Extinct Doesn't Mean Forever - edited by Phoenix Sullivan

    2012; 212 pages.  New Author? : n.a.   Genre : Anthology; Speculative Fiction.  Overall Rating : 7*/10.

    18 short stories about various creatures, most of which have either gone extinct or are about to become so.  There are dinosaurs and cave bears; ghosts and aliens; Neanderthals and angels.  There is romance and humor; tragedy and sci-fi; new beginnings and post-apocalyptic endings.

    In short, there’s something for everyone here.

What’s To Like...
    The stories are grouped in somewhat chronological order.  That gives a bit of structure to the Extinct Doesn’t Mean Forever, although it also means you’ll be reading all the dinosaur stories more or less together.  A lot of the authors seem to be from Australia, which gives parts of the book a refreshing Down Under “flavor”.

    The Amazon blurb for this book gives a one-line teaser for each story; I won’t repeat those here.  As with any anthology, I found some of the stories to be riveting; others were yawners.  You're entitled to form your own opinion about which ones are the yawners, so I'll content myself with listing a couple that I thought were the cream of the crop.

(01) Last Seen (Amanda le Bas de Plumetot)
    A powerful story about the recently-extinct thylacines to lead things off.  My favorite of the bunch.
(02) Past Survivors  (Sarah Adams)
    Both saber-tooth tigers and relationships are hiding in the hills around Los Angeles.
(15) Blood Fruit  (Shona Snowden)
    Mankind’s hope hangs by a thread.  That's not good news when Vin and Levo are holding the thread.
(16) A Thorny Dilemma (Rory Steves)
    Bio-engineering gone wrong.  So why am I chuckling?
(17) Invoice H10901: 3 Wooly Mammoths (Robert J. Sullivan)
    Parallel worlds meet the Law of Supply and Demand.

Excerpts...
    The last thylacine died in the Hobart Zoo.  Locked in a cage, she stared out through the lattice of wire to the distant warmth of the keeper’s house.  Alone all the long nights, she paced, fretful, the unfamiliar sound of her nails clicking on cement.  She was surrounded by the stink of bears, the roar of lions, the shit-hurling culture of monkeys, the press and flow of humans.  The last thylacine was imprisoned between concrete floor and iron bars without even a kennel’s shelter.  (loc. 100)

    “Do you remember the Angel Genome Project?”
    God, not again.  She opened a financial report on her computer and stared at the numbers without really seeing them.  “Yes.  What about it?  They were going to sequence the genome of whatever it was they found in Iran.  Angels, they said.  We’ve got the mammoth parks and the Neanderthal town.  Let’s clone angels, have ourselves a park with cherubs, a wish-fulfillment fantasy with merry-go-rounds and everything.”
    “Such a cynic, girl.  You used to believe in science.”  (loc. 1585)

Kindle Details...
    Extinct Doesn’t Mean Forever sells for $0.99 at Amazon.  ANAICT, this was Phoenix Sullivan’s first stab at editing/compiling an anthology.  She also has an eclectic triad of her own books on Amazon.

“What does mankind do with endless power and no boundaries?” (loc. 2688)
    As seen in the “best of” choices given above, my favorite parts of EDMF’s were at the beginning and near the end.  That speaks well of Phoenix Sullivan’s effort as the editor.  Having two stories about the thylacine tiger seemed a bit redundant, but maybe I’d feel different if I was an Aussie.

    I have to believe that trying to write a gripping tale of speculative fiction in a scant 10-20 pages is quite the challenge.  World-building and character-development have to be done quickly and efficiently.  Some of the writers were more successful at this than others, but kudos to all of them for giving it a try.  7 Stars.

Carpe Jugulum - Terry Pratchett

   1998; 378 pages.  New Author? : No.  Book #23 in the Discworld series.  Genre : Comedic Fantasy.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

    Plans are being made for the naming ceremony of the newest addition to the Lancre royal family, and King Verence and Queen Magrat are sending invitations to all sorts of people in the surrounding lands.

    The witches are invited because, well, Magrat used to be one of them.  The ruling Vampire family from neighboring Uberwald are also invited.  Is it really a good idea to invite vampires into one’s realm?  They are sort of, well you know, sucky creatures.  Oh well, we’ll just have to trust they’ll behave.

    Now whatever happened to Granny Weatherwax’s invitation?

