Ye Gods! - Tom Holt

   1992; 296 pages.  New Author? :No.  Genres : Humorous Fantasy; Mythology; Satire.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    It’s not easy being the son of a Roman god.  And the head honcho, no less, Jupiter himself.  Just ask Jason Derry. 

 

    Oh, it certainly has some benefits.  You’re a physical masterpiece: you can run at super speeds, dodge flying bullets, and beat the daylight out of any human foolish enough to get into a fight with you.

 

    There are limits however.  Jason’s mom is a mortal, which makes him only a half-god.  Full-blooded deities are more powerful than him, and probably smarter as well.  That means he’s susceptible to being manipulated by the gods, if they so choose.

 

    And Jason has a sneaking suspicion that they are so choosing.

 

What’s To Like...

    Ye Gods! is a clever blend of several Greek mythological tales (Jason & the Golden Fleece, Prometheus) and the modern-day quantum physics concept of multiverses.  If you have an infinite number of parallel universes, at least one of them will still be inhabited by the ancient gods and heroes.  The tale is told via 14 chapters covering 296 pages, with a plethora of fabulous footnotes added that would make Terry Pratchett proud.

 

    It was fun to watch Tom Holt add twists to the classical Greco-Roman myths.  Jason still procures the Golden Fleece, but it’s a minor part of this story.  The gods weren’t mad at Prometheus for giving Fire to humans; it was his second gift to us that got him chained to the rock, with an eagle sent daily to peck out his liver.  The second gift was . . . well, revealing that would be a spoiler.

 

    I’m a lifelong mythology lover, so Ye Gods! was a literary delight for me.  Eleven of the Romanized deities play parts here, plus a twelfth one that I had never heard of.  I was sure that last one was something Tom Holt had dreamed up, and then surprised when I found a Wikipedia page about him.  I’d tell you the god’s name, but that too would a spoiler.

 

    Tom Holt is a British novelist, thus the book is written in English, not American.  So for us Yanks, there were some odd spellings (cheque, sulphur, dialled) and weird words (shufti, git, biro), but I’ve gotten familiar with most of these.  The author also works lots of trivia-worthy items into the text, such as Perry Mason, Burger King, Mithraism, Vivaldi, and one of my heroes, Aleister Crowley.  Late in the story, we get to watch an episode of an alternate-universe TV Game Show called God’s My Witness.  That was exciting.

 

    The ending is vintage Tom Holt: unforeseen yet absurdly logical.  Jason (and the reader) finally get to the bottom of the godly skullduggery, and for perhaps the first time in his life, our hero is introduced to the concept of free will.

 

Excerpts...

    ”Virgil,” he said, “can I ask you something?”

    “Be my guest,” said the Mantuan.

    “If you had a little voice in the back of your head,” said Jason, “that kept telling you to . . . no, suggesting that you do things that you really don’t want to do, because they’re dangerous and you don’t understand why they need doing anyway, how would you react?”

    “I’d have a lobotomy,” Virgil replied unhesitatingly.  “Nothing worse than a chatty brain, I always say.”  (pg. 99)

 

   “Bad King Atreus looked out

    On the slopes of Pindus

    Lightning came and rubbed him out,

    Blowing him to cinders.

    Atreus, the silly sod,

    Came to Jove’s attention.

    People who offend a god

    Don’t collect their pension.”  (pg. 242)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Nobble (v.) : to try to influence or thwart someone by underhanded or unfair means.  (British, slang)

Others: Chiropody (n.); Simpulum (n.); Profiteroles (n.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.1*/5, based on 210 ratings and 26 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.71*/5, based on 1,299 ratings and 40 reviews.

 

“Just because you’re omniscient doesn’t mean you don’t forget the occasional birthday.”  (pg. 157)

    There’s not a lot of profanity in Ye Gods!  I counted just 10 instances in the first 20%, all of the either the scatological or eschatological variety.  Later on, a couple of stronger cusswords crop up, including one f-bomb.

