Napoleon's Hemorrhoids - Phil Mason

   2010; 243 pages (including the Introduction, but not the Index).  Full Title: Napoleon’s Hemorrhoids – And Other Small Events that Changed History.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : Historical Trivia; Non-Fiction; History - Anecdotes.  Overall Rating : 7½*/10.

 

    There is a famous proverb titled ”For want of a nail”.  Wikipedia says it’s been around since the 13^th century, and it comes in many variations.  One of the shorter versions is:

 

   “For want of a nail the shoe was lost;
    For want of a shoe the horse was lost;
    For want of a horse the battle was lost;
    For the failure of battle the kingdom was lost—
    All for the want of a horse-shoe nail.”

 

    The principle of the proverb is that small changes in seemingly insignificant actions can sometimes have major impacts on history-making events.  Sounds far-fetched, doesn’t it?

 

    In Napoleon’s Hemorrhoids, Phil Mason offers up a slew of examples of this, in all sorts of fields such as history, politics, business, sports, science, and even the arts.  Wacky things, such as Napoleon’s hemorrhoids flaring up on the morning of the Battle of Waterloo, may have changed the course of history.

 

    Over and over, you’ll find yourself “what if such and such an incidental event had never occurred"?

 

What’s To Like...

    Napoleon’s  Hemorrhoids consists of ten chapters, each spotlighting a different area.  They are:

    Chapter 01: Detours in the Match of History

    Chapter 02: Politics – Fates and Fortunes

    Chapter 03: History’s Tricks – Accidents, Illnesses and Assassinations

    Chapter 04: The Fog of War

    Chapter 05: Science – Inspiration, Invention and Intrigue

    Chapter 06: Chance Beginnings

    Chapter 07: Artistic Strokes (of Luck)

    Chapter 08: “Unlucky, Sport!”

    Chapter 09: Crime – Missed Demeanours

    Chapter 10: Business – Enterprise and Intuition

    None of the chapters are in the least bit boring, and it's no surprise that Chapter 4, The Fog of War, is the longest one, logging in at 47 pages.

 

    The author is lives in England, which means the book is written in "English", not "American".  So you encounter spellings like tranquillity, centred, tyres, licence, 40-storey, and have to figure out what the phrase “cock a snook” means, which is given below.  The entries are generally short – sometimes just one or two paragraphs, occasionally as long as a page or two.

 

    I was already aware of some of the entries, such as:

    The Battle of Gettysburg was an accident and only happened because all because one army wanted some boots.

    In Central America in 1969, a war was fought over a soccer match.

    How rabbits were introduced, and then ran like a plague unchecked over Australia.

    The USA ignored numerous warnings leading up to the attack on Pearl Harbor,

    How Post-It notes were developed.

    Captain Oates’ final Antarctic walk.

 

    But most of the entries were new to me.  I learned lots of new trivia, such as:

    How the Alaskan city of Nome got its name.

    Bayer once marketed heroin as a commercial product.

    The last words of Albert Einstein.

    The controversy about the naming of Uranus. <snickers>

    How close we came to starting a nuclear war in 1962.

 

    There’s a 14-page index in the back which came in quite handy while I was reading the book.  Don’t be misled by the text’s overall lighthearted tone and the fact that its target audience is the British public.  There are a lot of wonderful and little-known historical anecdotes here that really will make you pause to wonder how big a part serendipity played in history down through the millennia.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Cock a snook (v., phrase) : to openly show contempt or a lack of respect for someone or something..

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.1*/5, based on 520 ratings and 184 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.36*/5, based on 1,304 ratings and 71 reviews.

 

 

Excerpts...

    The change of weather from the heat of Algeria to a European winter gave Arnaud a terrific cold.  As he led his forces to confront a mob resisting the coup he is said to have caught a coughing fit.  As it ended, he cursed “Ma sacrée toux” (“My damned cough!”).  The head of the Guard misheard it as “Massacrez tous” (“Massacre them all”) and launched an assault on the crowd.  Up to 800 people are believed to have been killed.  It was the pivotal moment in turning the tide of the coup.  (pg. 9)

 

    The West African state of Benin had its entire air force destroyed in 1988 by a single errant golf shot.

