Driving Me Nuts - P.J. Jones

    2011; 206 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genre : Dark Humor.  Overall Rating : 7*/10.

    Ruckus and Fred sure are a couple of guys who like to live life on the wild side.  For a good time they drive over to the used-book store and then to the Dairy Queen for ice cream.

    Yeah, I know, that doesn’t exactly make you hear “Born To Be Wild” as background music.  But Fred and Ruckus are both inmates at the Shady Grove Home for the Mentally Insane, and leaving the premises is a major no-no.

    To boot, their choice of wheels is a ’69 Mustang convertible, which belongs to Mr. Otis, one of the caretakers at Shady Rest.  And when he’s neck deep in triple tequila peach lime smoothies, he’s in no condition to tell whether anyone is joyriding around in his automobile.  So while Mr. Otis is snoozing, the boys can go cruising.

    But when one of the female inmates horns her way in on the action, you can bet it’s gonna lead to trouble, Especially since she’s got an agenda of revenge.

What’s To Like...

    Driving Me Nuts is a fast and easy read.  The action starts immediately, and continues throughout the whole book.  For the most part, we see things from Ruckus’s POV, with Fred and Apple (the female femme fatale) also getting prominent ink.  There aren’t a lot of other characters to keep track of, but they're an interesting bunch, especially Preacher and Mama Louise.

    Except for the Epilogue, the entire storyline consists of a single night of avenging antics, as Apple squares things away with a number of tormentors from her past.  Fred is little more than a drooling puppy, so it is up to Ruckus to somehow get the threesome, and the ’69 Mustang convertible, back to Shady Grove in one piece and with no one the wiser.  Yeah, like that has any chance of happening.

    This is my third P.J. Jones book; the other two are reviewed here and here.   Of the three, I liked this one the best.  The tone is darker here, and at just over 200 pages, it is the longest book I’ve read by this author, with the most complex storyline of the three.  For me, it was a “broadening” of Ms. Jones’ literary repertoire, even though it predates the other two books.

    There is a lot of cussing, and a bunch of unsavory and/or adult topics such as child molestation, rape, oral sex, jerking off, and erections.  If these offend you, you would be well-advised to stay away from Driving Me Nuts. or any of P.J. Jones’s stories for that matter.  It is her natural genre to write in an R-rated manner.  To do differently would be akin to asking Allen Ginsberg to only write G-rated poems.

    There is a way-kewl Author’s Note at the front of the book.  Despite the multitude of mayhem, the ending ties everything up in a relatively happy manner.  This is a standalone novel; AFAIK, P.J. Jones has not written any series.  Some of us think that’s a plus.

Excerpts...

    Mr. Otis didn’t always break the rules.  Lights out at nine-thirty.  That was one rule Ruckus wished he would bend.  No pissing on lunch trays.  That was another rule.

    One of Ruckus’s biggest pet peeves was inconsistency.  Either break all the rules or none at all.  People and their ‘socially acceptable behavior’ bothered him.  (loc. 69)

    “Are you sure you’re not my dad?”

    “Fred,” Ruckus grumbled.  “Your dad has your green eyes.  Garth Vader has brown eyes.”

    Vader straightened his bony shoulders and puffed up his chest.  “Do you find fault with my anatomy?”

    “Brown is nice,” Fred interjected.  “Brown is the color of tree branches.”

    Vader nodded.  “And the stain in my intergalactic underpants.”  (loc. 1022)

Kindle Details...

    Driving Me Nuts sells for $2.99 at Amazon.  P.J. Jones has a number of other books available for the Kindle, ranging from $0.99 to $3.99.  She is also part of “The Eclective”, a group of short story writers, and many of their anthology offerings are free.

“I don’t recall proliferating any life forms on this planet.”  (loc. 1022)

    There are some minor quibbles.  I thought there were a couple sections that could've been strengthened by "showing” instead of “telling”.  And the writing style might best be described as “very straightforward”.  Some additional polishing would’ve made this a really delightful read.

     But, as with the R-rated stuff, this is all inherent to the author’s writing style.  The added polishing and showing would be technical improvements, but perhaps in the end, it just wouldn’t be the real P.J.

