Basket Case - Carl Hiaasen

2002; 411 pages. New Author?: No. Genre : Witty Crime. Overall Rating : 4½*/10.

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Jack Tagger has a dead-end job - both literally and figuratively. For mouthing off to the new owner of the small Florida newspaper where he works, he is banished to the no-future job of writing obituaries, in hopes that he'll quit.

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But when over-the-hill rocker Jimmy Stoma dies in a scuba accident in the Bahamas, it piques Jack's interest. Partly because Jack liked him when he was with Jimmy and the Slut Puppies; partly because something doesn't seem right about the accident; partly because if Jack can develop this into a front-page article, he can start to escape the obituary desk limbo.

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What's To Like...

Hiaasen apparently develops a new protagonist for every book; that's a plus. I found Tagger to be more likable than Twilly Spree in Sick Puppy (see its review here). It's nice to read a murder-mystery where the main guy isn't a burnt-out cop. The pacing is nice, it's written in a witty style, and it's an easy read.

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The secondary theme - the moribund state of the newspaper industry - is well-developed. There are only two types of newspaper journalists nowadays - those who are laid-off and depressed, and those who are still working and waiting for the axe to fall.

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If this was a story about journalism, it would be a decent read. Alas, it's a crime-mystery story, and in that regard, it sucks. There really isn't any mystery, and there are zero plot twists. Even when the opportunity for a plot twist arises, the story chooses to plod on in its humdrum, straightforward way. One example :

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Jack's first inkling that something is amiss comes when he learns that the Bahaman police chose not to do an autopsy. When he quizzes them about this, their reply is that they know a drowning accident when they see one. Oooo. This screams for a plot twist. But it never happens. And so it goes throughout the rest of the book.

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Kewl New Words...

Only one. Dyspeptic : displaying a morose disposition.

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Excerpts...

Newspapers customarily do not report a private death as a suicide, on the theory it might plant the idea in the minds of other depressed people, who would immediately rush out and do themselves in. These days no paper can afford to lose subscribers. (pg. 6)

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So far, Jizz is the only joint on Silver Beach with a red velvet rope and a sullen, T-shirted, steroid-addled doorman. The club's motif combines the exotic ambience of a Costa Rican brothel with the cozy, down-home charm of a methamphetamine lab. By the time I reach Carla's booth, I feel like I'm hacking up bronchial tissue. The first topic of discussion is my wardrobe. "Are those really Dockers?" Carla blurts, horror-struck. (pg. 197)

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I'll be there like a gator on a poodle... (pg. 305)

I'm still not smitten with Carl Hiaasen. Maybe I haven't read his best efforts. Sick Puppy and Basket Case are the 9th and 10th books in his (non-YA) stories, so perhaps the ones that made him a best-selling author came earlier. Still, it was mindlessly enjoyable to read (it would make a good Beach Novel), and as seen in the excerpts, Hiaasen is a master of wit. That should count for something against the disappointingly poor plot. 4½ stars.

