive output falls below a minimum threshold, you’ll be painlessly euthanized, pulverized and added to the soil additive mixture in our plantations.”

    “Well, I feel better,” said Rex.  (loc. 1955)

 

    “I am in love with Stubby Joe,” Bill announced.  “I am sorry, Mistress Ono.  I do not believe things are going to work out between us.”

    I was too stunned to respond.  Rex said what we were all thinking.  “You realize you’re a robot and Stubby Joe is a talking plant, right?”

    “Love transcends such categories,” Bill said, taking one of Stubby Joe’s tentacles in his giant, pincer-like hand.  (loc. 3525)

 

Kindle Details…

    Right now Out of the Soylent Planet costs $4.99 at Amazon.  The other books in the series all sell for $4.99 apiece.  Robert Kroese has more than a dozen other e-novels, some in other series, some standalones, and ranging in price from $2.99 to $13.99; as well as several short stories for $0.99.

 

“Have you ever spent three days in a wuffle field, watching for skorf-rats trying to run off with your squishbobbles?”  (loc. 175 )

    There’s not much to quibble about in Out of the Soylent Planet.  The primary plotline – Rex and Sasha’s attempts to escape from a slave planet, might seem somewhat modest, but the main purpose of the book is to present a plausible backstory for our two protagonists, and in that regard it succeeds nicely.

 

    There’s a smidgen of mild cussing, which is the norm for this series, and a miniscule dab of romance, albeit interspecies-to-the-extreme in nature, which you can get a glimpse of in the second excerpt, above.

 

    Finally, one of the running gags throughout the book is Rex’s persistent mangling of Sasha’s name.  Surprisingly, this clears up about ¾ through the story, only to start up once more near the end.  I thought there was some significance to this – like Rex beginning to accept Sasha as an equal - but if so, it wasn’t consistent since it didn’t last.  Oh well, let’s chalk that up to me overthinking things.

    But none of this nitpicking is significant.  Out of the Soylent Planet was a fast, fun read for me, and my only regret is that there's only one more book in the series, The Wrath of Cons, that I haven't read.  It came out in October 2018, and since Robert Kroese hasn't published any more Rex Nihilo adventures since then, I'm going to assume this is a completed series.

 

    8 Stars.  On a personal note, I chuckled out loud about a company mentioned early on by Rex called “Gro-Mor”, apparently a galactic agricultural company, since Rex mentions that they employ irrigation bots.  A long time ago, the company I worked for did business with a company called Gro-Mor (with one minor spelling variation), also in an agrochemical capacity, and it was spooky to see them pop up again here.

Aye, Robot - Robert Kroese

    2017; 267 pages.  New Author? : No.  Book Two (out of 4, if you include the prequel) in the Starship Grifters series.  Genre : Spoof; Science Fiction.  Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

    Something’s wrong with Rex Nihilo lately.  His trusty robot sidekick, Sasha, is sure of it.  He’s too nice, and way too generous.  He doesn’t miss a chance to freely give some possession of his to anyone and everyone he meets.  And for a wheeling-dealing, what’s-in-it-for-me shyster like Rex, that’s totally out of character.

    This has been going on ever since they landed here, on Beltran Prime.  Maybe it’s due to something in the air, or in the water, or in the booze.  Maybe it was going on sometime before they landed, but curiously, neither Sasha nor Rex can recall anything from before Beltran Prime.  It’s strange that this bout with amnesia has affected them both, since Sasha, being a robot, doesn’t eat, drink, or breathe.

    Things are getting serious.  Rex has just given away the last of their money, so who knows where they’ll stay or how Rex will pay for his next meal.  It’s time to jump in their spaceship, and get out of here.

    Oops.  Rex just gave away their spaceship to a couple of religious cultists passing by.

    Now what?

What’s To Like...

    Aye, Robot is the sequel to Starship Grifters, which I read last year and reviewed here.  Rex and Sasha, our two protagonists, are back, along with the sexy Pepper Mélange and the dastardly Heinous Vlaak.  There are a slew of new characters as well.  Ensign Boggs joins Rex’s crew; so do a pair of robotic constructs, Donny (who likes to talk in the third person) and Steve-the-Parrot (just call him “Squawky”).  There are new baddies as well.  Space pirates.  Lots of them.

    If you read Starship Grifters and liked it, this is more of the same.  The pace is frenetic, the action is non-stop, the wit is Monty Python-ish, and the antics are over-the-top.  The plot meanders all over the place.  I was almost halfway through the book before I figured out what the main storyline was.

    Like any good space opera, the reader is treated to a bunch of planetary settings, including: Xagnon, New Borculo Nova, Schufnassik Six, and the ambiguously-labeled Secret Pirate Lair.  The spaceships also have intriguing names: Coccydynia, our heroes’ Flagrante Delicto, and the Chronic Lumbago.  Acronym lovers will thrill to learn the meanings of SLACS, WACS, IGA, HIM, and most-importantly, SASHA.

