End of Empires - Toby Frost

    2014; 352 pages.  Book 5  (out of 6) in the Space Captain Smith series  New Author? : No.  Genre : Sci-Fi Spoof; Space Opera.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

    The battle lines are drawn.  On one side is the indomitable British Space Empire.  On the other, the invincible Great Galactic Happiness and Friendship Collective, otherwise known as the Yulls.  The battleground is set: Ravanar, a territory that’s not native to either side.  It is populated by the meek and lowly Beetle People, and who cares about them?

    The Yulls are more commonly known as the Lemming Men.  They’re fearsome, ruthless, and countless in number.  They function as of One Mind.  As long as that Mind doesn’t tell them to go jump off a cliff, their numerical superiority and fighting prowess can win any battle.

    But the British are not without their own resources, most notably access to that superlatively restorative potion: tea.  And of course, they also have Space Captain Isambard Smith and his trusty crew of his ship, the John Pym.

    So let the fighting begin!  And let’s try to have it finished before 4 o'clock in the afternoon  Because there’s no excuse for missing tea time due to some empire-ending cosmic duel to the death.

What’s To Like...

    If you wish that the Monty Python troupe would have tried their hand at writing Star Trek episodes, then you’re going to love End of Empires.  Every page is filled with madcap antics, smoothly blended with an epic kill-or-be-killed scenario.

    Readers of the series will be happy to know all the ship-crew regulars are back, including the psychic hippie chick Rhianna Mitchell, the I’ll-try-anything robot Polly Carveth, and my personal favorite, Suruk the Slayer.  Most of the secondary characters are also present, including the master-spy “W”, Major “The Ghost Who Walks in Shorts” Wainscott, Susan (whose main task is to make sure Wainscott at least has shorts on), and Polly’s Android love-interest, Rick Dreckitt.

    There’s a bevy of beasties to deal with beyond Beetles and Lemmings.  The Ghasts have only a peripheral presence and the Edenites are missing entirely, but there are wallahbots, shadars, ravnaphants, maneaters, and cute little ponies to take their place.  I especially liked meeting some of Suruk’s M’Lak family and fellow-warriors, and was happy that even Gerald the Hamster gets to play a brief-but-key role.

    The book is written in English, not American, so you have tiffins and piffles, storeys and pyjamas, todgers and selotape, etc.  Classical rock nods abound, including Pink Zeppelin, The Doors, and some clever take-offs of Jimi Hendrix (called “Jimmy Horlicks” here) lyrics and titles.  I was especially impressed that Gustav Holst’s magnum opus, ”The Planets” was also cited.

    The ending is suitably exciting and action-packed. Some of its events are over-the-top, but that’s okay when you’re emulating Monty Python.  There are just a couple of cusswords and a few allusions to adult situations, but that’s okay when you’re writing Space Opera.

Kewlest New Word...

Parp (v.) : to make a honking sound like a horn.

Others : Clottish (adj.).

Excerpts...

    “You there!  Stop this nonsense or there’ll be trouble!”

    Half a dozen bullets answered him.  Ducking back, Smith reflected that this might be more difficult than he’d thought.

    “It’s the Sweeney!” a voice cried from inside.  “If you want to barney, filth, I’ve got a heater waiting for you!”

    “Sorry,” Smith called back.  “I didn’t understand a word of that.”

    “Naff off!” came the reply.  “I’m bleedin’ do you, you slag!” shouted the thug.  (loc. 740)

    “My unit has been infiltrated by an individual known only as the egg-man.  This whole mission was a white elephant from the start … or a white rabbit … or a pink elephant, on parade.  My god … they set the controls for the heart of the sun, they sent us two thousand light years from home, dropped out of orbit eight miles high … like a squid, fast and bulbous!  They’re coming to take me away!”  (loc. 2178)

Kindle Details...

    End of Empires sells for $4.99 at Amazon.  The other books in the series are all in the $3.99-$7.99 price range.  Toby Frost offers several other e-books at Amazon, ranging in price from $3.99 to $9.99.

“I was hallucinating,” he gasped.  “Thank God you’re here, Emily Bronte.”  (loc. 3831)

    The only thing I can quibble about is the book’s structure.  The Table of Contents divides it into three parts (11 chapters total), but really, it felt like three separate novellas, all strung together to make a suitably full-length book. 

    Briefly, the three parts are:

Part One: Investigate a subversive plot and play some Warro.

Part Two: Retrieve Major Wainscott and get him to put some pants on.

Part Three: Find the Relics of Grimdall and fight the Lemming Men.

    This sort of literary patchwork usually fails, and it is perhaps an indication of Toby Frost’s writing skills that here, for me, it somehow worked nicely.

    8 Stars.  End of Empires is the fifth, and penultimate, book in this series.  The final tale, Pincers of Death, resides on my Kindle, awaiting my attention.  It was released almost two years ago, in November 2017.  If indeed this is a completed series, I for one will miss Isambard Smith and his wacky cohorts.