    Metthieu Goya, a ground technician and keen golfer, was practising on the airfield during a lunchtime break when he sliced a drive.  Th ball struck the windscreen of a jet fighter that was preparing to take off, causing it to career into the country’s other four jets neatly lined up by the runway.  All five aircraft were write-offs.  (pg. 68)

 

New York became British because of a Dutch obsession with nutmegs.  (pg. 5)

    The quibbles are minor.

 

    As noted, Napoleon’s Hemorrhoids is written with the British reading audience in mind.  Thus the chapters generally start out with entries that involve English activities, then follow with ones involving the rest of the world.  This was generally not off-putting to a Yankee reader like me, except for the chapter on sports which led off with a number of entries about the quaint but unfathomable sport of cricket.

 

    Also, Phil Mason rarely if ever lists the sources of the small-but-impactful events he cites.  True, in these days of Google and Wikipedia, researching something on your own is easy, and yes, if he had devoted 50 pages to “Notes and Sources” I’d be bitching about how many trees he was killing to produce those pages (I read the hardcover version).

 

    The most egregious of this came on page 28, with an anecdote about a “would-be minister who has remained unidentified” blowing a one-on-one interview given by the British Prime Minister because the applicant was in “fawning mode” too much.  Exactly how could there by a source for that?

 

    That’s about it.  Napoleon’s Hemorrhoids is an incredibly clean read.  The lone cussword was on page six, and was a “lavatorial allusion” attributed to Martin Luther, and the lone typo I caught was the often-encountered “loose/lose” mix-up.

 

    Overall, Napoleon’s Hemorrhoids was exactly what I was looking for.  It wasn’t an in-depth scholarly treatise, but it was never intended to be.  What it was, was both an enlightening and a fun read.

 

    7½ Stars.  One last thing.  As Americans, we are given a decidedly slanted viewpoint when it comes to teaching United States History.  Basically, we never did anything stupid or wrong.  So it was interesting to read the more objective viewpoints of a British author concerning our country's actions.

Blue Christmas - Emma Jameson

   2019; 262 pages.  Book 6 (out of 7) in the “Lord and Lady Hetheridge Mystery” series.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres : Traditional Detective Mysteries; British Crime Fiction.  Overall Rating : 7*/10.

 

    Lord Tony Hetheridge and his wife, Lady Kate Hetheridge have both left their London police careers behind, albeit for somewhat different reasons.  For Tony, it’s to pursue his dream of being a "PI" (Private Investigator).  To be his own boss, pick his own cases, investigate and hopefully solve the crimes in whatever manner he deems best.

 

    For Kate, the reasons are much darker.  In her final case for the police, she was beaten nearly to death, leading to extended stays in the hospital, and a year’s worth of grueling rehab.  The emotional injuries ran even deeper.  Kate withdrew from the world, and now it doesn’t seem like she'll ever come out again.

 

    But now Kate’s ex-partner in the police force, DI Paul Bhar, has just contacted them to see if they’d both want to rejoin the severely understaffed detective force, even if on a temporary basis.  The investigation of a recent murder could definitely use their experience and attention.  Alas, neither of the Hetheridges are keen on it.

 

    Then Paul mentions that the killer rigged up the most bizarre murder weapon he’s ever seen, and if they don’t believe him, Tony and Kate should come right over to the crime scene and judge for themselves.

 

    And just like that, they’re back on the job.

 

What’s To Like...

    Blue Christmas is the sixth book in Emma Jameson’s Lord and Lady Hetheridge Mystery series, but it's my introduction to this author.  The story is set in London, and it's written in what I’ll call “Harry Potter style”, meaning that the spellings are “American”, as in: neighboring and offenses; as are the measurements (miles, not metres); but the lingo is decidedly “British”, as in:  the loo, ASDA, spendy, windcheater, half-five, prawn crisps, and many more, the best of which are listed below.