What’s To Like...
    The Discworld witches take center stage here, and that’s always a treat.   There’s also an Igor, DEATH, and the initial appearance of the Nac Mac Feegle in a Discworld novel.  But that’s about it for familiar faces, since the story is set in Lancre and Uberwald, two places far removed from Ankh Morpork.  But we get to meet lots of new folks, including the Magpyr family, rulers of Uberwald, who wish to expand their horizons.

     Carpe Jugulum appears to be Terry Pratchett’s endeavor to combine Undead Horror with Discworld Spoofery, which frankly is no small challenge.  I can’t think of another Discworld novel where I’ve actually worried for the safety of some of its heroes.  As usual, there are other themes.

    Urban Legends.  Pratchett has loads of fun with anti-vampire weapons – garlic, holy water, wooden stakes, and whatnot.  Sometimes they work; sometimes they don’t.

    Inner Voices.  The full-figured witch, Agnes Nitt, and her “thin woman trying to get out” have a major role her.  Indeed, all the witch characters are more fully developed than usual.

    Organized Religion vs. Paganism.  Or, Mightily Oats vs. Granny Weatherwax.  Actually, Terry Pratchett puts them on equal footing, and deftly weaves the circumstances to where they have to work together to defeat the vampires.  Very kewl.

Kewlest New Word...
Scry  (verb) : To foretell the future using a crystal ball or other reflective object or surface.

Excerpts...
    A movement made her turn.   A small blue man wearing a blue cap was staring at her from the shelves over the washcopper.  He stuck out his tongue, made a very small obscene gesture, and disappeared behind a bag of washing crystals.
    “Nanny?”
    “Yes, luv?”
    “Are there such things as blue mice?”
    “Not while you’re sober, dear.”  (pg. 80)

    Granny Weatherwax had a primal snore.  It had never been tamed.  No one had ever had to sleep next to it, to curb its wilder excesses by means of a kick, a prod in the small of the back or a pillow used as a bludgeon.  It had had years in a lonely bedroom to perfect he knark, the graaah, and the gnoc, gnoc, gnoc unimpeded by the nudges, jabs, and occasional attempts at murder that usually moderate the snore impulse over time.  (pg. 366)

“Once people find out you’re a vampire they act as if you’re some kind of monster.”  (pg. 274)
    All the witches are present, but center stage belongs to Granny Weatherwax.  She’s up against foes that are stronger, faster, and probably more intelligent than her.  Their leader, The Count, is able to anticipate her every move, and he will not be satisfied until Granny has been utterly and permanently defeated.  That makes for an exciting ending, albeit one that is just a tad bit contrived.  But this is Discworld, and ‘contrived’ is often the norm here.

    Carpe Jugulum was an entertaining read.  The mixing of horror into the storyline means that this isn’t the zaniest Discworld novel you’ll ever read.  Rincewind would never have fit into the story.  Nevertheless, there is sufficient humor, and the themes are thought-provoking.  8 Stars.

The Shells of Chanticleer - Maura Patrick

    2013; 226 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genre : Dark Fantasy.  Overall Rating : 8*/10.

    16-year-old Macy Winters is at death’s door, due to an infection that has developed into sepsis.  The final thing she hears while lying in the hospital bed is the doctor debating whether to put her in an induced coma as a last-ditch effort.

    The next moment, she wakes up in a comfortable bed, with two other girls greeting her by name and welcoming her to the village of Chanticleer.  Superficially, it seems like a teenage paradise.  But there are lessons to be learned, and the place has its dark secrets.  Like sometimes a kid will simply disappear overnight.  They say he “tipped back”, but who knows for sure?  And no one wants to talk about the shells.

What’s To Like...
    The target audience for The Shells of Chanticleer are young-teenage girls, probably up to Macy’s age (16).  As such, there is no sex, cussing, nudity, or violence.  There is some Romance, naturally, but it’s limited to kissing and cuddling.

    The storyline is original.  The characters are all well-developed, although a couple of them (Rafe, the Prime Minister, etc.) seem to have a brief time in the spotlight, then fade into the background.  Bing is uber-kewl, though.  You’re going to enjoy meeting him.

    Macy is an inquisitive sort, and it’s fun to “walk alongside her” as she tries to unravel the various secrets of Chanticleer.  There are lots of twists along the way to keep you guessing as to what’s going on.  Macy’s ultimate issue (“Should I stay or should I go?”) is masterfully resolved, and not in the way I anticipated.

