Funny For Nothing - Drew Gallagher

    2026; 198 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : Humorous Essays; Satire; Anthology; Newspaper Tie-In.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    Hey, let's test your general knowledge.  In all sorts of categories.

 

    Music: Which type of Kazoo is best when playing orchestral pieces: metal or plastic?

    RPGs: How long has Dungeons & Dragons been around?

    Communication: What is the proper way to flip the bird to someone?

    Famous People: Who the heck is/was Elizabeth McGlinchy Flatbush Ratcliffe?

    Famous People, Part 2: Who the heck is/was Wee Willie Tinkler?

    Dolphin Sex: Gay, straight, or both?  For fun, procreation, or both?

    Entertainment:  Who is the #1 Humorist in Virginia?

 

    The answers to all these questions, and oodles more, can be found Drew Gallagher’s hilarious new book, Funny For Nothing.  Well, all except for that “#1 Virginia Humorist” query.  That’s privileged information.

 

    However, we will reveal who the #2 Humorist in Virginia is.

 

What’s To Like...

  Funny For Nothing is a collection of newspaper columns written by Drew and previously published in the Fredericksburg, Virginia newspaper FXBG Advance in 2024-2025.  Things open with a Foreword. recounting how the book came to be; then 34 columns follow, divided into 9 sections, to wit:

 

    01. My Life in Politics  (pg. 6)

    02. All the World’s a Stage  (pg. 22)

    03. Gay Dolphins, Pool Toys, and Sex with T-Rex  (pg. 41)

    04. When Words Fail, Music Speaks (I Fail a Lot)  (pg. 57)

    05. Milestones  (pg. 85)

    06. Made Up History in Memoriam  (pg. 101)

    07. Friends and Lovers  (pg. 123)

    08.Toil and Trouble  (pg. 149)

    09. A Word from Our Sponsor  (pg. 178)

 

    Full Disclosure: I’ve never been a big reader of newspaper columns, so I was a little leery about picking up this book.  I knew the Music and History sections would resonate with me, since I love those topics.  But I don’t know squat about Virginia politics, nor anything about the author’s friends and life story.

 

    I shouldn’t have worried.  Drew’s writing style is witty and informative, and most importantly, easy and fun to read.  You can glimpse the early roots of his skills in poems from his school days, several of which are included here.  All the columns kept my interest, and my favorite ones were The Molly Pitcher Amalgam, The Bird is The Word, and White Men Without Hats.  YMMV.

 

    I was surprised at how closely Drew’s tastes in music, literature, and movies matched up with my own.  He loves Kurt Vonnegut, Christopher Moore, and e.e. cummings; so do I.  He digs Monty Python, and Waiting for Godot, as do I.  And his music references are fantastic!  Warren Zevon, Tom Morello, Enya, John Prine, Randy Newman, The Hooters all get mentioned in this book; plus dozens more.  I'd love to see a list of the concerts he’s attended in one of his future columns!

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  5.0/5 based on 4 ratings and 4 reviews.

    Goodreads: 5.00/5 based on 2 ratings and 1 review.

 

Excerpts...

    For some readers of this column, D&D turning 50 will likely unleash of nostalgia that probably includes the books of J.R.R. Tolkien and memories of spending late nights enthralled in adventures of the imagination and fantasizing about what it might be like to feel the touch of a real girl rather than wandering darkened woods with dwarves and gnomes.  For other readers, the mere mention of D&D is their cue to read no further in this column because, well, it’s a column on a game that used dice of assorted shapes and sizes and was played by boys who, in study hall, wanted to tell you about their half-elf ranger named Thrace.  (pg. 92)

 

    There were some homestands where I didn’t see my place in Fredericksburg for more than a week which cost me a friendship and possibly a romance that would not have ended well because she did not like beer or baseball.  She was a college friend who tried to show her interest in me by leaving a single rose on my doorstep but it was at the start of a homestand.  It was a romantic gesture and, symbolically, was supposed to signal to me that she was interested in being something more than friends.  The gesture failed dramatically though when I finally saw the symbol dead and wilted on my doorstep 10 days later.  (pg. 134)

 

Kindle Details…

    The e-book version of Funny For Nothing is currently priced at $5.99 at Amazon.  It is also available in paperback, which costs $14.99 right now.  This is Drew’s first published work, but here's hoping he’s working on a follow-up.

