The Secret Between the Walls : Book 2 - Charles W. Saunders

    2026; 361 pages.  New Author? : Sorta.  Genres : Children’s Contemporary Fantasy; Supernatural Mystery; Psychological Thriller.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    Oh what fun it is, to explore the hallways, in the basement of your school, in your spare time.  You pass all sorts of school employees, such as custodians and maintenance men.  But don’t let the principal catch you down there.  There aren’t any classrooms so students have no business being down there.

 

    Courtney and Livi have been doing this lately—at night mostly—and have discovered there is an even older basement with all sorts of hallways beneath what they thought was the bottommost level of the building.

 

    Now they’ve made another startling discovery.  That bottommost level has both a “newer” section and an “older” one.  But does that really make any difference?

 

    The school custodian Stillman seems to think so.

 

What’s To Like...

   The Secret Between the Walls – Book 2 is a direct continuation of Book One in the series; I highly recommend reading them in order.  Courtney and Livi started to notice strange things in their school in the first book.  Now, with help from Professor Popple and the phantasmic Assistant, the girls begin to try to resolve things.

 

    Charles Saunders uses a unique storytelling style here.  A lot of the text consists of short sentences in individual paragraphs.  It takes a bit of getting used to, but I think it works quite well for the target audience of children, ages 9-to-14.

 

    The text is full of witty, sarcastic banter, primarily in the Courtney/Livi/Assistant triangle, and the Popple/Stillman/Assistant one. Young and old readers alike will find themselves chuckling along with the characters.  I also liked that all the characters are “gray” in nature.  Stillman may be the baddie, but he seriously believes his course of action is honorable.  Courtney may be the main protagonist, but she sometimes second-guesses the decisions she’s made.

 

    The ending is both tense and heartwarmingly logical, and left a lump in my throat.  All the major plotlines are tied up, although not always in the manner I was expecting.  There is room in the overall storyline for a sequel.  I for one would like to learn more about what Popple’s future holds, and Courtney might find more ways to use her “gift”.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  x.x/5 based on 0 ratings and 0 reviews.

    Goodreads: x.xx/5 based on 0 ratings and 0 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    “I’m leaving when we find an exit.”

    Courtney kept walking.

    “I heard you.”

    “I mean it.”

    “I know.”

    “I’m not helping you find anything.”

    The Assistant fell into step behind her.

    “I shall note that your participation remains involuntary.”

    “You’re not noting anything.”

    “Then I shall remember it informally.”  (pg. 49)

 

    The old passage seemed to breathe against her.

    After the dust and iron of the routing system, the air felt impossibly clean.

    She could almost imagine stepping out beneath an open sky.

    Almost.

    The Assistant walked to the center opening and extended one hand into it.

    “I detect a significant improvement in ventilation.”

    “No one asked you,” Livi said.

    “I anticipated the question.”

    “Stop anticipating.”

    “I will attempt to be surprised.”  (pg. 95)

 

Kindle Details…

    The e-book edition of The Secret Between the Walls – Book 2 sells for $3.99 at Amazon right now; as does the first book in the series.  It is also available in paperback for $14.99.  At present, these are the only e-books offered by Charles W. Saunders.

 

“I hate when you’re helpful.”  (pg. 149)

    The target audience is children-to-young-adults, so it is not surprising that there is zero profanity in The Secret Between the Walls – Book 2.  I also don’t recall anything even remotely resembling any R-rated situations.  Hats off to Charles Saunders for penning a fascinating story totally free of adult vocabulary and themes.  I didn’t notice any typos, punctuation errors, or clunky sentences.  Kudos to whoever did the editing on this book.

 

    I thoroughly enjoyed The Secret Between the Walls – Book 2.  I don’t think it’s easy to write a story that appeals to Children, Young Adults, and Geezers like me.  Somehow Charles Saunders has done so.  Write on, dude!

 

    9 Stars.  One last thing.  If you happen to be in the targeted 9-14 years old age-span, and don't like having to keep track of dozens of characters, this book’s for you.  I think there are only seven characters.  Wandering empty school halls after dark is not an effective way to meet and greet people.

Ferret Run - GS Freeman

    2026; 286 pages.  Full Title: Ferret Run – Secrets of Arcadia.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : Science Fiction – First Contact; Fantasy; Adventure-Intrigue.  Overall Rating: 8½*/10.

 

    You know what they say: The third time’s the charm.