Excerpts...
    “Wow,”” I said.  “So you’re saying that I’m a wimp?”
    “Well, I wouldn’t use that word.  We are not pejorative here, as a rule.  But you are a little unbalanced.  What I mean is you need a better blend of imagination and reality.  We don’t want to see your real potential buried under a lot of imaginary fears and self-imposed roadblocks and anxieties.”  (loc. 681)

    “I have to keep playing mud soccer until I enjoy it,” she said.  “And I hate it.  Hate.  It.  Did you have fun?”
    “I liked it,” I said.  “Mud comes right off.  It’s no big deal.”
    “Yes it is,” Zooey insisted.  “It’s full of microbes and germs and deceased insect particles and larvae and cricket casings.  It’s horrid.  By the way, you need to put those clothes in a plastic bag out in the hall so someone will take them away.”  (loc. 1443)

Kindle Details...
    The Shells of Chanticleer sells for $0.99 at Amazon.  At the time of this review, it is Maura Patrick’s only book at Amazon.

“It’s Chanticleer, a benevolent world, though it might not always seem so.” (loc. 971)
    There are a few inconsistencies towards the end of The Shells of Chanticleer.  Macy’s final challenge is quite the paranormal romp, which contrasts to all her humanly-contrived challenges up to that point.  Also, the history of Chanticleer is partially revealed, but gaps remain and there are some pesky loopholes in the logic.

    We’ll skip the details due to spoiler concerns, but give props to Maura Patrick for not being afraid to address the whys and wherefores of the place.  And I frankly doubt that YA girls who read the book are going to get hung up on the world-building mechanics.

    I found the pacing and storytelling of TSoC to be excellent.  Despite not being the target age or gender for the book, it was a page-turner for me.  Perhaps more of the Chanticleer’s history/mystery will be dealt with in a sequel.  8 Stars.  Add a half-star if you’re a girl, and another half-star if you’re aged 12-15.

The Fall of House Nemeni - M.D. Kenning

 

   2012; 222 pages.  Full Title : The Fall of House Nemeni (Allmother’s Fire).  New Author? : Yes.  Genre : Science Fiction (sez I); ClockPunk (sez the author).  Overall Rating : 4*/10.

    Fallen, fallen, fallen is the great house Nemeni.  Domin, the head of this powerful family, and his wife, Vinessi, are gone.  Domin’s brother, Genissi, has fled for his life, taking Domin’s three children to safety with him.

    But that was ten years ago.  The children are now grown.  Their assumed identities have held.  And revenge still smolders in their hearts.

What’s To Like...
    The world-building is innovative – a bunch of islands floating in the air (see book cover) between two suns – One Above, One Below.   The islands are inhabited; and you can travel by airships from one to another without any breathing difficulties.  This solar system setup boggles my scientific mind, but let’s not get too hung up on the astrophysics of it.  After all, this is fantasy.

    All of the characters are well-developed.  The book starts out with lots of action – Domin fleeing for his life.  There is an interesting interplay of Magic (“Clockwork Grand Laws”) versus Religion ("Cogs of the Universe”).  Spells versus prayers.  M.D. Kenning presents them on equal terms, which I like.  The ending doesn’t tie up all the threads, but it does logically set up the next book in the series.

    Alas, there are some serious issues with TFoHN, starting with the typos.  Theirs/There’s; Lead/Led (the two tenses are not spelled the same); Than/Then; plus dozens more.  I normally don’t comment on typos because self-published authors can rarely afford professional proofreaders.  But their frequency here really detracts from the story.

    Then there are the run-on sentences.  These are by nature clunky, but the author seems averse to using commas.  This makes the run-ons almost unfathomable unless you read them multiple times.  One example : Even the food that was now sitting warmly in Genissi’s belly as he reclined on a velvet laden couch and watched the kids talk excitedly together had been delivered to their door that lead inside the tavern (not the one that lead to the door in the alley) by one of the inn’s maids and she did not see who received the meal later.  Wow.  There are lots more like that.

    Finally, there is too much Telling, and not enough Showing.  There are pages upon pages devoted to what’s running through the various characters’ minds.  It would have been much stronger to convey these thoughts via actions in the storyline.