Funeral Games - Mary Renault

1981; 328 pages. Book 3 in Renault's "Alexander the Great" trilogy. Genre : Historical Fiction. New Author?: Yes. Overall Rating : 8*/10.
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It's 323 B.C. Alexander The Great is near death, unable to speak, and has never named a successor to his throne. His two wives are pregnant, but they are both foreigners (one Bactrian; the other Persian), and even if they bear sons, the Macedonian army is loath to be led by a "half-breed". Alexander's half-brother is alive, but he has the mind of a six-year-old. His mother also lives, and is a powerful political force in Macedon. But still, she's a woman. Any of Alexander's generals could rule, but they all hate each other So let the Funeral Games begin!
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What's To Like...
The book covers the next 15 years or so (plus an epilogue), as the various parties jockey for leadership; not hesitating to kill any rivals if needed. None of the claimants are all good or all evil, and none can garner enough support and power to unite the army and rule the kingdom. Mary Renault adheres strictly to the historical facts. Basically, she fleshes out the characters and gives them voices.
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And what characters they are! Especially the three women - Olympias (ATG's mom), Roxane (one of his wives), and Eurydike (a young Macedonian noblewoman who marries the half-brother). They are strong, they are learned, they are politically savvy, they are legitimate contenders for the throne, and they are historically accurate. The male rivals treat them as equals and threats because, well, they are.
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There are a slew of characters to keep track of, and Funeral Games does start off kinda slow as Renault introduces them to you. But she lists the cast of characters at the beginning of the book (you will use this often), and once they've all made their entrance, the story picks up steam. The ending (again, historically accurate) is quite good, especially if you don't know the history.
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Kewl New Words...
There were oodles of them. Emollient : soothing. Maquette : a small model of an intended work. Marmoreal : marble-like. Wittol : a man who knows about and tolerates his wife's infidelity. Inchoate : only partly in existence; imperfectly formed. Himation : a rectangular woolen or linen cloak of ancient Greece. Sutler : an army camp follower who peddles supplies to them (especially food). Revenant : someone who returns after a lengthy absence. Trull : a harlot; a prostitute. Proscribed : denounced; condemned. Glaucous : having a waxy, whitish, frosted appearance. Effulgent : beaming; radiating light (here, an "effulgent cloud").
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Excerpts...
"Alas, alas! The light is fallen from the sky, the lion of men is fallen. When he lifted his sword, a thousand warriors trembled; when he opened his hand, it shed gold like the sands of the sea. When he rejoiced, it gladdened us like the sun. As the storm-wind rides the mountains, so he rode to war; like the tempest that fells great forest trees, he rode into the battle. His shield was a strong roof over his people. Darkness is his portion, his house is desolate. Alas! Alas! Alas!" (pg. 25-25)
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"All those great men. When Alexander was alive, they pulled together like one chariot-team. And when he died, they bolted like chariot-horses when the driver falls. And broke their backs like horses, too." (pg. 32)
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A few words about Mary Renault...
Born in 1908; died in 1983. Best known for her eight Greek-themed historical novels, published between 1956 and 1981. She was gay long before being gay was acceptable in England; and in 1948, she and her lifelong partner moved to South Africa, where homophobia was less prevalent. All of her Greek novels have at least a couple homosexual allusions, although here in Funeral Games, they are relatively minor. You can read Wikipedia's entry about Mary Renault here.
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"His sign is walking among the constellations, further than we can reckon in years. You will not see it setting in your day." (pg. 4 - a prophecy about Alexander's legacy).
Sadly, none of the aspirants to the throne succeeded in taking the place of Alexander The Great. Ptolemy fared best - retreating into Egypt, establishing a dynasty, and making it clear he has no desire to expand beyond there. The rest battled among themselves and eventually, they all fell. Alexander's army, invincible to any foe, destroyed itself from within.
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The weakening wars continued for 100 years or so. In the meantime, those upstart Romans unified their country and did away with their chief rival, Carthage. When they were ready to expand eastward, Greece and Macedonia (and later, Egypt, and the Greco-Persian realms) could no longer put up a good fight. How sadly self-inflicted.
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I give this Eight Stars, because the cause is near and dear to my heart, and it was quite a powerful tale by the end. Highly recommended to history fanatics, but others may find it a bit dry.