 

    Actually, Professor Lupus Hare is hoping that the second time’s the charm.  Several innocent people perished when he made his first endeavor.

 

    And what an endeavor it is!  Professor Hare wants to break through the barriers of the multiverse!  Get in contact with a parallel dimension.  And he and his team have just finished building something called a Collider, which smashes tiny particles together that hopefully will then open gateways to parallel universes.

 

    If successful, this would be a truly groundbreaking experience for all concerned.  Except for one being: Chancellor Trinn.  She’s from a different world, in a different universe, which has a different level of technology.  So Trinn has a different motive for helping Professor Hare’s research come to fruition.

 

    She wants to go home.

 

What’s To Like...

    Ferret Run is a Sci-Fi fantasy novel by GS Freeman (aka G. Scott Freeman) set on an undisclosed planet populated by sentient animal species, including walking/talking ferrets, cats, swans, polar bears, and many more, even a land-dwelling shark.  Humans are an unknown species, at least to start with, and at least to everyone except Chancellor Trinn.

 

    Our protagonist is a ferret named Victoria Lanell.  Her parents died years ago, and she presently lives in care of a guardian goat named Earl Kidd whom she calls “Papa”.  Lanell is also one of Professor Hare’s trusted assistants on the Collider project.

 

    Amazon appropriately lists the book’s main genre as First Contact Science Fiction, a theme I’m quite partial to.  But there is a lot of deeply developed character interaction going on as well.  Earl is hiding many secrets from Lanell; Trinn will do whatever is necessary to return to her home world, and the titular “Secrets of Arcadia” seems to categorize everyone as either “eco-friendly” or “pro-science-&-technology”.  GS Freeman also blends touches of wit and humor into the storyline, which I liked muchly.

 

    I enjoyed meeting the chemist Dr. Crusher, being one myself.  He gives new meaning to the concept of super-glue.  The flying spiders are definitely something to avoid crossing paths with, and I want to visit the “Starducks” shop someday and get me a cup of nuka.  I’m proud to say I chuckled at the mention of “Rick and Morty”.

 

    The ending is suitably tense and exciting.  Things stop at a logical place and the primary plot thread (the “first contact”) is resolved for the nonce.  Here's hoping a sequel is in the offing.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  5.0/5 based on 3 ratings and 3 reviews.

    Goodreads: 5.00/5 based on 7 ratings and 7 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    “I think there’s something older at work.  Something that bridges biology and physics.  Something in the architecture of existence itself.  Look at her.  She’s alien but not foreign.”

    He took a step closer.  “What if dimensional physics doesn’t just transport matter, but favors certain patterns?  What if there’s a design at the core of reality that selects for this kind of form?”

    Myles let out a low whistle.  “That’s not science; that’s metaphysics.”  (pg. 14)

 

    “So she can hear us?”

    “She will once the nanos finish mapping phonemic structure.  Give it twenty minutes, maybe less.  Then we can test comprehension.”

    Hare nodded thoughtfully.  “Then we observe.  See how she handles isolation.  You learn more from what an animal does without instructions than you ever do with a prompt.”

    “She’s not an animal,” Myles muttered, eyes still locked to the display.

    “She is to us,” Hare said flatly.  “And we are to her.  Symmetry’s just perspective, Moleman.  What matters is who’s holding the clipboard.”  (pg. 173)

 

Kindle Details…

    The e-book edition of Ferret Run presently sells for $2.99 at Amazon.  It is also available in paperback format, for $15.99.  To the best of my knowledge, this is GS Freeman’s debut full-length novel.

 

Why bother with methodical research when we can just throw particles at each other and hope for enlightenment?  (pg. 29)

    There’s only a small amount of profanity in Ferret Run.  I noted just 20 instances in the first 2/3 of the book, and these were all of the milder, eschatological variety.  Later on, a scatological term popped up, but just once.

 

    The main issue with Ferret Run is the editing.  There are a bunch of typos, and literally dozens of punctuation errors, to the point of where it became distracting.  There were also two or three continuity issues.

 

    But those things are all fixable via another round of editing.  What counts is that the world-building, character development, and storytelling were all superb.  For me, Ferret Run was a delightful page-turner, and I strongly hope it’s the start of an epically exciting series.  After all, several beings are desperately wanting to get back to their native phases of the multiverse.

 

    8½ Stars.  One last thing.  Professor Hare uses the acronym PDE several times in the story.  It stands for Percussive Dimensional Event.  Is that way-kewl or what?!