 

“Drew died doing what he loved. Writing about T-Rex sex with women.”  (pg. 53)

    There’s a light sprinkling of profanity in Funny For Nothing; I noticed just four instances in the first 20% of the book.  This mildly surprised me because I don’t recall ever seeing newspaper columns including cusswords in their text.  But maybe I’m behind the times.

 

    It should be noted that topics like sexual orientation, race relations, and state and national politics are fair game for Drew’s columns.  I gather that the Fredericksburg Advance newspaper is viewed to be the city’s left-leaning publication.  MAGA enthusiasts should probably give Funny For Nothing a pass.

 

    I spotted three typos in the whole book, all of them ticky-tacky: Adbul/Abdul, Red Coats/Redcoats, and web site/website.  Kudos to the book’s editors and beta readers for a job well done.  Also, for some reason, the e-book version and the paperback version of Funny For Nothing are separate listings at Amazon.  Be aware that you have a choice of formats.

 

    But enough of the quibbling.  Funny For Nothing was a great read for me, filled with humor, wit, spoofery, interesting historical trivia, and AWESOME music references.  Treat yourself to something by Virginia’s first-&-future Secretary of Levity by picking a copy up today.

 

    9 Stars.  One last thing.  For all its wit and humor, one column, Cricket’s Big Day, left a lump in my throat.  See if that happens to you as well.

The Gravedigger's Almanac - Oliver Potzsch

    2021; 400 pages.  Translator: Lisa Reinhardt.  Book 1 (out of 2) in the series “A Leopold von Herzfeldt Case”.  New Author? : No.  Genre : Historical Thriller; German Literature; Historical Mystery.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    Vienna, 1893.

 

    Inspector Leopold “Leo” von Herzfeldt has just joined the Vienna Security Bureau for Blood Crimes.  Think “Homicide Division”.  He’s from nearby Graz, Austria, where he learned his detective skills from the renowned Inspector Hans Gross.

 

    Leo’s been schooled in a new way of investigating crimes; something called “Criminalistics”.  At his first department meeting in Vienna, he uses those Criminalistics methods, along with his Sherlock Holmesian sleuthing talents, to offer helpful critiques of his fellow investigators’ case reports.

    Not all of his colleagues were enthralled by his unsolicited suggestions.  Inspector von Herzfeldt needs to learn to keep his mouth shut at departmental meetings, unless specifically asked for by the Department Superintendent.

 

What’s To Like...

    The Gravedigger’s Almanac is the opening book in Oliver Potzsch’s “Leopold von Herzfeldt” series.  It is set in the closing years of the 19^th century; which is about 3½ centuries after his fantastic “Hangman’s Daughter” series takes place, of which I’ve read three of its seven entries.

 

    The storyline grabs the reader’s attention immediately.  The Prologue opens with a man awakening from sleep and discovering he’s in a coffin that’s already been sealed and buried in the ground.  Who is he and how did he get that way?  A second storyline soon crops up as well—someone has been slashing women’s throats and impaling them in a most grisly fashion.  Inspector von Herzfeldt quickly takes to investigating both of these cases.

 

    I was impressed by the technological advances that had taken place between the two series.  A sample of some mysterious black slime taken from a victim’s corpse can now be sent out for chemical analysis.  And crime scenes can now be recorded via the use of something called a “camera”.  Leo has one and he uses it with an even more newfangled invention, a “flash”.

 

    I liked the character development.  Leo may be a brilliant detective, but he’s quite clueless when it comes to interacting with other humans.  The titular Gravedigger is a walking talking encyclopedia of human interment—he’s writing an almanac—but a complete nutcase otherwise. And Leo’s new boss may be a racial and religious bigot, but he’s also a very skilled detective.

 

    The ending is both exciting and twisty.  Both Leo’s and my theories about who’s doing what skullduggery, and why, were completely wrong.  Help comes from an unexpected source.  An Epilogue ties up most of the plot threads and the sequel (see below) apparently will address the main remaining unresolved one.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.6/5 based on 771 ratings and 55 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.00/5 based on 4,170 ratings and 648 reviews.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Revenant (n.) : a person who returns from the dead.

Others: Puszta (n.); Bon ton (phrase); Dob (v., British slang).

 

Excerpts...

    Wake: keeping watch at the deathbed until the funeral.  A social gathering with food and drink, sadly often accompanied by excessive alcohol consumption.  Since up to thirty persons gather in the death room, diseases sometimes spread, leading to further wakes and funerals.  (pg. 218)

 

    “Maybe, in another hundred years, people will have to travel out to Walachia; yes, or maybe there won’t be any cemeteries at all any longer.  We’ll burn our dead electrically, press their ashes into cubes and tip them into the sea.  Out of sight and out of mind.”