Little Green Men - Christopher Buckley

1999; 300 pages. New Author?: Yes. Genre : Satire; Modern Fiction. Overall Rating : 9*/10.
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John O. Banion is an acid-tongued, self-assured Sunday morning TV news host (think "Meet The Press") who has everything going for him - a trophy wife, fame and power, and fabulous ratings - even the President of the United States wants to appear on his show - until he is abducted by aliens. And probed. He dismisses this as temproary insanity. Until it happens a second time.
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This turns his world upside-down, but it doesn't matter, because he now has something he never had before - a cause. Little does he realize, his abductions (and probes) were really orchestrated by a disgruntled worker for a top-secret government organization called Majestic 12.
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What's To Like...
Little Green Men is well-written, moves at a nice pace, has a good ending, and will keep you chuckling, page after page. Buckley spoofs all sorts of things - the Washington DC "Power Crowd", UFO enthusiasts, talking-head newsmen, NASA, conspiracy nuts (hey! that's me!), and egotistical lawyers.
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His characters are both real (Sam Donaldson and Larry King) and made-up (Colonel Murfletit, Bitsey Banion, Dr. Falopian, etc.). There actually aren't any Little Green Men in the story, but there are creatures dubbed "Tall Nordics" and "Short Greys". The political satire is balanced - the president is a savvy sap (is that an oxymoron?), but you can't tell whether he's a Democrat or a Republican.
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Kewl New Words...
There were a slew of 'em. Avuncular : kindly; benevolent; like a favorite uncle. Parsimony : excessive frugality; extreme cheapness. Irredentist : advocating reclaiming territory that is culturally or historically related to one's nation. Cabochon : a convex style of cutting gemstones. Benison : a blessing. Importunate : troublesomely urgent. Descant : a discourse on some given theme. Mephitic : foul-smelling. Recondite : deep; not easily understood. Chthonic : dwelling in the Underworld. Gravid : heavy; pregnant (either literal of figurative). Minatory : threatening; menacing. Ontological : relating to one's essence or core being. Apothegm : a short, pithy saying.
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Excerpts...
They decided that as long as they were at it, MJ-12 could serve another, even higher purpose: keeping the U.S. citizenry alarmed about the possibility of invasion from outer space, and therefore happy to fund expansion of the military-aerospace program. A country convinced that little green men were hovering over the rooftops was inclined to vote yea for big weapons and space programs. (pg. 31)
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Banion sighed. These symphony things of Bitsey's were torture. He had no ear for music. He was perfectly content to insert a "Mozart's Greatest Hits" onto the CD player and press Repeat. To make matters worse, this new conductor was a fiend for atonality, that is, music that defied humming. Banion wondered which was worse - being sodomized by aliens, or having to sit through two hours of Charles Ives. (pg. 84. If you've ever listened to Charles Ives, you'll be able to relate)
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A few words about Christopher Buckley...
He is the son of the Conservative legend, William F. Buckley. I was worried that this would give LGM a wing-nut spin, but it didn't. He used to write for the conservative magazine, National Review, which was founded by his father. In 2008, he did the unpardonable - he endorsed Barack Obama for president. The National Review and CB parted ways shortly thereafter.
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It made the people happy to feel that the gods wanted to sleep with them, or at least have a grope. (pg. 32)
I thoroughly enjoyed Little Green Men. I suppose if you aren't into Washington politics and/or UFO encounters, it could get a bit boring. In reading other reviews, it seems that those who gave LGM low marks usually did so because they felt some of Buckley's other novels were better - in particular, one called Thank You For Smoking. If so, I'm looking forward to reading more books by him. Nine stars.