 

    There were only a couple typos: a missing comma, hopped/hoped, and two different spellings of a character’s last name: Bennett/Bennet.

 

    A word to the wise: don't be surprised if you get a third of the way through the book and suddenly realize you have no idea what the main storyline is.  This is trademark Tom Holt, and rest assured that the main plot thread will eventually reveal itself.  In the meantime, just enjoy being entertained by the author’s wit, storytelling, and the antics of a bunch of Roman gods.

 

    8 Stars.  One last thing.  At one point, a “CND symbol” is referenced, and I had never heard of such a thing.  This stymied me, but luckily Wikipedia is the fount of all knowledge.  “CND” refers to a British activist group called the “Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament”, and its symbol is what we ex-hippies call “the peace symbol”.  Peace on!

The Providence Rider - Robert McCammon

   2012; 516 pages.  Book 4 (out of 10) in the “Matthew Corbett” series.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Historical Fiction; Colonial America; Thriller.  Overall Rating: 8*/10.

 

    New York City, 1703 CE.  Someone is blowing up buildings!

 

    Whoever’s doing it is also painting graffiti on walls next to be exploding buildings.  Actually, the graffiti is rather minimal: just a single name: MATTHEW CORBETT.  It’s logical to suppose that’s the perpetrator, bragging about his crimes.

 

    When Matthew Corbett arrives upon the scene, he’s quite astonished to see his name scrawled on the walls.  He knows he’s not the arsonist, even if others in the crowd are giving him distrustful looks.  He’s more than ready to start investigating the crimes, and an obvious question is already giving him a starting point.

 

    Why is the real perpetrator painting Matthew’s name on a nearby wall each time he blows up a building?

 

What’s To Like...

    The Providence Rider is the fourth book in Robert McCammon’s “Matthew Corbett” now-completed ten-book historical thriller series.  The riddle of Matthew’s name being in close proximity to blown-up buildings is readily solved and Matthew and two companions, Berry and Zed, quickly find themselves on a ship headed for Pendulum Island in the Bermudas.  Several shady characters accompany our heroes in order to make sure they don’t change their minds.

 

    An old adversary is there to greet Matthew when the ship reaches its destination, wanting him to do a sleuthing job, and promising him ample recompense.  I love it when good guys are persuaded to get in cahoots with bad guys.  The book’s title references Matthew’s acceptance of the job; “Providence Rider” is colonial slang for “Problem Solver”.  Not surprisingly, the straightforward assignment rapidly becomes more complex and dangerous.

 

    The Providence Rider is first a foremost a Historical Thriller, with lots of Action and Intrigue infused into it.  Things proceed at a rapid pace, with a bunch of baddies for Matthew to rub shoulders with, a couple of which are beautiful and deadly women.  The 34 chapters average out to about 15 pages/chapter and there are five drawings included which I thought added a nice touch.  Timewise, the story is set in 1703-04 CE, and I’m really loving this historical fiction series because of the rarely used era that it's set in.

 

    Things build to an exciting climax that, with everyone—good-guys and baddies alike— fleeing for their lives.  There are casualties amongst both the white-hats and the black-hats.  The scene then shifts back to New York, where several secondary plotlines are resolved, plus one major romantic one.  The tale closes with a teaser for the next book in the series.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Fearnaught (n.) : a thick, heavy, shaggy woolen overcoat.

Others: Puffet (n.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.5*/5, based on 998 ratings and 171 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.24*/5, based on 3,517 ratings and 349 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    “I may sit?”  Sirki motioned to a chair.  Matthew nodded again, though he was concerned about the chair’s survival.  Sirki eased himself into it and stretched out his long legs.  “Ah.  Now, I’m in . . . how would you say? . . . pig’s paradise?”

    “Hog heaven,” Matthew suggested.

    “Exactly.  Let me show you I have no weapons.”  Sirki lifted his arms, shrugged off his cloak, and patted around his midsection.

    “Do you need any?”

    This time a grin burst forth.  “No, I do not.”

