Nine Dragons - Michael Connelly

2009; 374 pages. A NY Times Bestseller (but what isn't?). Genre : Crime Fiction. Overall Rating : 7*/10.

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In a tough L.A. neighborhood, an elderly Chinese shop owner is brutally gunned down. Detective Harry Bosch investigates, and as he pieces the case together, he's introduced to Chinese gangs known as The Triads. Alas, someone is leaking information to the baddies and he gets a phone call telling him to back off. Then his daughter is kidnapped in Hong Kong, and a video of her, bound and gagged, is sent to Harry as a message.

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Now Harry has a very limited amount of time to rescue his daughter half a world away, then get back before his suspect flees L.A. to the safety of mainland China.

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What's To Like...

It's an action-packed story with no slow spots. Besides working on the double-pronged case, Harry has to deal with a partner that no longer has any taste for the job and a colleague from the Asian Gang Unit who can't be trusted. Harry repeatedly has bouts of foot-in-mouth disease, and some of his theories turn out to be logical, sensible, and wrong.

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There are enough plot twists to keep you on your toes, and the ending wraps up nicely, without any loose ends. There are Chinese characters in the story (always a plus for me), and a lawyer who isn't your stereotypical scumbag.

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OCONS? I got your Ocons right here...

The main problem with Nine Dragons is that there are too many OCONs, which I just made up, and which stands for "Oh, come on now!". Here are three of them.

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a.) The shopkeeper takes three bullets at close range in the chest. He's bleeding out and has 30 seconds to live. Yet he has the presence of mind to grab a key piece of evidence and swallow it. Wow. That's not how I'd be using the last half-minute of my life. b.) In the kidnap video of Harry's daughter, she tries to kick the cameraman. She misses, but the camera jerks away for a second. And just happens to briefly record the view outside the hotel window. Which has not one, not two, but three identifying objects to help in locating the hotel. Talk about a lucky break. c.) Then there's the timing of the Hong Kong rescue mission. Harry has 24 hours after he lands there to locate his daughter, kill the baddies, rescue her, and get back on a plane to L.A. to stop the suspect from fleeing. And he succeeds. Sheesh. If only the perpetrator had been bin Laden.

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There are several other Ocons, which we'll skip so as to not give any spoilers. Suffice it to say, this is not a Police Procedural tale. Harry waltzes into Hong Kong, refuses to even contact the local police, sashays out with his daughter in tow while leaving nine corpses in his wake, and Hong Kong law enforcement is clueless the whole time. Yeah, like that would happen.

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Kewl New Words...

Funicular : describing a tram (or other conveyance) that goes up the side of a mountain, pulled by a cable. Gimballed : describing how a ship's compass is suspended so that it's unaffected by the movement of the boat. The technical aspect of a gimbal is interesting, but not worth detailing here.

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Excerpt...

"Kowloon," Starkey said. "Sounds sort of ominous."

"My daughter told me it means 'Nine Dragons.'"

"See, I told you. Who would name their neighborhood Nine Dragons unless they wanted to scare people away?"

"It comes from a legend. During one of the old dynasties the emperor was supposedly just a boy who got chased by the Mongols into the area that is now Hong kong. He saw the eight mountain peaks that surrounded it and wanted to call the place Eight Dragons. But one of the men who guarded him reminded him that the emperor was a dragon too. So they called it Nine Dragons. Kowloon." (pg. 143)

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Fu, Cai. Ai, Xi.

("Luck, Money, Love, Family", and tattooed on the shopkeeper's ankles)...

There's no denying that the Ocons present some believability issues. I don't think this will go down as one of the better Harry Bosch books. But Connelly has always been a master storyteller, and that's still true here. Nine Dragons is fiction, not literature; and works just fine as long as you don't stop to analyze the details. We'll give it 7 stars, recommending that you turn the right-hand half of your brain off and just enjoy the ride.

Yo, Tyrania - Ric Weiss

2010; 296 pages. Genre : Fiction; Satire. Suitable both for YA and adult readers. Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

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Full Disclosure. I have never met Ric, but I've followed his blog for years, and so am cyber-acquainted with him. His blog is here, and his new webpage is here. No promises were made re this review, and I paid full-price for my copy of Yo, Tyrania when I ordered it through my local Barnes & Noble. It is also available through Amazon. I truly enjoyed this book, but I recognize that knowing the author may subconsciously color my opinion a bit.

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Tyrania is a miniscule kingdom located high in the Alps, in or abutting Switzerland. Its horrible location (it is on the side of a mountain, not nestled in a valley), Neanderthal genes, and persistent inbreeding have left it isolated (except for a rare, straying tour bus) and technologically ignorant.