    7 Stars.  Don’t let the quibbles dissuade you from reading Driving Me Nuts.  The bottom line is that I found it to be fast-paced, both dark and funny (a somewhat dicey combination of genres), and the most ambitious literary effort yet that I’ve read by P.J. Jones.

Pride and Prejudice and Vampires - P.J. Jones

    2012; 113 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genre : Paranormal Parody; Classic Literature Spoof.  Overall Rating : 6½*/10.

    The title pretty much says it all – P.J. Jones takes the mega-classic Jane Austen tale and mixes in a tale of vampires.  But it’s all tongue-in-cheek.  Or rather, fang-in-neck.

What’s To Like...
    Disclaimer : I have never read Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and have absolutely no desire to do so.  Everything I know about it comes from a quick perusal of the Wikipedia article on it.  That being said, it appears Pride and Prejudice and Vampires stays fairly true to the salient points of the novel.  But be forewarned, if you’re an ardent admirer of Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters, (and if so, you have my condolences), and sensitive to any criticism or mockery of them, then you might want to pass on this book.  Just sayin’.

    This is my second P.J. Jones book (the other one is reviewed here), and the tone and structure are the same.  The humor is bawdy, and adult themes and language abound.  If quips about vibrators, douchebags, and dog shit pudding are too racy for you tastes, then you too might want to pass on this book.  Still just sayin'.

   There is some good humor here – such as Jane being a “vegetarian vampire” and only drinking the blood of ugly animals.  Two of the Bennet sisters have been written out, ditto for the father.  But most of the other main characters, including Mr. Darcy, Mr. Bingle, Charlotte Lucas, etc. are here, either alive or undead.  The gags can get repetitive after a while, but that often is the case with spoofs.

Excerpts...
    Jane’s pale brow drew into a deep frown while her rosy lips turned a pout.  “I’m a vegetarian vampire.  Why can’t you get it right?”
    “Jane, dear,” Elizabeth heaved a sigh, “I don’t even think vegetarianism exists in the Regency period.”
    Jane straightened her shoulders and turned up her chin.  “Laugh all you want, but one day all vampires will be just like me and only feast off the blood of ugly animals.”
    Elizabeth dismissed her sister with a flick of the wrist.  “Three legged dogs and goats don’t taste as good as humans, Jane.”  (loc. 48)

    He was truly a handsome sight to behold, especially since he was rich.  Actually, if he hadn’t been rich, perhaps Elizabeth wouldn’t have thought him quite so handsome.  Maybe, it was because his face was draped in a permanent scowl of condescension while his narrowed gaze judged every person in the room.  Actually, Elizabeth thought Mr. Darcy was a bit of an ugly prig.  But money has a way of making even the most rancid, pretentious, douchenozzles look attractive.  (loc. 773)

Kindle Details...
    Pride and Prejudice and Vampires sells for $2.99 at Amazon.  P.J. Jones has authored a half-dozen or so other books with a similar motif, generally in the price range of $0.99- $2.99.  She is also a regular contributor to the excellent anthologies periodically put together by a group of indie authors who call themselves The Eclective.

“How many times must I tell you that we do not rip out the jugulars of the gentry?”  (loc. 41)
    My main problem with P&P&V is its brevity.  Amazon estimates the download to be 113 pages; but you’ll be surprised when it ends abruptly at 50%.  P.J. Jones then treats you to a bevy of her short stories; but these end at 75%.  The rest is a preview, via the first couple chapters, of another one of her books.

    That means Pride and Prejudice and Vampires, the primary reason you downloaded this, isn’t even of novella-length.  Therefore the story can’t have any depth to it.  This is fine when spoofing fairytales, cuz they’re shallow too.  But it comes across really flat when spoofing classical literature.

    P.J. Jones’ writing style is inherently R-rated, and that doesn’t bother me.  I recognize it isn’t meant to be deep; it’s meant to be entertaining.  But it may be better suited to a 10-20 page short story than to lengthier works.

    The alternative is for the author to write stories that are more complex, have some unforeseen plot twists, and have greater depth.  The bawdiness can remain, it is the essence of P.J. Jones; but give the reader something that is also thought-provoking.