Excerpts...
    Three words.
    Caution.
    Focus.
    Discipline.
    These were the bywords of the Nemeni family, and three words could not sum up Genissi any less in most people’s eyes.
    Gadfly.
    Layabout.
    Drunk.
    Those were much more accurate descriptors of the laughing stock of the Nemeni family.  (loc. 463)

    Sivana of course had no way to know for sure exactly how much time had passed.  The rotten smell of her own sick being on her clothes however invited the possibility she was not in a spiritual afterlife.  Not once in the teachings or songs did she remember anything about vomit existing in the Sun Below or in the arms of the Allmother.  (loc. 3722)

Kindle Details...
    The Fall Of House Nemeni sells for $2.99 at Amazon.  This is reportedly Book 1 of a trilogy.  M.D. Kenning has one other book available for the Kindle – Mandatory Paradise – also for $2.99.  I think the latter is unrelated to the Nemeni storyline.

“Are you touched by the Sun Below?” (loc. 1784)
    For me, The Fall of House Nemeni comes off as a novel-worthy concept, but still in rough-draft form.  That’s unfortunate because, although the basic plotline grabbed my interest, the project is incomplete.

    The writing needs to be polished up (add commas, break up the long sentences).  A good editor/proofreader needs to be utilized (a writer doing this himself just doesn’t work).  Finally, the first-draft needs some beta-readers.  Mom and Aunt Martha won’t cut it – it needs people who will tell you what is confusing, clunky, and/or just plain boring.  And every five minutes, the phrase “Show!  Don’t Tell!” should be mentally chanted.

    Admittedly, polishing, proofing, and rewriting are not as fun as creating the first draft, but they’re just as vital.  This will be a great book - and a great series - once those steps are taken.  4 Stars.  For now.

Evolution - Stephen Baxter

 

    2003; 646 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genre : Historical Fiction.  Overall Rating : 9½*/10.

    Human evolution?  Yeah, I know all about it.  Before we were “us”, we were cavemen.  Before that, we were apes or gorillas or something.  And before that we were monkeys.

    No wait, that’s not it.  Somewhere along the way we split off from the apes.  Before they became gorillas.  And monkeys came after that.  So did the Neanderthals.

    No, that’s not it either.  Tell you what.  Let’s read Evolution, and then we’ll have a much better grasp of how we got from the way-back-when to the here-and-now.

What’s To Like...
    Stephen Baxter opts to start with the first primates, lemur-like creatures that lived 65 million years ago.  That’s a good choice, as this allows him to bring in dinosaurs and the comet that wiped them out.  The initial ancestor, dubbed Purga, is from a species called purgatorius, which you can read about in Wikipedia (here).

     The first third of Evolution deals with the primates; the next half deals with the hominids; and in the final couple of chapters Baxter hypothesizes on where we’re going evolution-wise.  You meet a new character with each jump through time, so in effect this is a series of short stories.  The pressure is on the author to make each one unique and entertaining, while introducing a short-term character that you’ll quickly bond with.  He succeeds marvelously.

    For me, the high point is the critter-killing comet, and it is spectacular how Baxter gives you a feel for being on Earth when the upheaval hits.  The blast may have wiped out 90% of all life, but 10% did survive, and it is fun to read just how those lucky few may have managed to beat the odds.

    Each subsequent chapter introduces a new step in the evolutionary trail, along with an important new event or discovery.  Examples : bipedalism; tool-making; religion, etc.  Baxter also spends time explaining (speculating, actually) how the brain evolved and functioned differently at each step along the way.  I was completely captivated. 

    For the most part, Evolution is not science fiction.  There are no invaders from outer space or wookies piloting starships.  Also, there’s a lot of mating going on.  This fits nicely with the subject matter, but if references to genitalia bother you, you might want to give this a pass. 

Kewlest New Word...
Etiolated (adj.) : Feeble; having lost vigor or substance.

