Jingo - Terry Pratchett

1997; 437 pages. Book #21 of the Discworld series; Book #4 of the City Watch sub-series. Genre : Comedic Fantasy. New Author?: Heavens, no. Overall Rating : 9*/10.

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Commander Sam Vimes, head of the City Watch, has his hands full. First there's the investigation of an attempted assassination, and the assassination of the attempted-assasin. Then there's the invasion of Klatch, the overseas neighbor of Ankh-Morpork. Sam's mighty fighting force? About a half-dozen volunteers from the City Watch. But coppers are the same thing as soldiers, right? And one Ankh-Morporkian is worth a thousand Klatchians, right?

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What's To Like...

All your City Watch favorites are here : Angua, Captain Carrot, Corporal Nobby, Sergeant Colon, and Detritus. For a change, the Patrician, Lord Vetinari, plays a major part in the story. It is always a treat to watch him in action. We're introduced to Leonard of Quirm, a combination of Buckminster Fuller and Leonardo Da Vinci, who creates mind-blowing inventions, but fails to come up with any practical uses for them.

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There's also a flying carpet, a bit of dimension-hopping, and an imp-powered dis-organizer that reminds Sam of his appointments in the most inopportune ways and moments.

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Once again, Pratchett explores a number of themes. The most salient is the senselessness of war. The book opens with a small island popping up in the sea, midway between Ankh-Morpork and Klatch. Neither country has any use for it, but they will fight to keep each other from occupying it.

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The themes of racism and jingoism (hence the title of the book) are also prominent. Klatch obviously represents the Arab/Muslim world, and everyone in Ankh-Morpork knows all Klatchians are stupid, cowardly, have bizarre customs, eat strange food, worship the wrong gods, and collectively need a thorough whupping. You don't need to actually meet a Klatchian to know all this, do you?

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Oh yeah, Pratchett also gives a wink and a nod to the themes of cross-dressing and guys getting in touch with their feminine side.

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Kewl New Words...

Dekko : a quick glance (British slang). Caltrop : an iron anti-personnel device with 4 spikes, which is placed on the ground in such a way that at least one spike is always pointing up (a good weapon to hinder enemy cavalry). Judder : to shake or vibrate rapidly and intensely. Equerry : an official charged with the care of the horses of royalty or nobility. Juggins : a fool; a dupe. Scryer : one who tells the future via crystal-ball gazing.

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Excerpts...

There was a crash somewhere ahead of them, and a scream. Coppers learned to be good at screams. There was to the connoisseur a world of difference between "I'm drunk and I've just trodden on my fingers and I can't get up!" and "Look out! He's got a knife!" (pg. 56)

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"This belonged to my great-grandad," he said. He was in the great scrap we had against Pseudopolis and my great-gran gave him a book of prayers for soldiers, 'cos you need all the prayers you can get, believe you me, and he stuck it in the top pocket of his jerkin, 'cos he couldn't afford armor, and the next day in battle - whoosh, this arrow came out of nowhere, wham, straight into this book and it went all the way through to the last page before stopping, look. You can see the hole."

"Pretty miraculous," Carrot agreed.

"Yeah it was, I s'pose," said the sergeant. He looked ruefully at the tattered volume. "Shame about the other seventeen arrows, really." (pg. 181)

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Sergeant Colon cleared his throat. "I know something about seaweed, sir."

"Yes, sergeant?"

"Yessir! If it's wet, sir, it means it's going to rain."

"Well done, sergeant," said Lord Vetinari, without turning his head. "I think it is quite possible that I will never forget you said that." (pg. 269)

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Veni, vermini, vomui. (I came, I ratted, I threw up)...(pg. 213)

As usual, Pratchett deftly interweaves the host of themes. As usual, he tells a fascinating story and ties up all the loose ends. As usual, there is laugh-out loud humor throughout the book. As usual, you come away feeling he's imparted a lesson or two to you, without feeling like you've been preached at.

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This doesn't seem to be one of the more famous books in the Discworld series. I don't know why not. Nine Stars.

Gentlemen Of The Road - Michael Chabon

2007; 206 pages (including "Afterword" and "A Note on the Khazars"). Genre : Historical Fiction; New Author?: Yes. Overall Rating : 9*/10.

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Set in 10th-century Khazaria (a real place - see Wikipedia's entry here), two mercenary con-men travel the local roads, doing whatever it takes to make ends meet. One is a giant African warrior with an axe named "Defiler of your Mother"; the other is a scarecrow-framed Frankish itinerant with fencing and healing skills and a passion for hats.

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They get more than they bargain for when they're talked into safeguarding a headstrong, sassy prince in his quest to avenge his slain family. Revolution and adventure spring up; when all they wanted was a few extra dirhams.

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What's To Like...

10th-century Khazaria - is that a kewl setting or what? Chabon's prose is beautiful; new vocabulary words abound; great humor percolates throughout the story; there's a map to help you make heads and tails of our heroes' wanderings; and above all, there are lots of buckles to be swashed.

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Chabon wrote this as a serialized tale (the New York Times ran it over the course of a couple of months). Gentlemen Of The Road is comprised of 15 chapters, all almost identical in length; and each a "story within a story". If you could convert a comic book action series into pure text, this is what it would look like. Well, not quite 100% text. Gary Gianni, who draws the Prince Valiant comic strip, provides an awesome picture for each chapter.

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Kewl New Words...

Chabon likes highbrow vocabulary, so there were a slew of them. Calumny : a false, slanderous accusation. Rheumy : wet, arthritic. Here, "rheumy jargon", so I guess it was used in a figurative sense. Senescence : old age. Ambit : the area in which someone or something operates or has control of. Contumelious : arrogantly insolent. Scabrous : rough, improper, scandalous, shocking. Melisma : a musical passage of several notes sung to a single syllable of text. Affiant : swearing to be true, as in giving an affidavit. Littoral : the shore area of a lake, sea, or ocean. Sukkah : a temporary structure with a roof of leafy boughs. Chiromancy : palm-reading. Dirham : a monetary unit used in the story. Wisent : a European bison. Caparisoned : clothed in finery.

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Excerpts...

For numberless years a myna had astounded travelers to the caravansary with its ability to spew indecencies in ten languages, and before the fight broke out everyone assumed the old blue-tongued devil on its perch by the fireplace was the one who maligned the giant African with such foulness and verve. (opening sentence)

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Though only a week earlier the idea would have struck him as heresy, as he lay waiting to become carrion he considered that plump and vivacious Sarah was perhaps unworthy of his suffering and death, when after all, she chewed with her mouth open and her wind, when she had been consuming too much milk, gave off an unsettling odor of brimstone. (pg. 45)

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Filaq wiped the blade on the flap of his tunic and then handed it back, haft first. "Thank you for saving my life," he said.

"I don't save lives," Zelikman said. "I just prolong their futility." (pg. 103)

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A few words about Michael Chabon...

He won the Pulitzer Prize in fiction in 2001 for "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay". He won the Hugo, Sidewise and Nebula awards in 2007 for "The Yiddish Policeman's Union". He writes in a variety of genres - drama, alt history, and here, comic book adventure. His books are usually about Jewish life - past or present. Wikipedia's article about him is here.

