Grunts - Mary Gentle

1992; 480 pages. Genre : High Fantasy; Parody. New Author? : No. Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

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Sing along now. "Orcs! HUNH! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing!"

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Well not quite. They're good for cannon-fodder in Good-vs.-Evil battles. A bunch of big, hybrid, stupid, mean-tempered hamburger meat for elves, dwarves, and other good guys to use for target practice. Exceedingly expendable. Expected to last for one battle only.

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But what if orcs got tired of all that? What if circumstances turned them into a squad of highly-trained US marines, with AK-47's, bazookas, stealth jets, and tanks? How would they then fare against the Forces of Light? That's what Mary Gentle examines in Grunts!

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What's To Like...

Grunts! takes a playful poke at all those epic fantasies we've read, enjoyed, and gotten tired of for having the same old plotline. There are elves and halflings, Aes Sedai, and secret "finger-talking" (from - I think - some David Eddings series that I now only vaguely recall). There's a dragon to be slain, mages with spells, and even a Balrog and a Gandalf knock-off.

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But things aren't as usual. The elves are bigoted; the orcs are tired of gettng killed; and the halflings are positively nasty. The Evil Lord wants to win - but via the electoral process.

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To me, Grunts! had the feel like a well-run D&D quest or a Warhammer campaign. There was lots of action, a goodly amount of humor, and enough twists to keep you wondering which sacred cow Ms. Gentle would slay next. But keep in mind that war in general, and orcs in particular, are brutal and merciless. The language is coarse, and the violence is profuse and graphic. This is not a book for the kiddies.

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Excerpts...

The orc encampment steamed gently in the sunshine.

Barashkukor, leaning scabby elbows on the parapet of the Nin-Edin fort, gazed down from the mountainside at a wilderness only the vultures could love. He tilted his dented helmet back on his head. "So what do you get if you cut the legs off a warrior?"

Marukka gave a baritone chuckle, waving her jagged sword in the air for emphasis. "A low-down bum!" (pg. 16)

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"You don't like elves, do you, orc - I mean, gunnery Sergeant?"

"Me?" The orc grinned and shrugged, massive shoulders rising almost to her pricked ears. "Man, I just love elf! You can't beat roast and basted elf-haunch. Unless it's breast-of-elf with chilli peppers." (pg. 243)

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The Dark Lord surveyed the benches to left and right of the Throne. Her delicate profile turned to Ashnak. "Shall I preside well, do you think, little orc? This power has been so long in the achieving, I think I have forgotten what it was I would do with it."

"Buck up, Ma'am!" Ashnak removed his forage cap, coming solidly to attention. "You just do what every other Ruler of the World's done and You'll be all right - reward a few, hang a few, and tax everything that moves." (pgs. 448-449)

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A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to stay out of a firefight. (pg. 322)

My impression is that this was not a serious literary effort by Mary Gentle. The plot is a tad disjointed - the orc-transformation is glossed over, and a human from our dimension gets sucked into the story for little discernible reason. A little bit of re-write might've tightenend things up considerably.

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But that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy Grunts! It entertained me throughout, as the Ash series is likewise doing. It is not for the prudish or those who deem Tolkien to be sacrosanct. But if you loved those "off-beat" D&D quests, or just want to see the Orcs come out on the winning side for once, Grunts! is for you. 7½ Stars.