    The Sp’ossels are back, and I gather they will be recurring adversaries for Rex and Sasha, which I think is great.  Ditto for Heinous Vlaak.  There’s a new cult called the "Collective of the Inverted Ego", but I suspect they’re limited to being in this story only.  The "Retbutlerian Jihad" made me chuckle, and as a chemist, I’m interested in seeing where I can get some of the elemental "Zontonium".  Rex’s extended banter with the vendor about four arms and forearms is as hilarious as any Abbot & Costello routine.

    The story is told in the first person POV (Sasha’s), and 40 chapters cover the 258 pages, meaning there's a good place to stop about every 6½ pages.  The closest this book comes to being R-rated are a couple uses of the word “hell”, the galactic drug, Pheelsophine; and a mention of pain meds.  Aye, Robot is a standalone story, part of a 4-story series, and reading the books in order does not seem to be a requisite.

    The ending is suitably over-the-top, with everything working out for the good guys.  The main story thread is resolved, and there’s a teaser for Rex and Sasha’s next adventure, The Wrath of Cons, which was published last October.  The prequel, which is actually the third book in the series that Robert Kroese wrote, is called Out of the Soylent Planet, and awaits my attention on my Kindle.

Excerpts...

    “What are you seeing, Rex?” HIM asked.

    “It’s … it’s so beautiful,” Rex gasped, staring into empty space above the box.  His eyes were welling with tears.

    “We can’t see it, Rex,” said HIM.  “What is it?”

    “It’s… I can’t even describe it,” Rex said, his voice barely above a whisper.

    “Please try.”

    “It’s like someone mixed matter and energy together in a cosmic cocktail mixing glass, filled the glass with cubes of time, and then strained it into a martini glass the size of the universe.”

    HIM frowned.  “You’re seeing…”

    “A cosmic martini,” said Rex, still wide-eyed.  “My God, it’s full of olives.”  (loc. 403)

    “Mister Primate, sir,” said Rex, “If I may interject a moment, I think you’ll find once you’ve reviewed the evidence in my possession that Vlaak’s actions were fully justified and that he is, in fact, a bona fide hero of the Malarchy, deserving of medals and suchlike.”

    “Who are you?” the Primate demanded.

    “Rex Nihilo, Your Poignant Vibrancy.  And can I just say what an honor it is to meet an unquestioned despot such as yourself?  The way you subdue the entire galaxy with an iron grip is truly inspirational.”  (loc. 3608)

Kindle Details...

    Aye, Robot currently sells for $4.99 at Amazon.  Books One and Three are also $4.99, while Book Zero, the prequel, but the third book written, goes for $0.99.  Robert Kroese offers three other fantasy/sci-fi/satire series (Mercury, Iron Dragon, Land of Dis) and a couple of standalone mystery/sci-fi novels.  Most of his books are in the $0.99-$4.99 range, but the two mysteries are $7.99 and $13.99.

“Don’t get philosophical with me, you clockwork Kierkegaard.”  (loc. 225)

    The last 60 pages of Aye, Robot is a novella titled The Yanthus Prime Job, which starts at 77% and stars Pepper Mélange as a daring jewel thief.  The tone is darker and there are fewer yuk-yuks.  This is more of a “how’s she gonna pull the heist off” tale.

    The gem to be stolen is called the “Emerald of Sobalt Prime”, and the story is still set in the Rex Nihilo universe.  Pepper of course has lots of futuristic gadgets at her disposal, such as contact lenses that double as video-recording devices.  But the museum's security department also has access to that level of technology and builds some pretty sophisticated defenses for the gem.  The drug “Uforium” replaces Pheelsophine, and the ending has a couple of neat twists.

    I found The Yanthus Prime Job to be a great “extra” to Aye, Robot, and now wonder if some of Robert Kroese’s other series are more serious in nature.  I just assumed they were all as crazily over-the-top as the Rex Nihilo ones.  Fortunately, I have at least one book from each of his series on my Kindle, so I have no excuse not to investigate.

    7½ Stars.  Aye, Robot is a lighthearted book that isn’t intended to be taken seriously.  It’s aim is to be delightfully absurd and hold the reader’s interest, and it succeeds nicely on both of those counts.

Starship Grifters - Robert Kroese

    2014; 244 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Book 1 (out of 3) in the Rex Nihilo Adventures series.  Genre : Spoof; Science Fiction.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

    Space.  The “Final Fun-Tier”.  This is the story of the starship “Flagrante Delicto” and its two-man crew.  No, wait.  Make that a two-person crew.  Nah, that’s not right either.  How about a two-entity crew?

