Nature Girl - Carl Hiaasen

   2006; 399 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genre : Crime-Humor; Florida Crime Noir; Satire.  Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

    Telemarketers.  Everybody hates them.  You, me, Honey Santana, and anybody else who owns a cell phone or landline.  Some people sass back at them, others (including my son) yell into the receiver at them.  Most of us just hang up the phone and hope that they don’t call back again.

    But not Honey Santana.  She’s off her meds, which means she has a tendency to overreact to life's annoyances.  Like a telemarketer named Boyd Eisenhower, calling from Texas, and who has the misfortune of pitching a sales spiel for a can’t-miss real estate opportunity in Florida.  That just happens to be Honey’s stomping grounds.

    Harsh words ensue from Ms. Santana, and, in violation of common sense and company policy, Boyd utters some things he shouldn’t have back through the phone at Honey, then hangs up on her.  Honey Santana is left with an 800 phone number, probably phony, and a burning resolve to make Mr. Eisenhower regret using such insulting language on her.  But what can she do? 

    Heh.  Well, when she’s off her medicine and in a royal snit, there’s just about no limit to what she can cook up.

What’s To Like...

    Nature Girl is Carl Hiaasen’s 11^th book (out of 14) in what I call his “Florida Noir” group of novels.  I wouldn’t call it a series, since recurring characters are few and far between, but I like it that none of the characters here are pure white or black.  Even the telemarketers have some redeeming qualities and all of them are delightfully absurd, including my favorites, Brother Manuel and Sister Shirelle.

    As with any Hiaasen novel, almost the entire story takes place in Florida, near Everglades City (which is real), a nearby treacherous maze of swampland called Ten Thousand Islands (which is also real), and Dismal Key, a wee bit of dry ground that Sammy Tigertail retreats to (and others stumble across), which is real as well.  All these places are accurately depicted by Hiaasen; you can read about them in Wikipedia.

    The portrayal of the telemarketing business is spot on as well.  I'm at home during daylight working hours, and it's amazing how many scam calls we receive every day.  Interestingly, telemarketers know to not call too early, and to cut off the calls at 5:00.  They do this so as to not enrage hapless residents, and they even compensate for different time zones.

    The storyline introduces you to a real disorder called Asphenphosmphobia, which Google can tell you all about, but not Wikipedia, although the latter will redirect you to the synonymous term, Haphephobia.   You’ll also read the real story behind the 1800's song “Old Folks at Home”, plus learn the useful trick of how to tell a real person from a death spirit.

    As always, Carl Hiaasen throws an abundance of humor and wit into the story, plus some fascinating tidbits of Florida history.  Here, he enlightens us about the foremost Seminole chieftain, Osceola.  There’s a slew of music references; everything from Weezer and Limp Bizkit to Dire Straits and Stephen Foster.  The title comes from a cursory remark on page 186, and I chuckled at Eugenie’s bestselling novel, Storm Ghoul, which is every bit as well-written as Fifty Shades of Grey.

    The ending wraps things up satisfactorily for all concerned parties.  It isn’t particularly twisty or exciting, but it is logical on all counts.  Most (but not all) of the characters finish up happier than at the start, and I especially liked how Hiaasen resolved Boyd’s fate.  Nature Girl is a standalone novel, with no plot strings left untied for a sequel/

Kewlest New Word. . .

Cacique (n.) : a native chief.

Excerpts...

    Certain grisly suspicions were floated before the local police, but no one paid much attention until Mrs. Bonneville’s body was found in her Pontiac at the bottom of the St. Johns River.  It was her husband’s contention that Mrs. Bonneville’s Bonneville had been swept away by the onrushing flood as she wheeled out of the driveway in a frantic quest for Marlboros.  Doubt fell upon this story as soon as police divers revealed that Mrs. Bonneville had been snugly strapped into the driver’s seat.  Well known among her friends was the fact that on principle Mrs. Bonneville never buckled her seat belt, even though it was required by state law; an ardent libertarian, she opposed government meddling in all matters of personal choice.  (pg. 20)

    “I’m so psyched about tonight,” Sienna said.”  Aren’t you?”

    Skinner studied the bubbles in his beer.  He was trying hard to recall what was on the agenda.

    “Green Day, remember?” she said.  “God, Perry, don’t tell me.”

    “Sure, I remember.  They’re playin’ in Fort Myers.”

    “You said you liked ‘em.”

    “I meant it, too.”  To Skinner’s knowledge, he’d never heard any of the band’s songs; he was country to the bone.

    Sienna said, “We don’t have to go if you don’t want.  I could sell the stupid tickets on eBay in about thirty seconds.”

    “Please don’t pout.  I already said we’re going.”

    “Twice I went with you to see Willie Nelson.  Twice.”  (pg. 188)

 Eugenie Fonda sat cross-legged on the bathroom floor, listening to Sacco’s theory that Bill Gates was not only the Antichrist but also the illegitimate spawn of Jesse Helms and Grace Slick.  (pg. 78)

    If you're looking for a beach read or airport novel, Nature Girl will do nicely.  There are lots of story threads involving a bunch of hapless characters plodding hopelessly towards their combined destinies on the not-so-deserted island of Dismal Key.  It does take a while to get all the parties heading there, and for me things dragged just a bit while this was happening.  But once everybody’s on their way, the pace picks up nicely.

  Storywise, I found it a bit too easy to guess where some of those destinies were heading, in particularly those involving Honey and her son, Fry, but maybe that's because I've quite a few books by this author.

    You should know that there’s no shortage of sex and cussing, so if these things offend you, you might give Nature Girl a pass.  But I'm happy to say I learned one phrase with which to insult someone with: “rectal ulcer”.

    7½ Stars.  Nature Girl is a solid effort by Carl Hiaasen, although I think some of his other books were more exciting and more zany.  Still, it kept my interest and it's easy-on-the-brain-cells, and sometimes that's all you ask for out of a book.