    Overall, this is a fun read.  But much too short for my tastes.

 

     6½ Stars.  Add another one-half star if you’ve haven’t read a P.J. Jones story before; add one more star if you prefer Beavis and Butthead to War and Peace.

Attack of the Fairytale Zombies! - P.J. Jones

    2012; 194 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genre :  Parody; Humor.  Overall Rating : 7*/10.

    Of what use is a Royal Dragon-Slayer, if he refuses to kill the resident dragon?  A fair question that King Ronald Dump poses to said employee.  But Sir Barth and “Drag” are the best of friends, and blood, even if it is lizard’s blood, is thicker than duty.

    Drag and Barth are prepared to flee the kingdom over the matter.  But then the local witch turns the kingdom’s inhabitants into brainsss-craving zombies, and the walking dead converge upon King Dump’s castle.  Suddenly, Barth’s swordsmanship seems like a valuable commodity.

What’s To Like...
    Attack of the Fairytale Zombies! is a parody, and manages to be bawdy without bring obscene.  The language is …erm… earthy, and there are a bunch of allusions to “adult situations”.  But really, it’s nothing you wouldn’t hear in a junior high locker room.

    My two favorite characters are a cross-dressing dragon and an apprentice “good” witch.  The rest, including our hero, are forgettably stereotypical.  There is a semblance of a storyline (the “attack of the fairytale zombies”), but it’s really nothing but a string of clichés.  The author is aware of this; indeed, she uses the word cliché a half-dozen times in the novel.  Another favorite word of hers : sigh.  It shows up 25 times.

    At less than 200 pages, this is a short read, but it’s the right length for this sort of parody.  The gag lines do get repetitive, but any book that has the cry “Brainsss!” and zombie pigs in it will keep me turning the pages.

Excerpts...
    She screeched as she landed in Barth’s lap with a thud.  “Oh, I’m sorry.”
    When Barth looked into the witch’s wide, violet eyes, he thought his heart would melt.  Except, not all the way, because then his heart wouldn’t be able to pump blood, and he’d die.  It melted just enough so the reader gets that Barth was instantly in love.  (loc. 267)

    “Whom did you slay?” the king groaned.
    Barth tilted his head while tapping his chin.  “About a dozen knights, a few hobbits and goblins, an evil step-sister, a wooden puppet, one or two princesses, oh and Bill Murray.  He wasn’t a zombie yet, but I lopped off his head just for the hell of it.”
    The king slapped his forehead.  “I can’t believe you killed Bill Murray.”
    Barth arched a brow.  “Have you seen Garfield?”  (loc. 631)

Kindle Details...
    Attack of the Fairytale Zombies! sells for $0.99 at Amazon, which seems to be the standard price for all of P.J. Jones’ books ATM.  She is also a contributing author to the anthologies put out by a group who call themselves The Eclective, and these are very good and often free.  Indeed, if you watch the various “free Kindle books” websites and/or Amazon, you will sooner or later find a lot of Ms. Jones’ books free for limited time periods.

“Why can Blahnik design shoes for filthy little hobbits but not for cross-dressing dragons?” (loc. 53)
    Attack of the Fairytale Zombies! reminds me of a book from way back in the mid-90’s, Politically Correct Bedtime Stories.  Both are spoofs, both rely on repetitive punch lines, and neither makes any pretense of having any depth.  One relies on sexual innuendo; the other on PC-innuendo.

    PCBS had a brief heyday – ISTR it made the NY Times Best Seller list – but it had no staying power because, after you grew tired of hearing the same witticisms over and over again (“womyn” instead of “women”), all you had left was the fairy tale storyline.  The same holds true here.  When the genitalia boner mots get old, there’s not much else to latch on to.

    AotFT! can be summed up in two words : “tabasco-flavored cotton-candy”.  Okay, maybe that’s four words.  This is a spicy novel, but without any substance.  Still, there are times when cotton-candy is just what one’s taste buds are craving, and I doubt P.J. Jones  had any intention of writing something complex or high-brow.  7 Stars.  Add another star if you remember PCBS, and thought it was hilarious.