    “That sounds rather . . . pessimistic, don’t you think?”

    “Gravediggers aren’t known for their optimism.  If you want to cheer and celebrate, go find a midwife.”  (pg. 387)

 

Kindle Details…

    The e-book version of The Gravedigger’s Almanac is priced at $14.99 at Amazon right now.  Its sequel,  The Girl and the Gravedigger, costs $12.99.  The first six volumes in Oliver Potzsch’s “A Hangman’s Daughter” series cost $6.49 apiece; with the seventh one priced 50 cents higher.

 

“I’ve always wanted to die in a grotto with an aristocrat by my side."  (pg. 333)

    The profanity is surprisingly sparse for a Gothic Crime-Mystery; I counted just five cusswords in the first 10% of the book.  But be forewarned, this is not a book for the kiddies.  Beheadings occur, orifices are violated, brothels are visited, rolls-in-the-hay take place, and child molestation is a major theme.

 

    I didn’t notice any typos, nor did I notice any clunky translating.  Kudos to the editors and the translator, Lisa Reinhardt.  The historical setting felt very “real” and was obviously deeply researched.  The Gravedigger’s Almanac probably won’t stir you to take up that profession, but you may find you're qualified to go work at a mortuary.

 

    For me, The Gravedigger’s Almanac was a great read in all aspects: Intrigue, Pacing, Mysteries, Historical Setting, Character Development, Plot Twists.  Its sequel, The Girl and the Gravedigger, is sitting on my Kindle awaiting my attention.

 

    9 Stars.  One last thing.  At one point Leopold teaches his assistant how to set up a darkroom and develop the photographic plates and print the images therefrom.  As a kid, I used to do that with my dad, so that passage brought back fond childhood memories.

The Selected Poems of Li Po - Translated by David Hinton

    762 AD; 144 pages.  New Translator? : Yes.  Genres : Poetry; Chinese Literature; Ancient China.  Laurels: Winner of the 1997 Harold Morton Landon Translation Award.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    Li Po (aka Li Bai and Li Bo) is a celebrated Chinese poet (born 701 CE; died 762 CE) who lived during the reign of the Tang dynasty.

 

    I first became acquainted with his poems when I was taking night classes to learn Mandarin Chinese.  It was a fun way to build my vocabulary.  There are of course other equally famous Chinese poets from that Golden Age of China, but for some reason Li Po’s works struck a chord with me.

 

    Maybe it was due to his terse, yet vivid descriptions of the Chinese countryside back then.  Maybe it was his appreciative nods to other Chinese poets with which he spent some time.  Maybe it was the way he shuffled off his mortal coil.

 

    To quote David Hinton, the translator of The Selected Poems of Li Po: “Li Po died as the legend says he died: out drunk in a boat, he fell into a river and drowned trying to embrace the moon.”  What a way to go.

 

What’s To Like...

  The Selected Poems of Li Po is divided into five sections, namely”

    Introduction  (pgs. xi-xxv)

    Early Years (AD. 701-742)  (pgs. 1-37)

    Ch’ang An and Middle Years (AD 712-755)  (pgs. 39-87)

    War, Exile, and Later Years (AD 755-762)  (pgs. 89-=123)

    Notes (pgs. 124-129), which were quite helpful.

 

    I highly recommend reading the Introduction, as it gives the reader insight into what was going on in China at that time.  It also describes the life of wandering poets (think: “bards”) of which Li Po was one, and well as a lot of enlightening details about Li Po’s life.  I suspect Li Po’s watery demise may be more legend than fact; OTOH it easily conforms to the lifestyle he was living.

 

    Many of the selected poems are short—often as little as four lines of verse.  Yet somehow it was easy to imagine the picturesque descriptions of the mountainous regions he traversed, and his awe when beholding them.  I also found it heartwarming that he viewed the other professional poets wandering throughout China at the time as brethren, not rivals.

 

    I also loved that some of Li Po’s poems have a very “modern” slant to them.  The poem “Ch’ang-Kan Village Song” (pgs. 13-14) tells of a girl, married at fourteen, who’s now in the autumn of her life, and is depicted by Li Po as having a very strong character.  Similarly, the poem “Frontier Mountain Moon” (pg. 26), bemoans the human cost of expansionist militarism.  See the second excerpt below, for part of this poem.  It’s amazing that poems such as these two were penned more than 1200 years ago.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.5/5 based on 97 ratings and 25 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.27/5 based on 1,104 ratings and 92 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    Crossing into distances beyond Ching-men,

    I set out through ancient southlands, here

    mountains fall away into wide-open plains,

    and the river flows into boundless space.