The Broke Ass Brigade - Don Romonov

    2012; 382 pages.  Full Title: The Broke Ass Brigade: Living With Asperger’s in the Savage Side of the American Dream.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : Biographies & Memoirs; Vocational Humor.  Overall Rating: 6*/10.

 

    Ah yes, working in a Big-Box store.  I’ve never done it.  The closest I came was working one summer in a grocery store, stocking shelves, bagging groceries, and carrying customers’ purchases to their cars—and boats—in 115-degree heat.

 

    I had a friend who worked in one for a few years, though.  I remember him telling how, if you worked day-shift, which meant being there when the store opened, all the employees were required to gather in a circle beforehand and sing the company song.  Management picked one lucky employee to lead the singing, and he better do it enthusiastically.

 

    He laughed was he told me how all the employees would try to hide behind each other, hoping that management would just pick whoever they happened to notice first.  He said there was lots of shoving and elbowing in efforts to make oneself hard to see.

 

    The Broke Ass Brigade chronicles Don Romonov’s experiences working in a Big-Box store.  In comparison to him, my friend got off lightly.

 

What’s To Like...

     The term “Big-Box Store” applies to megastores such as Target, K-Mart, Sam’s Club, and Walmart—huge square-footage buildings wherein shoppers can find just about anything they need.  Don Romonov’s memoir, The Broke Ass Brigade actually opens with him at his previous job, a fast food one, which he quickly leaves.

 

    At the age of eighteen, Don takes what he hopes is an upward career jump: going to work at an undisclosed superstore.  He quickly becomes disillusioned and on 11/95/03 begins to keep a journal.  His entries are divided into 28 sections, and things close with his departure from the Big-Box.

 

    The writing style—in the first-person POV, of course—is fascinating blend of humor, contemplation, and absurdism.  This may be a megastore, but it caters to the dregs of society.  Bums, drunks, and nut cases abound, all of them looking for a free meal and things to swipe.  Store security is sparse and lax; and the store’s management tries to reach its impossible quotas by periodically firing half the employees and telling the remaining ones to work twice as fast and twice as hard.

 

    Don and several of his co-workers become friends after discovering they share some common interests, such as gaming and booze.  Other co-workers and regular customers are given nicknames, such as “Lil Bit”, “Janet Prime”, “Other Steve”, “King of Mullets”, “Count Chocula”, and “Obi Wan”.  That latter one becomes Don’s mentor, and trains him in the art of being a store detective.  The author frequently crosses paths with weird-acting customers; the details of their antics and the epithets with which Don dubs them are fascinating.

 

    The book’s title refers to a small clique of store employees.  The author sprinkles a fair amount of music references throughout the book.  His tastes theein are quite eclectic; I guarantee you’ll find some of your favorites mentioned.  I also learned a new acronym—FNG—I’ll let you figure that one out.  Things close with the author finally finding another job, although I don’t recall any details being given about it.  Presumably it was a step upward.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 3.8*/5, based on 28 ratings and 23 reviews.

    Goodreads: 2.86*/5, based on 21 ratings and 5 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    So, upon having helped catch some shoplifters—even though it’s not my job—I want to address a few things concerning shoplifting.  Shoplifters, try better.  It’s hard to beat you down when I’m laughing so hard.  Here are a few examples:

    When trying to make counterfeit money, remember to print on both sides.  Just saying.

    Do not try to hide things you cannot feasibly hide.  A computer box does not fit in your sweatpants.

    Do not act suspicious.  Asking things like “Do those cameras work?” or “Is your security guard armed?” kind of tip me off that you’re about to wreck our sh*t.  (pg. 80)

 

    I messed with her.  I said, “Let the ruling classes tremble at a (the word “communist” goes here, but I removed it because it was too obvious) revolution.  The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains.  They have a world to win.  Working men of all countries, unite!”

    She laughed naively, saying, “Oh, that’s an interesting quote.  Who said that?”

    I told the truth on this one.  “Karl Marx,” I said.

    She said, “Oh, I love the Marx Brothers!  The guy with the horn is hilarious!”  (pg. 139)

 

Who shoplifts at six thirty in the morning?”  (pg. 303)

    It came as no surprise that there’s a lot of cussing in The Broke Ass Brigade; I counted 28 instances in the first 10% of the book, including 10 f-bombs.  Ethnic slurs also crop up; as do references to sexual practices and parts.  Typos occur with such frequency that they become a distraction.