Excerpts...
     “You know, even after a couple of centuries’ work, we have dug up no more than two thousand individuals from our prehistory: two thousand people, that’s all, from all the billions who went before us into the dark.  And from that handful of bones we have had to try to infer the whole tangled history of mankind and all the precursor species, all the way back to what happened to our line after the dinosaur-killer comet.”  And yet, she thought wistfully, lacking a time machine, the patient labor of archaeology was all there was, the only window into the past.  (pg. 5)

    She took the thrower from him, set the spear in its notch, and made as if to throw.  “Hand, throw, no,” she said.  Now she mimed the stick pushing the spear.  “Stick, throw.  Yes, yes.  Stick.  Throw.  Spear.  Stick throw spear.  Stick throw spear...”
    Stick throw spear.  It wasn’t much of a sentence.  But it had a rudimentary structure – subject, verb, object – and the honor of being one of the first sentences spoken in any human language, anywhere in the world.  (pg. 336)

“In the clearing, dinosaurs dreamed.”  (pg. 11)
    There are two sobering truths I took away from reading Evolution.  First, we humans may be the epitome of evolution, but the process will continue.  Second, it is inevitable that there will come a day when we are knocked off (or knock ourselves off) the top of the predatory food-chain.  The last part of Evolution speculates as to how this might play out.  It is rather grim and humbling, but then again, we go to KFC and munch on  the glory that was once the dinosaurs.

    The quibbles are miniscule.  Stephen Baxter gets preachy for a few paragraphs towards the end, and I still haven’t grasped the purpose/meaning of the epilogue.   But these are a half dozen pages of so-so in 640 pages of fantastic.  The excellence overwhelms.

    9½ Stars.  Evolution is akin to Jean Auel’s The Clan Of The Cave Bear, but much more epic in scope.  If you enjoyed TCotCB (don’t get me started on the rest of that series), this novel is going to suck you in.  Ditto if you’re the type of person that goes to the Smithsonian and spends 95% of your time in the hall where the dinosaur skeletons are.

Disappear - Iain Edward Henn

    2012; 322 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genre : Murder-Mystery; Whodunit/Howdunit.  Overall Rating : 9*/10.

    Eighteen years ago, Jennifer Parke’s husband Brian stepped out into a rainy night for a quick walk down to the store for some cigarettes, and vanished.  Neither the police nor private investigators could find even a hint of a lead.  Eight years ago, he was declared legally dead, and Jennifer moved on with her life.

    So it is quite the surprise when Brian’s body shows up suddenly, the victim of a hit-and-run.  Strangely, it’s found in the middle of the very street he disappeared on.  He’s in the same clothes, with the same wallet, and he’s still wet from that evening’s downpour.  One other strange thing.  He doesn’t appear to have aged a day in those 18 years.

What’s To Like...
    The writing is polished and is pure storytelling.  Stephen King would be proud.  All of the characters  – even the minor ones – are interesting to meet.  This is not a cozy.  There is some graphic violence and some sex.  I found the style to work nicely.

    The story is set in Australia, where Iain Edward Henn hails from.  This means there are both Britishisms and Aussieisms.  Kewlness. 

    There are two other plotlines  – a serial killer with some problems of his own, and the world of Jennifer’s flourishing business.  I was worried that bringing them together at the end would be clunky (or left undone), but everything resolves logically, surprisingly, and seamlessly.  This is a standalone novel.

    One quibble.  At one point, “clouds of Carbon Monoxide“ are seen.  Sorry, but Carbon Monoxide (CO) is colorless, odorless, and tasteless.  Clouds of CO certainly exist, but you just-as-certainly won’t see them. 

Kewlest New Word...
Pommy (adj.)  :  British.  (Aussieism; usually disparaging, but sometimes affectionate)

Excerpts...
    “A pleasure to meet you,” said Kaplan.  “We’ve just been hearing all about you.”
    “Don’t believe a word.”  She took her seat and nodded to Roger.
    “We’ve heard only good things,” Kaplan told her.
    “Like I said, don’t believe a word.”  (loc. 838)

    “I believe there have been cases like this before, Neil, cases that appear to deal with a range of ... inexplicable phenomena.  They’re classified top secret, investigated by special units.  Eventually the files are closed.  Unresolved.”
    “Phenomena?”
    “I don’t like to say it, but the only obvious fact or clue we have is one that makes no sense.  Can’t officially be considered by the department.  Parkes and Brayson simply appear to have slipped through time in the blink of an eye, like characters from a H.G. Wells novel.”  (loc. 2438)

Kindle Details...
    Disappear sells for $0.99 at Amazon, which is a really good deal.  Iain Edward Henn has one other novel, The Delta Chain, available for the Kindle.  It sells for $2.99, and appears to be of the same genre.