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"I need you to put me back together," she said. "I have a man to kill." (pg. 154)

There are story-tellers and there are novelists. I tend to read more by the former than by the latter. But once in a while, you run into an author that deftly combines the two, and that's always an unexpected pleasure. Gentlemen Of The Road is such a book. My only gripe is that this literary delight ended way too soon. Nine Stars.

Basket Case - Carl Hiaasen

2002; 411 pages. New Author?: No. Genre : Witty Crime. Overall Rating : 4½*/10.

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Jack Tagger has a dead-end job - both literally and figuratively. For mouthing off to the new owner of the small Florida newspaper where he works, he is banished to the no-future job of writing obituaries, in hopes that he'll quit.

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But when over-the-hill rocker Jimmy Stoma dies in a scuba accident in the Bahamas, it piques Jack's interest. Partly because Jack liked him when he was with Jimmy and the Slut Puppies; partly because something doesn't seem right about the accident; partly because if Jack can develop this into a front-page article, he can start to escape the obituary desk limbo.

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What's To Like...

Hiaasen apparently develops a new protagonist for every book; that's a plus. I found Tagger to be more likable than Twilly Spree in Sick Puppy (see its review here). It's nice to read a murder-mystery where the main guy isn't a burnt-out cop. The pacing is nice, it's written in a witty style, and it's an easy read.

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The secondary theme - the moribund state of the newspaper industry - is well-developed. There are only two types of newspaper journalists nowadays - those who are laid-off and depressed, and those who are still working and waiting for the axe to fall.

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If this was a story about journalism, it would be a decent read. Alas, it's a crime-mystery story, and in that regard, it sucks. There really isn't any mystery, and there are zero plot twists. Even when the opportunity for a plot twist arises, the story chooses to plod on in its humdrum, straightforward way. One example :

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Jack's first inkling that something is amiss comes when he learns that the Bahaman police chose not to do an autopsy. When he quizzes them about this, their reply is that they know a drowning accident when they see one. Oooo. This screams for a plot twist. But it never happens. And so it goes throughout the rest of the book.

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Kewl New Words...

Only one. Dyspeptic : displaying a morose disposition.

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Excerpts...

Newspapers customarily do not report a private death as a suicide, on the theory it might plant the idea in the minds of other depressed people, who would immediately rush out and do themselves in. These days no paper can afford to lose subscribers. (pg. 6)

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So far, Jizz is the only joint on Silver Beach with a red velvet rope and a sullen, T-shirted, steroid-addled doorman. The club's motif combines the exotic ambience of a Costa Rican brothel with the cozy, down-home charm of a methamphetamine lab. By the time I reach Carla's booth, I feel like I'm hacking up bronchial tissue. The first topic of discussion is my wardrobe. "Are those really Dockers?" Carla blurts, horror-struck. (pg. 197)

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I'll be there like a gator on a poodle... (pg. 305)

I'm still not smitten with Carl Hiaasen. Maybe I haven't read his best efforts. Sick Puppy and Basket Case are the 9th and 10th books in his (non-YA) stories, so perhaps the ones that made him a best-selling author came earlier. Still, it was mindlessly enjoyable to read (it would make a good Beach Novel), and as seen in the excerpts, Hiaasen is a master of wit. That should count for something against the disappointingly poor plot. 4½ stars.

Funeral Games - Mary Renault

1981; 328 pages. Book 3 in Renault's "Alexander the Great" trilogy. Genre : Historical Fiction. New Author?: Yes. Overall Rating : 8*/10.
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It's 323 B.C. Alexander The Great is near death, unable to speak, and has never named a successor to his throne. His two wives are pregnant, but they are both foreigners (one Bactrian; the other Persian), and even if they bear sons, the Macedonian army is loath to be led by a "half-breed". Alexander's half-brother is alive, but he has the mind of a six-year-old. His mother also lives, and is a powerful political force in Macedon. But still, she's a woman. Any of Alexander's generals could rule, but they all hate each other So let the Funeral Games begin!
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What's To Like...
The book covers the next 15 years or so (plus an epilogue), as the various parties jockey for leadership; not hesitating to kill any rivals if needed. None of the claimants are all good or all evil, and none can garner enough support and power to unite the army and rule the kingdom. Mary Renault adheres strictly to the historical facts. Basically, she fleshes out the characters and gives them voices.
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And what characters they are! Especially the three women - Olympias (ATG's mom), Roxane (one of his wives), and Eurydike (a young Macedonian noblewoman who marries the half-brother). They are strong, they are learned, they are politically savvy, they are legitimate contenders for the throne, and they are historically accurate. The male rivals treat them as equals and threats because, well, they are.
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There are a slew of characters to keep track of, and Funeral Games does start off kinda slow as Renault introduces them to you. But she lists the cast of characters at the beginning of the book (you will use this often), and once they've all made their entrance, the story picks up steam. The ending (again, historically accurate) is quite good, especially if you don't know the history.
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Kewl New Words...
There were oodles of them. Emollient : soothing. Maquette : a small model of an intended work. Marmoreal : marble-like. Wittol : a man who knows about and tolerates his wife's infidelity. Inchoate : only partly in existence; imperfectly formed. Himation : a rectangular woolen or linen cloak of ancient Greece. Sutler : an army camp follower who peddles supplies to them (especially food). Revenant : someone who returns after a lengthy absence. Trull : a harlot; a prostitute. Proscribed : denounced; condemned. Glaucous : having a waxy, whitish, frosted appearance. Effulgent : beaming; radiating light (here, an "effulgent cloud").
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Excerpts...
"Alas, alas! The light is fallen from the sky, the lion of men is fallen. When he lifted his sword, a thousand warriors trembled; when he opened his hand, it shed gold like the sands of the sea. When he rejoiced, it gladdened us like the sun. As the storm-wind rides the mountains, so he rode to war; like the tempest that fells great forest trees, he rode into the battle. His shield was a strong roof over his people. Darkness is his portion, his house is desolate. Alas! Alas! Alas!" (pg. 25-25)
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"All those great men. When Alexander was alive, they pulled together like one chariot-team. And when he died, they bolted like chariot-horses when the driver falls. And broke their backs like horses, too." (pg. 32)
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A few words about Mary Renault...
Born in 1908; died in 1983. Best known for her eight Greek-themed historical novels, published between 1956 and 1981. She was gay long before being gay was acceptable in England; and in 1948, she and her lifelong partner moved to South Africa, where homophobia was less prevalent. All of her Greek novels have at least a couple homosexual allusions, although here in Funeral Games, they are relatively minor. You can read Wikipedia's entry about Mary Renault here.
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"His sign is walking among the constellations, further than we can reckon in years. You will not see it setting in your day." (pg. 4 - a prophecy about Alexander's legacy).
Sadly, none of the aspirants to the throne succeeded in taking the place of Alexander The Great. Ptolemy fared best - retreating into Egypt, establishing a dynasty, and making it clear he has no desire to expand beyond there. The rest battled among themselves and eventually, they all fell. Alexander's army, invincible to any foe, destroyed itself from within.
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The weakening wars continued for 100 years or so. In the meantime, those upstart Romans unified their country and did away with their chief rival, Carthage. When they were ready to expand eastward, Greece and Macedonia (and later, Egypt, and the Greco-Persian realms) could no longer put up a good fight. How sadly self-inflicted.
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I give this Eight Stars, because the cause is near and dear to my heart, and it was quite a powerful tale by the end. Highly recommended to history fanatics, but others may find it a bit dry.