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12-year-old Queen Doreen is determined to change all that, and so recruits (or shanghais) a passing tourist, Eula Gibson, to teach her and a couple select friends all about the outside world. Mayhem, culture-shock, and intrigue ensue.

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What's To Like...

The author lays out an a Tyranian society vastly different from ours. Examples : no pets, tourists eat free, no weekends, and a genuine appreciation for noisy flatulence. He also gives you some great Tyranian idioms, a couple of which you can hear on the audio clip at his website.

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The characters are engaging. Our hero is a 30-year-old, black-American schoolteacher with a 'tude. The Tyranians are hilariously backward and none of them is "all black" or "all white". The good Queen is a bit of a brat; and the bevy of baddies are nevertheless likable. Then there are things like MacYeno's, St. Nuflurg's Day, and the Tyranian meaning of "Eula".

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The main theme seems to change every so often. It starts out as a The King and I story; then switches to focus more on the cultural impact (as in The Gods Must Be Crazy), and later still changes to political satire (think Animal Farm). At the end, it morphs into an action tale, which YA readers will eat up. Ric handles this all adeptly, and I'll avoid spoilers by simply saying that none of these four themes has a clichéd ending. Which is a pleasant change.

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There are some great references to oldie movies and TV shows - Lost In Space, The Sound of Music, Bewitched, Gentle Ben, F Troop, and one of my childhood favorites - Car 54, Where Are You? Most of these will probably leave any reader under 30 scrambling for Google. Some of the other references are equally obscure. I had to wiki Vladimir Zworykin to see why he was said to be one of the two major influences (the other being Eula) on Tyranian culture.

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Kewl New Words...

Précis : a summary or abstract. Plenitude : an ample quantity; a full supply. Inculcate : to teach and impress certain concepts on someone. Cachet : an indication of approved status; a mark of distinction. Prolix : tediously prolonged or wordy. Portmanteau : a new word made by combining two others (eg. : smog (smoke + fog) or chortle (chuckle + snort).

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Excerpts...

"This is your Congress?" Eula wondered, gaping at the motley bunch. "They look like the most hopeless scum you'd dredge out of a gutter."

"They are," Polonowitz replied. "They are chosen to legislate because they have no other useful skills." (pg. 34)

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She was a victim of a craving larger than herself. There was only one way to confront that craving. Despite all that had transpired, she felt compelled to return to Tyrania, land of the Silent Yodel, of the Burning Zvuts, of the Beaver reborn as a Phoenix - before she went bananas. (pg. 173)

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Fluytl klugs himsblek. Which is translated as :

It never pays to be in arrears

To those who'd impale you on their spears.

The overall style reminded me of another childhood favorite - Rocky & Bullwinkle - in that there was both a superficial storyline (for the YA readers) and a subtler, more complex one (for the adult readers). Both are quite enjoyable, but it has to vex an agent trying to determine a target audience.

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Ric points out that "all of the above" is a suitable answer, but the agent might counter with a memorable line from a long-forgotten movie. "A point in every direction is the same as no point at all."

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In the end, this is a labor-of-love that is well-written and honestly kept my interest throughout. We'll give it 8½ stars, and highly recommend it. So give your support to a first-time author (you can say you were reading him even before he first made the NYT best-sellers list) and pay a visit to your local Barnes & Noble store soon. Order Yo, Tyrania, while testily asking the salesclerk (as I did) why B&N isn't already stocking this hot, new novel.

Moving Pictures - Terry Pratchett

1990; 337 pages. Book #10 in the Discworld series. Genre : Fantasy; Comedy. Overall Rating : 6*/10.

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Moving Pictures is Pratchett's salute to the Motion Picture industry, here called "Holy Wood". The Ankh-Morpork alchemists have (re)-discovered something called "octo-cellulose", which plunges them into making movies (silents, and in black-&-white) and reviving the deserted patch where long ago in a bygone era, film lots and sets were once constructed.

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Going to the movies becomes instantly and incredibly popular in Ankh-Morpork. But something is not quite right. The equilibrium between reality and unreality has shifted. As the people become more enamored with the silver-screen fantasies, some of the real world is slipping away. And in its place...

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What's To Like...

Pratchett pays tribute to all sorts of movies and TV shows. To list a few : Lassie, Tom & Jerry (or is it Itchy & Scratchy?), The Thief of Bagdad, The Wizard of Oz, Gone With the Wind, Ben Hur, Jaws, and King Kong. So if movies are your thing, reading Moving Pictures will bring back fond memories.