    Matthew reasoned it was time to keep his mouth shut.  (loc. 842)

 

    “You had some trouble today.”  It was a statement of fact, as dry as the fish bones in the skeleton collection.

    “A mite,” Matthew allowed.

    “Hm.  One of my stone seahorses is missing from the library balcony.  Also the curtain cords are gone.  There is—was—a wine bottle on the ledge.  What can you tell me about that?”

    “Nothing.”  Matthew shrugged.  His heart was a furious drummer.  “Much.”

    “You shield your enemies.  Why?”

    “I take care of my own business.”

    “That’s admirable.  Stupid, possibly . . . but admirable.”  (loc. 3941)

 

Kindle Details…

    The Providence Rider sells for $11.99 right now at Amazon.  The rest of the books in the series generally range in price from $11.99 to $15.99, with occasional discounts on select e-books, usually to $2.99.  Robert McCammon has other series and standalone novels for your Kindle; they normally range in price anywhere from $2.99 to $11.99.

 

It was a good day, he decided, to not be a ghost.  (loc. 3651)

    I noted 19 cusswords in the first 20% of The Providence Rider, all of them being of the “milder 4-letter words” type.  Later on, there were a couple of f-bombs, plus some references to female dogs and posteriors, as well as one roll in the hay.  There were a couple of typos: assinine/asinine; whether/whither; was/were; and treel-imbs/tree-limbs; but these were sparse enough to not be distracting.  A number of mysterious “Kk” notations popped up between paragraphs, but I suspect this was more the fault of the conversion-to-Kindle software, not the author.

 

    Each character had his/her unique traits, but they were all either “all good” or “all evil”.  I’m partial to "gray" characters, but have to say it was interesting to watch white-hats and black-hats forced to cooperate with one another.  There weren’t a lot of plot twists, although that’s what you hire a Providence Rider to minimize.

 

    Enough of the quibbling.  For me The Providence Rider was a well-written page-turner, with oodles of action, intrigue, and skullduggery jumping up on almost every page.  Next up is The River of Souls, which is on my Kindle, awaiting my attention.  Stay tuned.

 

    8 Stars.  One last thing.  There is a lifesaving scene in The Providence Rider that’s incredibly over-the-top.  It reminded me of an old James Bond movie where Pierce Brosnan jumps out of an airplane in mid-flight over mountains, without a parachute, and ends up somehow deftly skiing up to ski lodge café.  If you remember and enjoyed that Bondian antic, you'll love the one here.

The Anvil of the World - Kage Baker

   2003; 350 pages.  New Author? : No.  Book 1 (out of 3) in the “Anvil of the World” trilogy.  Genres: Fantasy; Steampunk Fiction; Novellas.  Overall Rating : 6½*/10.

 

    Well, Smith, it’s time we found you a job.

 

    How’s about we try you out as a caravan master?  There’s one leaving from Troon shortly and going to Salesh.  Yeah, I know, you have no experience as a caravan master and the road to Salesh is known to be full to robbers and demons, but maybe you’ll do okay.

 

    If you’re still alive when the caravan reaches Salesh, and don’t think that job’s for you, there’s an opening for a proprietor at the Hotel Grandview.  It’s a boring job, but all you have to do is make sure no one dies while they’re staying there.  You think you can handle that?

 

    If that doesn't work out, all that’s left is to send you on a quest for something called the "Key to Unmaking".  That job is idiot-proof because we’re pretty sure the Key doesn’t exist.  All you’ll be doing is confirming that it’s a hoax.

 

    Good luck, Smith.  Try not to get yourself killed.

 

What’s To Like...

    Neither the Amazon blurb nor the hype on the paperback cover hints at it, but The Anvil of the World is actually three novellas scrunched together to make a novel-length book.  The stories all follow the same main characters, Smith and Ermenwyr, and do appear to be presented in chronological order, but each is an independent storyline.