Little Green Men - Christopher Buckley

1999; 300 pages. New Author?: Yes. Genre : Satire; Modern Fiction. Overall Rating : 9*/10.
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John O. Banion is an acid-tongued, self-assured Sunday morning TV news host (think "Meet The Press") who has everything going for him - a trophy wife, fame and power, and fabulous ratings - even the President of the United States wants to appear on his show - until he is abducted by aliens. And probed. He dismisses this as temproary insanity. Until it happens a second time.
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This turns his world upside-down, but it doesn't matter, because he now has something he never had before - a cause. Little does he realize, his abductions (and probes) were really orchestrated by a disgruntled worker for a top-secret government organization called Majestic 12.
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What's To Like...
Little Green Men is well-written, moves at a nice pace, has a good ending, and will keep you chuckling, page after page. Buckley spoofs all sorts of things - the Washington DC "Power Crowd", UFO enthusiasts, talking-head newsmen, NASA, conspiracy nuts (hey! that's me!), and egotistical lawyers.
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His characters are both real (Sam Donaldson and Larry King) and made-up (Colonel Murfletit, Bitsey Banion, Dr. Falopian, etc.). There actually aren't any Little Green Men in the story, but there are creatures dubbed "Tall Nordics" and "Short Greys". The political satire is balanced - the president is a savvy sap (is that an oxymoron?), but you can't tell whether he's a Democrat or a Republican.
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Kewl New Words...
There were a slew of 'em. Avuncular : kindly; benevolent; like a favorite uncle. Parsimony : excessive frugality; extreme cheapness. Irredentist : advocating reclaiming territory that is culturally or historically related to one's nation. Cabochon : a convex style of cutting gemstones. Benison : a blessing. Importunate : troublesomely urgent. Descant : a discourse on some given theme. Mephitic : foul-smelling. Recondite : deep; not easily understood. Chthonic : dwelling in the Underworld. Gravid : heavy; pregnant (either literal of figurative). Minatory : threatening; menacing. Ontological : relating to one's essence or core being. Apothegm : a short, pithy saying.
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Excerpts...
They decided that as long as they were at it, MJ-12 could serve another, even higher purpose: keeping the U.S. citizenry alarmed about the possibility of invasion from outer space, and therefore happy to fund expansion of the military-aerospace program. A country convinced that little green men were hovering over the rooftops was inclined to vote yea for big weapons and space programs. (pg. 31)
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Banion sighed. These symphony things of Bitsey's were torture. He had no ear for music. He was perfectly content to insert a "Mozart's Greatest Hits" onto the CD player and press Repeat. To make matters worse, this new conductor was a fiend for atonality, that is, music that defied humming. Banion wondered which was worse - being sodomized by aliens, or having to sit through two hours of Charles Ives. (pg. 84. If you've ever listened to Charles Ives, you'll be able to relate)
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A few words about Christopher Buckley...
He is the son of the Conservative legend, William F. Buckley. I was worried that this would give LGM a wing-nut spin, but it didn't. He used to write for the conservative magazine, National Review, which was founded by his father. In 2008, he did the unpardonable - he endorsed Barack Obama for president. The National Review and CB parted ways shortly thereafter.
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It made the people happy to feel that the gods wanted to sleep with them, or at least have a grope. (pg. 32)
I thoroughly enjoyed Little Green Men. I suppose if you aren't into Washington politics and/or UFO encounters, it could get a bit boring. In reading other reviews, it seems that those who gave LGM low marks usually did so because they felt some of Buckley's other novels were better - in particular, one called Thank You For Smoking. If so, I'm looking forward to reading more books by him. Nine stars.

What Is The What - Dave Eggers

2006; 535 pages. Awards : 2009 Prix Medicis Etranger. Full Title : What is the What - the Autobiography of Valentino Achak Deng. New Author for me?: No. See here. Genre : Fictional Autobiography; Modern Literature. Overall Rating : 6½*/10.
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As a small boy, Achak Deng's life changes forever when the Arab murahabeen ravage his Dinka village in southern Sudan - raping, killing, looting, burning, and kidnapping. What Is The What tells his story of fleeing with thousands of other boys - the "Lost Boys of Sudan" - to refugee camps in Ethiopia and Kenya, and finally after 14 years in these camps, his coming to America and his sturggles to adapt to a new culture.
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The horrors and tragedy Achak endures along the way are staggering. Death looms in many forms - Arab militiamen; Sudanese army helicopters and planes; Ethiopian bandits; hungry lions and crocodiles; malaria, dysentery and other diseases; starvation and exposure to the elements in the desert; and in an ironic fimale, from an assault & robbery at his Atlanta apartment. Through it all, a boy's hope shines through, if only because the alternative is to give up, lay down, and die.
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What's To Like...
Eggers emphasizes that this is a work of fiction, and that it's also a collaborative telling of Achak's life story. I suspect it is actually taken from the combined experiences of a lot more Lost Boys than just Achak, but Eggers' writing skills create a seamless narrative. Paradoxically, the book flip-flops between the present-day assault and Achak mentally recounting his African experiences to his assailants. But this literary style works.
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Eggers tells the story from the inside of Achak's head. You get to see the thoughts of a small boy as he struggles with incomprehensible hardship. Eggers/Deng present an even-handed view of the Lost Boys - they are neither saints nor savages. They overcome incredible ordeals, but they also learn how to milk the Humanitarian Aid workers, they succumb to various vices (especially gambling) when they make it to the US, they fight among themselves, and they sometimes turn on the samaritans who try to help them.
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Kewl New Words...
Not many. Subsumed : to be included in something bigger. Monyjang : what the Dinka call themselves. Literally, "man" or "man of all men".
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Excerpts...
God said, "You can either have these cattle, as my gift to you, or you can have the What." My father waited for the necessary response.
"But..." Saliq said, helping out. "What is the What?" he said, with an air of theatrical inquisitiveness. ...
"And God said to the man, 'I cannot tell you . Still, you have to choose. You have to choose between the cattle and the What.'" (pg. 62)
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"Look at it this way," he said. "There are dorms here. There are young girls, some of them only seventeen years old. You know what I mean?"
I did not know what he meant.
"Your application says you're twenty-seven years old," he said.
"Yes?"
"Well, picture some white suburban family. They're spending forty thousand dollars to send their young blond daughter to college, she's never been away from home, and the first day on campus they see a guy like you roaming the dorms?"
In his opinion, he had explained everything he needed to. (pg. 473)
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By many we have been written off as a failed experiment. We were the model Africans. For so long, this was our designation. We were applauded for our industriousness and good manners and, best of all, our devotion to our faith. The churches adored us, and the leaders they bankrolled and controlled coveted us. But now the enthusiasm has dampened. We have exhausted many of our hosts. We are young men, and young men are prone to vice. (pg. 475-76)
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Whatever I do, however, I find a way to live... (pg. 535)
If you are unfamiliar with the plight of the southern Sudanese, What Is The What will open your eyes and tug at your conscience. But for all of its merits, this book at times dragged for me. Probably because this is not a genre I particuarly enjoy.
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It is a heart-wrenching tale, and you may come away feeling guilty about your relative affluence and life-of-ease compared to Achak's. But I don't have a well-developed sense of guilt, and I usually read to be entertained, educated, or (less often) inspired, not to have my heart torn out. Maybe I've seen one too many commercials where Sally Struthers implies I'm pathetic if I don't pick up the phone right now and sponsor an African child.
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Nevertheless, What Is The What generally gets rave reviews, so I'm in the minority on this one. If you like books like The Kite Runner, you'll probably love WITW. 6½ stars from me, but YMMV.