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A lot of old Discworld friends are here - Gaspode the Wonder Dog (one of my favorites), Detritus the Troll, Cut Me Own Throat Dibbler (call him "CMOT" for short), the Librarian (Oook!), and all the Ankh-Morpork alchemists and wizards, including Archchancellor Ridcully.

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There is the usual plenitude of plotlines. For Mystery lovers, there's something called a resograph, which keeps shooting potentially-lethal pellets around the Unseen University hall for no discernible reason. For you Romantics, there's a trolls-in-love story. And if it's Action you want, how 'bout an Elephant Drive, with 1000 pachyderms tromping over everything, leaving only poop and dust in their wake?

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Quibbles...

The two main cinematic idols - Victor Tugelbend and Ginger (real name : Theda Withel) are kinda blah. Pratchett may have agreed; ANAICT, they're "once-and-dones". The plot is good, but it really doesn't get going until 2/3 of the way through the book. The book lacks the usual quantity of zaniness and humor we've come to expect of Discworld novels.

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But the ending is great. No spoilers here; we'll just say that it's kinda like watching an insane, inverted King Kong flick.

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Kewl New Words...

Crinoline : A hoop-skirt. Languorous : dreamy; lacking spirit or liveliness. Brassica : Cabbages, cauliflowers, turnips, and such (Pratchett somehow is able to turn this into an adjective). Fractious : Stubbornly resistant to authority or control. Pillock : A person whos's not very bright; an idiot.

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Excerpts...

"Now look here," said Rock, his voice winding up like a pitcher's arm. "What you're saying is, is OK for trolls to be shown bashing people with clubs, is not OK to show trolls have finer feelings like squashy humans?"

"She's not saying that at all," said Soll desperately. "She's not-"

"If you cut me, do I not bleed?" said Rock.

No, you don't," said Soll, "but-"

"Ah, yes, but I would bleed if I had blood..." (pg. 202)

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"It's deliquescing," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

"Is it?" said the Chair. "I thought that was some kind of shop." (pg. 308)

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The Movies. The Magic. The Mayhem. And a Talking Mutt.

This is not the finest book in the Discworld series, but an "okay" Pratchett book is still pretty good. Personally, there were too many movie tributes and not enough plot for the first 200 pages. But I'm not a cinema buff.

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When the story finally does get going, Pratchett is back in his element, and it's a great read. But that's a lot of "meh" to wade through first. So we'll give it 6 stars, and suggest that if you've never read a Discworld book, don't make Moving Pictures your first one.

Cryptonomicon - Neal Stephenson

1999; 1130 pages. Awards : Locus Award 2000 - Best Sci-Fi Novel. Which is strange, since there's no science fiction in it. Nominated for a Hugo and an Arthur C. Clarke Award that same year. Genre : Cyberpunk; Historical Fiction. Overall Rating : 8*/10.

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Cryptonomicon alternates between two storylines. One is set in World War 2, and chronicles the cryptography and counter-intelligence tactics employed against the Axis. There are three main characters - Bobby Shaftoe, a GI grunt; Lawrence Pritchard Waterhouse, who combines mathematics, code-breaking, and a learning disability; and Goto Dengo, who somehow survives an ordeal that makes Robinson Crusoe's fate seem like a walk in the park.

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The second storyline is set in the present, and follows the descendants of those WW2 characters as they try to set up an electronic-finance company, and their efforts to make it hacker-proof.

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What's To Like...

Not surprisingly, there are lots of descriptive passages. The WW2 parts are well-researched, as is (I presume) the modern-day hacking technology. Its simply amazing how "public" your PC is, thanks to techniques such as phreaking.

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Stephenson creates some vivid fictional places, such as a tropical sultanate called Kinakuta, and a North Sea area called Outer (and Inner) Qwghlm, with its very own Welsh-sounding, vowel-less language. He deftly moves characters all around the world in order to give a comprehensive picture of WW2 counterintelligence and modern day cyber-security. Oh yeah, the compendium of Cryptography, called the Cryptonomicon, is fictional too.

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There is some occasional sloppiness. "Qwghlm" becomes "Qwlghm" late in the book, and there is an unexplained resurrection to addle your mind. Stephenson regularly segues into flashbacks without telling you. There are lots of tangents to deal with, including ten pages about how Ares and Athena are kinda the same god/goddess, except different. Oog.

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Kewl New Words...