 

    The first novella, the “caravan” tale, seems primarily aimed at presenting the book’s tone, the world-building, and the various races and creatures that dwell therein.  Kage Baker does a marvelous job of this.  There are three races: humans (the “Children of the Sun”), demons (who try their best to be evil, but don’t always succeed), and Yendri (who are into New Agey things like meditation and vegetarianism).

 

    The tone is delicately lighthearted, which was a pleasant surprise.  The action is set in a sword-&-sorcery world, but might usually trumps magic, as alluded to in the second excerpt, below.  I loved the way Kage Baker chose names for the various characters.  For example, Lord Ermenwyr’s bodyguards are dubbed Cutt, Crish, Stabb, Strangel, Clubb, and Smosh, and other surnames include Greenbriar, Crossbrace, Coppercut, and Beatbrass.

 

    There’s a bunch of wit and humor running throughout the book, such as the deadly “Fatally Verbal Abuse” duel in the second story.  I was also thrilled to see Chemistry play a part as well, in the form of a caustic drain cleaner, dubbed “Scourbrass’s Foaming Wonder”.  The novellas have no titles and there are no chapter divisions, but there are paragraph breaks aplenty, which means you can always find a convenient place to stop.

 

    Each novella has its own ending, with the most significant one coming, appropriately enough, at the close of the third one.  Amazon and Wikipedia indicate there are two other books in this series, one of which, The House of the Stag, is a prequel that was published five years after The Anvil of the World.  It doesn’t appear that either of the other two novels are available in e-book format.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Princox (n.) : a self-confident young fellow.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.3/5 based on 122 ratings and 45 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.89/5 based on 2,030 ratings and 195 reviews.

 

Things That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t…

“Mr. Hummyhum is ready to play now.” (pg. 180)

 

Excerpts...

    “Hear, mortal, the lamentable tragedy of my house,” Lord Ermenwyr intoned gloomily.  “For it came to pass that the dread Master of the Mountain, in all his inky and infernal glory, did capture a celestial Saint to be his bride, under the foolish impression he was insulting Heaven thereby.  But, lo!  Scarce had he clasped her in his big evil arms when waves of radiant benignity and divine something-or-other suffused his demonic nastiness, permanently reforming him; for, as he was later to discover to his dismay, the Compassionate One had actually let him capture her with that very goal in mind.  But that’s the power of Love, isn’t it?  It never plays fair.”  (pg. 155)

 

    “Could you summon us up a catapult that’s bigger than theirs, then?” Smith inquired.

    “Don’t be silly,” said Lord Ermenwyr severely.  “Sorcery doesn’t work like that.  It works on living energies.  Things that can be persuaded.  I could probably convince tiny particles of air to change themselves into wood and steel, but I’d have to cut a deal with every one of them on a case-by-case basis, and do you have any idea how long it would take?  Assuming I even know how to build a catapult—"  (pg. 247)

 

“Hey nonny no! (. . .) Light the hubblebubble, Nursie dearest.”  (pg. 111)

    There’s a fair amount of cussing in The Anvil of the World.  I counted 17 instances in the first 20%, but they were all mild ones of the eschatological ilk.  Later on, the phrase “What in Nine Hells” was used a number of times, which I don’t really think counts as profanity.

 

    There are also quite a few allusions to “adult situations”, and the partaking of drugs, in particular “opiates”, is a common vice.  And some bars have edgy names, one of which was “The Winking Tit”.

 

    Alas, The Anvil of the World wasn’t a page-turner for me.  The stories are too short for any depth to be developed, and the reader has to start fathoming a completely new plotline at the start of each new novella.  I think this is unavoidable though; it’s just the inherent property of three novellas posing as a single novel.

 

    I’ll keep my eyes peeled when I’m roaming the used-book stores for the other two books in this series.  If they too are a combination of novellas, I’ll probably give them a pass.  But if they are written as actual novels, this is a series worth reading more about.

 

    6½ Stars.  One last thing.  Every human’s surname is simply “Smith”.  A few have first names, but most humans just have a modifying adjective added for clarity’s sake.  Examples: “Old Smith”, “Young Smith”, “Mrs. Smith”.  Surprisingly, the inhabitants of Kage Baker's world don't find it confusing at all.

