You Only Live Once - Haris Orkin

   2018; 256 pages.  Book 1 (out of 5) in the “A James Flynn Escapade” series.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : Humorous Crime Fiction; Thriller; Spy Spoof.  Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

 

     My name’s Flynn.  James Flynn.  I like my vodka martinis shaken, not stirred.  I’m an agent of HMSS, which stands for “Her Majesty’s Secret Service”.  I’m one of the “Double Zero” agents, which means I have a license to kill.

 

    I answer to the Queen & Country only, so please don’t interfere in anything you see me doing..

 

    His name’s Flynn.  James Flynn.  He’s forbidden to have any alcohol.  He’s a resident here at City of Roses Psychiatric.  It’s an asylum, part of the HMSS, which stands for “Health Management System Services”.  He has severe delusional issues.  I should know.  My name’s Sancho, and I’m an orderly here.

 

    Flynn’s our most troublesome patient by far.  He routinely leaves the asylum without permission.  If you see him, please contact HMSS immediately.

 

What’s To Like...

    You Only Live Once was my introduction to a entertaining four-book (soon to be five) spy spoof series by Haris Orkin.  As given above, our hero is Flynn, James Flynn, an inmate at a mental hospital here in the US who’s convinced he’s a British super spy.  Most of the story takes place in the greater Los Angeles area, with jaunts/flashbacks to Nevada (Laughlin), Arizona (Mesa), and south of the border (Baja, California).

 

    Haris Orkin did a really good job of creating a unique protagonist.  Flynn may be nutso, but he's handsome, charismatic, and knows some slick and evasive fighting moves which allow him to escape the clutches of orderlies and shrinks.  But he’s not a superhero; thugs, such as bikers and bodyguards, usually beat the crap out of him.

 

    Several of the chapters start with a short excerpt detailing the history and/or geography of whatever and/or wherever Flynn is about to wreak havoc.  I especially liked the brief biography of Tiburcio Vasquez, a California bandit I’d never heard of.  Wiki him.

 

    I loved the abundant use of what I call “conversational Spanish”.  I had several Hispanic roommates back in my single days, and they taught me all sorts of phrases with which to order a beer, or get into a fight at any local Latino bar.  Some of the phrases are everyday slang, such as ese and vato.  A lot more of them are pejorative, the sort of words that college language professors are forbidden to teach you.

 

    As you’d expect in any thriller, everything builds to a tense showdown between the bad guys and Flynn, with his faithful pal Sancho helping him out.  After the dust settles, we reach an epilogue where Flynn has to choose where he’ll spend his foreseeable future.  Despite all the spoofery, this left a lump in my throat.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.4/5 based on 792 ratings and 154 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.18/5 based on 582 ratings and 104 reviews.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

    Tsantsa (n.) : a shrunken head (Ecuadoran).

 

Excerpts...

    James moved into a fighting stance, slicing his hands through the air like Bruce Lee.  “Mr. Flynn, please,” said Grossfarber.  “We’re all here to help you.”

    “Help me what?”

    “Get well.”

    O’Malley and Barker stepped closer.  Flynn gracefully backed away.  “Gentlemen, I must warn you, I know thirty-seven different ways to kill a man with my bare hands, five of which only require the use of my right middle finger.”  Flynn flipped the orderlies the bird with both hands.  (loc. 403)

 

    A magnum of champagne exploded against Mendoza’s skull.  The big man slumped forward, his hair covered with glass and champagne bubbles.  Flynn used whatever strength he had left to push the big man to one side.  He saw Sancho standing over him, his nose bloody, and the broken neck of the champagne bottle still in his hand.  Flynn glanced at the label decorating Mendoza’s head.  “A 1990 Dom Perignon?  Are you out of your mind?”  (loc. 3372)

 

Kindle Details…

    You Only Live Once costs $4.99 at Amazon right now.  The other books in the series range in price from 2.99, to $5.99.  Haris Orkin also has two instructional e-books on the subject of Video Game Writing, something he does when he’s not penning James Flynn novels.  Those will run you $40.18 and $56.96.  Wowza.

 

When it came to boats, Flynn didn’t know his ass from a poop deck.  (loc. 2447)

    There are a couple of nits to pick.

 

    I counted 29 instances of cussing in the first 10% of the book, which seemed a lot.  Later on, there were multiple terms, in both Spanish and English, used to describe genitalia of both genders, and what to do with them.  This didn’t offend me, but I was a bit surprised since the series is a parody of Ian Fleming’s James Bond series, which IIRC, is quite clean with regard to R-rated stuff.

 

    There were also a lot of typos.  Things like Mongol’s/Mongols, clue/cue, homes/Holmes, poured/pored, and hair brush/hairbrush.  Another round of editing might have taken care of this.

 

    But these are quibbles.  I found You Only Live Once to be entertaining from beginning to end, with just the right balance between thrills-&-spills, intrigue, humor, and human drama.  Writing a spoof a well-known series is always a risky affair, but kudos to Haris Orkin for chancing it, because here it worked marvelously.

 

    8½ Stars.  If conversational Spanish is not your cup of tequila, be of good cheer.  You will also learn how to say the f-bomb in three other foreign languages while reading this book!