 

    The moon setting, heaven’s mirror in flight,

    clouds build, spreading to seascape towers.

    Poor waters of home.  I know how it feels:

    ten thousand miles of farewell on this boat. (pg. 5)

 

    Our armies moving down White-Ascent Road,

    Mongols probing along Sky-Blue Seas—

    soldiers never return from those forced

    marches ending on battlefields.  Countless

 

    guards look out across moonlit borderlands,

    thinking of home, their faces all grief.

    And somewhere, high in a tower tonight,

    a restless woman cries out in half-sleep.  (pg. 26)

 

Once you drink enlightenment and wisdom, why go searching for gods and immortals?  (pg. 44)

    There’s zero cases of profanity in The Selected Poems of Li Po.  I don’t recall any “adult situations”.  Obviously, the world wasn’t ready for a Beat Generation Chinese poet yet.

 

    Be aware that, as the Introduction tells, Li Po really loved to drink wine, get drunk, and write about the subsequent joys of such a habit.  I counted 20 of the poems here that he mentions his devotion to partaking of the fruit of the vine.  A votre sante, Li Po!

 

    As noted above, there were some very helpful Notes in the back of the book.  However, the referenced text isn’t marked in any way, so I had to keep flipping back to the Notes to make sure I wasn’t missing out.

 

    Finally, be aware that there is a lot of empty spaces in the 123 pages of poetry.  Every four-line poem, and there are a bunch of them, takes up a complete page.  If you want to, you can easily read this book in one sitting.

 

    But I preferred to read a dozen or so poems at a time, then sit back and think about the emotions, thoughts, and insights Li Po was trying to convey via these writings.  Although, if you’re a student with a book report due tomorrow, and you haven’t even started reading anything, this one’s for you.

 

    The blank spaces notwithstanding, I thoroughly enjoyed The Selected Poems of Li Po.  It validated my initial findings of 25 years ago when I was taking Mandarin classes.  Li Po’s writing appealed to me back then; it still does today.  Wikipedia says there are a thousand or so poems by Li Po still around.  It may be time to visit the bookstore in search of more of his poetry.

 

    9 Stars.  One last thing.  If you go out to Goodreads and access its page on this book, you’ll find the publishing date listed as 762, which is quite some time ago.  I loved this choice of publishing date by whoever set the entry up.

Scharlette Doesn't Matter and Goes Time Travelling - Sam Bowring

    2019; 333 pages.  Book 1 (out of 3) in the “Scharlette Day” series.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : Time Travel; Humorous Science Fiction.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    Talk about a boring job, Scharlette has one.  She’s an airport security clerk; that person who announces umpteen times an hour that you need to empty your pockets of all sharp and metallic items before going through the scanner.

 

    The last guy through the security check was a butthead.  He was well-dressed and acted as though that should exempt him from emptying his pockets.  Terrorists don’t dress up impeccably, he said.

 

    Now this next guy in line is an even bigger dolt.   He says he’s never gone through the security line before.  He’s wearing some kind of gadget on his wrist with lots of blinking lights, and he seems reluctant to take it off and put it in the bowl.  Sorry, bub; no exceptions.

 

    When he does finally obey the request, things get crazy.  A wormhole opens up right there in the security area, the customer yells, “Snipers!”, and heavily armored guys jump out, shooting futuristic-looking weapons at the customer.

 

    Scharlette’s job just got a lot less boring.

 

What’s To Like...

   Scharlette Doesn’t Matter and Goes Time Travelling is the opening volume in Sam Bowring’s humorous Time Travel trilogy.  The story’s tone and content very much reminded me of Douglas Adams’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy opus; if you liked that one you’ll enjoy this tale as well.

 

    The protagonist, Scharlette, is a fascinating study.  Our visitors from the future have done their temporal paradox research..  Scharlette is infertile, so she won’t have any kids.  Also, none of the events in the rest of her life will have any effect on the present timeline.  So they can safely contact and interact with her and nothing important will change.  In a nutshell, Scharlette doesn’t matter.

 

    I liked the language that the space travelers use.  They’re originally from more than 10,000 years from now, and the English that they speak has evolved from ours.  So Scharlette, and the reader, have to learn futuristic vocabulary terms such as plimits, condooblences, ridiculex, batso, all kay, zicky, and blisso.