 

    The fact that the author suffers from Asperger’s syndrome is cited in the book’s subtitle, but I saw very little evidence of it impacting the storytelling.  Then again, I know very little about Asperger’s, save that it is a learning disability and now has a newer name.  The author mouths off to wacko-acting and/or light-fingered customers, but I doubt that can be blamed on his affliction.

 

    There’s not much storyline progression in the storyline.  Don Romonov wants out the first day of his job; and retains that aspiration until his last day there.  But hey, this is a memoir, not a novel; there wasn’t any career progression in the author’s life during this period.

    Despite the drawbacks, I enjoyed The Broke Ass Brigade.  I too had several menial jobs as a teenager—dishwasher (one job washing by hand, one job washing by machine), busboy, gas station attendant—so Don Romonov’s work woes brought back old memories.  If you had a similar low-paying, crappy job or jobs as a teen, this book might resonate with you as well.

 

    6 Stars.  One last thing.  Amazon’s audiobook version of The Broke Ass Brigade lists this an a “Satirical Literature & Fiction” book.  I certainly hope this is not a piece of fiction.

Johnny Mnemonic - Terry Bisson

 

    1995; 246 pages.  New Author? : No.  Genres: Cyberpunk; Dystopian Science Fiction; Urban Thriller.  Overall Rating : 7*/10.

 

    Hey, did you ever have trouble getting rid of some unwanted memory that was stuck in your head?  Well, Johnny Mnemonic has that same problem.

 

    Okay, not quite.  Actually, he has a data storage chip stuck in his brain.  When it comes to transferring top secret information, Johnny Mnemonic is much more reliable than computers.  Plug a connecting cable into Johnny’s head, upload the file, protect it with a couple of passwords, unplug when finished, and tell him where to deliver it.  Not even Johnny himself can access the chip.  It’s foolproof.

 

    Okay, not quite.  Someone wants to hijack Johnny’s latest mission.  They may not have the passwords, but a good hacker can overcome that.  What they need is the data storage chip.  And that can be extracted from Johnny’s brain.

 

    In a most blood-curdling fashion.

 

What’s To Like...

    Johnny Mnemonic was originally a short story by William Gibson that appeared in Omni Magazine in 1981.  It was expanded into an hour-and-a-half movie in 1995 (starring Keanu Reeves), and Terry Bisson did a 246-page novelization of the movie in 1995 as well.  This review is of Bisson’s novel.

 

    The main story thread follows Johnny as he desperately tries to avoid falling into the hands of a crack team of Yakuza assassins tasked with acquiring the data chip, with or without Johnny’s presence around it.  The book opens in Beijing, China, but most of the story takes place in Newark, New Jersey.

 

    The action starts immediately.  Johnny’s clients are in the middle of uploading the secret files and passwords into Johnny’s skull when the Yakuza thugs strike.  Johnny barely escapes, and after that, it’s just one thrill after another.  He meets a bunch of interesting characters along the way, not all of which have his best interests in mind.

 

    I liked the dystopian world setting.  The rich are extremely rich and decadent.  The poor are extremely poor and extremely cautious and cunning.  The street preacher is devout and deadly.  And the dolphin is a computer whiz, but also a heroin junkie.  There are some neato futuristic gadgets such as vidphones and stun clubs, and an innovative way to prolong one’s existence.

 

    Things build to a suitably tense and exciting climax.  Help comes unexpectedly from a family member.  And the junkie dolphin.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 5.0*/5, based on 1 rating and 0 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.79*/5, based on 12,336 ratings and 206 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    Yomamma and Pretty didn’t like each other all that much.  They had been man and woman once, though nobody except themselves could remember which had been the man and which the woman.  Now they were both women—Ralfi’s amazon gladiator muscle.  Yomamma was black and Pretty was white, but they both had augmented jade-green eyes and, except for the tone of their skin, they could have been built out of the same kit: steroid-spectacular biceps, V-2 rocket breasts, hips like sugar-cured hams and thighs twisted with muscle like bridge cables.  There hadn’t been enough meat left over for brains.  (pg. 50)

 

    “I should have known better!” he said.

    “Known better than what?”

    “Known better than to try to help.  All my life I’ve been careful to stay in my own corner, looking out for number one.  No complications.  Now suddenly, according to Spider, I’m responsible for the entire f**king world, plus everybody and his mother is trying to kill me, which is totally unnecessary since my head is going to blow up first!”  (pg. 168)

 

“So farce, oh good,” as the Americans liked to say. (pg. 30)

    The profanity level was relatively light in Johnny Mnemonic.  I counted just 11 instances in the first 20% of the book, although three of those were f-bombs.  There’s lots of violence and killing, although I’d rate it PG, not R.  I didn’t notice any typos.