What Is The What - Dave Eggers

2006; 535 pages. Awards : 2009 Prix Medicis Etranger. Full Title : What is the What - the Autobiography of Valentino Achak Deng. New Author for me?: No. See here. Genre : Fictional Autobiography; Modern Literature. Overall Rating : 6½*/10.
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As a small boy, Achak Deng's life changes forever when the Arab murahabeen ravage his Dinka village in southern Sudan - raping, killing, looting, burning, and kidnapping. What Is The What tells his story of fleeing with thousands of other boys - the "Lost Boys of Sudan" - to refugee camps in Ethiopia and Kenya, and finally after 14 years in these camps, his coming to America and his sturggles to adapt to a new culture.
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The horrors and tragedy Achak endures along the way are staggering. Death looms in many forms - Arab militiamen; Sudanese army helicopters and planes; Ethiopian bandits; hungry lions and crocodiles; malaria, dysentery and other diseases; starvation and exposure to the elements in the desert; and in an ironic fimale, from an assault & robbery at his Atlanta apartment. Through it all, a boy's hope shines through, if only because the alternative is to give up, lay down, and die.
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What's To Like...
Eggers emphasizes that this is a work of fiction, and that it's also a collaborative telling of Achak's life story. I suspect it is actually taken from the combined experiences of a lot more Lost Boys than just Achak, but Eggers' writing skills create a seamless narrative. Paradoxically, the book flip-flops between the present-day assault and Achak mentally recounting his African experiences to his assailants. But this literary style works.
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Eggers tells the story from the inside of Achak's head. You get to see the thoughts of a small boy as he struggles with incomprehensible hardship. Eggers/Deng present an even-handed view of the Lost Boys - they are neither saints nor savages. They overcome incredible ordeals, but they also learn how to milk the Humanitarian Aid workers, they succumb to various vices (especially gambling) when they make it to the US, they fight among themselves, and they sometimes turn on the samaritans who try to help them.
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Kewl New Words...
Not many. Subsumed : to be included in something bigger. Monyjang : what the Dinka call themselves. Literally, "man" or "man of all men".
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Excerpts...
God said, "You can either have these cattle, as my gift to you, or you can have the What." My father waited for the necessary response.
"But..." Saliq said, helping out. "What is the What?" he said, with an air of theatrical inquisitiveness. ...
"And God said to the man, 'I cannot tell you . Still, you have to choose. You have to choose between the cattle and the What.'" (pg. 62)
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"Look at it this way," he said. "There are dorms here. There are young girls, some of them only seventeen years old. You know what I mean?"
I did not know what he meant.
"Your application says you're twenty-seven years old," he said.
"Yes?"
"Well, picture some white suburban family. They're spending forty thousand dollars to send their young blond daughter to college, she's never been away from home, and the first day on campus they see a guy like you roaming the dorms?"
In his opinion, he had explained everything he needed to. (pg. 473)
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By many we have been written off as a failed experiment. We were the model Africans. For so long, this was our designation. We were applauded for our industriousness and good manners and, best of all, our devotion to our faith. The churches adored us, and the leaders they bankrolled and controlled coveted us. But now the enthusiasm has dampened. We have exhausted many of our hosts. We are young men, and young men are prone to vice. (pg. 475-76)
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Whatever I do, however, I find a way to live... (pg. 535)
If you are unfamiliar with the plight of the southern Sudanese, What Is The What will open your eyes and tug at your conscience. But for all of its merits, this book at times dragged for me. Probably because this is not a genre I particuarly enjoy.
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It is a heart-wrenching tale, and you may come away feeling guilty about your relative affluence and life-of-ease compared to Achak's. But I don't have a well-developed sense of guilt, and I usually read to be entertained, educated, or (less often) inspired, not to have my heart torn out. Maybe I've seen one too many commercials where Sally Struthers implies I'm pathetic if I don't pick up the phone right now and sponsor an African child.
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Nevertheless, What Is The What generally gets rave reviews, so I'm in the minority on this one. If you like books like The Kite Runner, you'll probably love WITW. 6½ stars from me, but YMMV.

Sleepy Head - Mark Billingham

2001; 403 pages. This is the author's debut novel. New author for me?: yes. Genre : Murder-mystery. Overall Rating : 7*/10.

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Three women are dead by the hands of a serial killer. But Detective Inspector Tom Thorne finally catches a break - the fourth and latest victim, Alison Willetts, is still alive, albeit in a vegetative state at the hospital. Then the killer sends Thorne a chilling message - the first three victims were mistakes, and he only got his technique right with Alison. And no, he doesn't intend to make her his one and only masterpiece.

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What's To Like...

"Vegetative state" isn't quite correct; it's actually something called locked-in syndrome. You can read Wiki's article on it here. Basically, all the voluntary muscles of the body are paralyzed, except the eyes. Your brain is functioning perfectly, and you can see. But there's nothing you can do about your condition. Some of the story is told from inside Alison's head, which is a new angle.

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Physically, Thorne is not your stereotypical detective hero. He's short (5'5" or so), with a low center-of-gravity, and quite um... broad around the mid-section. His fellow detectives call him "Weeble" behind his back, because he'd wobble if you pushed him.