British Mammals - Richard Herley

   2024; 355 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Satire; British Fiction; Family Life; Romance.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    Take Colin Forrest’s advice: never break off a romantic relationship with an Albanian girl.

 

    Well, let’s tweak that just a bit.  Never break things off with an Albanian girl who has three psycho brothers who now feel you’ve dishonored their entire family and are about to come looking for you with guns and fists.

 

    It’s time for Colin to “disappear” into the hinterlands of England.  Maybe find a job up in the Norfolk area, and lay low for a while.  Make sure your name and picture don’t appear in any newspaper, at least until those three brothers quit searching for you and go back to Tirana.

 

    And for heaven’s sake, if an attractive girl crosses your path, don’t fall in love with her.

 

What’s To Like...

    Full disclosure: at its heart, British Mammals is a Romance novel.  But if you’re a male reader, don’t run away yet, there’s also a bit of violence in the tale, several dysfunctional characters to keep the personal interactions tense, and lots of nudity.

 

    The book is written in English, not American, and even though I’ve read plenty of British novels, there were oodles of new “Britishisms” in the text for me.  The most exquisite one is given below, but there were dozens more, such as: drumby, bint, twigged, posh totty, moggy, dekko, fizgig, wigging, yonks, hent, and coo, the last two of which I never did suss out.  I’m a language nut, so I loved all these new words.  There was even an Albanian phrase!  When’s the last time you ran into that language in a book?

 

    Colin finds a job as a groundsman at a resort called Bubthorpe Pines, which he thinks is a perfect low-stress, low-profile job.  Alas for him, and happily for the reader, such is not the case.  The resort is on shaky financial ground, and continued employment at the resort, for both the top dogs and the bottom-rung laborers, is iffy.  Tempers are short, solutions are few, and nudist resorts are losing popularity.

 

    I liked the nudism angle; it gives the opportunity for some comic relief in the storyline.  Resort employees, thankfully, do not have to "undress accordingly", but they do have to "bare witness" (pun intended) and cater to middle-aged practitioners who are developing wrinkles and sagginess.  Activities such as “beach cricket” and weddings take on a whole new aspect when done without clothes.

 

  As always with a Richard Herley novel, the character-building is excellent.  Each person's make-up is unique.  One of the main characters is a successful novelist, but presently dealing with some e-book issues at Amazon.  I appreciated the insights Richard Herley provides about e-publishing in general, and suspect he is drawing upon his firsthand experiences.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Playing Gooseberry (phrase) : an unwanted third party in a situation where two people want to be alone.

Others: many, many more.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.5/5 based on 2 ratings and 1 review.

    Goodreads: 4.50/5 based on 2 ratings and 1 review.

 

Kindle Details…

    British Mammals currently sells for $2.99 at Amazon. Richard Herley offers about 16 e-books for your Kindle; they range in price from $0.99 to $3.67.  He recently discounted his entire catalog of e-books to $0.99 apiece, which I greatly appreciated and used to grab a couple more of his novels.

 

Excerpts...

    ”What’s he like?  Do you fancy him?”

    “No.”

    “Surely there must be some eligible male somewhere on Earth who can melt the ice in your veins.  What, O frozen-hearted maiden, undisputed queen of the polar north, does he look like?”

    “Tall but not too tall, blond, with no hint of a man-bun.”

    “Do you find him handsome?”

    “Sufficiently.”

    “Amy!  Your fervour astounds me!  So you’re made of flesh and blood like the rest of us!  Have you been drinking in secret?  Antifreeze, I mean.”  (loc. 558)

 

    “Do you?”

    “Do I what?”

    “Think about the future?”

    “Sometimes.”

    “What do you think about it?”

    ”It’s worrying,” Benny decided.  “I worry about the future.  Of the Pines, I mean, and other things.”