    The captain of the ship is Rex Nihilo, whose main goal in life appears to be trying to make a fast buck off of anyone in the galaxy who’ll sit down and play cards with him.   His one and only crewmate (for now, at least) is an android named Sasha, who serves as Rex’s first mate, girl Friday, and unfathomable font of knowledge.

    Their mission: to boldly seek out new planets, on which to hide out from the bounty hunters acting on behalf of the the Galactic Credit Bureau.  It seems Rex’s card-sharking expertise is legendary, and we don’t mean that in a good way.

    Yet perhaps his luck is changing.  Not only did Rex just win the Flagrante Delicto at the card table, but he also won an entire planet.  There’s no telling how much that’s worth.

    But just a minute.  Is that a faint twinkle I spy in the loser’s eye?  Why could he be happy about losing a starship and a planet?

What’s To Like...

    Set in the 31^st Century, Starship Grifters is a fast-paced sci-fi spoof, filled with constant action and devoid of anything serious.  For the most part, it parodies the Star Wars saga, with a Darth Vader wannabe (Lord Heinous Vlaak), a rebel alliance hiding out on a far-flung planet, and even the cuddly Beebers subbing for the cuddly Ewoks.  Instead of “the Force” that’s with you”, it’s the “Chaotic Equilibrium”.

    The story is told in the first-person POV, and it's Sasha, not Rex, who's doing the talking.  The book cover gives a nice rendering of both of our protagonists.  There’s some smidgen of mild cussing, but most of the time when Robert Kroese wants to swear, he uses the euphemism “Space”, as in “for Space’s sake…”

    There are hilarious footnotes, which I took as a nod to the late, great Terry Pratchett.   I also enjoyed the mention of Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”, and Proust’s “Remembrance of Things Past”.  The rebel alliance is known as the Frente Repugnante, which gets further translated as “The Revolting Front”.  For science freaks, there’s “Hypergeometry” to explain interstellar travel, and the Ferbuson Paradox, a take-off of the Fermi Paradox, that’s applied to cloaking devices.

    Puns and word play abound.  One example: a med called “Pheelsophine” which I read three times before realizing its humor.  The character “Ted” is a hoot, and watch out for the Sp’ossels: they'll try to convert you to their cult religion.

    There aren’t a lot of characters to keep tabs on, which makes for an easy read.  The ending is a mixed bag.  While the resolution of the cloaking device thread was blatantly obvious, it was followed by several nifty plot twists providing an unanticipated backstory to explain Rex, Sasha, and Pepper.  Starship Grifters is a standalone story, as well as part of a series.

Kewlest New Word...

Caterwauling (v.) : making a shrill howling or wailing noise.

Excerpts...

    “You guys are just lucky I had a tracer on your ship.”

    “Lucky?” snarled Rex.  “You shot us down!”

    “I saved your asses.  If you’d have climbed any higher, you’d have been vaporized by the stealth satellite.”

    “What stealth satellite?” asked Rex.

    “Exactly,” replied Pepper.  (loc. 1536)

    “I’d still be prison if it weren’t for some contacts I had made in the Ursa Major Mafia.  They offered to help me escape in exchange for doing some jobs for them.  After I got out, they gave me a new identity and paid to have my DNA scrambled.”

    “Oh, man,” said Rex.  “DNA scrambling is the worst.  Last time I had an ear growing out between my shoulder blades.  People acted like they didn’t notice it, but I could hear them talking behind my back.”  (loc. 1652)

Kindle Details...

    Starship Grifters sells for $1.99 at present.  The other two books in the series are currently priced at $4.99 apiece.  Robert Kroese has a couple dozen e-books to offer at Amazon.  The full-length ones are in the $1.99-$13.99 range; and there are also a couple novellas and short stories for $0.99 a pop.  Robert Kroese frequently offers his books at a discount (or even free!), so keep your eye on the various Amazon e-book deals each day.  And oh yeah, from his picture on Amazon, it appears that Robert Kroese is left-handed.  That means he’s a genius.  All left-handers are geniuses.

A sane person is always at a disadvantage when negotiating with a lunatic.  (loc. 1311)

    I don’t have much to quibble about regarding Starship Grifters.  The plotline, while sufficient, wasn’t compelling, at least to me.  Then again, this is true of almost all spoofs: they either parrot whatever tale they’re making fun of, or else just dispense with a storyline altogether in favor of non-stop yuk-yuks.

    But I pick at nits.  Writing a spoof is always a roll of the dice, since everybody’s sense of humor is different.  For me, Robert Kroese’s attempts at wit and humor was a total success: the story tickled my funny-bone, and I was entertained from the start to the finish.

    8 Stars.  Robert Kroese is the master at combining catchy titles with frequent discounts on his various books.  Such a strategy rewards him with lots of reviews at Amazon and GoodReads, and presumably a hundred people buying one of his books for $0.99 is better than two people buying it for, say, $2.99.  There is perhaps something to be learned from this.