 

    If I had to quibble about anything, it would be that there’s not a lot of depth to the tale.  Johnny runs; Yakuza dudes chase; all turns out well in the end.  But I think this is inherent when penning a novelization of an action-intrigue movie.  And as our real world tries to cope with Artificial Intelligence impacting our lives, perhaps Johnny Mnemonic has a timely message about that.  There are also some interesting religious insights offered via the Street Preacher dude.

 

    The movie version of Johnny Mnemonic generally received poor ratings and I suspect this constrained Terry Bisson’s literary efforts.  Nonetheless, I’ll be on the lookout for the DVD of this.

 

    7 Stars.  One last thing.  The paperback version of Johnny Mnemonic at Amazon is limited to one source.  When I checked at the time of writing this review (Sept. 23), the price for a used copy was $1,329.50.  Yesterday, it was $1,446.56.  I got my paperback copy, albeit of a different edition, for $4.00.

Magnus Chase - The Hammer of Thor - Rick Riordan

    2016; 434 pages.  Book 2 (out of 3) in the “Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard” series.  New Author? : No.  Genres: Fantasy; YA; Norse Mythology.  Overall Rating: 8½*/10.

 

    The Norse god Thor has lost his hammer.  He doesn’t seem all that concerned about it.  What a doofus.

 

    Rumor has it that Thrym, the king of the Jotun (that means “Giants” for you non-Viking readers) has it and has hid it somewhere.  Since Thrym’s an Earth giant, it could be buried miles underground anywhere, and is probably even beyond the reach of any of the Norse gods.

 

    But Thrym’s a reasonable Jotun; he's willing to make a deal for returning the sword, assuming he does indeed know where it is.  His price: he wants the hand of Samirah “Sam” al-Abbas in marriage.  She’s a Valkyrie who can shapeshift, but is already betrothed to someone else and whom she loves deeply.  What’s the big deal with Thor’s hammer, anyway?

 

    Well, if the giants find out that Thor has lost his hammer, they’ll attack the Norse deities.  It will be the beginning of something called Ragnarok, and the outcome is already known.  Odin, Thor, and the rest of the Norse gods are doomed to being slain.  In other words, it would be the End of the World.

 

    Come on, Sam.  It’s time for you to take one for the team.

 

What’s To Like...

    Magnus Chase – The Hammer of Thor is the second book in Rick Riordan’s “Gods of Asgard” trilogy.  I read Book One (it is reviewed here), but that was seven years ago.  So Book Two was essentially a standalone tale for me, and which wasn't a problem.

 

    The target audience is YA (Young Adult) but grown-ups will enjoy it equally well.  What starts out as a simple task—get Thor’s hammer back—quickly becomes a complicated affair.  The main baddie is the trickster god Loki, the god of Mischief, who, despite being imprisoned for the past thousand years, is quite capable of wreaking havoc upon humans, giants, and fellow gods alike.

 

    There are critters galore to meet and greet, including Valkyries, talking goats, elves, dwarves, and dragons (“lindworms”), many of which can shape-shift.  Rick Riordan deftly blends a whole bunch of Norse mythology into the tale, which I thoroughly enjoyed.  He also includes a very useful Glossary in the back of the book for referencing any gods, giants, and mythological items and places you’re unfamiliar with.  Bookmark it, you’ll be using it a lot.

 

    The story is told in the first-person POV—Magnus’s.  The story starts out set in Cape Cod, but for the most part we travel around the realms of the Nordic pantheon.  Each chapter has a clever title which gives you a hint at what’s coming.  ASL (American Sign Language) also is used, since one of the characters is a deaf-mute.  I presume the ASL signals used are accurate.  It was kewl seeing Taco Bell and the TV shows Gilligan’s Island and Cheers get mentioned, albeit briefly.

 

    The ending is suitably exciting and double-edged.  The mission to recover Thor’s hammer is resolved, but the annoying issue with Loki is left hanging.  I presume that’s what Book Three, The Ship of the Dead, addresses.

 

Excerpts...

    I took a sip.  Without doubt, it was the best stuff I’d ever had—with the sweetness of honey, the richness of chocolate, and the coolness of glacier ice, yet it tasted unlike any of those.  It filled my stomach more satisfyingly than a three-course meal.  The jolt it gave me made the mead of Valhalla seem like a knock-off brand of energy drink.