 

    The tone of the text is lighthearted.  There is a Universe that needs to be somehow saved, but meanwhile there’s still time to go trippin’ in the future on your choice of pharmaceutical compound.  There’s a mysterious book that breaks down the fourth wall, and it was fun  to learn that the extraterrestrials hold Salvador Dali great esteem.

 

    The story stops at a logical place, with several plotlines still unresolved, especially those concerning the Germs and Jenelope.  I presume those are addressed in the sequel, Scharlette Kills 99% of Germs.  Things close on a note both heartwarming and hopeful.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.4/5 based on 1,604 ratings and 258 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.09/5 based on 1,351 ratings and 195 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    “You use metal detectors, mobile phones, refrigerators, yet you don’t actually know how any of them work.”

    “I guess not.”

    “If I told you to put together a video camera, you wouldn’t even be able to invent the strap.  Point is, the universe is full of people who use things without knowing how they actually work.  Why do people from the past always think people from the future understand everything?”  (50% Kindle)

 

    “What are we going to do?”

    Scharlette found it strange that he was asking, but she poked her head up over the barrier.  She zeroed in on the Germs with her enhanced senses and her head computer went to work translating.

    “Keep your sensory receptors peeled,” said a tall, many-fronded, copiously drooling horror.  “A12/65 saw many greyskin Gutbags retreat inside as we arrived, fleeing like excretal globules down a turd masher.”  (84% Kindle)

 

Kindle Details…

    The e-book edition of Scharlette Doesn’t Matter and Goes Time Travelling currently sells for $3.99 at Amazon.  The other two books in the trilogy cost $4.99 apiece.  Sam Bowring has seven other e-books for your Kindle, ranging in price from $2.99 to $4.99.

 

“You couldn’t knock a flimswaggle off a zhog’s back if it was standing right in front of you.”  (15% Kindle)

    There’s only a light amount of profanity in Scharlette Doesn’t Matter and Goes Time Travelling. I noted just 8 cusswords in the first 20%, two of which were f-bombs.  There are a couple of rolls-in-the-hay, plus one mention of the male anatomy.  Sam Bowring also uses clever “futuristic expletives”, such as "Crumbs", "Clusterfarm", "Farm it", and various fruity expressions such as “Bananas and Blueberries!”

 

    The text is written in “Australian”, which is kind of a cross between English and American.  So you'll encounter weird words and spellings such as knickers, plough, dobbed, maths, and pyjamas.  I always enjoy learning a foreign language.

 

    The only quibble I found was the page-numbering.  There isn’t any.  The page-counting system is stuck on “Page 8 of 8” the whole way.  This was true on both my old Kindle and my newer Kindle.  Oh well, that’s why e-readers also give you a “percentage read” figure.

 

    But this is nitpicking.  Scharlette Doesn’t Matter and Goes Time Travelling was a fun read from beginning to end, and I’m keeping my eyes peeled for discounts on the other two books in the trilogy.  Douglas Adams would proudly give a two-thumbs up to this tale.

 

    9 Stars.  One last thing.  Ryan Gosling gets a brief mention in this time-traveling tale.  What are the odds of that?!

Mirage - Marlin Williams

    2026; 539 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Psychological Thriller; Dark Science Fiction; Techno Thriller.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    It’s going to be one of those days.  Detective Zorn Stephenson’s phone started ringing at 4:30 AM, his superior, Captain Grady screaming on the other end.  A body had been found at a local warehouse and Zorn’s presence was needed immediately, if not sooner.

 

    Zorn dutifully got up, dressed, and drove to the crime scene.  The body was found inside the warehouse, laid out on the floor like a mummy—a young male, lying on his back, hands crossed serenely across his chest.

 

    Zorn recognized the youth at once – Rayland Spangler.  He was one of three boys who had gone missing a while back.  A long while back.  Ten years ago.

 

    Why did his body only show up just now?  And where are the other two missing boys?

 

What’s To Like...

   Mirage is a psychological thriller novel set mostly on High Island, Texas.  It features three protagonists: a reclusive biker named Colton, a savvy detective named Zorn Stephenson, and a local waitress named Georgia.

 

    Strange things are happening on High Island, but they mostly go unnoticed.  See the first excerpt below for an glimpse of their subtlety.  The discovery of the long-dead corpse causes a few residents to begin to take note of the inconsistencies. Our heroes find themselves tasked with not just determining what’s going on, but also who’s the brains behind all this, and what is their final objective.