Sleepy Head - Mark Billingham

2001; 403 pages. This is the author's debut novel. New author for me?: yes. Genre : Murder-mystery. Overall Rating : 7*/10.

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Three women are dead by the hands of a serial killer. But Detective Inspector Tom Thorne finally catches a break - the fourth and latest victim, Alison Willetts, is still alive, albeit in a vegetative state at the hospital. Then the killer sends Thorne a chilling message - the first three victims were mistakes, and he only got his technique right with Alison. And no, he doesn't intend to make her his one and only masterpiece.

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What's To Like...

"Vegetative state" isn't quite correct; it's actually something called locked-in syndrome. You can read Wiki's article on it here. Basically, all the voluntary muscles of the body are paralyzed, except the eyes. Your brain is functioning perfectly, and you can see. But there's nothing you can do about your condition. Some of the story is told from inside Alison's head, which is a new angle.

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Physically, Thorne is not your stereotypical detective hero. He's short (5'5" or so), with a low center-of-gravity, and quite um... broad around the mid-section. His fellow detectives call him "Weeble" behind his back, because he'd wobble if you pushed him.

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Yet for the most part, Sleepy Head is your standard serial killer tale. The UE is a psychopath who thinks he's brilliant (and is for most of the book), who taunts police, and who eventually comes after our hero (don't they ever learn?). Outside of his physical build, Thorne is pretty stereotypical too. He's divorced, burnt out, drinks too much, and fights with his superiors. And some of Thorne's moves - interacting with, then tailing and harassing the prime suspect - just don't ring true of a veteran cop.

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Excerpts...

Frank Keable was only a year or two older than Thorne, but looked fifty. This was more due to some genetic glitch than any kind of stress. The lads reckoned he must have started receding at about the same time he hit puberty. Whatever hormones he had left that stimulated hair growth had somehow mistakenly rerouted to his eyebrows, which hovered above his bright blue eyes like great gray caterpillars. The eyebrows were highly expressive and gave him an air of wisdom that was, to put it kindly, fortunate. Nobody begrudged him this bit of luck - it was the least you could hope for when you looked like an overfed owl with alopecia. (pg 30-31. is that a kewl description or what?!)

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He carried his newspaper to the counter and fished around for change. A woman stood next to him. A puzzle magazine, a lottery ticket and a fistful of chocolate. She smiled at him and he remembered how important his work still was. Yes, killing her would be simple and she would be far better off, no question. But nothing worth having was ever achieved easily. (pg. 265)

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Kewl New Words...

Billingham is British, which always means new words. Quiff : a tuft of hair; a forelock. Alopecia : the loss of hair. Sussed : figured out. Frisson : a shiver; a shudder. Poncy Tea : a cup of cha served at a greasy spoon (I think). Chicken vindaloo : a spicy-hot dish that includes chilis, ginger, curry, mustard, and a bunch of other spices. Wittering : babbling on at undue length. Poxy : insignificant, small and bad. (Here : 'one poxy fag')

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Wake up, Sleepyhead...

The technical flaws notwithstanding, this was a fun read. The pacing was good, there were some twists towards the end, and Thorne sometimes guesses wrong. Sleepy Head is a very good first effort, and if Billingham's writing skills get better with time, this will be a fun series to read. That is, if you can find his books. He doesn't seem to have crossed the pond much yet. Seven stars.

Tales of Ordinary Madness - Charles Bukowski

1983; 238 pages. Genre : Modern Literature; Short Stories. Overall Rating : 4½*/10.

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Tales of Ordinary Madness consists of 34 short stories and essays penned by Bukowski in the 1967-72 period, mostly for various underground and adult magazines. A majority of the entries are told in the first person, starring either Bukowski himself, or one of his alter egos - Henry Chinaski and Dan Skorski.

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What's To Like...
Short stories are a nice middle-ground for Bukowski. He can develop a theme more fully than in a poem, and he's not locked into the semi-autobiographical confines of his five novels. A lot of these stories are still told as if they come from Bukowski's life, but I suspect they are more wishful thinking than fact. The style is in-your-face, with lots of cusswords and "adult themes". Remember, he was writing these to amuse and titillate magazine readers.

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The themes can get repetitive, especially in the first half of the book. Sex, booze, smokes, playing the horses, booze, sex, more booze, despising people who come to hear him read his poetry, booze, sex, smokes, hitting on some host's wife, hangovers, smokes, sex, booze, etc.

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Bukowski is at his best when he's writing commentary (see "Notes on the Pest") and non- pseudo-auto-biographical stories (see "A .45 to Pay the Rent"). Also, the fantasy story "Animal Crackers in my Soup" is superb.

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Alas, there's a lot of paste among the gems. Bukowski had great insight and humor, and was a gifted writer when he wanted to be. But it seems too often he was writing drivel - either because of the booze or just to see if the public could tell the difference.

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Kewl New Words...

Voluting : Coiling (here, a woman's derriere as she's walking by). Involute : Complex, intricate; involved. Luxated : Dislocated (here, a luxated neck). Letch (verb) : To grasp on to something. Oh yeah, Factotum showed up again. Cue "Twilight Zone" theme music.

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Excerpts...

"Look, can I use your phone?" Mad Jimmy asked.

"Local?"

"Yes, it's local."

"Make sure it's local. I almost killed four guys the other night. Chased them all through town in my car. Finally, they pulled over. I parked behind them, cut the engine. I didn't realize they still had theirs running. When I got out, they pulled off. Very disappointing. By the time I got rolling, they were out of sight."

"They made a long distance call on your phone?"

"No, I didn't know them. It was another matter." (pg. 20)

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"either you work the overtime as the others do or you're out of a job, Skorski."

"then I'm out of a job, Blackstone."

"I've got a good mind not to pay you."

"State Labor Board."