    Suddenly, the living room was tinged with kaleidoscopic light.  I gazed outside at the well-manicured lawn, the sculptured hedgerows, the garden topiaries.  I wanted to pull off my sunglasses, break through the window, and go skipping merrily through Alfheim until the sun burned my eyes out.

    I realized Mr. Alderman was watching me, waiting to see how I handled the elfish goofy juice.  (pg. 171)

 

    “As I see it, there are two options going forward to thwart Loki.  First option: I kill you all and take the Skofnung Sword, thus preventing it from falling into Loki’s hands.”

    Sam’s hand crept to her ax.  “I’m not liking option one.”

    The giant shrugged.  “Well, it’s simple, effective, and relatively foolproof.  It doesn’t get you the hammer back, but as I said, I don’t care about that.  My main concern is keeping Loki in captivity.  If he gets free, he starts Ragnarok right now, and I, for one, am not ready.  We have ladies’ night at the bowling alley on Friday.  Doomsday would completely mess that up.”  (pg. 328)

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Gamalost (n.) : a traditional, highly pungent Norwegian cheese.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.7*/5, based on 16,343 ratings and 1,445 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.29*/5, based on 134,665 ratings and 8,875 reviews.

 

The thing about gods is, you can’t really slap them when they’re acting stupid.  (pg. 406)

    Magnus Chase – The Hammer of Thor is a YA novel; therefore it is not surprising that there are zero cusswords and zero adult situations in it.  The closest we get to profanity is the phrase “go to Helheim”, which I thought was quite innovative.

 

    Be aware that one of the characters is described as “gender fluid and transgender”.  This leads to some amusing situations; sometimes she’s a she, sometimes he’s a he.  Wikipedia gives some insight into Rick Riordan’s reason for having a trans character in the story.  Homophobes should probably give this book a pass.

 

    The only bit of nitpicking I can come up with is the lack of a “Cast of Characters” section.  I’m not sure which ones are recurring and which ones are new.  Of course, it would help if I don’t wait another seven years to read Book Three.

 

    But I quibble.  Magnus Chase – The Hammer of Thor was an enjoyable read for me, even though I’m not the target audience.  The pacing is fast, there’s lots of action, and wit abounds.  YA readers and adults will be equally entertained.

 

    8½ Stars.  One last thing.  Magnus Chase is revealed to be left-handed.  At one point he remembers a frantic scene where his second-grade teacher tapes his left hand to the desk in an effort to force him to learn to write right-handed.  I, too, am a leftie.  I never went through this sort of experience, but my brother, a lefty nine-years older than me, was subjected to this sort of conversion therapy.

Lessons in Chemistry - Bonnie Garmus

    2022; 404 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : Humorous Fiction; Feminism; Chemistry; Cooking.  Laurels: Barnes & Noble 2022 Book of the Year (winner), plus five more.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    Elizabeth Zott needs a job.  She’s been expelled from her doctoral program and fired from her lab technician job.  There are bills to pay and a young daughter to raise.  TV executive Walter Pine has a job opening.  He works at KCTV and is putting together a new afternoon TV show.

 

    But afternoon TV shows are tricky things.  The target audience is retired old people who have quaint viewing preferences.  Walter reckons little old ladies would like a cooking show.  One that gives them new ideas to make for supper.

 

    The host of the show has got to be a good-looking woman.  Elizabeth meets that criterion, so she’s a good choice for the job.  And for the retired males who might be watching, the female host should be wearing a tight-fitting outfit and be a bit of a ditz.  Elizabeth preferred fashion outfit is a lab coat.

 

    Walter, we have a problem.

 

What’s To Like...

    Lessons in Chemistry is Bonnie Garmus’s debut novel, and won six literary awards, including the impressive Barnes & Noble’s “2022 Book of the Year”.  The main storyline is a clever blend of chemistry, cooking, science-vs.-religion, and feminism, yet somehow manages to be both thought-provoking and humorous at the same time.

 

    The book opens at an interesting point.  Elizabeth’s five-year old, precocious daughter “Madeline” (her real name is ‘Mad’.  Don’t ask why.)  is getting ready for school and her mom is heading to work as the host on the TV show “Supper at Six”.  The second chapter then ushers in an extensive flashback relating how Elizabeth got into this situation.