Lots of 'em. Here are the kewlest ones. Lissajous : a mathematically-defined curve (like what you see on an oscilloscope). Gnomon : the "arm" of a sundial that determines what time it is. Myrmidons : followers who carry out orders without question. Obloquy : a state of disgrace. Mickle (adj.) : great (here : "a mickle oath"). Tautological : needless repetition of the same sense, but in different words. Colloquy : a formal conversation. Lambency : the appearance of reflected light (as of a sunset on water). Lahar : an avalanche of water and mud down the slopes of a volcano.

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Excerpt...

They gave him an intelligence test. The first question on the math part had to do with boats on a river : Port Smith is 100 miles upstream of Port Jones. The river flows at 5 miles per hour. The boat goes through water at 10 miles per hour. How long does it take to go from Port Smith to Port Jones? How long to come back?

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Lawrence immediately saw that it was a trick question. You would have to be some kind of idiot to make the facile assumption that the current would add or subtract 5 miles per hour to or from the speed of the boat. Clearly, 5 miles per hour was nothing more than the average speed. The current would be faster in the middle of the river and slower at the banks. More complicated variations could be expected at the bends of the river. Basically it was a question of hydrodynamics, which could be tackled using certain well-known systems of differential equations.

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The ship had a band, and the Navy had given Lawrence the job of playing glockenspiel in it, because their testing procedures had proven that he was not intelligent enough to do anything else. (pgs. 26-27)

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Two tires fly. Two wail.

A bamboo grove, all chopped down

From it, warring songs. (the opening haiku)

You will enjoy Cryptonomicon if you're into WW2 history (I am), cryptography (I'm not), pure mathematics (I'm not), and/or computer hacking (I'm not). It is a book for geeks; but non-geeks can still enjoy the subtle humor (such as in the above excerpt) that runs throughout the book; and Stephenson's writing skills.

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The two storylines do eventually tie together, and there is a good ending. The modern-day plot is a yawner for a while - endless meetings, musings, and meandering around Manila. Cryptonomicon is a difficult, long read; so realize beforehand that you will be investing some major hours in this book. I give it 8 stars, cuz the WW2 parts were great, the writing is excellent, and we all really ought to occasionally read a book that's longer than 500 pages.

A Dirty Job - Christopher Moore

2006; 394 pages. Includes an "Are You A Beta Male" quiz in the Appendix, and a cool glow-in-the-dark book cover. Genre : Fiction; Humor. Overall Rating : 9½ */10.

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"Congratulations, you have been chosen to act as Death. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. It is your duty to retrieve soul vessels from the dead and dying and see them to their next body. If you fail, Darkness will cover the world, and Chaos will reign." (pg. 110)

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Thus does Charlie Asher, a Beta Male caring for his newborn daughter (Sophie), learn that he has been given a new job. And which isn't really a spoiler, since you can learn that much by reading the back-cover blurb.

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What's To Like...

There's great humor throughout. Extra credit for making me laugh out loud in a number of places. It's nice to have a Beta Male hero. Even if they don't attract the beautiful girls, remember : "The world may be led by Alpha Males but it is is run by Betas." (pg. 394)

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ADJ is almost a companion book of Moore's vampire books - You Suck and Bloodsucking Fiends. A number of characters from those make appearances here - The Emperor and his dogs, Lazarus and Bummer; the detectives Cavuto and Rivera; and the GF Abby. But there are plenty of new faces too - A tall, black guy in a dapper suit named Minty Fresh; a UE (or so he thinks) named Orcus; two bubble-bath loving hellhounds; and three hilarious harpy-like evilnesses called The Morrigan.

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There are lots of twists. There is Romance for you female readers. There are great metaphors, like "...the great orange towers of the Golden Gate Bridge jutted through the fog like carrots from the faces of sleeping conjoined twin snowmen" or "... the mailman was wearing headphones and listening to something that was inspiring him to bob his head like a pigeon feeding on amphetamines..." (both on pg. 46).

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And just to show you he's not limited to penning wacky humor, Moore inserts a moving interlude of seriousness into the story when Charlie's mother passes away.

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Kewl New Words...

Ramekin : A fire-proof dish (or a cheese dish made with eggs and bread crumbs cooked in said dish, but here it refers to the vessel itself). Shiksa : Jewish, meaning a non-Jewish woman, and a derogatory term. Multifarious : Having many aspects or facets; richly varied.

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Excerpts...

We've given plenty already, but here's one more.

"Why isn't that kid in school?" Rivera asked.

"She's special," Charlie said. "You know, homeschooled."

"That's what makes her so cheerful?"