    “Surely the future will be like the past.  It always has been, for as long as I can remember.  I mean. What was the future becomes the present and as soon as it does that it becomes the past.  There’s not much difference between them, all three of them, except that in the present one is present and in the past and future one is not.”

    This was an unusually long and profound disquisition on Effy’s part.  (loc. 1737)

 

Trying to pin Effy down on any topic was like knitting fog.  (loc. 2115)

    There's a moderate amount of cussing in British Mammals.  I counted 21 instances in the first 20% of the book, most of which were f-bombs and uttered by two of the characters, Tez and Bert.

 

    I was surprised by the abruptness of the ending.  The tension builds as the various plotlines are cleverly brought together, but things end with just one of them being resolved, and even that one was done verbally.  Yes, I could deduce how the other ones would likely be tied up, but it would have been nice to have those wrap-ups confirmed, or even better, subject to some plot twists.  Perhaps these storylines will all be addressed in a sequel.  One can hope.

 

    Enough of the quibbling.  The romance in British Mammals could have easily become a slog for me, but fortunately Richard Herley’s storytelling and writing skills kept me turning the pages.  I loved his depictions of the English lifestyle, especially on topics such as class structures, the institution of marriage, and ecological considerations, such as deforestation to build housing developments.  British Mammals was a delightful read for me, and I look forward to the author's next novel.

 

    8 Stars.  One last thing.  Let’s hear it for NIMBY finding its way into the text here.  It's one of my favorite acronyms!

Druids - Anne Ross

   1999; 211 pages.  Full Title: “Druids: Preachers of Immortality”.  New Author?  : Yes.  Genres : Archaeology; European History; Non-Fiction.  Overall Rating: 8*/10.

 

    Druids.  What part of Europe did they spring up from?  What parts of Europe did they flourish in?  What roles did they play in ancient Celtic society?

 

    What did the Greeks and Romans have to say about them, and how accurately were their views?  How did the upstart Christian church respond to them, and how successful was that endeavor?

 

    What were the Druids’ key beliefs and how did they practice them?  What were their religious festivals?

 

    You can find answers to all those topics in Anne Ross’s book Druids.

 

What’s To Like...

    Druids is divided up into 12 sections, namely:

00a. Foreword

    The two branches of the Celtic language.

00b. Introduction

    Druids, Prophets, and Bards: the 3 groups of “Men of Learning”.

01. Druidic Origins

    Are Druids from Eastern Europe or Western Ireland?

02. The Classic Commentators

    Greek and Roman writers, Ogam writing.

03. Questionable Death and Unusual Burial

    Human Sacrifices, Bog Burials, and “Foundation Sacrifices”.

04. The Symbolic Head

    Decapitation and Drinking from a Skull.

05. The Vernacular Literatures

    St. Brigit, the Red Branch, and other ancient Irish texts.

06. Druids and Fenians

    Rival warrior castes, or allies?

07. Assemblies and Calendar Festivals

    Samain, Imbolc, Beltain, and Lughnasa

08. Unity and Diversity

    Druids and the Early Church; St. Patrick

09. Folklore and Festival

    Druidic Traditions, Rituals that survived to modern times.

Epilogue

    Druidism: where did it come from and where is it heading?

 

    The book is written in what I call “scholarly style”.  Anne Ross (b. 1925; d. 2012) was both an archaeologist and a scholar, and spoke fluent Gaelic, which I’m sure helped in her research for this tome.  This is a short book; the text is just barely over 200 pages and that includes lots of maps, drawings and photographs.  It is written in English, not American, although I didn't find that a distraction.

 

    As might be expected, the text is packed with fascinating details.  Lots of my heroes—Taliesin, Simon Magus, the Morrigan, the Tuatha De Danann—get mentioned, as well as an ancient Celtic board game called “fidchell”, which is said to resemble chess.   I learned the etymology of the word “Ireland”, and got some tips on how the read omens to tell whether it’s going to be an auspicious or inauspicious day.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 3.9*/5, based on 21 ratings and 5 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.55*/5, based on 60 ratings and 10 reviews.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Apotropaic (adj.) : supposedly having the power to avert evil influences or bad luck.

