The Brentford Chainstore Massacre - Robert Rankin

    1997; 366 pages.  Full Title: The Brentford Chainstore Massacre : The Fifth Novel in the Now Legendary Brentford Trilogy.  New Author? : No.  Genre : Absurdism; British Humor; Fantasy; “Far Fetched Fiction”; Running Gags.  Laurels: Nominee, British Fantasy Society “Best Novel” (1997).  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

    The year is 1997, and the world is starting to make plans to welcome in the new millennium.  Of course, it’s still a couple years away, so there’s lots of time to form committees, schedule celebrations, and come up with whatever other festivities are appropriate for welcoming in a new thousand-year stretch of time.

    But in quaint little Brentford, the time schedule is different.  They're planning for the  millennium to arrive two years early, and that means it’s just around the corner.  They’re entitled to this, they claim, because of some sort of document, issued by some Pope way back when, as a Papal Bull and called “the Brentford Scrolls”.  In it he bequeathed Brentford two extra days per year.  And as everyone knows, you can’t rescind something the Pope writes.

    Well, that might sound pretty silly, and it doesn’t help that no one remembers exactly where the Brentford Scrolls are located anymore, or indeed if it still exists.  Maybe it’s all a hoax, or an urban legend.

    But what if the Brentford way of calendar-reckoning is correct?  What if they’re the only ones who will be ushering in the new millennium at the precisely correct moment?  It might unleash something really cosmically good into the world.

    Or something really diabolically evil.

What’s To Like...

    The Brentford Chainstore Massacre is the fifth novel (out of ten, at last count) in the oxymoronically titled “Brentford Trilogy”, and that should give you a hint that the book will be full of the usual absurdities that run through anything penned by Robert Rankin.  The two main characters are Jim Pooley and John Omally, a pair of world-saving antiheroes who love to drink beer at the local pub called “The Flying Swan” and engage in witty repartee.  They are recurring Rankin characters, although I don’t think they are in every book in the quasi-trilogy.

     The storyline is convoluted and nonsensical.  There are two Ultimate Evils: Fred, who’s sold his soul to the Devil, and Dr. Steven Malone, who wants to clone Jesus Christ.  They are joined by a couple of brutish but somewhat dense thugs, Clive and Derek, so our two heroes will have to watch their step.

    The book is written in English, not American.  So you’ll run across words and spellings such as: lino, programme, marvellous, judgement, chilli pepper, and hoovering.  I love books written in English.  You’ll also be introduced to a pair of obscure (but real) medical terms, Idrophroisia and Sacofricosis, neither of which I had heard of before.  Google them at your own peril.

    I loved the ersatz Cockney rhyming schemes, such as “Sandra’s Thighs” standing for “eyes”, and laughed at acronyms such as SUCK (“Secret Unification for the Coming King”).  I was impressed by the two-page run-on sentence (shades of Jack Kerouac!) and another page devoted to F-alliteration.  And the secrets to traveling faster than the speed of light and “de-entropizing” will certainly come in handy. 

    There are 33 chapters (plus three short snippets of stories at the beginning) to cover 366 pages in the book.  There’s even a smidgen of a love story, which is somewhat rare in a Robert Rankin story, but don’t worry, this is not a Harlequin Romance.  The book’s title is referenced on page 242, but frankly, it's a very tenuous tie-in.

    The book’s ending is kind of a stutter-step affair.  The search for the Brentford Scrolls is resolved first, then the millennial celebration begins, with all its looming consequences.  It is all suitably climactic, exciting, and absurd; and you’ll get a new appreciation of the term “deus ex machina”.  Somehow it works out quite well.

    Which is what you’d expect from a gifted wit like Robert Rankin.

Kewlest New Word...

Shufty (n.) : a look; a peep; a peek  (a Britishism).

Others : Dosh (n.; a Britishism); Fractious (adj.); Calumny (n.); Picaresque (adj.); Scrofulous (adj.).

Excerpts...

    A lady in the straw hat sat down beside him.  “Are you lost?” she asked Jack.

    Jack clutched his package to his chest.  “Certainly not,” he told her.

    “Only I get lost sometimes.  I have who’ja vu.”

    “What’s that?”

    “It’s the opposite of déjà vu.  I can be in the middle of the supermarket and suddenly I get this feeling, I’ve never been here before.”
    “I have to go,” said Jack.  “I have a very important package to deliver.”

    “The doctor put me on a course of placebos,” said the lady in the straw hat.  “But I don’t take them.  I’m saving them all up for a mock suicide attempt.”  (pg. 65)

    “I come from a very musical family.  Even the dog hummed in the warm weather.”

    “How interesting,” said the Englishman.

    “Oh yes, very musical.  When I was only three I played on the linoleum.  We had a flood and my mother floated out on the table.  I accompanied her on the piano.  Talking of pianos, the cat sat down at ours once and played a tune, and my mum said, “We must get that orchestrated,” and the cat ran out and we never saw it again.  Now my father, my father died from music on the brain.  A piano fell on his head.”

    “Was that the same piano?” asked the Irishman.

    “Same one,” said Old Pete.  “I never played it myself.  I was going to learn the harp, but I didn’t have the pluck.”  (pg. 332)

“Crop circles are the stigmata of the Corn God.”  (pg. 249)

        There aren’t really any R-rated parts, but there are all sorts of double-entendres and ethnic jokes.  Those easily offended and/or prudish might have some uncomfortable moments.  If little Susie or Timmy reads this book, they might ask embarrassing questions.

    Also, if you’re looking for compelling storyline that will suck you into the tale, Robert Rankin probably isn’t for you.  His books are all about showcasing his delightful writing style, chuckling at running gags and zany happenings, learning all sorts of obscure trivia, admiring the author’s tastes in music, and wondering how in the world he’s going to wrap all the plot threads up.

    The Brentford Chainstore Massacre is my twelfth Robert Rankin book, and I have yet to be bored or disappointed by any of his works.

    9 Stars.  If you happen to be a Facebook member, you might consider following Robert Rankin.  Besides keeping you updated on the latest book he's working on, he also recounts all the bizarre events in his life.  And he seems to have a lot of them.