 

    The character-building is excellent.  Colton has a troubled past and Zorn talks to his deceased mentor via a hat.  My favorite bizarre character was Birdie Blackburn.  He definitely marches to the beat of a different drummer.

 

    It was fun to tag along with our three protagonists, plus a few others, as they become aware of the weird goings-on.  A nearby lighthouse becomes a suspected source of mental shenanigans.  Alas, being aware of rogue vibes does not make you immune to their influences.  Our heroes quickly become prime targets for whatever skullduggery is being wreaked.

 

    As befitting a compelling Psychological Thriller, the tension builds to a desperate climax where the outcome is always in doubt.  Happily, Order is vanquished, and Chaos returns, and no, that is not a typo.  Things close with an Epilogue that will leave a lump in your throat.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  x.x/5 based on 0 ratings and 0 reviews..

    Goodreads: x.xx/5 based on 0 ratings and 0 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    Life carried on.

    Steady.

    Unbroken.

    And just beneath it . . . something else.

    It brushed him—thin, unfocused—like a thought that wouldn’t quite take shape.

    Then it slipped.

    Everything moved the way it should—people, traffic, doors opening and closing—but it felt . . . timed.

    A fraction too smooth.

    Like the town had found a rhythm . . . and settled into it.  (pg. 14)

 

    “Explain the pickaxe, Colton.  You always carry one around for decoration?”  (…)

    “I don’t recall there being a law against carrying one,” he said finally.

    Zorn’s eyes narrowed.  “Maybe not.  But there’s a fine line between a tool and a weapon, and right now, you’re standing on the wrong side of it.”

    Colton looked away, jaw tight.  “Story of my life.”  (pg. 137)

 

Kindle Details…

    The Kindle version of Mirage currently sells for $4.95 at Amazon.  Marlin Williams offers seven other e-books for your Kindle, including novels, short story collections, and anthologies.  They range in price from $0.99 to $4.95.

 

“Kids get curious, crawl where they don’t belong, and the earth swallows them whole.”  (pg. 20)

    There’s moderate amount of profanity in Mirage; I noted 18 instances in the first 10%, primary of the eschatological ilk.  There was also a roll-in-the-hay early on, but that’s the only adult situation I recall.

 

    I noticed about a dozen typos, such as builds/buildings, itb/it, statements/statement’s, tat/rat, and spinet/spine.  Fortunately, they weren't a distraction for me.

 

    I don’t read a lot of Psychological Thriller novels, but this one kept me turning the pages, as I tried to beat the protagonists in figuring out what was going on.  Alas, I was way wrong in my guess as the identity of the Ultimate Evil.

    I think this was Marlin Williams’s first entry into this genre, and it is an impressive debut.  Here’s hoping that he has more Psych-Thriller ideas in his head.

 

    9 Stars.  One last thing.  High Island, Texas is a real place.  It sits on the Bolivar Peninsula, on the shores of Galveston Bay.  It even was chosen as the burial grounds by a serial killer back in the 1970s.  Deja vu all over again.

Maximum Bob - Elmore Leonard

    1991; 326 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres: Hard Boiled Mystery; Humorous Crime Fiction.  Overall Rating : 6*/10.

 

    An alligator just tried to attack Judge Bob Gibbs!  It wandered onto his property and even tried to crash into his house!  Well, this is in the Palm Bach area of Florida, close to where alligators abound.  And occasional trespassing by those critters is not unheard of.

 

    Except the judge’s house isn’t all that close to where the gators hang out.  Which makes you wonder whether someone transported the beast there and dropped it off.  But who would do such a thing?

 

    Actually, the list is pretty long.  Judge Bob Gibbs’s nickname is “Maximum Bob” due to his habit of sentencing defendants in cases he’s presiding over to the maximum allowable jailtime.

 

    Some of those do eventually get out on parole after serving time.  And more than a few of them bear a huge grudge against Maximum Bob.

 

What’s To Like...

    Although Maximum Bob is is a crime-mystery novel, it is not a whodunit.  The characters may be trying to figure out who’s trying to kill whom, but the reader is privy to all those answers a lot sooner.  The fun for the reader is to see just how those dirty plots might come to pass.

 

    The characters, even the minor ones, are unique, including some vrty unlikeable, jaded, flawed, and cuckoo ones.  Judge Gibbs is a classic misogynistic redneck.  His co-protagonist is a 27-year-old divorced-and-pretty probation officer.  There are gay guys and druggies and lots of ex-cons.  There’s also a young black girl named Wanda who was born more than a century ago and presently resides inside the head of one of the characters.