"we'll mail you your check." (pg. 90)

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unlike you, the pest has hours of time to shoot through the head. and all his ideas are contrary to yours but he never knows this because he is continually talking and even when you get a chance to disagree, the pest does not hear. he really never hears your voice. it is just a vague area of break to him, then he continues his dialogue, and while the pest continues on you wonder how he ever got his dirty little snout into your soul... (pg. 194. I work with one of these).

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did you ever consider that lsd and color tv arrived for our consumption about the same time? (pg. 200).

If you're new to reading Bukowski, you may find TOOM shockingly refreshing. If you're a Bukoholic, you will not be disappointed. But if you're somewhere in between, the reading can be a tedious chore, especially in the first half.

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The stories in the second half show more variety and are more entertaining. Which is a pity, because a lot of readers will have probably bailed by then. I give Tales of Ordinary Madness 4½ stars, because there is some good stuff here. But it's a bit too little and a bit too late.

Night Watch - Terry Pratchett

2002; 408 pages. Book 29 in the Discworld series. Awards : #73 in the Big Read; Prometheus Award winner - 2003; nominee for Locus Award - 2003. Genre : Fantasy; Humor. Overall Rating : 9*/10.

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Just as (Captain of the Night Watch) Sam Vimes is about to nab a psychopathic killer, both of them are transported 30 years back in time. It is a different Ankh-Morpork that they find themselves in. The Night Watch bumbles; policemen ponce, the Patrician oppresses, rebellion seethes, and plotters plot. It's a bad place for a good cop, but a killer can make a killing here.

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What's To Like...

There is time-travel, albeit without much control. There are zen-like History Monks trying to put everything back in order. And there are 30-years-younger versions of a number of Ankh-Morpork's finest citizens - Nobby Nobbs, Fred Colon, Havelock Vetinari, Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler, and naturally, a pair of Sam Vimes - the naive rookie and the grizzled veteran.

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The plot itself takes center stage in Night Watch, which is unusual for a Discworld book. Normally the themes (such as Basketball, Diplomacy, Football Hooligans, etc.) or the zaniness (such as the crazy antics of Rincewind or the Witches) are in the spotlight, with just enough of a plot to hold things together. Not so here.

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There's not much to quibble about. If you've never read a Discworld book, this is probably not a good one to start with. That's about it.

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Kewl New Words...

Prima Gravida : a woman pregnant for the first time. Shonky : cheap, shoddy, and with a social stigma. Used here, "a shonky shop". Pastille : a lozenge, a cough drop. Ponce : to take with permission, but in an "extortion" sense. Gormless : stupid, dull (British slang). Skiver : a slacker, a loafer, a do-nothing (British slang).

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Excerpts...

"Slidey Harris was unlucky at cards last night, that's all. Played the ace of hearts."

'That's an unlucky card?"

"It is if Big Tony knows he didn't deal it to you. But I'll soon have it removed." (pg.138)

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"I have no idea of how things are going to turn out! I mean, doesn't it change history even if you just tread on an ant?"

"For the ant, certainly," said Qu. (pg. 240)

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Maybe the monks were right. Changing history is like damming a river. It'll find its way around. (pg. 306)

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Ave! Bossa nova, similis bossa seneca!

(Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss) (pg. 360)

Night Watch is darker and more serious than most Discworld books. There aren't as many ha-ha's, and there's no discernible theme. It's almost as if Pratchett wanted to demonstrate that he could write literature, if he so desired.

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Being out of his element, this really shouldn't have worked. But it does. Nine stars.

The Fire - Katherine Neville

2008; 441 pages. Sequel to "The Eight", which is reviewed here. Genre : Cospiracy Fiction. Overall Rating : 3*/10.

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21-year-old Alexandra "Xie" Solarin returns to her mother's Colorado lodge for a birthday celebration, only to find that her mom, "Cat" Velis, has flown the coop, but has left some intriguing puzzles as clues. The next round of "The Game" has begun, and like it or not, Alexandra finds that she is an integral part of it.

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What's To Like...

The Fire has the same structure as The Eight. There are two interwoven storylines; one set in the present (2003, actually); the other set in 1822, in various countries around the Mediterranean Sea.

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Once again, there are some cool settings - Italy, the Rocky Mountains, Morocco, the Alaska-Russia border, and Albania. When's the last time you read a book set in Albania? There are lots of historical references, some kewl French phrases (always a plus for me), and even a romance or two. As in The Eight, Neville does a lot of name-dropping (Percy Bysshe Shelley, Lord Byron, Thomas Jefferson, Tallyrand, Alexander Dumas, to name a few), but I like that.

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Alas, it's what's missing that pulls down the score. First and foremost - a lack of action. We spend 430 pages fleeing from danger with Xie. But said danger doesn't make an appearance until there's only 10 pages to go. And the relatively wimpy threat devolves into an unsatisfying ending.

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The1822 storyline suffers similarly. Early on, our heroine is in a castle, and the Ottoman Turk enemies are literally breaking down the doors to the room. Haidee, accompanied by a lone warder, has to flee the castle, make her way through the beseiging Turkish army lines, board a waiting ship and flee to Italy. But once at sea, pirates attack the ship, and all aboard are taken as slaves to Morocco. The warder escapes, but Haidee is put in the Sultan's harem, Until he dies, when she is auctioned off as a slave.

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Well, that certainly sounds like action, doesn't it? Unfortunately, it's all in the background. At the end of one chapter, Haidee is told to flee the castle. At the start of the next, she's in the harem preparing to be demoted. How boring.

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There are lots of twists, but they never seem to go anywhere. And although the chess motif is again present, it becomes evident Ms. Neville doesn't play. "I picked up the kinght and put it on d4. I was still looking at the board some moments later when I realized that Vartan hadn't yet made his opening move." (pg. 397). Um, yeah. Just one problem. It isn't possible to play Nd4 as White's first move. Sloppy, sloppy.
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Kewl New Words...

Analemma : the figure-eight path that you'd see if you took photos of the sun from the exact same place at the exact same time over the course of a year. Penury : a state of poverty. Pourboire : A small amount of money given for services rendered. Hermeneutics : the study of the theory of interpretation (usually "scriptural"). Oh yeah, Factotum appeared again. I'm being stalked by that word.

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Excerpts...

Eremon always called Rodo "E.B." for "Eredolf Boujaron", a Basque "in" joke that he'd shared with Leda and me on one of our very late ciderfest nights. Apparently there are no names or words in Basque that begin with R : hence Eremon's name - Ramon in Spanish, Raymond in French. And Rodolfo seemed almost Italian. This linguistic flaw would seem to make Rodo something of a Basque Basqtard. (pg. 168)

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The attendant shook his head and pointed upstream, toward Washington, D.C. The man with the shades reached in his jacket and pulled out a phone.

I had that sinking feeling. We were out here in the middle of the river on an open boat, like a crate of eggplants awaiting delivery. (pg. 311)

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I am ashes where once I was fire,

And the bard in my bosom is dead,

What I loved I now merely admire -

And my heart is as gray as my head. (Lord Byron, and pg. 321).

In the end, the negatives outweigh the positives. This is not a stand-alone book. You have to read The Eight first, and alas, The Fire pales in comparison to that.