 

    The tale has a delightful “feel” of being in England, so I was surprised to find out that the author is American.  I learned that England’s equivalent of our "9-1-1" is “999”, that the “Michelin Man” has recently lost a lot of weight, and got a chuckle when my favorite British phrase “and Bob’s your uncle”, showed up.  Alas, American culture has infiltrated the UK.  Both Facebook and Skype come into play, Frasier is a popular TV show, and the “STEM” educational curriculum is in use across the pond.

 

    Amazon lists the genre as a “Traditional Detective Series”, and that seems accurate, but cozy mystery fans will also be comfortable with it, as I noticed only two instances of cussing throughout the entire book.  Yes, we get to see the murder victim at the crime scene and yes, Kate and Tony have a couple of rolls-in-the-hay, but it’s all tastefully done.

 

    The promise of “most bizarre murder weapon ever” proved to be true, and suckered me into guessing the wrong suspect.  Tony and Kate both eventually suss out the perpetrator, albeit via somewhat different paths of logic.  In the end, they both discover that their transition back into the London police system has gone rather smoothly.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Skeevy (adj.) : unpleasant, squalid, distasteful.

Others: gimcrack (adj.); fanny about (v. Britishism); giddy goat (n., phrase), winkle out (v., Britishism); bog (n., Britishism); rozzers (n., plural, Britishism); skint (adj., Britishism); schtum (adj.); up the duff (phrase); bellend (n., obscene).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.5*/5, based on 2,290 ratings and 343 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.37*/5, based on 1,743 ratings and 183 reviews.

 

 

Excerpts...

    They were keenly aware that a case’s evidence could be adulterated or destroyed altogether by witnesses, police officers, or even medical personnel, and strove to photograph, bag, and preemptively collect as much as possible.  Any break in the chain of custody would be exploited in court by the defense.  Such barristers certainly weren’t above suggesting to a jury that if Constable Cockup had breathed on a bloodstain, the DNA in the real killer’s blood might have magically transmogrified into that of the poor, innocent man standing in the dock.  (loc. 2089)

 

    “I hope nobody takes offense, but look around.  Old man Galen was a bitter pill.  He dumped piss-pots in our garden once a week.  He chased dog-walkers.  He used to taunt Selma about her oxygen tank and say when you can’t breathe, take a hint and drop dead.  He told one of Leona’s man-friends that she had syphilis…”

    “Ebola, actually, but the intent was the same,” Leona broke in.  “And that was my ex-husband.”  (loc. 2527)

 

“Your grandchild will be a wog!  We’re calling it Woggie McWogface!”  (loc. 1921)

    There are some nits to pick.  Blue Christmas focuses on both the mystery element – how to figure out who murdered an old man when everyone in the neighborhood disliked him, and the human element – will Kate ever be able to put the traumatic events of the previous book behind her?  Sadly, the balance of that focus is heavily weighted towards the human issues.  In fact, the first 10% of the book is devoted exclusively to that.  So if you’re anxious to get started solving the murder case, as I was, you’ve got quite a wait at the outset.

 

    There's not a lot of tension and excitement in the ending.  All the suspects are called to a neighborhood meeting where Tony and Kate present the results of their investigations.  The perpetrator is identified on logical but flimsy evidence, yet conveniently and inexplicably gives a full and unforced confession.  The whole thing felt contrived.

 

    But perhaps I just haven’t caught the gist of this series yet.  Maybe the personal lives of our two protagonists are just as important, and get just as much attention, as the crimes they investigate.

 

    We shall see.  I’ve got two more books from this series sitting on my Kindle, and I’m betting I’ll have a better idea of what a typical Emma Jameson story entails after reading them.

 

    7 Stars.  Blue Christmas was my “Holiday read” for 2021, and I note in closing that the Epilogue was appropriately heartwarming and Christmassy in a Dickensian sort of way, with nary a “Bah humbug!” in sight.