 

    The text is written in a gritty style, yet there is also a subtle strain of wit running throughout.  Maximum Bob was published in 1991, and it was neat to see a reference to a long-forgotten televangelist duo from that time, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker.  Even Donald Trump gets a brief mention.  So do metaphysical auras and past lives remembrances, which resonated with me.  I attended a past life seminar once a long time ago.  It was quite interesting.

 

    The ending manages to be both logical and surprising at the same time.  Several characters are killed; some expected, other not.  Ditto for the killers—some were obvious, others weren’t.  I gather that Maximum Bob is a standalone novel that was never developed into a series.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.3/5 based on 654 ratings and 96 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.79/5 based on 7,690 ratings and 402 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    “Your wife work in the garden?”

    “She plays with rocks.”

    “She does?  What kind of rocks?”

    “Quartz crystals.  She buries them in the dirt to clean them, restore their—whatever magic they’re suppose (sic) to have.  This is called African Shield.  My wife thinks those two petticoat palms were once women who were turned into trees.”  (pg. 130)

 

    “Dr. Vasco?”

    Hector shook his head.  “He’s not in.”

    “That’s too bad,” Kathy said, flipping open her ID case to show her picture, her name, and those official words, Department of Corrections.  “I’m his new Community Control officer.”

    “Oh, you know something?  I thought he went to AA, but he’s sleeping,” Hector said.  “Please, come in.”  She moved past him and he said, “I like your hair.  It’s much more chic than in the picture.”  (pg. 274)

 

“All of a sudden it hit me, that I may have been your mother in a previous life.”  (pg. 28)

    Unsurprisingly, there was a moderate amount of cussing in Maximum Bob.  I noted 24 instances in the first 20% of the book, including eight f-bombs and one racial epithet.  There were a number of “adult situations”, including a couple rolls-in-the-hay and some references to male and female anatomy.

 

    It should be noted that Wikipedia cites Elmore Leonard’s counts as being “gritty realism and strong dialogue”, so R-rated profanity and descriptions are to be expected. 

 

    This was my first Elmore Leonard novel, and I have a feeling it’s one of his “lighter” ones.  I picked it up at a library book sale, and reportedly, this is not one of his big hits.  Nevertheless the humor, character development, pacing, and mystery aspects all intrigued me.  I will be on the lookout for more books by Elmore Leonard.

 

    6 Stars.  One last thing.  One last quibble.  The dog dies.  In a particularly gruesome fashion.

The Widows Guild - Anna Castle

    2015; 325 pages.  Book 3 (out of 8) in the “Francis Bacon Mystery” series.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Historical Mystery; England, Historical Fiction.  Laurels: 2017 Historical Novel Society Awards (Longlisted).  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

 

    London, August 29, 1588.  A city in turmoil.  Religious fervor runs rampant.

 

    Queen Elizabeth 1 sits on the throne, and England has converted from Catholicism to Anglicanism.  It is not a good time to be a Catholic.  There’s even an official body, the Recusancy Committee, whose job it is to probe the loyalties of known Catholics.  If you’re found to be more loyal to the Pope than to the Crown, it’s imprisonment for you.

 

    It’s also Alice Trumpington’s (aka “Trumpet”) wedding night.  She’s not looking forward to it.  Her husband-to-be, Viscount Surdeval, is old and in frail health, and she’s putting off consummating the marriage for as long as possible.  She’s marrying strictly for money and nobility.

 

    Alas, Viscount Surdeval dies on his wedding night!  Under very suspicious circumstances.  Maybe Trumpet did it.  But no, she wasn’t even in the bedroom that evening.  She spent the night in a separate room in the estate.  With another man, Thomas Clarady.

 

    Not exactly the best alibi to have, is it?

 

What’s To Like...

    The Widows Guild is the third book in Anna Castle’s engaging “Francis Bacon Mystery” series, in which the famous physicist is reimagined as a royal investigator.  Francis is part of a legal society put together by Queen Elizabeth herself to do investigative work on behalf of her and other upper-class gentlepersons.

 

    Since Viscount Surdeval was a Nobleman, his fellow Upper-Crusters are quite anxious to know how and why he died on his wedding night, and assign Francis to that task.  I liked that he’s not a super-sleuth, but rather is a nerdy individual who, via questions and observations, hopes to logically figure out what happened and who did it.