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I can only give it three stars. OTOH, the co-worker who originally turned me on to The Eight, also read The Fire, and felt that they both were equally good. So maybe its just me.

The Brightonomicon - Robert Rankin

2005; 404 pages. The eighth book in the "Brentford Trilogy" series. Yeah, I know; that's an oxymoron. Awards : Nominated for the British Fantasy Society's "Best Novel" in 2006. Genre : Humor, Fantasy. Overall Rating : 9*/10.

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Young Rizla, who is suffering from amnesia after being tossed off a pier and drowning, signs on with his deliverer, one Hugo Rune; a.k.a. the Logos of the Aeon, The Guru's Guru, The Mumbo Gumshoe, The Hocus Bloke, and (perhaps most notably) The Reinventor of the Ocarina.

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Their quest - to locate and retrieve the Chronovision, a device that resembles a television set, with which it is possible, when tuned to someone's personal frequency, to witness any events that happened in the past through the eyes of that person.

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To do this, they need to solve 12 cases in and around Brighton, among which are retrieving a lost spaniel, thwarting the nefarious plans of alien space crabs, and finding the last descendant of Jesus Christ at a Heavy Metal concert.

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What's To Like...

Rizla plays Dr. Watson to Rune's Sherlock Holmes, spoofing that duo's case-solving talents. There are cool side characters to meet, such as Count Otto Black (the UE), and Fangio, who inexplicably is the bartender at every pub and restaurant our heroes stop at. Indeed, Fangio is just one of many "running gags" that Rankin uses throughout his books. You can see a more complete list of these at Wikipedia's article on Rankin here, where you can also see the titles of the rest of his books, which are cleverly hilarious.

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There are cool literary tips-of-the-hat, such as a minor character named Kilgore Sprout (hello, Kurt Vonnegut). And of course, the title itself references H.P. Lovecraft's Necronomicon.

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But what makes this book so good is the dialogue and the countless anecdotal asides, which will have you reading the book slowly so you don't miss any of the subtleties.

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You should know the book is written in "English", not "American", and that there are a lot of British references that may leave you stymied. I had a hard time figuring out what a Blue Peter presenter is, who Kathleen Maltwood was (and how she figures into this story), and where to find a Fortnum's Hamper.

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Kewl New Words...

Some of these are Britishisms. Hob : A kitchen shelf on which to keep kettles, etc. Raddling : Unkempt or rundown in appearance. Bonce : Slang for one's head. Insalubrious : Unhealthful; unwholesome. Toff : Slang for a member of the Upper Class; a fop. Charabanc : a sight-seeing bus. Amanuensis : An assistant who takes dictation. Remonstrate : To argue in protest or opposition. Salubrious : Opposite of insalubrious (see above).

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Excerpts...

"That's what we fought for," said Fangio. "That and the silk stockings, of course. Not to mention the powdered egg."

"The powdered egg?" I queried.

"I told you not to mention that. Kindly get out of my bar." (pg. 45)

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I did not have to travel far to find the rooms of Professor Nestor. He occupied those that were above the rooms that Mr. Rune and I occupied, which were below his, which were, in turn, above ours. (pg. 126)

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The lounge was long and low and lost in a dream that was forever yesterday. The chrome shone like oil beads on a Chevy's tail fin and the guy who stood behind the counter copped me a glance like he was whistling 'Dixie' through the wrong end of a clarinet. I crossed the bar with more aplomb than a pagan pedal-pusher at a podophiliac's picnic and acquainted myself with my favourite barstool. (pg 151).

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The worm of time turns not for the cuckoo of circumstance. (pg. 93).

Despite being part of a series, this is a stand-alone book. Robert Rankin is a great new author to get acquainted with, but it's hard to find his books. He's well-liked in Great Britain, but somehow hasn't "jumped the pond" just yet. I give The Brightonomicon nine stars, only because the cases themselves got a bit repetitive after a while. The other book of his that I've found is The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse. How can you go wrong with a title like that?

It All Started With Columbus - Richard Armour

1953 (but also 1961, and 1971); 129 pages. Full Title (1971 Version) : It All Started With Columbus - A Merry Mangling of American History from Columbus to Nixon. Genre : Humor. 1971 New Price : $1.95. 2009 Used Price : $2.00. Overall Rating : 7*/10.

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This is Richard Armour's whimsical, tongue-in-cheek recounting of American History. 130 pages of wordplay, puns, and details (both real and contrived) covering 5 centuries of New World happenings.

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What's To Like...

It's good, old-fashioned, 50's, clean humor. If there was something "purer" than a "G Rating", this would get it. That's quite a feat when you consider that Armour has to deal with topics like slavery, Communism, Hitler, and Custer's Last Stand.

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Despite the book's brevity, every US President gets at least a short mention here. As does every war. Armour shows no partiality - you can't tell if he was a Republican or Democrat in real life.

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The footnotes are funny (maybe this is where Pratchett got his inspiration for the footnotes in the Discworld series), and there are five zany-funny "tests" scattered throughout the book. If only my college history exams had been this easy and entertaining.

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This is not a historical reference. Armour invents "facts" to set up his puns. The sense of humor is witty, but unvarying (think Red Skelton monologues, if you're old enough to remember his TV show), so adults may find it a bit tedious after a while. Except for a couple "bundled" offerings at Amazon, all of Armour's books seem to be out-of-print. I found this one at a used-book store. The next-best bet for these is your local library.

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Excerpts...

William Penn, on the other hand, came to America to collect some land the King owed his father. He belonged to a frightened religious sect known as the Quakers. So that he would not be forgotten, he gave his name to the Pennsylvania Railroad, the Pennsylvania Station, and the state prison, which is known as the Penn. (pg. 11)

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John Quincy Adams was the second Adams to become president. He is not to be confused with his father, John Adams, who was the first Adams but the second president, or with his Uncle Sam Adams (who was not the real Uncle Sam, except to his nieces and nephews). It was fortunate for us, if not for the second John Adams, that he had the Quincy, which the first John did not. (pg. 49)

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About the only good thing for which Harding is remembered is the Disarmament Conference. This was a meeting held in Washington at which each nation sought to disarm all the others. There was great enthusiasm, and the delegates all went home with souvenirs which they melted down and made into cannons. (pg. 103)

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What this country needs is a good street sweeper. (closing sentence)

This was a nostalgic read for me. There are six "It All Started With" Armour books, and the local library where I grew up had most of them. When I was 10-13, I was into this kind of humor, and would borrow these time after time and wear them out in memorizing the puns. So to some degree, I have Richard Armour to thank for my love of reading and libraries.

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There are some people who believe that nowadays we don't find a joke funny unless there is sex, cussing, booze/drugs, and/or racial stereotyping in it. Maybe so, but 50 years ago that wasn't true, and IASWC is proof of it.

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Although I still enjoyed IASWC this time around, I didn't find myself laughing out loud at any point. Perhaps my tastes in humor have changed. Or perhaps I've read this book once too often. We'll give it seven stars, and recommend it to any adult who still enjoys clean puns and wordplay; and especially to anyone who has kids aged 8-12 who like history and joke books.