 

    The main focus of the tale is on Elizabeth learning to cope with being an attractive, highly intelligent, well-schooled, hard-working female.  You might think with all those assets, Elizabeth’s life and career would be smooth sailing.  It is not.

 

    I loved the character development.  Madeline is gifted but willful.  Six-Thirty is a sentient dog.  Walter Pine struggles to satisfy both a headstrong TV host and what his boss thinks will attract the largest TV audience.  Calvin Evans just wants a hassle-free job and lifestyle.

 

    The ending is both heartwarming and twisty.  A lineage issue is cleared up and Elizabeth finally finds a job worthy of her talents.  At least she, and the reader, hope so.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Abiogenesis (n.) : the natural process by which life arises from non-living matter on Earth.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.6/5 based on 316,649 ratings and 8,650 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.28/5 based on 1,899,426 ratings and 166,560 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    Scientists.  They just had to be different.

    That was also part of the problem.  Most of the Hastings scientists weren’t different—or at least not different enough.  They were normal, average, at best slightly above average.  Not stupid, but not genius either.  They were the kind of people who make up the majority of every company—normal people who do normal work, and who occasionally get promoted into management with uninspiring results.  People who weren’t going to change the world, but neither were they accidentally going to blow it up.  (pg. 108)

 

    “After you’ve rubbed your steak with a halved clove of fresh garlic,” Elizabeth said a few minutes later, “sprinkle both sides of the meat with sodium chloride and piperine.  Then, when you notice the butter foaming”—she pointed to a hot cast-iron skillet—“place the steak in the pan.  Be sure and wait until the butter foams.  Foam indicates that the butter’s water content has boiled away.  This is critical.  Because now the steak can cook in lipids rather than absorb H₂O.”  (pg. 288)

 

“Pass the sodium chloride.”  (pg. 61)

    The profanity frequency in Lessons in Chemistry is relatively light; I noted just 8 instances in the first 10% of the book, two of which were f-bombs.  A few R-rated situations arise along the way.

 

    I didn’t notice any typos in the whole book, which is a rarity for me.  Elizabeth’s brother committed suicide because he was a homosexual, which has a profound effect on her.  One of the characters likes to debate the subject of Science-vs.-Religion with her.  Homophobes and Bible-Thumpers may want to give this book a pass.

 

    All of the plot threads get tied up, so I'm guessing there won't be a sequel to this novel.  It would be nice to be wrong about that though.  Bonnie Garmus’s second book, Peck & Peck, is due out in mid-October.  For a sneak preview, read Amazon's blurb.  It certainly looks promising.

 

    I am a (retired) chemist by trade, so Lessons in Chemistry really resonated with me.  The lab I worked in was usually an even mix of genders, and two of the four lab managers we had over the years were female.  Our experiences with intelligent female chemists were overwhelmingly positive.

 

    As the Ratings section above shows, Lessons in Chemistry is highly regarded and extremely popular.  It is fully worthy of the laurels that have been bestowed upon it.  I highly recommend it, both to male and female readers.

 

    9 Stars.  One last thing. At one point, the operetta Mikado comes under fire for being “sexist”.  I don’t do operettas, so this was a surprise for me.  Fortunately, Wikipedia gives an insightful explanation of why it’s garnered such criticism.

Funny For Nothing - Drew Gallagher

    2026; 198 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : Humorous Essays; Satire; Anthology; Newspaper Tie-In.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    Hey, let's test your general knowledge.  In all sorts of categories.

 

    Music: Which type of Kazoo is best when playing orchestral pieces: metal or plastic?

    RPGs: How long has Dungeons & Dragons been around?

    Communication: What is the proper way to flip the bird to someone?

    Famous People: Who the heck is/was Elizabeth McGlinchy Flatbush Ratcliffe?

    Famous People, Part 2: Who the heck is/was Wee Willie Tinkler?

    Dolphin Sex: Gay, straight, or both?  For fun, procreation, or both?

    Entertainment:  Who is the #1 Humorist in Virginia?

 

    The answers to all these questions, and oodles more, can be found Drew Gallagher’s hilarious new book, Funny For Nothing.  Well, all except for that “#1 Virginia Humorist” query.  That’s privileged information.

 

    However, we will reveal who the #2 Humorist in Virginia is.

 

What’s To Like...