 

    This series is unique in that we follow a “team” of investigators as they do their sleuthing.  Francis is nominally in charge, but the other team-members—Thomas Clarady, Benjamin Whitt, and yes, Trumpet herself—all conduct their own investigations, and none of them, including Francis, fully disclose their discoveries to the others.

 

    The case quickly takes some weird turns.  No weapon is found; indeed, no wound is found on Viscount Surdeval’s corpse.  Hmm.  Maybe he died of natural causes.  But no, someone took the time to carve a cross into his chest.  Is it a sign that religion plays a part in this?  Unfortunately for our heroes, the knife used to carve the cross was not left behind.

 

    Things build to a very tense ending, that somehow didn’t feel over-the-top.  The perpetrator is cunningly trapped into revealing the who-how-and-why of the misdeed, and will face the appropriate judgment.  Needless to say, my guess as to the whodunit was turned out to be totally wrong.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.4*/5, based on 470 ratings and 51 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.23*/5, based on 356 ratings and 47 reviews.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Fustilarian (n.): a lowlife scoundrel.

Others: Tinto (n.).

 

Excerpts...

    “What do you think about me?  About this!”  She held out her hands to display herself.  “About what you see.”

    “Ah.”  Tom pretended to consider it.  “Well, I think you are the most perfect vision of maidenly beauty I have ever seen.  I think they should hold a competition among the greatest sculptors in Europe to craft your image in marble as a model for future generations of womankind to strive toward.”

    She blinked, and her mouth twisted in a complicated half frown.  “That almost sounded like a compliment.”

    “It almost was one.”  (pg. 18)

 

    “Then you’ve identified the murderer?” Lady Russell asked.  “Well done, Nephew!”

    Some of the women began to applaud, but Bacon held up both hands to stop them.  “No, my good ladies and gentlewomen, I must admit I have as yet no proof sufficient to bring the murderer to justice.”

    “But you know who it is,” Lady Russell said.

    Bacon pinched the pleats in his left wrist ruff while his gaze wandered over the tops of the women’s heads.  Trumpet recognized the evasive mannerisms.  He either didn’t know or he wasn’t going to tell them.  He would babble pompously for a few minutes and then run away.

    “Suspicions have evolved in such directions as to preclude any definitive verification of culpability.”  (pg. 251)

 

Kindle Details…

    The Widows Guild sells for $1.99 right now at Amazon.  The other books in the series range in price from *free* to $4.99, with the prices increasing as the series progresses.  I’ve also read the first book in Anna Castle’s *The Professor & Mrs. Moriarty Mystery* series, and quite enjoyed it.  The four books in that series all cost $4.99.

 

News delivered by demons could never be good.  (pg. 271)

    There’s only a miniscule amount of profanity in The Widows Guild, I counted only a mere 9 cusswords in the whole tale, none of which were f-bombs.  When the situation called for swearing, two phrases, presumably authentic Medieval epithets, were used: “God’s teeth” and “God’s bollocks”.  I thought that worked incredibly well.

 

    I noted only two typos: wanted_put/wanted_to_put and any_more/anymore.  Kudos to whoever did the editing. I *thought* I’d caught an anachronism when “Occam’s Razor” came up in the text.  But checking in Wikipedia revealed that the eponymous source of this concept, William of Ockham, lived in the 1300s, so Francis Bacon and company may well have been familiar with it.

 

    There were a couple instances where it sounded like someone’s sexuality was being questioned; plus one character engaging in cross-dressing, and being very comfortable doing so.  Maybe I am over-thinking these parts.  Mayhap they’ll be addressed in subsequent books in this series.

 

    I found The Widows Guild to be an entertaining read, full of witty repartee and a stellar blend of well-researched Historical Fiction and well-developed Murder-Mystery.  I particularly liked the use of 16^th-century vocabulary, including the likes of jakes, galligaskins, partlet, doublet, wherry, and ballyrag.  It gave the setting a realistic “feel” like I was walking alongside Francis Bacon in 1588 London, and I’m looking forward to reading Book 4 in the series, Publish and Perish.

 

    8 Stars.  One last thing.  Trumpet’s life is saved by her being absent from the marriage bed on her wedding night.  That’s good.  But if her marriage was never consummated, it means she is not heir to the Surdeval Estate.  Instead, Surdeval’s relatives would inherit it.  That’s not so good.  An embarrassing test of Trumpet’s maidenhead is the only way to settle this.  What should she do?