End of the Beginning - Harry Turtledove

2005; 519 pages. Genre : Alternate History. Overall Rating : 5½*/10.

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This is the sequel to Days of Infamy (reviewed here), in which the Japanese followed up their surprise bombing of Pearl Harbor with a successful land invasion of Hawaii. End Of The Beginning begins in early 1943, with the Americans building up a massive force to try and retake Hawaii, and the Japanese working feverishly to construct impregnable defenses.

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What's To Like...

Turtledove uses his usual style here - telling the story via POV's of about a dozen individuals. There are a couple American soldiers, of course; but we also get to follow two POW's, a number of Japanese soldiers and brass, and representatives of the various ethnic groups that were on the islands at the time - Japanese, Whites, and native Hawaiians. Our surfer dude is back, as is the (Hawaiian) Japanese dad dealing with his two high school kids who think of themselves as Americans. And for you romantics, there's a love story between one of those sons and a teenage white girl.

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Turtledove has a nice feel for Japanese expansionism and Hawaiian nationalism. He also acquaints you with the horrors of living under WW2 Japanese occupation. If you're not familiar with things like the Bataan Death March, enforced conscription into "Comfort Houses", working POW's literally to death, and a flagrant disregard for the Geneva Convention (which, to be fair, Japan had never signed); this book will open your eyes.

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There are some weaknesses. Like the book/movie, The Longest Day, it takes forever for the action to get going. If you're going to read EOTB for the war strategy and killing, just skip the first 240 pages or so. The good news is, once the shooting starts, Turtledove is in his element, and the second half of the book scoots along just fine. And as is true in all wars, some of the good guys die; some of the bad guys survive.

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There is the author's usual penchant for repeating himself. You will be told umpteen times that mortar fire is scary because it can land right on top of you before you hear it; that a pilot should always obey the flagman when landing; that maltreated POW's keep getting skinnier and skinnier; and that American soldiers aren't as soft as the Japanese soldiers believed. Veteran Turtledove readers learn to accept this. You also have to accept cusswords, racial epithets, and graphic sex scenes.

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Kewl New Words...

None. Although Factotum showed up again. That word is stalking me.

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Excerpt...

Commander Minoru Genda walked past the front entrance to Iolani Palace. Fairy terns, almost whiter than white, floated through the blue, blue Hawaiian sky. The flag of the newly restored Kingdom of Hawaii fluttered on five flagpoles above the late-Victorian palace. Seeing that flag made Genda smile. The Hawaiians had gone out of their way to accommodate both Britain and the United States, with the Union Jack in the canton and red, white, and blue horizontal stripes filling the rest of the field.

Much good it did them, the Japanese officer thought. (opening paragraphs)

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Shigata ga nai... (see pg. 137)

EOTB is an easy read and kept my interest better than I'd feared. Turtledove gives you a well-reasoned answer to "what if the Japanese had conquered Hawaii in December 1941?" And maybe that's the drawback of the book - you can pretty much predict the USA's response and the ultimate outcome. Turtledove is also accurate about the brutality of the occupation. But if you've ever read about what the Philippines went through in WW2 under the Japanese heel, you can anticipate what happens here.

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This is not a stand-alone book, and I'm not sure who the target audience is. It's too crude for kids; and adult readers might be looking for a bit more depth. We'll give it 5½ stars, because Turtledove can spin a good, well-researched story and has a knack for asking cool, Alt-History "what if" questions. Just keep in mind that it's fiction, not literature.

Anansi Boys - Neil Gaiman

2005; 387 pages. Awards : Locus Award, British Fantasy Society Award, Mythopoeic Award (all 2006). A NY Times #1 Best Seller (2005). Gaiman declined to have it nominated for a Hugo Award (which seems a bit strange). Genre : Contemporary Fantasy. Overall Rating : 9½*/10.

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Fat Charlie is in London, unenthusiastically planning his wedding, when word comes that his estranged father has died while on a karaoke stage in Florida. He reluctantly travels across the pond to pay his respects, and learns two surprising facts. First, his father was a god (Anansi). Second, he has a brother (Spider). The brothers meet, and Gaimanesque insanity ensues.

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What's To Like...

This is a wonderfully-written book; full of humor, wit, murder and mayhem, love, and unexpected twists and turns. We won't give any details here, as spoilers would ruin the reading experience.

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The brothers constitute a complete Odd Couple. Fat Charlie is the epitome of boring normalcy, but you can't help but like him. Spider lives for the moment, is all about excitement and not having ties to anything, and seems to have inherited all of his father's magical abilities. You can't help but warm to him as well.

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All the characters (and gods) are interesting, and even the baddies have a certain charm. The story wraps up neatly, and you're left wanting more.

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Kewl New Words...

Lubricious : Having a smooth and slippery quality (I guess I should've deduced that one). Nictitating : Blinking the eyes. Koan : A puzzling, paradoxical statement or story. Snog : to touch with the lips against someone's mouth, cheek, etc. as an expression of love or greeting. Saveloy : A ready-cooked and highly-seasoned sausage.

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Excerpts...

It begins, as most things begin, with a song.

In the beginning, after all, were the words, and they came with a tune. That was how the world was made, how the void was divided, how the lands and the stars and the dreams and the little gods and the animals, how all of them came into the world. (opening paragraphs, pg. 1)

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Until now Spider had regarded women as more or less interchangeable. You didn't give them a real name, or an address that would work for longer than a week, of course, or anything more than a disposable cell-phone number. Women were fun, and decorative, and terrific accessories, but there would always be more of them, like bowls of goulash coming along a conveyor belt, when you were done with one, you simply picked up the next, and spooned in your sour cream. (pg. 186)

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Absatively!!

Anansi Boys is a spin-off of American Gods, but is not as dark and not as epical. The fate of the world doesn't hang in the balance; just the family sanity. Yet that doesn't mean it's a lesser work. Essentially, it plays "The Hobbit" to AG's "Lord of the Rings". I really can't think of any negatives to point out. So we'll give it 9½ Stars, and recommend it highly to all Gaimaniacs.

Nine Dragons - Michael Connelly

2009; 374 pages. A NY Times Bestseller (but what isn't?). Genre : Crime Fiction. Overall Rating : 7*/10.

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In a tough L.A. neighborhood, an elderly Chinese shop owner is brutally gunned down. Detective Harry Bosch investigates, and as he pieces the case together, he's introduced to Chinese gangs known as The Triads. Alas, someone is leaking information to the baddies and he gets a phone call telling him to back off. Then his daughter is kidnapped in Hong Kong, and a video of her, bound and gagged, is sent to Harry as a message.

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Now Harry has a very limited amount of time to rescue his daughter half a world away, then get back before his suspect flees L.A. to the safety of mainland China.

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What's To Like...

It's an action-packed story with no slow spots. Besides working on the double-pronged case, Harry has to deal with a partner that no longer has any taste for the job and a colleague from the Asian Gang Unit who can't be trusted. Harry repeatedly has bouts of foot-in-mouth disease, and some of his theories turn out to be logical, sensible, and wrong.