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Yet for the most part, Sleepy Head is your standard serial killer tale. The UE is a psychopath who thinks he's brilliant (and is for most of the book), who taunts police, and who eventually comes after our hero (don't they ever learn?). Outside of his physical build, Thorne is pretty stereotypical too. He's divorced, burnt out, drinks too much, and fights with his superiors. And some of Thorne's moves - interacting with, then tailing and harassing the prime suspect - just don't ring true of a veteran cop.

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Excerpts...

Frank Keable was only a year or two older than Thorne, but looked fifty. This was more due to some genetic glitch than any kind of stress. The lads reckoned he must have started receding at about the same time he hit puberty. Whatever hormones he had left that stimulated hair growth had somehow mistakenly rerouted to his eyebrows, which hovered above his bright blue eyes like great gray caterpillars. The eyebrows were highly expressive and gave him an air of wisdom that was, to put it kindly, fortunate. Nobody begrudged him this bit of luck - it was the least you could hope for when you looked like an overfed owl with alopecia. (pg 30-31. is that a kewl description or what?!)

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He carried his newspaper to the counter and fished around for change. A woman stood next to him. A puzzle magazine, a lottery ticket and a fistful of chocolate. She smiled at him and he remembered how important his work still was. Yes, killing her would be simple and she would be far better off, no question. But nothing worth having was ever achieved easily. (pg. 265)

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Kewl New Words...

Billingham is British, which always means new words. Quiff : a tuft of hair; a forelock. Alopecia : the loss of hair. Sussed : figured out. Frisson : a shiver; a shudder. Poncy Tea : a cup of cha served at a greasy spoon (I think). Chicken vindaloo : a spicy-hot dish that includes chilis, ginger, curry, mustard, and a bunch of other spices. Wittering : babbling on at undue length. Poxy : insignificant, small and bad. (Here : 'one poxy fag')

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Wake up, Sleepyhead...

The technical flaws notwithstanding, this was a fun read. The pacing was good, there were some twists towards the end, and Thorne sometimes guesses wrong. Sleepy Head is a very good first effort, and if Billingham's writing skills get better with time, this will be a fun series to read. That is, if you can find his books. He doesn't seem to have crossed the pond much yet. Seven stars.

Tales of Ordinary Madness - Charles Bukowski

1983; 238 pages. Genre : Modern Literature; Short Stories. Overall Rating : 4½*/10.

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Tales of Ordinary Madness consists of 34 short stories and essays penned by Bukowski in the 1967-72 period, mostly for various underground and adult magazines. A majority of the entries are told in the first person, starring either Bukowski himself, or one of his alter egos - Henry Chinaski and Dan Skorski.

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What's To Like...
Short stories are a nice middle-ground for Bukowski. He can develop a theme more fully than in a poem, and he's not locked into the semi-autobiographical confines of his five novels. A lot of these stories are still told as if they come from Bukowski's life, but I suspect they are more wishful thinking than fact. The style is in-your-face, with lots of cusswords and "adult themes". Remember, he was writing these to amuse and titillate magazine readers.

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The themes can get repetitive, especially in the first half of the book. Sex, booze, smokes, playing the horses, booze, sex, more booze, despising people who come to hear him read his poetry, booze, sex, smokes, hitting on some host's wife, hangovers, smokes, sex, booze, etc.

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Bukowski is at his best when he's writing commentary (see "Notes on the Pest") and non- pseudo-auto-biographical stories (see "A .45 to Pay the Rent"). Also, the fantasy story "Animal Crackers in my Soup" is superb.

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Alas, there's a lot of paste among the gems. Bukowski had great insight and humor, and was a gifted writer when he wanted to be. But it seems too often he was writing drivel - either because of the booze or just to see if the public could tell the difference.

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Kewl New Words...

Voluting : Coiling (here, a woman's derriere as she's walking by). Involute : Complex, intricate; involved. Luxated : Dislocated (here, a luxated neck). Letch (verb) : To grasp on to something. Oh yeah, Factotum showed up again. Cue "Twilight Zone" theme music.

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Excerpts...

"Look, can I use your phone?" Mad Jimmy asked.

"Local?"

"Yes, it's local."