Belly of the Beast - Scott Baron

   2021; 433 pages.  Book 2 (out of 5) in the “Warp Riders” series.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Space Opera; Science Fiction; Space Exploration.  Overall Rating: 7*/10.

 

    Thus far, the galactic reconnaissance mission has been an utter failure.  Just ask Captain Sadira Perez.

 

    They've been sent out on a mission to locate the homeworld of a spaceship that had the gall to fire preemptively at Sadira’s ship, and the first thing to happen was a warp malfunction that booted Sadira and her crew into a who-knows-where-we-are part of the galaxy.  Her star charts are useless, as is the AI that controls all the vital functions of the spaceship.  Finding those hostile aliens is now Priority #2; Sadira would settle for somehow finding her way back home.

 

    But look!  Out there, dead ahead!  There’s an alien spaceship headed right toward us!  It’s different from the one that fired at us earlier, but maybe they have some star charts that would help Captain Sadira figure out where in the Milky Way we're at.

 

    Man, that ship is huge!  I wonder how many miles long it is.  And now, what looks like a giant mouth is opening up.  Jeez, it's so big it could swallow our ship whole.  It’s getting dangerously close now, and we seem to be headed right for that entryway!

 

    GULP!

 

What’s To Like...

    Belly of the Beast is the “sequel-to-the-prequel” in Scott Baron’s Warp Riders Space Exploration series.  I read the first novella-sized book, Deep Space Boogie, a couple months ago; it is reviewed here.  Sadira’s entire crew from that book are back for more thrills-&-spills: Hellatz, Moose, Holly, Goonara, Hump, Ace, and of course, Turd.

 

    The book’s title alludes to the “swallowed by a whale” tales – both the biblical “Jonah” one and the Disney “Pinocchio” one.  Sadira and crew need to find a way out of a decidedly bigger whale which, they quickly discover, has gulped down lots of asteroids and other spaceships.  Exploring the interior of the behemoth is the first order of business, and since they didn’t die while being swallowed, there might be other survivors in the same situation, some of whom might have valuable information to share.  Of course, others may prefer to kill and eat them.

 

    Once again there are lots of alien species to meet and marvel at.  Some get developed more than others, but there’s a nice variety in their structural make-up, including being mechanized, microscopic, made of stone, and coming with various numbers of legs, arms, and eyes.

 

    I liked how the “communicating with aliens” technology was handled, and laughed to learn that, like me, Holly hates the expression “it is what it is”.  It was fun to learn about the “archer’s paradox” (arrows bend in flight in order to fly straight), and I liked seeing Cthulhu get a brief reference.  The writing was surprisingly sparse of typos, and I found the author’s practice putting teasers at the end of most of the chapters kept me turning the pages.

 

    The ending is what you’d expect: after an appropriate tension build-up, the good guys escape the belly of the beast (well, most of them do, anyway) and the bad guys don’t.  Things close with a nice epilogue, which is serves as a teaser for the next book in the series, Rise of the Forgotten.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Nut up (v., phrase) : to suffer in silence, without complaint or protest.

Others: Ghillie suit (n., phrase).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.5*/5, based on 37 ratings and 9 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.16*/5, based on 37 ratings and 9 reviews

 

Excerpts...

    “You two go on ahead,” she told Hel and Moose.  “Clean up and get a decent meal in you.  And take a quick session in the med pod to up the oxygen content in your blood.  Both of you.”

    “But that thing’s in the med lab,” Moose said.

    “Yeah, and?  It’s strapped down and not going anywhere.”

    “It just creeps me out, is all.  Four legs?”

    “I have four arms, and yet you have no such issues with me,” Hellatz said.  “Or are you a secret limbist?”  (loc. 3562)

 

    “That’s his place,” the Pestri said, pointing to the marked domicile on Sadira’s tablet.  “Bestrus will probably be with a hunting party.  He will not be home.”

    “Are you sure of this?” Mahdus asked.

    “Sure?  Not at all.  I lost time in your ship.  I do not know which shift it is now.  But it is likely he is not there.  He only spends time in his home for two things.”