  Funny For Nothing is a collection of newspaper columns written by Drew and previously published in the Fredericksburg, Virginia newspaper FXBG Advance in 2024-2025.  Things open with a Foreword. recounting how the book came to be; then 34 columns follow, divided into 9 sections, to wit:

 

    01. My Life in Politics  (pg. 6)

    02. All the World’s a Stage  (pg. 22)

    03. Gay Dolphins, Pool Toys, and Sex with T-Rex  (pg. 41)

    04. When Words Fail, Music Speaks (I Fail a Lot)  (pg. 57)

    05. Milestones  (pg. 85)

    06. Made Up History in Memoriam  (pg. 101)

    07. Friends and Lovers  (pg. 123)

    08.Toil and Trouble  (pg. 149)

    09. A Word from Our Sponsor  (pg. 178)

 

    Full Disclosure: I’ve never been a big reader of newspaper columns, so I was a little leery about picking up this book.  I knew the Music and History sections would resonate with me, since I love those topics.  But I don’t know squat about Virginia politics, nor anything about the author’s friends and life story.

 

    I shouldn’t have worried.  Drew’s writing style is witty and informative, and most importantly, easy and fun to read.  You can glimpse the early roots of his skills in poems from his school days, several of which are included here.  All the columns kept my interest, and my favorite ones were The Molly Pitcher Amalgam, The Bird is The Word, and White Men Without Hats.  YMMV.

 

    I was surprised at how closely Drew’s tastes in music, literature, and movies matched up with my own.  He loves Kurt Vonnegut, Christopher Moore, and e.e. cummings; so do I.  He digs Monty Python, and Waiting for Godot, as do I.  And his music references are fantastic!  Warren Zevon, Tom Morello, Enya, John Prine, Randy Newman, The Hooters all get mentioned in this book; plus dozens more.  I'd love to see a list of the concerts he’s attended in one of his future columns!

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  5.0/5 based on 4 ratings and 4 reviews.

    Goodreads: 5.00/5 based on 2 ratings and 1 review.

 

Excerpts...

    For some readers of this column, D&D turning 50 will likely unleash of nostalgia that probably includes the books of J.R.R. Tolkien and memories of spending late nights enthralled in adventures of the imagination and fantasizing about what it might be like to feel the touch of a real girl rather than wandering darkened woods with dwarves and gnomes.  For other readers, the mere mention of D&D is their cue to read no further in this column because, well, it’s a column on a game that used dice of assorted shapes and sizes and was played by boys who, in study hall, wanted to tell you about their half-elf ranger named Thrace.  (pg. 92)

 

    There were some homestands where I didn’t see my place in Fredericksburg for more than a week which cost me a friendship and possibly a romance that would not have ended well because she did not like beer or baseball.  She was a college friend who tried to show her interest in me by leaving a single rose on my doorstep but it was at the start of a homestand.  It was a romantic gesture and, symbolically, was supposed to signal to me that she was interested in being something more than friends.  The gesture failed dramatically though when I finally saw the symbol dead and wilted on my doorstep 10 days later.  (pg. 134)

 

Kindle Details…

    The e-book version of Funny For Nothing is currently priced at $5.99 at Amazon.  It is also available in paperback, which costs $14.99 right now.  This is Drew’s first published work, but here's hoping he’s working on a follow-up.

 

“Drew died doing what he loved. Writing about T-Rex sex with women.”  (pg. 53)

    There’s a light sprinkling of profanity in Funny For Nothing; I noticed just four instances in the first 20% of the book.  This mildly surprised me because I don’t recall ever seeing newspaper columns including cusswords in their text.  But maybe I’m behind the times.

 

    It should be noted that topics like sexual orientation, race relations, and state and national politics are fair game for Drew’s columns.  I gather that the Fredericksburg Advance newspaper is viewed to be the city’s left-leaning publication.  MAGA enthusiasts should probably give Funny For Nothing a pass.

 

    I spotted three typos in the whole book, all of them ticky-tacky: Adbul/Abdul, Red Coats/Redcoats, and web site/website.  Kudos to the book’s editors and beta readers for a job well done.  Also, for some reason, the e-book version and the paperback version of Funny For Nothing are separate listings at Amazon.  Be aware that you have a choice of formats.

 

    But enough of the quibbling.  Funny For Nothing was a great read for me, filled with humor, wit, spoofery, interesting historical trivia, and AWESOME music references.  Treat yourself to something by Virginia’s first-&-future Secretary of Levity by picking a copy up today.

 

    9 Stars.  One last thing.  For all its wit and humor, one column, Cricket’s Big Day, left a lump in my throat.  See if that happens to you as well.