2018; 219 pages. New Author? : Yes. Genres : Historical Fiction; Dark Humor. Overall Rating : 7½*/10.
The Danes are coming! The Danes are coming.!
We’d call them “Vikings”,
except they’re coming by land, not sea.
Right now, they’ve almost made it to Medeshamstede Abbey, and when they
get here, they’ll pillage and loot the place.
They’re a bunch of pagans, so they’ll also exterminate all the monks
there, either by killing them or selling them in the slave market.
Abbot Flory, the head of
Medeshamstede Abbey, has done the sensible thing – gathered together everything
and everyone of value and fled to a hiding place that was made just for an emergency like this. The Abbey's most valuable
asset is an ancient Holy Book, with a cover made of gold, and inlaid with
jewels. Flory's most pious and most trusted
monks are accompanying him.
Brother Conrad has been left
behind at the abbey. Frankly, Abbot
Flory will be thankful if the Danes take that wayward monk off his hands. The Abbot has made sure no one told Brother
Conrad about the secret hiding place.
But what if Conrad finds out about the secret lair before the Danes capture him? What if he realizes Abbot Flory considers him "expendable"?
May the saints
preserve us if that happens!
What’s To Like...
Conrad Monk and the
Great Heathen Army is set in the late ninth century CE, with England on
its last legs trying to stave off the Danes who have already conquered every
local kingdom except Wessex. This tale chronicles the adventures of the rogue monk, Brother Conrad, and his pious but
clueless companion, Brother Odo.
The storyline may be a farce,
but its adherence to English history is astounding. Outside of our two protagonists, and the rest
of the monastic staff, most of the other characters and settings actually existed. There is a “Historical Note” section at the
end of the book in which Edoardo Albert details what is real and what is
literary license. It is well worth
reading.
This was a quick, easy, and
entertaining read for me. Conrad’s endeavors
are straightforward and highly optimistic.
He aims to locate and retrieve the Holy Book, come to the aid of his
fellow monks (“it’s all part of the plan!”),
kiss up to the Saxon leaders in Wessex, and try not to get killed by the
marauding Danes. He doesn’t succeed in
all these endeavors, but he comes close.
The author resides in
London, so the book is written in “English”, not “American”. I didn’t find that distracting at all. It's written in the first-person POV (Conrad’s) and I loved the way the dark humor was cleverly woven into a pivotal time in
British history. The use of the subject
of “piles” as a conversational
ice-breaker made me chuckle, and enjoyed the mention of the town of Stane, which nowadays is called Staines, and is a place I’ve actually visited.
The ending is both exciting
and comical, which is no small literary feat.
Yes, Conrad saves the day, but it takes some clever and fortuitous
tactics to do so. The story closes with
a satisfying epilogue, letting the reader know what is in store for Brother Conrad in the
next chapter of his life.
Kewlest New Word ...
Tupping (v.) : bonking. (British, slang).
Ratings…
Amazon:
3.8/5
based on 186 ratings and 24 reviews.
Goodreads: 3.66/5 based on 145
ratings and 34 reviews.
Kindle Details…
Conrad
Monk and the Great Heathen Army presently sells for $2.99 at Amazon. Edoardo Albert has several dozen other
e-books at Amazon for your reading pleasure, both fiction and non-fiction, and ranging
in price from $2.99 to $21.95.
Excerpts...
“I am truly sorry,” said Edmund. I would not have gagged you, but the Danes
will soon be here, and I must be able to speak to them without interruption.”
“Mmph, mmph!”
“Do not worry. I will remove the gag when the time comes so
that you will have the chance to make your statement of faith. But first, you must let me speak to the
Danes.”
“Mmph, mmph, mmph!”
“Of course I will let you speak with them
as well.”
“Mmph.”
“When the time comes for us to die as
martyrs, in sacrifice for our people.”
“Mmph, mmph, mmph, mmph!” (loc. 1508
The first thing Aethelred thought to do,
when we arrived at where he was camped with his retainers, was to grab me round
the throat and start squeezing.
“Why didn’t you tell us the Danes had
another way out of their camp?” he snarled at me, his eyes popping with
rage. “Are you a traitor, a spy?”
Normally I would have answered by some jest
or pun, or suggested by supercilious silence that the question was beneath my
episcopal dignity, but I could not speak due to the king’s hands around my
windpipe. Nor could I affect clerical
outrage on account of dangling in the air from my neck. (loc. 2945)
“You know how it
is: rumours fly while the truth is stumbling around trying to find the door in
the stable.” (loc.
3660)
Conrad
Monk and the Great Heathen Army is an incredibly clean novel. I noted just two cusswords in the entire
book, which greatly impressed me. There’s
one roll-in-the-hay, but it’s more comical than lewd. And a prince gets urinated upon, but that was an accident.
A lot of the storyline is
devoted to Conrad’s glib tongue and his ability to spin persuasive lines of
malarkey to Danes and Saxons alike. This
means there’s not a lot of action at first, which is surprising, given the all
the warfare going or around our heroes.
But things build to a suitably-exciting climactic battle at the end, which should satisfy
those readers (including me) who like
thrills-&-spills in their historical fiction novels.
7½ Stars. The Epilogue hints at a sequel to Conrad Monk and the Great Heathen Army. Wessex still stands but the Danes control the rest of 9th-century England. Some plot threads are left dangling for Brothers Conrad and Odo to address in their semi-roguish, semi-pious ways. However ANAICT, their next escapade has not been penned yet. Hopefully Edoardo Albert is working on it.
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