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There are enough plot twists to keep you on your toes, and the ending wraps up nicely, without any loose ends. There are Chinese characters in the story (always a plus for me), and a lawyer who isn't your stereotypical scumbag.

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OCONS? I got your Ocons right here...

The main problem with Nine Dragons is that there are too many OCONs, which I just made up, and which stands for "Oh, come on now!". Here are three of them.

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a.) The shopkeeper takes three bullets at close range in the chest. He's bleeding out and has 30 seconds to live. Yet he has the presence of mind to grab a key piece of evidence and swallow it. Wow. That's not how I'd be using the last half-minute of my life. b.) In the kidnap video of Harry's daughter, she tries to kick the cameraman. She misses, but the camera jerks away for a second. And just happens to briefly record the view outside the hotel window. Which has not one, not two, but three identifying objects to help in locating the hotel. Talk about a lucky break. c.) Then there's the timing of the Hong Kong rescue mission. Harry has 24 hours after he lands there to locate his daughter, kill the baddies, rescue her, and get back on a plane to L.A. to stop the suspect from fleeing. And he succeeds. Sheesh. If only the perpetrator had been bin Laden.

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There are several other Ocons, which we'll skip so as to not give any spoilers. Suffice it to say, this is not a Police Procedural tale. Harry waltzes into Hong Kong, refuses to even contact the local police, sashays out with his daughter in tow while leaving nine corpses in his wake, and Hong Kong law enforcement is clueless the whole time. Yeah, like that would happen.

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Kewl New Words...

Funicular : describing a tram (or other conveyance) that goes up the side of a mountain, pulled by a cable. Gimballed : describing how a ship's compass is suspended so that it's unaffected by the movement of the boat. The technical aspect of a gimbal is interesting, but not worth detailing here.

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Excerpt...

"Kowloon," Starkey said. "Sounds sort of ominous."

"My daughter told me it means 'Nine Dragons.'"

"See, I told you. Who would name their neighborhood Nine Dragons unless they wanted to scare people away?"

"It comes from a legend. During one of the old dynasties the emperor was supposedly just a boy who got chased by the Mongols into the area that is now Hong kong. He saw the eight mountain peaks that surrounded it and wanted to call the place Eight Dragons. But one of the men who guarded him reminded him that the emperor was a dragon too. So they called it Nine Dragons. Kowloon." (pg. 143)

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Fu, Cai. Ai, Xi.

("Luck, Money, Love, Family", and tattooed on the shopkeeper's ankles)...

There's no denying that the Ocons present some believability issues. I don't think this will go down as one of the better Harry Bosch books. But Connelly has always been a master storyteller, and that's still true here. Nine Dragons is fiction, not literature; and works just fine as long as you don't stop to analyze the details. We'll give it 7 stars, recommending that you turn the right-hand half of your brain off and just enjoy the ride.

Yo, Tyrania - Ric Weiss

2010; 296 pages. Genre : Fiction; Satire. Suitable both for YA and adult readers. Overall Rating : 8½*/10.

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Full Disclosure. I have never met Ric, but I've followed his blog for years, and so am cyber-acquainted with him. His blog is here, and his new webpage is here. No promises were made re this review, and I paid full-price for my copy of Yo, Tyrania when I ordered it through my local Barnes & Noble. It is also available through Amazon. I truly enjoyed this book, but I recognize that knowing the author may subconsciously color my opinion a bit.

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Tyrania is a miniscule kingdom located high in the Alps, in or abutting Switzerland. Its horrible location (it is on the side of a mountain, not nestled in a valley), Neanderthal genes, and persistent inbreeding have left it isolated (except for a rare, straying tour bus) and technologically ignorant.

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12-year-old Queen Doreen is determined to change all that, and so recruits (or shanghais) a passing tourist, Eula Gibson, to teach her and a couple select friends all about the outside world. Mayhem, culture-shock, and intrigue ensue.

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What's To Like...

The author lays out an a Tyranian society vastly different from ours. Examples : no pets, tourists eat free, no weekends, and a genuine appreciation for noisy flatulence. He also gives you some great Tyranian idioms, a couple of which you can hear on the audio clip at his website.

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The characters are engaging. Our hero is a 30-year-old, black-American schoolteacher with a 'tude. The Tyranians are hilariously backward and none of them is "all black" or "all white". The good Queen is a bit of a brat; and the bevy of baddies are nevertheless likable. Then there are things like MacYeno's, St. Nuflurg's Day, and the Tyranian meaning of "Eula".

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The main theme seems to change every so often. It starts out as a The King and I story; then switches to focus more on the cultural impact (as in The Gods Must Be Crazy), and later still changes to political satire (think Animal Farm). At the end, it morphs into an action tale, which YA readers will eat up. Ric handles this all adeptly, and I'll avoid spoilers by simply saying that none of these four themes has a clichéd ending. Which is a pleasant change.

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There are some great references to oldie movies and TV shows - Lost In Space, The Sound of Music, Bewitched, Gentle Ben, F Troop, and one of my childhood favorites - Car 54, Where Are You? Most of these will probably leave any reader under 30 scrambling for Google. Some of the other references are equally obscure. I had to wiki Vladimir Zworykin to see why he was said to be one of the two major influences (the other being Eula) on Tyranian culture.

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Kewl New Words...

Précis : a summary or abstract. Plenitude : an ample quantity; a full supply. Inculcate : to teach and impress certain concepts on someone. Cachet : an indication of approved status; a mark of distinction. Prolix : tediously prolonged or wordy. Portmanteau : a new word made by combining two others (eg. : smog (smoke + fog) or chortle (chuckle + snort).

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Excerpts...

"This is your Congress?" Eula wondered, gaping at the motley bunch. "They look like the most hopeless scum you'd dredge out of a gutter."

"They are," Polonowitz replied. "They are chosen to legislate because they have no other useful skills." (pg. 34)

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She was a victim of a craving larger than herself. There was only one way to confront that craving. Despite all that had transpired, she felt compelled to return to Tyrania, land of the Silent Yodel, of the Burning Zvuts, of the Beaver reborn as a Phoenix - before she went bananas. (pg. 173)

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Fluytl klugs himsblek. Which is translated as :

It never pays to be in arrears

To those who'd impale you on their spears.

The overall style reminded me of another childhood favorite - Rocky & Bullwinkle - in that there was both a superficial storyline (for the YA readers) and a subtler, more complex one (for the adult readers). Both are quite enjoyable, but it has to vex an agent trying to determine a target audience.

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Ric points out that "all of the above" is a suitable answer, but the agent might counter with a memorable line from a long-forgotten movie. "A point in every direction is the same as no point at all."

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In the end, this is a labor-of-love that is well-written and honestly kept my interest throughout. We'll give it 8½ stars, and highly recommend it. So give your support to a first-time author (you can say you were reading him even before he first made the NYT best-sellers list) and pay a visit to your local Barnes & Noble store soon. Order Yo, Tyrania, while testily asking the salesclerk (as I did) why B&N isn't already stocking this hot, new novel.