"She's studying the Existentialists this month. Asked for a study day last week to kill an Arab on the beach." (pg. 70)

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Moore, if you please...

It's hard to think of any negatives. Spoofing Death may not be everyone's cup of tea. The "adult situations" may make some readers blanch. There are several cases of Deus Ex Machina. But who the heck cares? It's a fun read.

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The story has a good ending, yet leaves the door plenty open for a sequel. I'll probably eventually read a Moore book that leaves me "meh", but it hasn't happened yet. So far, he's 3-for-3. We'll give A Dirty Job 9½ stars. If you like Pratchett and Fforde, you will likely find Christopher Moore appealing to the palate.

Minority Report - Philip K. Dick

2002; 290 pages. A tie-in book with the Steven Spielberg movie. Genre : Sci-Fi Short Stories Anthology. Overall Rating : 6½ */10.

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Question : What do the movies Minority Report (with Tom Cruise), Blade Runner (with Harrison Ford), and Total Recall (with Arnold Schwarzensteroids) have in common? Answer : They're all based on stories penned by Philip K. Dick.

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This book is a collection of nine short tales by Dick, the longest of which is only 50 pages. All of them are futuristic sci-fi stories (think Robert Heinlein), and all of them have at least one cool twist in the plot.

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Simply The Best...

The showcase story of course is Minority Report, and it was my favorite of the bunch. The story tackles the subject of "free will vs. predestination", and has several unexpected turns in it.

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Second Variety is set in a world reminiscent of the future time-period in the Terminator movies, but was written way back in 1953. Oh, To Be a Blobel! is from 1964, and focuses on the plight of veterans, in this case hanging out at the VUW (Veterans of Unnatural Wars). What The Dead Men Say is also from 1964, and looks at cryogenics long before it was feasible. Ted Williams shooda read this one before he had himself froze.

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Simply The Rest...

The other five - Imposter, War Games, Electric Ant, Faith of our Fathers, and We Can Remember it for You Wholesale (the story Total Recall is based on) are "meh", but that's because they are mostly the shorter offerings in Minority Report. It's tough to write a memorable epic in 10 pages.

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Kewl New Words...

Vitiated : corrupted. Somatic : relating to the body (as opposed to the mind or spirit). Introject : to incorporate the characteristics of someone into one's own psyche unconsciously. Simulacrum : a vague or unreal semblance of something.

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Excerpts...

"With the aid of your precog mutants, you've boldly and successfully abolished the postcrime punitive system of jails and fines. As we all realize, punishment was never much of a deterrent, and could scarcely have afforded comfort to a victim already dead."

They had come to the descent lift. As it carried them swiftly downward, Anderton said : "You've probably grasped the basic legalistic drawback to precrime methodology. We're taking in individuals who have broken no law."

"But they surely will," Witwer affirmed with conviction. (pgs 2-3).

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The peddler reached, selected a gray paper packet. "Sixty trade dollars," he stated. "With a full guarantee; if it does not do as promised, return the unused portion for a full and cheery refund."

"And what," Chien said cuttingly, "is it guaranteed to do?"

"It will rest eyes fatigued by the countenance of meaningless official monologues," the peddler said. "A soothing preparation; take it as soon as you find yourself exposed to the usual dry and lengthy sermons which-" (pg. 233)

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A couple words about Philip K. Dick...

Although he won a Hugo Award for Best Novel in 1963, for most of his life, Philip K. Dick (his real name, and the "K" stands for "Kindred") was an unknown, starving artist. The Wikipedia article on him is here. His mental health was shaky at best, but it allowed him to meet God (who went by the name of "Valis") and have metaphysical visions. The drugs probably contributed to this.

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He died just as work was starting on the movie Blade Runner. Like John Kennedy Toole, he achieved fame and fortune only after he passed away. Today, his biggest following seems to be out on the Internet, where devoted readers of Dick regularly tout his works.

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The Ver-Dick...

One needs to remember who the target audience was for these stories. Most of them appeared initially in sci-fi magazines and anthologies. Teenage boys care very little about things like character development and literary merits. The only thing that matters is the storyline. That pretty much sums up the style here. Fiction this is. Literature it ain't.

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These are entertaining tales, but only if you're into 60's sci fi. Because of their shortness, there isn't a lot of depth. So I wonder - does he flesh out the plotlines and characters in his full-length novels? Heinlein's novels, of the same genre and written in the same time-period, certainly have substance. I give Minority Report 6½ stars - because it's above-average in what it sets out to do - introduce you to a new author, presumably after you saw the movie. Just keep your expectations in line with whom Dick was writing for.