Others: Janiform (adj.); Outwith (conj.); Turves (n.)

 

Excerpts...

    The oral tradition amongst the Celts was deliberately fostered, as we learn from the classical commentators on the Celts.  This custom would seem to have arisen in order that the sacred learning and details of ritual practice should be kept away from the uninitiated.  Writing was used for business purposes in Gaul, and Caesar remarks that Greek letters were used for this purpose.  He also comments how, when some noble person was being cremated, people would throw letters onto the funeral pyre for him to give to dead relatives and friends in the Otherworld.  (pg. 87)

 

    The men of Ulster regularly held a great festival at Samain, Hallowe’en, 31 October, i.e. November Eve.  A huge feast was made by the king, Conchobor, in Emain Macha.  They kept the feast for three days before Samain, for three days after Samain, and on the day itself.  It was one of the most important calendar festivals of the whole year, and still survives in the folk memory down to the present time.  This period was devoted to sportive occupations: horse racing and other sports; drinking — which often caused quarrels — and the recitation by each man present of his victories over powerful opponents.  (pg. 152)

 

“They also invite strangers to their banquets, and only after the meal do they ask who they are and of what they stand in need.  (pg. 185)

    There is absolutely zero profanity in Druids, which is a rarity, even when reading non-fiction.  The book was a slow read for me, but that was mostly because I was fixated by the archaeological details and Gaelic lore.

 

        The inherent problem with any discussion of Druidism is that there just isn’t a lot of reference material to work with.  As the first excerpt mentions, Druid religious and historical records were done via oral tradition, and Greek, Roman, and Christian commentators have questionable reliability.  Julius Caesar is a particularly dubious source, although I was impressed with Anne Ross’s objectivity about his commentary.

 

    One review criticized the author’s writing style, feeling that it was written “to the layman”, but I thought the book's tone was just right, neither too technical nor too prosaic.  My only beef was with the maps: there were quite a few of them, and they would only be useful if one lived close to the geographical areas cited.  I don’t.

 

    Overall, I found Druids: Preachers of Immortality both enlightening and entertaining.  It kept me turning the pages although in fairness, Druidism and Archaeology are two subjects I am always very interested in.  Amazon only offers one other book by Anne Ross, Folklore of Wales, which means I'll have to hit the used-book stores to read more books by her.

 

    8 Stars.  One last thing.  On page 48, I ran into the verb “whelmed”.  I’m familiar with “overwhelmed” of course, and have occasionally seen “underwhelmed”, usually used in a tongue-in-cheek fashion.  But this is the first time I’ve encountered “whelmed” used in a serious context.  Awesome!

Sprout Mask Replica - Robert Rankin

    1997; 350 pages. Book 1 in the “Completely Barking Mad Trilogy” series.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Humorous Absurdism; British Humour; Weird Fantasy.  Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

 

    The butterfly effect is a famous component of Chaos Theory.  In a nutshell, it states that when a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil, it in turn may be the cause of a tornado in Texas.

 

    The butterfly doesn’t realize this, of course, but it is intriguing to contemplate a small change in a system resulting in significant and unpredictable consequences down the line.

 

    But what if the inverse was also true?  A tornado forms in Texas, a butterfly in Brazil senses it, and instinctively flaps its wings to cancel out the disturbance.  Let's call him "the compensator”.

 

    Our protagonist here is such a compensator.  He has a pretty neat gift, eh?  Well, maybe not.

 

    Because what happens if/when the butterfly stops flapping its wings?

 

What’s To Like...

    Sprout Mask Replica is written mostly (but not completely) in the first-person POV.  The narrator’s name is not given, but he goes by many monikers, including “The Chosen One”, “The Compensator”, the “Mystical Butterfly of Chaos”, and “Dog Breath”.  Since one of his relatives is “Uncle Brian Rankin”, we may logically assume this is Robert Rankin writing his autobiography.