    “Sleeping and eating,” Hellatz said.

    “Sleeping, yes.  Eating, no.”

    “If not eating, then—”

    “Let it go, Hel.”  (loc. 6098)

 

Kindle Details…

    Belly of the Beast sells for $0.99 right now at Amazon, as does the prequel, Deep Space Boogie.  The other three books in the series each cost $3.99, and you have an additional option of picking up the first two books bundled together for just $0.99.  Scott Baron has several other series and short story anthologies to offer, with the books therein costing anywhere from $0.99 to $3.99.  Various bundles, containing anything from two to six books, range in price from $0.99 to $29.95.

 

“If that thing comes and sucks out my brains, it’s on you.”  (loc. 3579)

    There are some things to quibble about.

 

    After the initial ingestion, there’s lots of exploring but not much action over the first half of the book.  Even the “first contact” is rather bland, although the pace picks up when Varsu enters and then continues briskly through the end of the story.

 

    There are some telling/showing issues in the writing, although not to where it became off-putting. And if you don’t like a lot of cussing in your reading, be aware that I counted 26 instances in the first 5% of Belly of the Beast.  That extrapolates out to 560 cusswords total in the book.

 

     The timing of key events often felt a bit too convenient, particularly when it came to our mechanized heroes recharging or the AI entities rebooting.  The same “secret weapon” that carried the day in Deep Space Boogie once again gets used here.  And what ultimately enables Sadira and company to escape the belly of the beast is really just a deus ex machina.

 

    Finally, although the proofreaders did a great job here, I did chuckle at both a cameo appearance by Daisy, who's the protagonist in a different Scott Baron series, and something that gets put “through the ringer” instead of "through “the wringer”.

 

    7 Stars.  Despite the quibbles, I enjoyed Belly of the Beast.  Realistically, you probably would do a lot of exploring if caught in such a large area before crossing paths with a relatively small number of other survivors.  And realistically, if you were to escape by the hair on your chinny-chin-chin, lucky timing probably would be a factor.  So what if this is more of a beach-read than a work of hard science-fiction?  It was a fun read.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - J.K. Rowling

   2005; 652 pages.  Book 6 (out of 7) in the “Harry Potter” series.  New Author? : No.  Genres : Fantasy; YA; Adventure.  Laurels: Winner – 2006 British Book of the Year Award; 2006 Royal Mail Award for Scottish Children’s Books for Ages 8-12; 2005 Quill Award for Best Book of the Year.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

 

    It’s going to be a good year at Hogwarts for Harry Potter.

 

    For starters, he’s entering his sixth year there, and I guess he’s now an upperclassman, since the normal full term for studying there is seven years.  That means he's now eligible to take Apparition lessons, the somewhat dangerous but extremely useful art of disappearing from one spot (“disapparating”) and popping up someplace else (“apparating”).

 

    Harry’s also been appointed to be the Quidditch captain for House Gryffindor.  The upside to that is that those who want to be on the team will be sucking up to him.  The downside is that those who don’t make the team might hold it against him.

 

    Then there’s the rumor flying around Hogwarts that Harry’s “The Chosen One”.  That happens to be true, but it also means everybody’s going to be looking at him like he’s some sort of freak.  Except for Headmaster Dumbledore, who's said he'll be giving Harry one-on-one lessons on the things he needs to know in order to fulfill “the Prophecy”.

 

    Good luck, Harry.  You might not like some of that information that Dumbledore's going to impart.

 

What’s To Like...

    Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is the sixth, and next-to-last, book in J.K. Rowlings’ ultra-popular fantasy series and for Hogwarts habitués that means the times they are a-changin'.  A lot of background information about Lord Voldemort’s rise to infamy is revealed to Harry, courtesy of Dumbledore’s “Pensieve”, which gets used extensively here.  The final showdown is approaching, and Harry needs to prepare for it as best he can.