"Make sure it's local. I almost killed four guys the other night. Chased them all through town in my car. Finally, they pulled over. I parked behind them, cut the engine. I didn't realize they still had theirs running. When I got out, they pulled off. Very disappointing. By the time I got rolling, they were out of sight."

"They made a long distance call on your phone?"

"No, I didn't know them. It was another matter." (pg. 20)

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"either you work the overtime as the others do or you're out of a job, Skorski."

"then I'm out of a job, Blackstone."

"I've got a good mind not to pay you."

"State Labor Board."

"we'll mail you your check." (pg. 90)

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unlike you, the pest has hours of time to shoot through the head. and all his ideas are contrary to yours but he never knows this because he is continually talking and even when you get a chance to disagree, the pest does not hear. he really never hears your voice. it is just a vague area of break to him, then he continues his dialogue, and while the pest continues on you wonder how he ever got his dirty little snout into your soul... (pg. 194. I work with one of these).

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did you ever consider that lsd and color tv arrived for our consumption about the same time? (pg. 200).

If you're new to reading Bukowski, you may find TOOM shockingly refreshing. If you're a Bukoholic, you will not be disappointed. But if you're somewhere in between, the reading can be a tedious chore, especially in the first half.

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The stories in the second half show more variety and are more entertaining. Which is a pity, because a lot of readers will have probably bailed by then. I give Tales of Ordinary Madness 4½ stars, because there is some good stuff here. But it's a bit too little and a bit too late.

Night Watch - Terry Pratchett

2002; 408 pages. Book 29 in the Discworld series. Awards : #73 in the Big Read; Prometheus Award winner - 2003; nominee for Locus Award - 2003. Genre : Fantasy; Humor. Overall Rating : 9*/10.

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Just as (Captain of the Night Watch) Sam Vimes is about to nab a psychopathic killer, both of them are transported 30 years back in time. It is a different Ankh-Morpork that they find themselves in. The Night Watch bumbles; policemen ponce, the Patrician oppresses, rebellion seethes, and plotters plot. It's a bad place for a good cop, but a killer can make a killing here.

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What's To Like...

There is time-travel, albeit without much control. There are zen-like History Monks trying to put everything back in order. And there are 30-years-younger versions of a number of Ankh-Morpork's finest citizens - Nobby Nobbs, Fred Colon, Havelock Vetinari, Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler, and naturally, a pair of Sam Vimes - the naive rookie and the grizzled veteran.

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The plot itself takes center stage in Night Watch, which is unusual for a Discworld book. Normally the themes (such as Basketball, Diplomacy, Football Hooligans, etc.) or the zaniness (such as the crazy antics of Rincewind or the Witches) are in the spotlight, with just enough of a plot to hold things together. Not so here.

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There's not much to quibble about. If you've never read a Discworld book, this is probably not a good one to start with. That's about it.

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Kewl New Words...

Prima Gravida : a woman pregnant for the first time. Shonky : cheap, shoddy, and with a social stigma. Used here, "a shonky shop". Pastille : a lozenge, a cough drop. Ponce : to take with permission, but in an "extortion" sense. Gormless : stupid, dull (British slang). Skiver : a slacker, a loafer, a do-nothing (British slang).

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Excerpts...

"Slidey Harris was unlucky at cards last night, that's all. Played the ace of hearts."

'That's an unlucky card?"

"It is if Big Tony knows he didn't deal it to you. But I'll soon have it removed." (pg.138)

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"I have no idea of how things are going to turn out! I mean, doesn't it change history even if you just tread on an ant?"

"For the ant, certainly," said Qu. (pg. 240)

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Maybe the monks were right. Changing history is like damming a river. It'll find its way around. (pg. 306)

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Ave! Bossa nova, similis bossa seneca!

(Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss) (pg. 360)

Night Watch is darker and more serious than most Discworld books. There aren't as many ha-ha's, and there's no discernible theme. It's almost as if Pratchett wanted to demonstrate that he could write literature, if he so desired.

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Being out of his element, this really shouldn't have worked. But it does. Nine stars.