“For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and melt into the sun.” (loc. 1907)
    Disappear is both a Whodunit and a Howdunit.  Is the mystery of Brian Parke’s non-aging natural or supernatural?  Was (not "Is", since he’s dead) he a time-traveler, or did he find the Fountain of Youth?  I enjoy this uncertainty of the genre.  The only other author(s) I can think of who write this way is the team of Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child.

    I call Disappear a “goldilocks mystery”.  It’s not too simple and not too complex.  The “who” of the whodunit is neither obvious nor arbitrary.  Everything is “just right” about this book.

    9 Stars.  It is always a pleasure when you find a gem for your Kindle, by an author you’re not acquainted with, and for under $1.00.

With A Tangled Skein - Piers Anthony

    1985; 380 pages.  New Author? : No.  Book 3 (out of 8) in the Incarnations of Immortality series.  Genre : Fantasy; Series.  Overall Rating : 4½*/10.

    Niobe is going to shed a lot of tears.  Her young husband, Cedric, has just been shot, and now she’s learned that she was the intended target.  Even worse, the whole thing was plotted by Satan himself.

    Niobe will move Heaven and Earth to get Cedric back.  But if that won’t work, she will somehow find a way to take her revenge on Satan.  You could say there is going to be Hell to pay.  It’s Fate.

What’s To Like...
    As with the previous books in this series, a new “Incarnation” is showcased in With A Tangled Skein.  This time it’s Fate; in the first two books we met Death and Time.  Once again, Piers Anthony cleverly tweaks the mythology – here he puts all three Fates (Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos) in one body; they are separate entities in Greek legend.  If you liked the plotline in the first two books, you’ll be happy here too – it’s the same thing.  A mortal is thrust into the role of an Incarnation, runs afoul of Satan, and bests him in a contest.

    There are also some serious weaknesses; most notably the writing and the storytelling.  It feels like the target audience is Young Teens, and Piers Anthony gets incredibly repetitive as if he’s worried that the reader isn’t grasping some basic concepts – Niobe loves Cedric, Satan can’t hurt an Incarnation, etc.

   There are meaningless tangents, among them a quest to procure a pair of magical items.  Major characters die out on a whim.  And we get some of the author’s personal – but irrelevant – views on diverse things such as Ted Kennedy, the UN, and the IRS.  There are some neat twists – the deer get to shoot back at the hunters – but even these have no bearing on the main Niobe-vs.-Satan plotline.

Kewlest New Word...
Welkin (noun) : The sky; the vault of heaven; the firmament.

Excerpts...
    (A)n old black woman sat in her rocking chair on a rickety porch, watching children play handball in the street.  She looked up as Atropos appeared before her.  “’Bout time you got here,” she remarked.
    Even Atropos was taken aback by this.  “You know me?”
    I know you.  I was expecting Death, though, not Fate.”
   “I have come to ask you to take my place.  If you do, you will meet Death only as a business associate.”
    “I thought he already was.  I’ve buried more kin than I can count on my hands.”  (pg. 223)

    Clotho’s temper flared again.  She spoke a few sharp words in Japanese.
    Mars smiled.  “And you are the mother of a sickly dog,” he responded in the same language.  Niobe and Atropos picked up the meaning from Clotho’s mind.
    Clotho was aghast.  “You understood!”
    “Sweet stuff, War knows every language of mankind!  If you wish to quarrel, you have come to the right party.”  (pg. 261)

“When an unscheduled death occurs, the threads of Fate tangle.”  (pg. 60)
    The big problem with With A Tangled Skein is the sexism.  Here’s a couple examples :
    “She was no muscular man...” (329)
    “...not for a weak, middle-aged woman...”  (343)
    “A man may have leaped across; she had no such hope...”  (349)
    Wow.  Is the author trying to give young female readers a low self-image or what?!

    But even that pales in comparison to rape.  Apparently, guys can demand rape as compensation for losing face, and girls who find themselves in that situation are advised to just lay back and enjoy it.  Words fail me.

    This is probably as far as I go with this series.  My reviews of the first two books are here and here.  4½ Stars.  Add one star you haven’t read any other Incarnations of Immortality books; the plotline will be fresher.  And if you have a young daughter, hide this book someplace where she’ll never find it.

The Truth About Sharks and Pigeons - Matt Phillips

    2012; 320 pages.  New Author? : Yes.  Genre : Humor; Adventure; Spoof.  Overall Rating : 6½*/10.