 

    At the same time, Harry and his friends are growing up, and feelings of “teen love” are sprouting up all over the place.  Quidditch takes a back seat: Gryffindor’s final and deciding game is missed entirely by both Harry and the reader.  The Order of the Phoenix plays a lesser role than in the previous book, as do Hagrid and the House Elves.  Classes outside of the Apparition lessons and Potions receive less attention, giving way to a frantic research effort to figure out what horcruxes are.  The tone of the book is understandably dark, although some bright spots still shine through, such as Arthur's term -of-endearment, "Mollywobbles".

 

    As always, J.K. Rowling weaves together a bunch of plot threads to keep you turning the pages.  These include: a.) how did Dumbledore injure his hand, b.) what mysterious dark object is Draco trying to get repaired, c.) who poisoned Katie Bell and Ron Weasley, d.) how and why does Draco periodically disappear, e.) who’s side is Snape on and what is his “Unbreakable Vow, f.) what memories is Slughorn hiding, and g.) why is Harry having trouble getting into the Room of Requirement?  But the most important question of all is: who is/was the Half-Blood Prince?  It is a credit to J.K. Rowling’s writing ability that all these threads are addressed and answered.

 

    There are a slew of characters and critters, both new and recurring, to cross paths with.  I thought there was a subtle object lesson in how Fleur was treated.  Anglicized spellings are nicely converted to American-ese, but British phrases remain untouched, including wotcher, wozzgoinon, pip pip, innit, Blimey, taking a shufti, and a dab hand.  Really, fellow Americans, we need to assimilate those into Yank-Speak, especially that last one which I’d never heard of before until encountering it twice in the past two months in books I was reading.

 

    The ending is both somber but satisfying.  None of the main baddies get their comeuppances, but the overarching “good-vs.-evil” conflict is now in the spotlight, and we get a glimpse of what is coming in Book Seven, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  I for one am looking forward to it.

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Shufti (n.) : a look or reconnoiter, especially a quick one (a Britishism).

Others: Prat (British, slang); Satsuma (n.); Tea Cozy (n., phrase).

 

Ratings…
    Amazon: 4.9*/5, based on 27,206 ratings and 7,916 reviews.

    Goodreads: 4.57*/5, based on 2,500,382 ratings and 44,933 reviews.

 

Excerpts...

    Harry could not get near the shelves.  He stared around, looking up at the boxes piled to the ceiling: Here were the Skiving Snackboxes that the twins had perfected during their last, unfinished year at Hogwarts; Harry noticed that the Nosebleed Nougat was most popular, with only one battered box left on the shelf.  There were bins full of trick wands, the cheapest merely turning into rubber chickens or pairs of briefs when waved, the most expensive beating the unwary user around the head and neck, and boxes of quills, which came in Self-Inking, Spell-Checking, and Smart-Answer varieties.  (pg. 116)

 

    “I haven’t found one single explanation of what Horcruxes do!” she told him.  “Not a single one!  I’ve been right through the restricted section and even in the most horrible books, where they tell you how to brew the most gruesome potions — nothing!  All I could find was this, in the introduction to Magick Moste Evile — listen — ‘Of the Horcrux, wickedest of magical inventions, we shall not speak nor give direction. . . .’  I mean, why mention it then?”  (pg. 381)

 

“And now, Harry, let us step out into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.”  (pg. 56)

    There’s very little to nitpick about with a megahit like Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  It is sometimes labeled a “children’s fantasy” book, but I think “YA fantasy” is more fitting.  The book is incredibly clean – I noted just five instances in the entire book, and those were limited to three “hells” and a pair of “damns”.

 

    One minor plot thread is left unresolved: the identity of the mysterious “R.A.B.” who absconded with a horcrux and left a note for Voldemort.  But I assume this was deliberate, as it also serves as a teaser for the next book.

 

    My last quibble is both the biggest and the shortest: the fox dies. (pg. 20).

 

    9 Stars.  To put things in perspective, Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince set records both for Amazon pre-orders (1.4 million copies) and sales within the first 24 hours after release (9 million copies) on July 16, 2005.  That latter record would last for two years before being shattered by – guess what – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.