 

    The book is written in English, not American, so us Yankee readers will get weird spellings, such as plough and jewellery; as well as odd phrases, such as “bit of a kip”, “soldier of toast”, and the nifty word “niffy”, which is defined below.

 

    A number of Robert Rankin’s recurring characters are featured here, which you’d expect in his autobiography, including Fangio, Neville, Jim Pooley, John Omally, and the inscrutable “lady in a straw hat”.  And I think this is where Barry the Holy Guardian Sprout is introduced, who becomes a major recurring character.  A portion of his background is given in one of the excerpts below.

 

    In between (most) chapters, Robert Rankin includes some poetry, which I found to be quite entertaining.  I enjoyed sitting in on the “All Brentford Open Lying Contest”, chuckled at the mangled French, and was happy to see my favorite type of word puzzle, “acrostics”, get a brief mention.  The author’s music references are impressive, one of which, The Sonic Energy Authority, may set some sort of record for “most obscure” band ever.

 

    The ending is both witty and enigmatic, which is the norm for a Robert Rankin opus.  The Chosen One finishes his book and heads out for a swim.  A spaceship departs, but I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of it.  All historical paradoxes are repaired.

    Or are they?

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Niffy (adj.) : having an unpleasant smell (British slang)

Others: Sporran (n.); Micturating (v.).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.3/5 based on 118 ratings and 30 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.70/5 based on 848 ratings and 21 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    In those days I had a lot of time for Fangio, although thinking back I can’t recall why.  Certainly the guy was fair, he never spoke well of anyone.  And when it came to clothes, he had the most impeccable bad taste I’ve ever encountered.  He suffered from delusions of adequacy and his conversation was enlivened by the occasional brilliant flash of silence.

    Once seen, never remembered, that was Fangio.  Many put this down to his shortness of stature, for as Noel Coward observed, “Never trust a man with short legs, brain’s too near their bottoms.”  (loc. 970)

 

    “I was supposed to be on the job.  Your Holy Guardian.”

    “He’ll forgive you, you’re one of his angels, after all.”

    “Well.”

    “Well what?”

    “Well, I never said anything about being an angel.”

    “You said you’re my Holy Guardian.  That’s an angel, isn’t it?”

    “Well, it can be.  For some people.  But there’s an awful lot of people on Earth.  More people than there are angels, in fact.  Look upon me as your little gift from God’s garden.”

    “What?”

    “I’m your Holy Guardian Sprout.”  (loc. 2483)

 

Kindle Details…

    Sprout Mask Replica currently costs $6.99 at Amazon.  Robert Rankin offers another 3 dozen or so “weird fantasy” e-books, generally in the price range of $2.99-$7.99, plus an autobiographical I, Robert, which costs $9.00.

 

“Run and waggle, chief, run and waggle.”  (loc. 3337)

    There’s very little profanity in Sprout Mask Replica; I counted just six “damns” in the first 50% of the novel.  Insertions of other cusswords are “cleaned up” via appropriately placed asterisks (example: sh*t).  A number of “adult situations” are alluded to, but there’s nothing lurid.

 

    Typos are rare: one gum/gym booboo and a couple of comma misuses.  The title reference occurs at 93% Kindle, although I’m still not sure what it signifies.

 

    Don’t even try to find a plotline for the first 20% of the book; there’s none there.  Fortunately, Robert Rankin still keeps you entertained with his wit, anecdotal asides, and wry British humour.  The plotline does show up later on.

 

    Veteran Robert Rankin readers will find Sprout Mask Replica satisfying, but if you’re never read any of his novels, don’t make this your introduction to him.  The Amazon blurb says this is the first book in the “Completely Barking Mad” trilogy; but I don’t think it’s necessary to read the books in order.  Robert Rankin is loose with the concept of “trilogy”—one of his contains only two books; another contains eight books.

 

    7½ Stars.  One last thing, a nice tidbit of the abundant wit in the story.  “My brother’s favourite number was 300.  Because if you turn 300 on its side it looks a bit like a bum pooing.”  It's true! Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.