    Bill Posters is the Chosen One; the Britak Tain.  Okay, actually he’s choice # 768,271.  It’s better not to talk about the ones above him on the list.  Suffice it to say, they are no longer around.

    It’s up to Bill to save the world, and the pigeons, from the imminent Shark invasion, and he’s got only 24 hours to do so.  But he's not alone, Fern will be with him.  She’s a Selected, a highly-trained bodyguard.   Unfortunately, when you’re the 768,271^st choice for Chosen One, you get an equally low-ranked Selected.

What’s To Like...
    There are talking pigeons and Segway-riding sharks; heroic corgis and sheep doctors.  There’s a Rambo-type mercenary named Gregor Manriguez on Bill’s side, who’s almost as dangerous to everyone else as he is to himself.  Bill and Fern make for interesting characters, even if Bill is described as the most unremarkable person in the world.

    Humor is always a dicey thing.  What one person sees as hilarious; the next person finds stupid.  My wife and I have these differing opinions about Monty Python’s Holy Grail movie.  Matt Phillips writes this in a Tom Holt literary style (hey, the author name-dropped TH first), and I personally found The Truth About Sharks & Pigeons to be sufficiently witty, and the humor to be blessedly non-repetitive.  You won't mistake this for Tom Holt zaniness though.

    The ending ties up the basic save-the-world plotline, but leaves lots of loose ends for a sequel, which is reportedly in the works.  There are a bunch of “extras” tacked on as appendices – Alternate Endings, Deleted Scenes, Bloopers, a pitch for the Soundtrack, Contests, and the first couple chapters of the sequel.  The Alt-Endings were a hoot, and the Deleted Scenes appear to be parts that the beta-readers felt were better off left out.  I enjoyed both of those sections, but the rest of the extras didn’t do much for me.

Kewlest New Word...
Grotty (adj.)  :  Unpleasant and of poor quality.  (Britishism)

Excerpts...
    “The Mark?”  It’s an ancient pigeon symbol: two circles side by side representing this world and the next, with the pigeon rune for knowledge – an elongated ellipse with the inverted ‘T’ of truth at the top – rising up from in between the circles.”
    Bill tried to picture this in his mind, succeeded, and then started rubbing furiously at his forehead.  “Are you telling me you have stamped my forehead with an invisible drawing of a –“
    Fern grabbed his hand from his forehead and pulled him down the street.  “No time for that Bill, we’ve not got a moment to lose.”  (loc. 887)

    “As most people instinctively realise, the time-space continuum rubs a little thin in launderettes.  It makes the teleportation process easier,” he explained.
    “I’m sorry, rubs thin?” queried Bill, halting the sheep before he made his way through the curtain.
    “Yes, you know.  Time passes differently in a launderette.  The machine takes an age while you are in there, but leave for thirty seconds and when you come back it has finished and some git has taken all of your clothes and dumped them in a heap on the grubby lid.  Tricksy places, launderettes.”  (loc. 3459)

Kindle Details...
    The Truth About Sharks & Pigeons sells for $5.99 at Amazon.  Matt Phillips also has a couple of short stories posted for $0.99  , but I don’t think they have any tie-in to this storyline.

“Ferr Lap Ing Peck Ingspr Ed Indis Ease.”  That’s ancient pigeon,” explained Clyde.  “Watch, defend, protect.” (loc. 448)
    The mechanics of TTAS&P are good – the pacing is crisp, and the show-don’t-tell maxim is deftly adhered-to.  Unfortunately, the storytelling leaves a lot to be desired.  A lot of the plot twists seem arbitrary and Deus Ex Machinas pop up with disappointing frequency.  Some examples…

     Our hero is captured by the baddies at one point, but they don’t see any reason to search him.  Bad move, bad guys.  The evil stronghold is incredibly easy to penetrate, and as our heroes flee it, Bill somehow manages to find and stow some night-vision binoculars.  How necessary later on.  How convenient.  Later, when a Star-Trek-type transporter is needed, well, guess what pops up?

    If you don’t mind these incredible suspensions-of-belief, The Truth About Sharks & Pigeons can be an entertaining read.  The raw talent is certainly there.  And since this is a debut novel, one can always hope that things will be more polished and refined in the sequel.  With a few less YFKM moments in the storyline.  6½ Stars.