Fireproof - Gerard Brennan

   2012; 248 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genres: Satire; Urban Fantasy; Romance; Northern Irish Literature.  Overall Rating: 7*/10.

 

    Bureaucracy.  It’s a plague, even in the afterlife.  Mike Rocks has been sent to Hell but is immune to the standard “eternal fire and brimstone” punishment, all because of bureaucracy..

 

    Frankly, he’s an embarrassment to the place.  He has no fear of his demonic roommate and shows only a bit of cautious respect to Lucifer himself.  What’s an Archdevil to do with such a miscreant?

 

    Send him back to where he came from: Belfast, Northern Ireland.  Command him to start “The True Church of Satanism” there, gain converts, and make headlines.

 

    That’s all well and good, but what incentive can Lucifer give to Mike to make him want to accept this mission?

 

    Well, since Mike’s death was a brutal gangland “hit”, he'll get the chance to wreak vengeance on his executioners.

 

What’s To Like...

    Fireproof is a humorous look at the afterlife, where most of the focus is on the Satanic side of things.  The tone is generally lighthearted, but not exclusively: there’s a bit of brutal violence thrown in to keep male readers turning the pages, plus a dab of romance to keep the interest of female readers.

 

    For the most part, the story is set in Belfast, Northern Ireland, which I gather is Gerard Brennan’s stomping grounds.  That means the book is written what I’ll call “Northern Irish English” which is closely akin to “The King’s English” but with a few new “regional” terms mixed in.  Some of those are listed below, there were lots more.  A couple scenes take place in Hell, and the Epilogue has a new setting which, while not specifically identified, can be pretty much sussed out.

 

    The secondary characters are skillfully done.  I especially liked Cadbury, a squatter wino who holes up in Mike’s apartment whilst the latter was in the Underworld, and who becomes Mike’s butler and begins to exhibit several handy paranormal qualities.  Cadbury should not be confused with his brother “Nestle”, whom we meet late in the tale.  There's an imp assigned personally to Mike who's also a hoot.

 

    Two plotlines are spotlighted in the first half of the book: a.) Mike's tasks of evangelizing and revenging, and Cathy's efforts to help keep a Catholic-church-sponsored Youth Outreach Centre financially afloat while also learning the new and potentially lucrative career of a professional assassin.  It is not a spoiler to reveal that they eventually meet up and form a team to facilitate both their goals.

 

    The ending is a two-step affair.  First comes the climactic fight with a Hell-spawned beast, with a neat little plot twist that transforms Mike into the underdog.  After that’s resolved, the focus becomes Mike’s one remaining vengeance target, the man who ordered the hit on him.  From there, things wrap up nicely with the aforementioned Epilogue, which will leave you hoping for a sequel and which, AFAIK hasn't been written.

 

Ratings…
    Amazon:  4.4/5 based on 83 ratings and 70 reviews.

    Goodreads: 3.79/5 based on 159 ratings and 25 reviews

 

Kewlest New Word ...

Craic (n.) : enjoyable social activity; a good time (a Northern Irishism).

Others: Kerb Crawlers (n., pl.); Borstal (n.); Gobshite (n., vulgar); Bogtrotters (n., pl., offensive); Trainers (a type of shoe); Hob (n.); Travellers (proper noun meaning “Irish gypsies”).

 

Excerpts...

    The naked man, known in his former life as Mike, regarded the wormlike monstrosity before him without interest.  The swollen, slimy, needle-toothed demon wrapped itself around his torso and its head hovered in front of his face.  Its segmented, grey body pulsed and heaved against his bare skin as it squeezed at his ribs with boa constrictor strength.  Its breath smelled of rotted fish and coffee-scented piss.

    “Hi, Roomy,” Mike said.

    “Tremble in fear,” the demon said.

    “Um, no, I don’t think I will.”  (The opening scene of the book)

 

    “What will I tell them?”

    “The same as I told you guys.  New religion, lots of benefits, blah, blah, blah.  Oh, and tell them that there will be a black mass in an undisclosed location tomorrow night.”

    “If it’s undisclosed, how will they find it?”

    Mike rubbed his forehead and reminded himself that his right-hand man was a little sleep-deprived at the minute.  He kept his voice friendly.

    “Get a few phone numbers, Tony.  Tell them you’ll call them a couple of hours before the mass and let them know where to find us.  They’ll find the mystery intriguing.”  (loc. 1064)

 

Kindle Details…

    Fireproof is no longer available as an e-book at Amazon, which is the format I utilized.  Only the paperback version is offered, but it goes for $3.98, which IMO is a great price.  Gerard Brennan has several other novels and novellas for you, in the $0.99-$6.84 price range as e-books, and $6.44-$19.99 as paperbacks.  He also has contributed short stories to several crime-fiction anthologies.

 

“I believe you have upset your designated demon,” the Devil said.  “Was that really necessary?”  (loc. 102)

    There are a couple of nits to pick about Fireproof, but no showstoppers.  The storyline features Goths, Punks, Yuppies, Tattooists, and Satanists, so a fair amount of cussing was to be expected.  I counted 43 cases in the first 20% of the book, with the f-bomb being far and away the favorite.  There are also lots of sexual and genitalia references, at least three rolls-in-the-hay, and drug and alcohol usage.

 

    For the most part, I could figure out what the Northern-Irish-Britishisms meant, and I always like it when the phrase “and Bob’s your uncle” gets used.  But even with googling, I never did grasp the connotation of the slang term “bunking”.  Still, it’s always fun to learn new words in a foreign language, even if that foreign tongue is something called English.

 

    Finally, it should be said that if your preferred deity falls anywhere in the range between Satan and Jehovah, and you resent anyone who mocks Him/Her, you should probably avoid Fireproof.

 

    But everyone else will probably enjoy this tale.  There aren’t any slow spots, and it boils over with humor, action, romance, and perhaps a wee bit of preaching about how to deal with punks, goths, and other pariahs of society.

 

    7 Stars.  One reviewer described the ending as “a bit of a fizzle”.  To each his own, but I thought it was clever and appropriate, given that, despite its gruesome moments, the toen of Fireproof was particularly “dark” book.  After all, what do you expect from a book where the protagonist gets to pal around with the ruler of Hades?